"best friend" | ADHD Information

Just wanted to give an update:

My son talked to me about the video games this kid (who's also 6) was playing.  He said "You steal a car because you're criminals and then you accidentally run people over." [!!!  His parents let him play this game unsupervised?]  My son had his poor little face screwed up in concern over it.  "They're really little people though."

I told him he shouldn't play games there anymore, and when he protested that it wasn't fair I decided to move up his birthday present (October) and get him a Nintendo DS this weekend (I also just bought myself a new laptop for work, which he didn't think was very fair, that I got a new 'toy' and I wouldn't let him play with it). 

So now they both have their own game systems, and my son has an acceptable game to play.  Life is grand, right? 

My son let his friend play with his game (good sharing), but then this other kid wouldn't give it back.  And his father decided that since they were fighting they had to be separated!  (The other child had already been punished the day before for poor behavior - he must have been having a bad weekend.)

On the one hand, I'm thinking, alright!  The fearsome twosome has been broken up!  On the other hand, my son feels somewhat responsible for it.  All he did was share his game, which was good behavior, but he feels like he was blamed by the other kid's father.

And last night as the severe thunderstorm warnings were blaring from the tv the kid came over to ask my son to go to the beach with him.  As if.  And then the kid got mad at me for not allowing it!  Oh, well...

But that's the one bit of drama (that is bittersweet good news as far as I'm concerned).  Here's the really good news:

My son made another "best friend"!  That is amazing - he made two good friends over the summer.  This other child goes to the same daycare with my son.  He's new to town this month, he's 10, and he's also unmedicated ADD.  Because the daycare was closed last Friday and his mother had to work, I took him and they had a full day playdate.  They were awesome together!  We really packed it in.  First they had an hourlong Pokemon battle.  Then they went to the library and played on their computers (more than one - no sharing issues).  Then we went to the Children's Museum.  Then we went to McDonalds (Play Place - air conditioned playground!) for lunch, and then we went to a lake swimming for an hour or so.  Yes, it was a long day of lots of stuff, but the changing of activities suited them.  They were getting a little tired of each other at the end.  The other child was a better swimmer than my son, so they sort of separated at the lake.  But when his mom came to get him, they both wanted to go to his house to continue playing.  It was about 8 hours with some very minor and quickly resolved squabbles over toys.  Amazing.

So - here's what's good about all that.  1) My son is making connections  2) He's making them fairly quickly, which should help him in school - last year he didn't even want to be friends with the other kids until about 2 months in when they had already become set in their ways  3) He's doing sharing/give and take much better  4) His transitions are improving (when he separated from both his friends this weekend it wasn't a problem - then again, it might be because the other parents initiated it)

So I have great hope for him socially this school year.  And I will be very close - I will be teaching at the Middle School which is basically across the street from his school.  If there's a problem I can pop over at lunch to help resolve it.

So sorry for chewing your ears off, but I wanted to let you know in the zigzaggy path my son is following, he's definitely on an upswing. 

Can I just vent a second?

My son has a best friend who just drives me nuts.  Can I count the ways this kid is all wrong for my son?

Both his parents smoke, and I won't let my son be in a confined space with cigarette smoke.  So I have to be the meanie who never lets him go any place he's invited to by them. They sit and play video games.  I'm sorry, but that's not playing - two kids sitting side by side watching a tv, or passing a handheld back and forth. The other boy loves to play with guns and swords.  That really isn't a great choice for my son. And the number one thing that drives me nuts - how my son acts when he's not around this boy.  Transitions away from him are horrible.  He backslides like you wouldn't believe it - turns into a tantruming three year old.  And then he pouts that they can't play together.

Ugh.  Despite all that there are some really good things about their relationship.  They really are friends, and they play well together.  My son shares well (one of his sticking points), and acts like a polite normal kid when they're together.

I've actually talked to my son about give and take, that I'm relaxing my rules about being around smokers and gunplay, and so he needs to give me a break about wanting to be with his friend when it isn't the time for it.

Like I said - I just needed to get it off my chest.  Thanks for listening to me growl.

I hear you.  Glad you can vent here.  How old is your son? 

I also haven't let my kids play w/ or watch violent things.  I also have strict limits on TV, video games, and computer games.  I've learned to relax that w/ playdates.  So many kids seem to hang out w/ friends by playing computer games and video games.  I try to limit the time, but if I don't allow it, it's going to impact the way others view my 3rd grader, and I don't want him to lose friends over this.  Heck, it's been hard enough to get to a place where he has friends! 

Maybe you can have a good talk w/ your ds how he acts after separating from his friend.  Spell out the kind of behaviors you expect, and let him know that he can play w/ this boy only if you're seeing those kind of behaviors.  If you see the negative stuff, that means no playdate for 1 week or whatever.  Then, absence of those behaviors for five consecutive days (or whatever) means he's earned it back.  Do you think that would work?

I know how rough it is to have to constantly monitor your child's friends. But, we do what we have to do for the good of our child. I have not let Jon play with boys who are mean and roughhouse and get into trouble. I want to know that parents are there and supervising when he goes to their home.

As far as playing with guns and swords, unfortunately boys like to play that way. I will not let Jon shoot his finger (like a gun) or play with with toy guns. it's hard to explain to a child when his daddy is law enforcement, but I notice that when he plays softer things ( like jump rope, clay modeling, running, webkinz) he is gentler. And for Jon that is much needed!

