Here is the biological mothers (ME--RingoBingo) response to step-mothers last short response (see prior post)
Ah.. this is tough.
I agree with you 100% Denise. I believe that Cody must do unto others as they would do to him. Period. I know that one day he is going to meet the wrong person who will not tolerate him and knock the sh*t out of him and give him a taste of his own medicine. I know that when he goes to high school or even middle school the teasing, the taunting, and the in your face cruelity will be given to Cody because he is going to piss off a lot of people. And this is exactly what I want to prevent. How does a parent, step-parent and others who deal with Cody everyday going to prevent it? Hell if I know.....but what I do know is that he has got to be taught that he can not manipulate it to his advantage. It's a constant whirlwind of teaching Cody--everyday reminders, everyday right in the middle of his actions. I know this. What I am trying to say to you and everyone else is Cody is NOT going to be easy to teach he never has been and he is NOT going to change. This is him 100%. Yes, he is bipolar. Yes he has to be accommodated. Period. What I am asking is to take a closer look at bipolar and compare it to Cody--see how it relates to Cody and his personanlity (pretend for a moment that Cody is Devin) Not an easy task for someone such as yourself in the role you are playing, I know and most importantly, I understand. He wasn't or isn't easy for Mike to deal with either and believe me, I was constantly caught in the middle. Not an easy task for a mother either, but I keep my mind open because I like looking at all angles and everyone's bias opinon. You can't hate Cody, Devin can't hate Cody, Dutch can't hate Cody, and Lil Dutch can't hate Cody just like Mike's kids can't hate Cody and big Mike can't hate Cody. Easy to do, yes.........but we just can't. He does have a disorder, a neurological disorder (that he will always have problems with) and one that everyone needs to understand and relate it too Cody. That is all I am asking.
While he was here, I told Cody to apologize and because the girls would snuff their noses at it, I told Cody, as long as you apologized then that is all that matters. Cody was hurt he was hurt by the girls not wanting to do anything with him. I understood the girls side of course, but I also understand Cody's side because I see that a lot of what he does, like his actions were uncontrollable. And Cody would turn around and do something nice for them but it was not reconginzed. They wouldn't have anything to do with it. Too me, that is pure bullsh*t. But they are kids.......teaching them to understand what bipolar is...is well....fricken difficult.
On the underwear...... NOT the baby wipes you think but the other ones for adults. Mom uses them, I use them. They are easy to use and for someone like Cody maybe using them would help him clean his ass better. I hate wrestling with the toliet paper while I am on the john, getting it all stuck on my fingers so I thought they would help him. He did like them better and used them here. I plan on sending him some when I send his package. He didn't tell you about the sh*t in his underwear, because don't you think it's pretty embarrissing? Can you help me? That sentence in of iteself is NOT something he is going to come to you and tell you. He is going to hide them in the garbage can. Out of embarressment only. So when he tells you no they are not his, yes, he is lying; but understanding WHY he is lying might lessen your stress a little. I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps you Denise. Again, I know he is a handful---
Finally--here is Step-Mothers' response to the above:
I BUY THOSE WIPES AND THEY HAVE EACH A BOX OF THEM, I HAVE BOUGHT THEM FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE I WAS VERY TIRED OF THE sh*tTY PANTS, I WILL NOT WASH THEM ANYMORE AND MAYBE THAT IS HARD, HE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON HE THROWS THEM IN TO BE WASHED BUT I PUT THEM RIGHT BACK IN HIS ROOM FOR HIM TO WASH. JUST LIKE PEEING ON THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM ALL THE TIME, HOLY sh*t ITS NOT THAT HARD TO HIT THAT BIG ASS HOLE BUT BECAUSE HE IS IN SUCH A HURRY ALL THE TIME HE DOESNT CARE. I KNOW BIPOLAR ALOT MORE THEN YOU THINK, AND MOST OF THEM CAN GET OVER ON WHOM EVER THEY WANT TO BECASUE THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT IT AND YES CODY IS VERY GOOD AT IT. THATS WHY WE DONT PUT UP WITH AS MUCH AS YOU DO, YOU SEEN HIM ALOT WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER BUT HERE LATELY HE HAS GROWN UP AND IS VERY SNEAKY AND KNOWS HOW TO GET OVER ON PEOPLE IF HE KNOWS THAT THEY WILL GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. JUST LIKE WHEN HIM AND DEVIN GET INTO A NAME CALLING THING AND IT GETS TO WHERE CODY ISNT WINNING OR GETTING HIS WAY THEN HE TRYS TO YELL DEVINS NAME SO THAT HE THINKS I WILL JUMP ON DEVIN RIGHT AWAY, I KNOW ALOT OF YOU ARE SAYING BUT LIKE YOU HAVE SAID IN THE PAST MANY TIME YOU SMOTHER HIM TO WHERE HE EXPECTS IT FROM EVERYONE AND NOT EVERYONE IS WILLING TO IT, HE NEEDS TO LEARN AND HE CAN LEARN IF TAUGHT THE CORRECT WAY. ANYWAY ITS BED TIME FOR HIM AND I NEED TO GET A FEW THINGS DONE ALSO.
