Friend not getting her DS son he needs... | ADHD Information

ok.  this relates to a pp I wrote about this child's aggression with my son.  Now, they are both enrolled in a camp program through the town rec department.  DS and DSF (dear son's friend) have been sent to the office twice for fighting.  It seems that these incidents have been instigated by DSF.  So, DS was out of camp thurs (had our 1st  appntmnt at ADHD clinic ). and DSF went after 2 other kids...one he had really hurt and was trying to smother with his hands/not letting the other kid breathe. 

I can honestly say that I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of to get my friend to help her son.  He is ADHD/ODD/SPD and I mean capital O-D-D.  This post is truly coming from love and concern, so if it sounds like I'm throwing under the bus, that's not my intention.

She allowed his IEP to laps at the end of his Kindergarten year, and he went all 1st grade without one.  IMO he still needed social skills help and also OT for his SPD.  WHen he was seeing a therapist she would sometimes miss the appointment b/c she didn't like the 30 min. drive.  There really isn't any consistency with discipline. (usually the "that;s not nice" approach then Daddy comes home and DSF is locked in him room for hours).  I have told her flat out that DSF needs help...now.  Her reply was that the Ped had given her a list of people last year, but they are all too far away or don't take her insurance.  We had talked about this at that time, and I told her to call her insurance and they would give her names of therapists in our area...and I also said that means she might have to drive 20-30 mins, but that is NOT a big deal.  Her answer was that between gas and co-pay it would cost about a visit.  .  I really, really love my friend and her family but I'm getting angry with her about all this, and I am worried about her son too.  Her son wouldn't even be on meds that made him able to get through school this past year if it wasn't for me.  She always waits for notes from school or for something to happen....then its all about HER...."see what I have to live with!" 

I am so upset about this, and I know many of you will only hear that I'm judging her...which is true impart....but I haven't just sat on the sidelines here and pointed out her failures.  SHe has had the book "The Explosive Child" sice b4 we met 2 years ago, and only now says she's going to read it.....if she has time.

I am so sad and feeling very bad about all of this.  I've told her that I will help her any way I can, I gave her the name of the therapist I brought DS to, but I know she hasn't called him.  Her son is going to pay the price for this.  I just don't get it...she's very smart, educated, articulate etc etc etc.  The only thing I haven't done is get angry with her in person, I feel that wouldbe counter productive.  Its like knowing a car is going to wreck, and not being able to stopit.  What would you do??

twodoodles39641.192974537there really isn't anything you CAN do. At least any more than you're already doing. It's like watching a sibling or adult child fail, just be there, continue to support and offer friendly advice, but this is HER family and HER life, you can't make them do anything. Just keep suggesting the things that work for you guys and have helped and let her do her thing. I know how you feel, I have a cousin who I was very close to when we were younger, she then started using drugs and I was heartbroken for years and tried to help and support her and her kids, but there wasnt anything I could do, now 16 years later, she is still using and has had a life of HELL, her kids live with her Mom and it's heartwrenching but I eventually had distanced myself (I couldnt stay part of her life) and still see her kids and my aunt, but not her.....................not exactly the same thing, but you get the picture

Unfortunately you can't MAKE anyone do anything.  All you can do is provide the information and resources, and it is up to them to follow through.  Sounds to me like you have done a TON to try and help this woman and to direct her in the direction of help.  It doesn't sound to me like she really WANTS help - and some people don't.  I know people who have to have some kind of chaos going on in their life or they can't function.  If it isn't already there, they will create for themselves. 

If you can take it, keep on being her friend and supplying all the support and resources you can.  But, if it eventually gets to the point where it is affecting you or your family - sometimes you have to cut ties.  It sounds to me like this kid is hurting your kid.  And that is where I draw the line.  It is extremely hard to cut ties with someone, believe me, I have had to do it, but your family and sanity comes first.