Son’s ADHD friend bad influence. | ADHD Information
I think it sounds like you are handling the situation well. Like you said, don't stop the playdates, just keep a close eye on the boys when they're together so that an out-of-control situation doesn't happen, especially if your little daughter is around. I think if I were you I would also have a a few private conversations with your son and say something like, "I'm so proud of all the progress you've made learning to control your anger. I guess so-and-so is still having a hard time with that." And also maybe review with him ideas for what he can do if his friend starts acting aggressive toward him. Maybe your son will be a positive role model for the other boy and he will learn how to control his aggression too!Good luck!
I do think you need to limit the playdates. However, I think you should make a point of spending time with the friend, and not losing the friend because of the child.
My child was aggressive and I lost many friends because my son couldn't play with their kids. However, there were kids that my son could play with. Some kids just are not a good fit together, and by continuing having them together they just continue to fight and cause bad things to happen.
Your son does have to eventually learn how to deal with all different types of kids, and that will come with maturity. I just wouldn't make it a habit of having them together - encourage the other mom to find children who will get along with her son ok. I tend to find that more quiet, easygoing kids do better with more aggressive ones - they tend to let the aggressive one get his/her way and things tend to go a little smoother.
This is why so many parents of ADHD kids lose friends...just try not to lose the mom!
I've also lost friends who didn't understand. Our boys are great when they are getting along. If all they did was pound on eachother, they wouldn't be friends at this point. We all started becoming friendly about 2 years ago. Like I said, I've ALWAYS gone with the flow and made allowences for both boys as is necessary for kids with these issues. I'd never stop a friendship for myself or my kids if things can be worked out. My friend and I can't wait for camp to start so WE can have kidfree playdates . As I mentioned, my son WAS the aggressive kid. It was awful for him socially. I guess what I wanted to ask was how other parents of kids with adhd would react/handle this. I've always been on the other side of things. I understand the ODD aspect of my friends son's diagnosis makes a big difference, its just becoming more obvious how that influences this poor kid when DS is overcoming the aggression factor and he's not coping as well.Alrighty. Never thought I'd be in this position. I am very close with another mom of an ADHD boy. Our boys have been good friends and she and I are very supportive of eachother's trials with our special boys. (We also both have daughter that are 1 year apart in age that are also friends). We have Easter Dinner together and are like family.
Her son not only had ADHD/Hyperactive type, like my boy, but also ODD. I like her sone very much, he is a bright kid. very sociable and darn cute. Although our boys are only 4 months apart age wise her son is a grade ahead, and the very youngest in his class as his bday is the end of August....so he just finished 1st grade while my DS is starting 1st grade in the fall. ANYWAY....we have always been able to roll with the punches (no pun intended) when boys argue/get aggressive. This past year the boys haven't spent as mch time together since they were both in school full-time. My DS has worked his little butt off to change his aggression issues, and I have to say he's done it. He was the kid that would hit/scratch kids on impulse from frustration. Now he hesitates to defend himself if he is hurt by someone. Last week we got our boys together. They couldn't agree what to play but eventually the both played indoor basketball in the finished basement and we had the girls outside. I heard yelling inside, went in and the boys were rolling on the floor clawing at eachother. The other boy had bitten DS so hard on the arm that 5 days later you can still see marks and bruising. He pretty much attacked DS. Both boys told us that DS's friend went after DS and bit him (and pnched and kicked him) because DS didn't want to change the game. DS didn't see it coming and we devastated that his friend did this to him. This boy has also gotten aggressive with my very petite 4 year old DD. I've always been able to go with the flow since I know first hand about this stuff, but this is altogether different than any incident between these boys or anything my DS has done. I'm am afraid that if they are together alot that DS will lose some of the important and wonderful progress he's made with socialization and with him starting elementary school next year, I don't want to risk that. The other boy was on an IEP in K but it lapsed and my friend did not look into another one for any services. I did speak to her about this incident and my concerns, but boy did I feel like cr*p doing it. Although she says this hasn't happened in a long time, it was only a few months ago that her son was sent home from the neighbors for biting 3 of the kids (2 of them guests of a party). Her son is agrressive with her all the time, I've seen it myself. I would never...NEVER blame a parent for their child's ADHD/ODD. However, I have spoken to her several times about continuing the IEP for his socialization. He is on medication, which has helped his school work quite a lot.
So. What do I do? My son in no angel, and I know that. Its just that DS is progessing/improving where my friends son isn't. I would not stop playdates altogether, but I'd be on alert when we do. I feel like a hypocrit, but I honestly don't know what to think. I didn't forsee this at all....I thought DS would have to catch up to his friend. This sucks. 
ok, I'm going with the point that you have to be Mom to your child first. Your job is to help your child become a responsible caring adult. I DO think we need to be a little MORE understanding of childrens "issues", but that does not mean letting your child be hurt OR undermining everything the two of you have been working toward for a long time. I know what you have been through.