Any feeback would be highly appreciated.
Holy smokes! It sounds like both of you have major anger issues.... my feedback would be to get yourselves in counseling. Anger is very stressful to your health and to the health of the people around you.
I don't know what this has to do with ADHD children, but bipolar is different and very debilitating both to the person that has it and the people around you.
My prayers are for both of you. Life is too short to be so angry.
I agree with Randy. Neither one of oyu can do what is best for him if you can't let go of the anger and get along.Ok....thanks for the feedback. My question:Does my email sound offensive, angry, or is the tone of the email wrong. Because, I am not angry with D, my aim is to help her deal with my son and nothing more.
TamsI didn't get anger from either of these emails....just sounds like frustration to me. (The poop thing is a MAJOR tolerance tester.) I didn't think your email was offensive either. Sibling rivalry is also hard on the nerves. I am assuming that she is not aware that capitalizing in email equals yelling.The capitalizing in the email was the only indicator too me that she was upset--other than the obvious remarks that "it's all about Cody and accommodating him"--
I think it's hard to communicate through email with certain people--b/c in my situation as you can see the interpratation of them are way off. She literally believes I am upset with her and I am not. I am way more understanding of the situation than she is giving me credit for and I just can not get it through to her.
Finally, last night, she replied to me that she would just keep her mouth shut and deal with it herself. My response to her was simple--D, I am not mad at you--I never was. I am just trying to help you.
So, we will see. Thank you for giving me feedback. Sometimes I feel like I am coming off totally wrong with her and I don't intend too---
TamsOne more thing--
Someone had mentioned earlier what this had to do with ADHD children---it has a lot to do with ADHD children, because my child is ADHD---as well as Bipolar.
For years I have been dealing with other issues aside from the typical ADHD symptoms, with a lot of research on my back, many books that been checked out of hte library as well as MANY doctors that my son and I both have been too, it wasn't until recently that my son was diagnosed with Bipolar as well as ADHD. He is both.
I don't want to turn this into a seperate forum topic--but there are a lot of similarities with both diagnosis's.
The reason I posted it was becauase, that side of the family find it very difficult to believe in something that is often intentional by one--yet can be explained as a symptom of bipolar. My son, Cody has a neurological disorder and he will never be "the perfect child"--sometimes we as parents must sweat the small stuff when it comes to these children because in my opinon I believe these kids will offer society a different set of rules (remain to be seen YEARS from now) they are not your typical child. We can learn from them. But us parents, are old school and expect our children to do this and do that.......ah, anyway--I am rambling on.
TamsDoes he live with step mom? Where is dad in all of this? Just curious. Yes, --a couple of years ago BEFORE he was diagosed with bipolar his father and I agreed to have him move to MS. His father wanted to offer help in raising him so it was a mutal agreement along with step-mother.
Dad is offshore working.
So step mom is having issues and asked for help? Maybe a phone call would be less offensive than e-mail, then your "tone" can not be misjudged. Is Cody happy there? Is he doing well in school? I guess if this is a one time problem then you almost have to step back and just offer moral support. Step parent or not (I am both) it is hard to feel "judged" even if that isn't what you were doing. If it is an ongoing problem and dad's not around then maybe Cody should be with you? No matter what anyone says I personally don't believe that a step parent loves the step child the same way as their own children no matter how hard you try. The bond is not less but different. I have no experience with bipolar or hyper active adhd (my ds is inattentive) but I would think it requires alot of love and patience. Just my thoughts. Step-mom gets frustrated yes, and is asking for help in a round about way--I take it more like venting, if you will.
