Dear..........................................

I feel better if I write you this letter and that you read it, as I feel more confident expressing myself in writing than I do in speech,I find it hard to express myself verbally particularly this subject, as its painful. Often I talk with nothing of substance sometimes because that's the way I come across  not intentionally, just my brain biology.

As with previous trips to doctors practices since my early twenties, I have just been misdiagnosed with anything but the disorder that I am 100% positive I have suffered with all my entire life that is ADD, although, I dont wish to sound presumptious and come with all guns blazing,  I fully appreciate that ADD /ADHD is misundestood and seen in children mainly, 

I am however convinced that the Depression , Anxiety, Ocd and the numerous medications I have been prescribed with all fit neatly under the umbrella which is  ADD.

I want to show in this letter that I have the evidence that highlights that I have ''inattentive ADD'' and I that I am not looking for attention, self-pity or  just a label, but to find a reason to why at almost 30 years old, I have felt a sense of underahievement all my life and that with a string of failed jobs, failed relationships and now no close friends, I need to understand what has made me feel so sad, so that I can enjoy my life , as it is only one life.  Friends don't understand because when I vocalise my problems they don't sound so bad "Oh I can't read directions" or "My mind wanders",''I keep losing things'', ''I have a hopeless memory''. People don't realise that it can ruin nearly every aspect of your life if it gets out of control, which in my case is so true.

I have had an inkling for several years, but I suppose I was not at the stage where I wanted to start the ball rolling or to stop proscrasinating in order do anything.  The ADD trigger was when I saw a lady named Ali talking about her recent ADHD diagnosis on GMTV, last week, she has the hyperactivity , which I know I don't, my symptoms however lean towards the inattentive ADD,  unmotivation, apathy,  constant boredom, sadness, chronic low self esteem,low attention span and distraction and excessive daydreaming. 

I also went to local  support group and this was great as I found like minded people, on the postive side it was a relief to find other sufferers, some diagnosed and others like myself undiagnosed, sadly, the negative side, was  I felt I belonged in the group and was understood for the first time in my life, I think of all my missed opportunities.  I was told to get a referal. 

Just some examples from the past but are relevant to my now future,  I  remember at university, one girl said to my sister, 'she's in a world of her own' and that unfortunately still is the same now and 12 years later, I am the same 'space cadet', 'dreamer', it   makes me feel frustrated and I have a  sense of hopelessness.

I have been told that I am selfish and I only think about myself, I don't care about others, but this is not true, It is because I have to daily struggle with my own inner turmoil, as much I wish to connect and reach out to others, I feel like I can't  'see the world' in the way they do.

Hence, I have difficulty in following a conversation with anyone, as I tune out.
 
I always feel non ADD people know something that I don't when conversing with others, it is like they have a different rhythm when they talk.
 
I  tend to over talk and interrupt people, it is because I have a thought in my head and so that I don't lose my opportunity to participate in the conversation, I jump in without thinking through what I say and I totally get the wrong end of the stick, I am laughed at and then I am embarrassed, others are embarrassed and then I don't speak, I remain quiet throughout the conversation and then people ask what's wrong because I become moody and silent .

I am impulsive and I speak and do things without thinking, at work the other day I burnt toast in the toaster and set the fire alarms off, I have lost 3 house keys in 4 years, I lose jewellery, clothes on chairs, trains, shopping on buses, credit cards by tills, I am forever in fear that I will lose something valuable, as my mind is always in a total whirlwind of distracted thoughts, that I have a racing mind and I can't keep my concentration sustainable for long periods of time.

I repeatedly never learn from my mistakes, I can be told 100 times to do the same thing and yet I cant get the gist, so the same old patterns and conversation with members of family are repeated again and again, ''why haven't you done this?', why did you forget to feed the dog?' ''your wrapped up in yourself'', I am always being told off for being irresponsible, and at my age, this is concerning. I would love to be seen as a responsible 30 year old, organised , switched on, all those things you need to progress in life, but however hard I push myself, however hard I try, I just cant motivate myself to achieve everything I want to.

All the people I grew up with appear to have made something of their lives, I am always stuck in the same place, never going anywhere, never progressing. I know I am not lazy, I try harder at things that most people find easy, but for some inexplicable and frustrating reason, I just can't climb out of this hole or rut. I come back to square 1 all the time.  