I'll tell you a story that breaks my heart, My daughter has ADHD along with NLD and other LD's. She's a sweet kid with a lot of stumbling blocks and social issues. Anyway, last week she took a cooking class for kids with "issues" that I signed her up for. She was with some significantly disabled children. She was miserable and extremely uncomfortable. The Mom of the one girl her age REALLY was pushing for us to connect with our girls as she was having such a hard time finding any kid of social connections for her daughter who has Down syndrome. My husband and I were heartbroken over this poor girl and my husband really wants dd to befriend her. My daughter cannot understand a word this girl says and is very uncomfortable with this. I am not going to make my daughter do this. I'm just not. She's a child and it's not up to her. She neede to ber respectfula nd understanding of this girl while they were together, but that is it. But for dd who has a har denough time following typical conversations, it's not fair to force her into a relationship. And yes I know I'm now walking in some one else's shoes....but maybe it's making me more understanding of "them".
These are children and although as parents of ADHD children I think we should not judge, we do not need to make our children be in unpleasant situations, that is not fair.
Ok this is not about us, but I hope you get my point. I personally would limit the contact, or 100% supervise them. Your son child should not have to either figure this out on his own, nor take the aggression, he is a child and a child with his own set of concerns.
Diane V39629.6859953704Hi all. I've been a lurker for awhile. But after seeing this thread, had to write. I completely understand the mama bear in all of us and putting our kids first. But the No. 1 thing I try to teach my kids is to treat others as we would like to be treated. This is the time the other mother and her child need the most support, not someone turning their back. (Yes I know you did not mean that, but withdrawing a bit would possibly feel that way to her). This should not be at the expense of your child, of course. But you should be able to find a way to meet both of your needs, considering she is a friend. Supervised outings seem like the perfect solution, as well as giving that other mom a shoulder to lean on if she needs it. We need to support each other in this mixed up world and be understanding. Hope it works out for all of you. I really don't think anyone thinks you should drop the friend or not besupportive of her and this child. You can limit and supervise the boys time
together and still be supportive. You could even tell this other mom that
both of the boys are getting too riled up together. Put a little of the blame
on your own child. In the end I do think you have to put your child first. He is
just a child and shouldn't be put in situations that undermine what you've
been working on or where he could get hurt. My ds has been physically hurt
by his friend many times and nobody wins in that situation.
Good luck and congratulations on your ds's progress.
MominKC....I'm not sure if you read either of my posts in their entirerty. I tried very hard to make the points that:
1) I know what its like to be in her shoes, I have ALWAYS been in her shoes
2) My goal is to maintain the friendships of all involved
3) I did speak to my dear friend about the situation
4) The other child in question is not only ADHD but is severely ODD
My son and I spoke that day and have spoken again about the incident. I've said reminded him that he too used to hurt people when he would get angry but that I'm so proud of all his work to change that. Within that context he understood. I'm thinking that most of these points answer your post.
Hi, Twodoodles. Postings are so difficult to get tone right, aren't they? I know you were trying your hardest to be kind and I completely get where you are coming from. I think I just immediately put myself in your friend's shoes and felt the "judging." I think all of us have either felt judged as parents or had our kids judged and its such a horrible feeling. That was just my read on your posting and it made me defensive, I suppose. We're all in the same shoes on this site, when you look at it. 
Take away from my posting the following thoughts: Try the organized/structured playdates for awhile; try talking to your friend again if you feel things don't get better (as I just sense you're still upset about it all, again, understandably); use this as a learning opportunity for your son each time if something does go wrong and he does right.
but be there to supervise and talk to your ds and use the situation as a
learning experience for your ds. It is hard because you want to be
supportive of your friend and her ds, but you also have to do what is
best for your son and his progress. I have a similar situation. We carpool
with a family that has 3 kids. The oldest girl is my dd's best (and one of
her only) friends and the youngest child is a boy my ds's age. I am close
to the mom and like the family. This boy has ADHD and I suspect
bipolar. Their father is ADHD/bipolar and is currently hospitalized for
the third time in 2 years. It is a very sad situation as they have not been
able to stabilize him. The son who is my ds's friend and age is VERY
aggressive. He is currently medicated for ADHD and doing better but it's
like waiting for the other shoes to drop. You just never know when he
might expode and my ds is a lot of the times the target. This boy is also
very mischevious and always doing something he shouldn't and trying to
convince my ds to join in. My ds is inattentive and not aggressive in the
least. As a matter of fact my ds is very well behaved, does very well
socially, is funny and very well liked by peers and teachers. In the past I
have just tryed to limit their time together and really monitor it. I want to
support this family and child but in the end I have to support my ds first.