I have recently conveyed to her that we need to communicate via phone. Hopefully, they will see things better.
Secondly, I am not even allowed to call the school or be involved in my son's IEP, due to his bipolar. D told me that yes, I was going to be included so when I created a list of accommodatioins for him, it was over looked and not turned in. I am SO fricken frustrated by this whole process and issue that I am going to loose it. Her reasoning behind it is that they don't want the school involved in a "situation". What that "situation" would be? Who knows....It is her way of saying in a nice way that my input and knowledge is not needed.
What does the biological parent do?
Tams
Dad has custody and the step mom has more legal rights than you? Sorry I am not getting that. Sounds like this is partly a "custody/legal" issue too. I know how frustrating that can be. We live right on the Candian border. My step daughter lives in Canada and is with us every other week in the summer, and weekends and some weekdays, in winter. My husband drives across the border to pick her up and bring her to school in the morning when she stays over during the week. He never misses a child support payment and pays alot of extras too. He drives her to dance and soccer etc etc but...he has no legal rights. She almost failed fifth grade and my husband had no right to get involved with the school at all. He would have liked to know that she was struggling so he could help. He also feels she is very immature and would have benefited all the way around by staying back but he couldn't get involved. If all of a sudden her mom would decide she can't come over more than the every other Saturday that he has a legal right to, then there would be nothing we could do other than a court battle that we may not win. It can be frustrating. I don't have any advice for you but you came to the right place for it and venting always helps.
Hi RingoBingo. It sounds as though the stepmom is trying to handle this herself if her husband is an offshore worker. Perhaps some outside help with mental health professionals would help her as well as your son. Since your son lives with the stepmom, I don't see how you can offer help except to possibly look up where she can get some help.
I did not know your son was ADHD as well as bipolar. I do know that the medications that he might be taking could affect many behavioral and physiological areas of your son's life. Perhaps the stepmom could have a discussion with your son's doctors and bring a list of things that are going wrong.
Randy
Exactly--I am venting. I am so frustrated.I raised Cody for 7 years, alone. During that time, his father's name was on everything!! Yet, he never once took it upon himself to call the school or talk to one of the MANY doctors that Cody would see.
But that is in the past. Right now, my son needs a team of people close to him that can offer help, suggestions, solutions, education, (especially at a public school) to assist him. It takes a team of people who love Cody to help him; especially since he has two diagnosis that significantly impact him in all areas of life. Which is what I am. I should be part of that team whether it is through school or medical to offer/help whenever possible. But they, (D AND D) think that they can do this on their own, and I do not doubt that they can....I have a lot of insight into his behavior, I have a lot of insight into Cody's personality----but it is not needed. It is somewhat of a custody issue....yet, one that is often manageable except when I ask to be included on such things like an IEP plan or when I need to ask a question to his doctor there, I am not given permisssion. Or when a simple converstation through email is often mis-understood. You know?
By, D lying to me just to pacify me she has created a whole another issue....does that make sense? What did she lie about you may ask? She told me, via email that yes, my name would be on all paperwork both at school for the IEP process as well as the medical part of it. She agreed with me on the whole "team" collobarating together to help Cody through his academics. Now, it was just said to pacify me. So where does that leave a mother? It leaves me bitter. But I can't be that way because it will not resolve anything.
My son sees a doc on a monthly basis to manage his meds. At one point last year Cody was admitted to two different hospitals. During the last visit to a hospital he was wiped out of all medications and started over, mainly to get a clearer picture of what was going on with him. It was determinded then that my son was possibly bipolar but the medical community tends to shy away from that diagnosis because of its severity and because there is NO set diagnositic criteria on it for children. So, recently when Cody was here for the summer I took him to UTMB to see a doctor who specialized in pediatric bipolar and he was diagnosed with Bipolar-NOS/ADHD-Hyper.
I wish and honestly am more than willing to do whatever I can to make life better for my son. And if there was a way that all of us could go to therapy together I would jump on it in a heart-beat. They reside in MS and I reside in TX. I wonder if therepists do video therapy for cases like this?
Also, I am a very fair and open minded person. I have no enemies, and lots of friends in my life. My heart is pure. My heart is big. Regardless of my past with my son's father--one thing is often conveyed to D and that is how much I appreciate her in my son's life. I am thankful she is there. Because she is a good hearted person. Had it NOT been for her, my son would not be where he is at now. I thank her often for that.
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