I've had all sorts of chats with my son about his behavior.  Nothing sinks in.  I don't know that he can control it all that well.  I'm not trying to make excuses for him.  It's just that when he's around me or at school or in daycare or with relatives when he starts getting a bit out of control we remind him of it and reign him in.  I don't expect it of his friends' parents, but he needs those reminders.

Every once in a while I get to the point that I'm just about to snap and forbid him to be with his friend.  Which is cruel.  And how confusing would that be to him - I tell him all the time to make friends and then the one he has drives me nuts.  I feel like I'm jealous or a control freak who's lost my tether.  Neither of which are true.

What bugs me is I feel like it's a "beggar's can't be choosers" type situation.  I bristle that there isn't a larger pool of kids who will play with my son - because his devotion is never ending - so I can direct him toward kids who's lifestyles I am more closely aligned to.  How big of a snob does that make me sound like?  But parents of kids who don't have ADHD barriers can make those sorts of decisions.  I'm not "supposed" to not approve of his friends until high school at least.  It's too early for me to deal with these emotions!    Whine, whine!  :)

could you maybe shorten their playtimes together? Like to an hour and a half or so at a time?

I hear you 100% on this issue. My daughter has a very best friend (and she only has another 1 or 2 besides this girl). They've been best friends since first grade and are now entering 8th. A LOT of mean things have happened over the years to my daughter. This girl has her own issues, but she is also doted on and spoiled pampered princess who gets everything and has everything. As they've gotten older I feel she's kept my daughter as her safety net for when there'e nothing else to do, she walks all over her. Her stepmother used me a lot when they were younger for sleepovers and rides...etc., etc., I pulled WAY back after a BIG issue in 4th grade, but the girls stayed friends and like you said the pickin' was slim! She wasnt a bad girl, just not very nice. Anyway as they've become teens they are becoming different people, my daughter is sweet and innocent and young, this girl is pampered and spoiled, expect manicures and waxing and the spa.......I've encouraged my daughter to not let her go completely, they  are both growing and it was just time to move on and widen her circle. She started a new school this summer and has already met a new girl that is quickly becoming the #1 in her life, but I want her to keep in touch with the other friend too, but it's time to separate some......

no sure what you'll get out of that story except that he can keep him as a friend, but try hard to limit and encourage new friends too. We can't control everything and we DO need to let them pick their friends, as long as they are not getting into trouble, I bet as they age they'll grow apart on their own.

Our DD has had some friends in the past that we have had a hard time dealing with but we have found that eventually she would distance herself from them and find friends that have more of the same interests as her.  Unfortunately there have been "friends" in the past that I have had to put my foot down and say "You are not allowed to play with that child" but it was only when they were trouble makers, bullies, or just plain mean and unruly.  For the most part we let her use her judgment and just remind her to not let other kids boss her around or be mean to her.  It's so hard because I know I had friends growing up that my parents didn't like and the more they told me not to hang around them the more I wanted to.  So, we've tried to steer clear of that but it does happen.

The boy your son is hanging around with doesn't sound too bad.  If they get along and everything I wouldn't worry about it too much.  Just let him know that if his reaction to not being able to play with him when he wants doesn't stop you will not let him go to his house for a week or something.  It sounds to me like you have more of a problem with the parents than the child.  Have you tried to talk to them and get to know them better?  It might turn out that they are pretty nice people and will become a friend to you.

As for gun play I wouldn't worry about it too much as long as you explain to your son about the difference between REAL guns and play guns and what REAL guns can do.  Our DD has her own gun back in the states.  Her dad is a hunter and has lots of guns and loves to go to the gun ranges.  I also like to go shooting as well.  It has become a family activity for us.  She is very safe with guns and NEVER touches them without her father present and she always follows all the gun safety rules.  She knows that if she doesn't than the gun will be put away and she will not be allowed to go shooting with her dad.  We just always believed that as long as she is aware of the dangers and what a gun will do then it will be less likely that she will be hurt by playing with one or by someone around her.  She knows all the rules of gun safety and what is play and what isn't.  Plus all of our guns are locked up with like 2 gun locks on each gun.

Even if you never allow your child to hold a gun it is very important to let them know what the dangers are so if they ever get into a situation where another kid wants to "show them daddy's gun" they know how dangerous it is.  There are so many accidents where kids go to a friends house and get shot because they were playing with "daddy's gun" and didn't realize how dangerous that is.

My son's friend is a pretty good kid from what I can see.  Hense me thinking I'm just jealous of their friendship - it's a logical conclusion to why if the kid's okay I don't like them hanging out together. 

My son is horrible with time limits.  I have a timer on the computer - it counts down when it gets to 5 minutes to log off time.  Then I'm not the one telling him to get off - it shuts down on it's own.  I need something like that for when he's playing with his friend.  I give him time cues, but they come from me so he's mad at me.  Sometimes for hours afterward.

Oh, well, it's a trade off I have to make in order for my son to have a friend, I guess.  It took a while for him to make progress in other areas.  I've got to give him time to learn to control himself with this new type of transition, too.

Thanks for listening to me kvetch!

Reward him when he ends playtime well. This is very hard for kids especially when they're having fun. If you reward him when he does end they playtime positively it will l help. Like everything else, wit consistency he'll get it eventually. I'm happy for him (and you) that he some one to play with that he enjoys being with..................