At such a young age I don't feel my ds can completely understand and
handle every situation that comes up. In groups this boy is very focused
on my ds. They have been in school together since they were 2
(preschool and now elementary). Starting in prekindergarten I have
requested that the boys NOT be in the same classroom because I feel it
would be very disruptive. The mom does not know that I have requested
this and I feel bad, but I don't feel like it would be good for either one of
them to be in the same class. All that being said, I did not make the
request for next year because the boy has been doing better and
because I have made some special requests for my dd for next year and
didn't want to ask for too much. Now I am really worried and am
thinking of calling the counselor. What do you guys think? I just don't
know that it is fair to either one of them to be in the same class EVERY
day. My ds really likes the boy and considers him a good friend but the
boy is so comfortable with my ds and focused on my ds that he is almost
worse around him. So sorry for such a long reply but your situation
immediately made me think of our situation and the parallels. Good luck.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing and at least they don't have
to be in the same class!!
Maybe it's just me, but I have to be honest and say pot, kettle, black. As someone who also has an ADHD child, you know how hard it is to walk in those shoes. It's not fair to kick them off and put on some new fancy ones now that your situation is improving but your friend's is not. Maybe I'm being harsh, but maybe you should try putting her shoes back on and think about this situation from your friend's perspective. What do you think she would do if the situation were reversed? How do you think you would feel if your child was the one not improving? I definitely agree you do not want to jeopardize all of the wonderful progress you have made with your son. Maybe you change up the playdates for awhile so that both boys are put in a much more structured, supervised environment when they are together. Maybe you take them to a movie or out to a special place to eat or a local museum or whatever, where it makes sense for you to be by their sides the whole time. Or maybe you just need to talk to your friend so you can work together for the sake of both boys. You can also use this as an opportunity for your own son to engage in a teaching moment to help out his friend. Just my two cents. Again, not trying to be harsh; just picturing myself as your friend.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, we've had similar instances with the boys as JO58 has had, the difference is that both boys were WAY at fault. I often ended up dealing with both boys as my friend would kinda give up with her son. Sometimes my ds was the instigator.
I've notice a differences growing between the boys as ds was doing better. It wasn't that this had to do with biting vs getting hit with an object. Its was the out-of-control and viciousness of it that has me upset. The boy just went after DS for disagreeing about a game.....not the first time, but this time the other boy was intent on truly causing physical damage. Okay, today I talked to my friend. Her son asked to do something and she said 'no'. His response was to punch her in the stomach and throw a vase at her, then tear through the house. She had to lock all the door (equipped with high locks he can't reach) to stop him from getting outside in that state. It's really not about the biting. For the first time I've seen the boy just lost it on DS.
MominKC: Its been a long road for us helping DS. I was as anti medication as you could get and tried everything else. We did turn to meds and it changed alot, but he was still impulsive frequently. DS saw a psychologists that specializes in ADHD for a year, he has had 2 years of social-skills groups through school and 6 weeks last summer. We got him enrolled in Karate. I use the Out of Synch child as a guide for ds. I sit with him every day and practice calm breathing and he's using that when he gets angry 80% of the time. I give him a massage every night and talk alot about how the body works and what kind of things get him revved up. I posted about the "How Does your Engine Run" program and we are still using it at home. I"ve also stepped back a little so my energy isn't feeding his. Tons of praise. I wrote a story for him about a puppy with adhd and he helped by drawing pics for it...not publishing material, but he liked it. Next week we finally have his first appointment at the ADHD clinic in Worcester, so I'm excited to see what else can help my boy. I've gotten a TON of help from the good folks on the board. When I first started posting I felt like I was doing everything wrong, DS were having a hard time together and I felt like a total failure. I was so angry at the whole situation and lost. Getting that reined in has been almost 50% as a parent. (oh yeah....I have ADD myself.....let the games begin. ) Diane V helped me through an awful med switch that just put ds through the ringer. Pretty much, if I read/hear about something I'll try it. I don't know if that answered your question....I think I'm leaving something out...but hey I'm ADD.....Ooo look, something shiny....gotta go 
I completely understand and agree. Before my son's friend was medicated
I could see that his mother was not being proactive and I didn't really
agree with how she was handling her son. I watched as this boy took an
oversized shovel and hit my ds in the back of the head for no reason as
my ds was walking away. Another time at my house when the boys were
upstairs for 15-20 minutes this boy took my ds by the face under the
eyes and scratched him all the way down both cheeks. My ds had 3-4
bleeding scratches down both cheeks that scabbed up. In both instances
the mom said to the child in a sweet voice "oh why did you do that, don't
do it again, okay, sweetie?" I just couldn't let that keep happening to my
ds who is such a sweet unaggressive child. It was teaching him to be a
victim. I did still support them but in a different way. I do have to say that
since this child started medication he has made a DRAMATIC turnaround
but I still worry that the medication may not always work for him and I do
have to support my child first, that is my responsibility.