At work, when I need to have focus for a task, my mind is thinking about totally irrelevant things like, ''what DVD should I watch'?, 'did I post that letter?', I know I need to think in the moment, but it is hard when you have thoughts whirling around like a washing machine cycle.

I was also told by a concerned friend that my mind thinks in templates, what she was trying to say was I have rigid thinking and this is true, I hate change of any kind  , I have a comfort zone and I have set ways ,

I need people to give me structures, I do feel unfairly nagged at home, work, not because I am lazy, but in my brain it is as if I don't possess the ability to think for myself in an organised manner, my work colleagues feel bad for bossing me around , but they don't know why they do it, I try hard but it feels like I can not sustain myself mentally like non ADD people. I just don't have that sustainable concentration, that makes life easier and helps to get things done. 

Academically, I have done well, which ADD does allow , with a 2:1 degree (that took me 5 years rather than 3 like the others in my year- as I had extenuating circumstances due to my severe procrastination).

 I should be further along in life , I am not fulfilling my potential, which is heartbreaking and very frustrating. I meet other people who seem to have progressed further in life from my school, and although I have been handed similar opportunities, I just can't nail them , I know its not my fault, just some biological defect that is preventing me from getting on in life, this makes life seem overwhelming and hopeless for me and I often feel like I don't want to be around anymore because the struggle leaves me drained of energy, I don't sleep at night, through excessive worry and I physically struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I drink countless tea and coffee throughout the day as the stimulation makes me feel alive and proactive, it helps my concentration and focus, for this letter it has taken me 3 hours so far, as I have been distracted whilst writing this. I eat food for comfort.

I complain at work and home that Im bored all the time, I only apply myself to something if I have a high interest in for example I can sit on the Internet for up to 6 hours straight,(a term is hyperfocus)- I do this frequently, when I am highly passionate I can sustain long periods of concentration, but only if highly stimulating, if I am not stimulated I switch off and often if not at work fall asleep from boredom. Yet I do the housework in 10 minutes, I have uneven proportions in all areas of my life.

Since discovering the research attached to ADD, I now can jigsaw my patterns of life at school together, I was bullied at 13 and being teased because I used to be oversensitive and let things get to me where in the big picture they were not that important. This happens to me still, I appear snappy and awkward with people , also emotionally open because I so desperately want to be understood and accepted.

When I joined several ADD forums the other day, I broke down in tears because some of the ADD sufferers sounded like my life autobiography, a textbook copy of what I endure all the time. I left the school i was bullied at to attend another nearby school to do my a levels, and I recall a pupil of from my old school saying to me ''Do you have any friends now?'' And 13 years later, it is the same old story, making friends but not being able to sustain the skills of keeping friends.


I cannot form the words in a conversation, like I can when I am writing, I often feel my brain is slower than others, my mind is sluggish, I am unmotivated and when I start a task , it is always with enthusiasm but then it tails off and I am left with loose ends , the inability to have intimate relationships, I have never had a long term relationship, the inability to keep friends, I make them but find it hard to sustain friendships, I have had countless jobs where I am at the point where I make so many mistakes at work, being totally disorganised, losing paperwork, getting confused, getting instructions wrong, a hopeless memory and a sense that I am just not right.

I have been labelled weird, weak, immature, spoilt, apathetic, selfish, daydreamer, failure, stupid, lazy minded, since i was 14, I have basically been a loner and I have felt intimated by people because I know my brain is wired differently and this has given me chronic low self esteem.

The bottom line is ,I do not want to wait for months and years to get diagnosed, as I have fumbled enough through life going down wrong paths, seeing the wrong people, getting the wrong treatment, so I will not give up, if I can get on the NHS, or if the last result a private clinic, then for the sake of a few hundred pounds (which financially will be hard) I am willing to do anything.

I am underachieving and I would like to have better social relationships,both personally and at work. 

I can't live independently, so, I am forever living with my parents, as I have experienced moving away in my own places but I then get lonely and I only can manage with structure, I can't structure my own time, because I need an anchor someone to get me out of bed, remind me to do this and that, I am so disorganised that living alone is impossible, bills, housework, simple chores distress me, I don't drive as I have low attention span , my concentration is fleeting and I distract too easily, so I am forever dependent on public transport, buses, trains, other lifts. life is overwhelming and challenging.

This ADD is badly affecting my life and I trust you can help me by a referral to an ADD specialist, and in the short term to start ADD medication?

 Thankyou for reading this letter.

Kind Regards


Hayley