Explaining social problems to an ADHD kid | ADHD Information

Dd is just turned 8, diagnosed as adhd (combined) and gifted just a
couple of months ago.

Up until recently I thought any problems she was having socially were
pretty much typical of what most kids this age go through, with the
added complication that adhd brings along. She's always been hyper-
sometimes kids think this makes for more fun, but often it's annoying
and a turn off. She can miss social cues, etc. I have always known, even
before diagnosis, that she does better 1-on-1 than in groups. Groups of
3 in particular are problematic- she gets left out.

Anyhow, even with all that, I thought socially she was doing *okay*.
Today though we had a big heart-to-heart, where she told me how at
school she doesn't have any friends, that the kids with whom she *does*
play well with one on one don't include her in their little groups. She
likes these kids, wants to play with them. She actually said, "I am lonely."
This broke my heart. She even suggested switching to a differrent school
to have a fresh start- which is sad because academically at least this
school is very suited to her- it's an alternative school full of all sorts of
quirky kids and they are very used to and open to working with
psychologists, etc.

The thing she kept saying in this conversation was "I'm just different."
And yes, she is. She is very attuned to what's going on in so many ways.
But, she wonders if she is different because she's shorter than the other
girls in her class, or because she was born in a different city.

Sigh. I am totally at a loss as to how to explain to her the whole business
with friends and social cues without having her ending up feeling bad
about herself. I think she already feels bad enough from when she gets
into trouble due to impulsivity (more at home than at school).

We are going to a pediatrician on Wednesday who specializes in ADHD
and I have a strong feeling that we are going to go the route of meds. I
am really hoping that they will help her to slow down, focus, and dare I
say it, mellow out her intensity. (And this is where I start to feel the
guilt- am I asking the powers that be to *change* my child?)

All that to say- HELP. How do I talk to her about this? She's so kind,
caring, sensitive, that I worry she will look in the mirror and hate herself
for who she is, when I see this incredibly loving, kind, creative, and smart
as all heck kid instead.I don't really have direct experience with this situation, so maybe I shouldn't give advice, but here goes anyway.
Your daughter has told you that she has social problems, so I am guessing that she would probably be relieved to learn that some people have more trouble learning how to act around others and make and keep friends, just like some people have more trouble than others learning to read or spell or do math, and that you will try to help her learn some skills that can help her get along better with others and not be lonely. Like I said, I don't have direct experience with this, but I've seen lots of others here post about social skills classes, so if I were you I would look into that and also see if it's something the school counselor could help her with (?) I would also make sure that you reinforce all her wonderful strengths, just like you did in your post. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. She has some wonderful strengths, and she can work on her social skills with the help of you and others. That sounds like a very hopeful situation to me!
I also recommend the book A Mind at a Time by Dr. Mel Levine. It isn't light reading, but it discusses the many, many different kinds of strengths and weaknesses people have, including social.
Good luck!
I can sooo relate...in regards to my non-ADHD kid! My non-adhd kid is 9
and has had problems with certain girls at her school. (Catholic school,
no less!) They tease her, leave her out of their little games, boss her, and
sometimes just plain pick on her. She has a couple of good little friends,
but she is no social butterfly. (We adopted both of our girls from China,
so I wonder if sometimes that's not the issue.) Anne is a sweetie. I have
talked to her teacher and counselor, who do their best to keep the
problem kids away from her and to teach them all social skills. It is hard.
What I am trying to say is I think it's the age, too. Some girls at this
young age start getting very "cliquey" and, let's face it, a lot of kids are
spoiled rotten and just need to grow up.

Now, that being said, my adhd kid is oblivious to social cues, friends, etc.
She is 6. My girls play with each other more than anyone else. Jillian got
invited to her first real b-day party this past weekend. She went up the
b-day girl and asked, 'Are you my friend now?' The little girl was baffled.
She said. 'Yes.' I could tell she thought it was a strange question!

My adhd dd is on meds. They are working wonderfully for her. (Metadate
CD, 30 mgs.) They don't "change" your child if they are working well.
Jillian is now able to focus and control her impulses better. I wouldn't
even think of not using them. They have been a godsend.     

It is heartbreaking when your child is having friendship problems, I know.
But, I think it will get better as the kids mature.    

I have told my son that he has to advocate for himself with his classmates.  When they accuse him of being "crazy," he has been told that he shouldn't get angry by those types of comments because the other kids just don't know what is going on.  He should explain to them he has ADHD, or get a teacher to intervene.

It's hard for him to get past his reputation.  When he's been blacklisted, that's it.  So I encourage him to basically give up on the mean kids, and look around for other children to be friendly with.  Usually that works, and then the others, once they see he's been accepted by another, will accept him at that point.