Oh my, JO58, I certainly agree with you if my child had been hit with a shovel for no reason or scratched so severly I would not allow the kids to play, especially with the mom's reaction that you described. To me, that's way beyond what I understand to be ADHD behaviors. My experience and understanding (and rationale for my post) was for the typical aggressive ADHD behaviors -- not always understanding personal boundaries, hitting or pushing in response to a negative, gfighting over toys, etting upset over little things, etc. I would NEVER advocate for letting boys play together when extreme behavior is involved. I just assumed twodoodles was talking about more minor things, with biting perhaps being a borderline type of thing in that you can be hurt from that. I think we all agree we want to protect our kids first, while always remembering what it's like to be on the short end of the stick and thus trying to be laid back when we can ... which would not involve when our kids are hit with shovels or scratched so severely. Like I said, judging is my pet peeve but I also think parents owe their kids a responsibility to handle those types of negative situations appropriately.
BTW, twodoodles, what types of things worked for you in terms of getting your son to progress so well in his response mechanisms to help with the impulsivity? Would appreciate any tips/advice.
ditto on JO58's post. My youngest has a good friend and I am VERY good friends with her Mom. Her daughter is quite impulsive and for a coupld of years every time our kids played she either hit, pushed pinched, somehow hurt my daughter, who is not this way. Neither has an ADHD diagnosis, she's was just a hitter. Two things, one I do understand, but second, I didnt really expect my 3-4 year old to completely understand. She didnt know why she was always getting hurt and she shouldnt have to. I did back off a little on playdates, but I also disciplined this child when situations happened. The Mom was trying very much to get a handle on this and it's now passed and we are still very close freinds and my daughter had her first sleepover at a friends last week at their house.
No one is saying turn your back, BUT it is not up to your 7 year old to completely understand and not fair to expect him to. We're talking about being bit, not about getting in your face or being loud.
I'd never turn my back on my friend, she's a huge part of my life and that is what makes all this so hard. To elaborate a bit, both our boys have been physical with eachother, and like I said, I"ve always gone with the flow.
Over this past several years my son has been through alot. Some of you know my family's story, some don't. Not one step in this processes has been easy for DS or the rest of my family. I have put my son's needs before my sisters, parents, and friends. I have been uber involved with DS's school progress, his "team", his psychologist and busted both our behinds to find ways to help him with his sensory processesing issues. As much as I hate to say this, it literally makes my stomach ache, my friend's approach is by more the reactive rather than proactive type. I'm trying hard not to sound judgemental, and I'm not going to list what I feel she is/isn't doing. My point in bringing this up is that I don't see her son improving at all. Yes, I've talked to her at length about her son...with kindness, firmness and concern. I've even told her about this board repeatedly but she's never been to it. At any rate, this kid isn't going to just "outgrow" this stuff. We all know what hard work it takes to lead our special kids to a better way of getting on in the world.
My DS has progressed past his friend and it was so hard to get him to this point. DS and I love this other kid and we'll continue with them as we have...with scrutiniy. BUT, I am not comfortable with the thought of my son being ATTACKED, and knowing it will/could happen and patting DS on the head and saying, "we don't want to make your friend feel bad. He just has a hard time not hurting you."
In the past the boys have wrestled, punch, and yes...even bitten eachother. Both have been provokers. This was altogether different. I could see it in my son's eyes and face, that he was shocked by it all. THAT is good progress to see from my boy. He felt bad that he had to fight back...this too is a big step. But if the other kid isn't learning how to change this behavior how will it get better? I have honestly (hand on a Bible) been my friend's support system and have tried since I met her to help her take steps her son needs. He is ADHD/ODD/SPD. He has physically hurt my youngest who is 20 lbs lighter and a foot shorter. I've dealt with that too, because I do understand. But there has to be a line that can't be crossed no matter who the other child is or what their situation is. Where should that line be drawn? As I mentioned, I did speak to my friend, with all the empathy I have for parents like us. I just don't think anything is going to change. Look, it's not as though I don't understand how she feels. But if this becomes a consistant problem, I have to put my son's needs first. I'd be more willing to go with the flow this time too, if I knew he was getting the help he needs, but he isn't and I don't think he will.