My advice...from growing up undiagnosed, untreated, and socially misinterpretted!
Don't assume that they will"grow out of it". At age 11 I was suicidal, had no friends, got kicked out of catholic school for fighting, and caused (or at the very least) fueled my parents divorce. I always thought I was to blame. Guilt and ADD go hand n hand....- was pregnant/unwed at 18...dating an abusive man...it wasn't until seeking help for my son, that I learned what was "wrong" with me.
In some ways it is harder to be a child today. The consistent lack of parenting, which is founded on quality time, structure, stability and love fuels chaos for every child, but include aDD and you have a full blown nightmare....for everyone!Keep searching for what works....don't procrastinate or make excuses...it is very easy to overlook abnormal in our own "perfect" children. My mother wishes she would have known then what she knows now. One other note....on my less than useless rant...be wary of how you explain the social difficulties...you don't want to set her up for self pity,because as a offial ADDer blaming others comes very easy!Anyone?

Still grappling...how to explain that yes, on one hand kids can be mean and
insensitive in some situations (groups), but one on one can be different. But
that at the same time (and this is where I feel the need to tread very, very
carefully) the way she acts sets herself up for rejection.

Ugh. So stuck here.

My DS has some social issues.  THey have become more noticable with puberty and a recent move.  He has ADHD and is gifted.  I recently started reading a lot about giftedness and the characteristics of ADHD and giftedness really can overlap!  One thing that breaks my heart is that gifted children often have social issues also - I feel like my son has been given a "double whammy".  It is like he doesn't fit anywhere.  I encourage you to not only learn about ADHD bur learn about giftedness.  I guess I haven't given you any "answers" - I'm still looking for them myself.  I guess I am hoping to find some answers in the gifted world. 

My DS has been on meds since he was dx'd and they have worked great for him.  As he hit puberty and middle school though, they don't seem to help as much which is why I think we are having more social issues.  Don't feel bad about getting help with meds.  If they help you DD have more friends and feel good about herself they are worth it.

Good luck!  

Tosca,
I've found that, with both my kids (one with ADHD, one without) groups of 3 kids usually work out badly.
Also, I didn't think about it until you mentioned it in your last post, but my daughter also has a "best friend" across the street who is two years older. She has tended to be a little possessive toward my daughter and in the past has "magically" appeared when my daughter had another friend over. I started saying, "Sorry, but J is spending time with a friend from school this afternoon. I'll have her call you later." (This "best friend" never invites my daughter if she has another friend over, and I do think this situation was at least partially responsible for ending a couple of my daughter's other friendships in the past.) I have talked to the other mom and we have both talked to the girls about it and the situation has improved over time. My daughter recently had a birthday party and I made sure to mention to the other mom and talk to my daughter in advance about not excluding others during the party. They did OK. Not perfect. I REALLY like the friends my daughter made at school this year, and she loves them too, so I did not want to see she and her "best friend" having there own little party and excluding others.
I think it sounds like you're definitely on the right track, and, like Diane said, your daughter will be fine!
Wyatt's Mom, Maybe you could try to plan for your son to have a friend over when his younger brother is at another friend's house? And maybe have him think in advance about some activities he and his friend might enjoy together (?)
Thank you all so much- this place is a godsend!

Dd and I have been chatting on and off about this stuff.  I ended up explaining to her that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and that group social situations are maybe a little tougher for her, as they are for lots of girls her age, and that we're here to help her get through it.  I think for awhile I will plan lots of one on one playdates for her, and see how it goes- she seems to do mostly pretty good in these situations. 

Where she often runs into trouble is with the girl next door- who is 10.5.  Dd is 8, so there is a bit of an age difference there.  Mostly they get along well, but (surprise surprise) the neighbor girl can sometimes being bossy (she sees herself as a bit of a mentor to dd, which is sweet yet can be overbearing at the same time), and dd can have a problem with this sometimes.  Also, the neighbor girl has a tendency to come over when dd has another friend over, and then that weird triangle thing starts to happen.  The classmate will become enamored/charmed by the older neighbor girl, and then dd ends up getting left out, so she starts to sulk, cry, get sucky.  When we talked about this dynamic, dd suggested that maybe the neighbor girl shouldn't come over when she has another playdate, which I thought was an excellent suggestion.  I'm going to talk to neighbor kids' mum (who is pretty cool about it) who I'm sure will get this and be on board.

Sigh.  This stuff is SO hard.  Thank you all...
I have no advice but do know how you are feeling.  When my son invites friends they invariably end up with his younger brother and Wyatt goes off on his own.  He's alone on the playground alot.  The teachers on duty have tried to engage him or get him involved with other kids but he'll tell me the other kids don't really want him anyway.  Breaks my heart. 

tosca, I think that 8-10 age is REALLY hard. You are on the right path with encouraging a LOT of one on one playdates. This helps develop some of the social cues our kids tend to be lacking. As she develops better one on one friendships you cna start to enocurage "group" get togethers. 3 is always HARD, try to make it 4 or more is it's going to be more than 2.

Meds helped my daughter a lot. As kids (especially girls) get older their relationships are change and conversation is a huge piece. My daughter (un medicated) struggles to follow conversations, especialyl multiple conversations..............actaully she still struggles with this even medicated , but it's better. So what will happen is people will ignore her. Now she is entering 8th grade (at a high school program) and you know, it seems somewhat different. Things are changing for her and once you get into your teens with kids they start to sort of "figure out" who they are and you get away form that mentality of getting along with everyone. That is' ok not to be like everyone else. This is hard lesson learned and late elementary and middle school is really hard for these kids.

Keep doing what you're doing, it sounds perfect, she really is going to be ok, just always be there for her and keep advocating, even socially.............

Hey i have a great book i bought to teach my daughter socail skills.It is awesome.I am actually using it for all my kids and for me.!.They wont just "get it" so you will need to help them. The book is called " Socially ADDept" ( A manual for Parents of children with ADHD/ and or Learning disabilities. It is a work book with 8 lessons and alot of social cues you will want your chidl to understand.We do about a lesson or so every two weeks.Its been amazing. Now we will be somewhere and I will look at one of my kids when they do something socailly unexceptable and they say.."oh social cues".They are actaully becoming aware of it.It is really great..made for all ages. I think you will really enjoy the lessons.. I read them then just have a casual chat with the kids.They ahve learned so much in jsut a few weeks!

Good luck!

My son is 12, almost 13. He never did much with the kids from school. He has a small group of 3 friends from the neighborhood. They all live within a block of each other. These 4 are all the same age, with the 1 girl being the youngest (but the most mature). I find that 1 friend at a time works the best, when there are 2 boys over, it gets bad.

Try making friends in other situations, school is not the only place to meet people. Try soccer, swim team, karate or some other type of group (like dance or church).

If your girls are Chinese, are you a member of a cultural society? The city I live in has a cultural society that helps the adopted Chinese girls maintain a cultural connection to China and a social network for the parents. They get together to celebrate the Chinese holidays.

inspiredbymusic, That is a great suggestion and I have been doing that as much as possible.   They spend alot of weekends with their dad though and when they are here they just want to be home.  Our house is where all the kids on the block hang out.  Wyatt just doesn't like physical activity.  We live in a town of 800 people so it's been hard to find another kid with something in common with him.  Still working at it though.  

Adult.Chaos wrote:

Don't assume that they will"grow out of it". At age 11 I was suicidal, had no friends, got kicked out of catholic school for fighting, and caused (or at the very least) fueled my parents divorce. I always thought I was to blame. Guilt and ADD go hand n hand....- was pregnant/unwed at 18...dating an abusive man...it wasn't until seeking help for my son, that I learned what was "wrong" with me.

I think your giving a perfert example of some of the consequences that many people as they grow older will suffer as a result of ineffective treatment or no treatment at all for ADHD. As a result of the child not picking up on social cues, they are alienated from friends and constantly rejected so then the core problem becomes issues of low self esteem. No human being, ADHD or not doesnt escape sufferng from the affects of being shunned or rejected. Adult.Choas, you are also right in that children don't grow out of ADHD so as they get older, the problems become more complicated and intense so parents have to look at long term solutions.

If the child is effectively medicated, although they do pick up on social cues as a result of the medication allowing the child to be focused, they have to learn how to be social and also learn how to deal with negative situations in a social setting so arranging playdates is a great idea however, children with ADHD don't learn these things through the example of other children. They learn visually through role playing so it is highly recommended that in combination with medication, the child be enrolled in social skills training classes. The child may get a small benefit by being around children that set a good example but this is a short term solution. As children get older peer pressure and the desire to fit in increases tenfold and mom can no longer arrange playdates. Also, you cant talk a child out of having low self esteem. Try to find something that the child does well and enhance on it. A sense of self accomplishment creates building blocks to higher self esteem. The child may like to draw, or build things. Display their work all over the house and also make scrap books of their work and show them off to friends, family and neighbors. Every child has some kind of talent so the trick is finding it and then using it as a tool to help the child feel  a sense of self worth. If the child likes to sing or play an instrument, get the child lessons. These are just examples. In doing this, the child will realize that its their talents that sets them apart and makes them uniqe and special. In realizing this, their self esteem will soar. My son liked photography so his photos became the wallpaper in my home

Everyone here is giving great suggestions and while we all know that the journey can be long and hard, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. On those days when you feel like pulling your hair out, only on this message board will other parents understand why

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