How to deal with back talk | ADHD Information

Your only response is "automatic timeout." Say nothing else. The timeout starts when the mouth stops. It starts in an undesirable place, like the hallway or the laundry room, or entryway.

I have been dealing with this type of behavior from my 7 year old son for years now.  No matter how often I explain that being disrespectful to me is unacceptable, it falls on deaf ears.  Yesterday a trip to DC was cut short because he had a meltdown over a toy he wanted (that was no longer in the store when we went back to get it).  We were walking down the street and all he would say for over 15 minutes was that I'm a liar and I am not nice and how much he "can't take it" etc...  It then continued for another 1/2 hour in the car.  I cried off and on for the 4 hour ride home.  It's so depressing to hear him say disturbing things and I can't comprehend how/why he thinks it's ok.  I fully know that crying and letting him see that he hurt me is not the best thing, but he was at the back of our large van and I don't think he was aware of my feelings at that point.

I just started taking my son to a psychologist for help.  If he gives me any good advice I'll be sure to share.  I think that the best thing you can do in any situation is be consistant.  Once you let things go, they think they've won.  And they'll never let you forget it.

I hate the "your a liar" card.  I get that all the time from my daughter.    This one bugs me far worse than your mean, unfair etc.

My suggestion is similar to others - don't engage - walk away.   Don't get drawn into the fight.

I recently listened to a podcast on Focus on the Family site with Dr. Kevin Leman.  It's called "Game Plan for Successful Parenting".  He was discussing his new book "Have a New Kid by Friday".   I haven't read this book (though have read others by him) but it sounds like a good one.  In his presentation, he made some really great points and had suggestions for dealing with this type of behavior.   It might be worth looking into.   Many of the things he advocates, do work well.   They were very similar to things our therapist had suggested we do and we have been very successful with them.

Good luck.
HorseMom39678.9668518519One thing that I noticed with my ds (8 1/2 years old) before he started on Concerta - now up to 36 mgs - is that the back talk was getting increasingly worse as the days went on. Within a 4-5 month period it got so bad that he would freak out and start saying things so over the top like " I am going to kill myself" or " I hate you"  " you are evil" - all over having to do something mindless like it is bedtime or brush your teeth. My fault was fighting back b/c it is human nature...I was perpetuating his behavior and promoting it by "fueling the fire" so to speak.

I was at my wits end, my husband wasn't considering meds at the time but I needed to do something so I got him evaluated by a pyschatrist. He was finally dx with ADHD & ODD. The doctor told us 60% of ADHD kids are ODD and that was what we were having the problems with. I finally convinced my husband to allow meds - ds was already on tenex 1/2 mg and we added 18 mg of Concerta - within 2 months we had to increase it to 36 mg and it has been great!! The trantrums have almost all stopped, the combative responses are almost all gone and when any bad behavior happens I have learned to just stare at him and he stops on his own and apologizes.

My son is borderline gifted - fyi. He is very smart but his issue is more of the inattentiveness at school - couldn't concentrate for too long. His ODD wasn't an everyday issue at school but when he got mad he would become violent in his reactions. His focusing has improved tremendously and he is much calmer with his fidgetyness (sp?). My biggest notice that we had the right dosage of meds was Summer camp - he attended last year, on tenex only and had lots of problems. This year - tenex and concerta - only 2 incidents the WHOLE SUMMER and they were minor.

Bottom line - your reactions and right dosage is the key - I believe he won't need to be on meds for life but now we are giving him the opportunity to learn, grow, mature and be happy - which all kids really need at this age - ours just need a little extra help.
Tosca---There are many of us that know exactly what you are talking about!!!!!!  Been there and still there................................It is so hard sometimes to disengage.  I know that there are times that I want to snap and sometimes I do.  I find myself yelling and it is not good.  One of the things that helps me is that went to counseling.  I haven't gone in quite some time but am considering it again.  It really helped and she (my counselor) helped me understand DS a little better.  It is wearing off though................Good Luck.  We are here for you!Dd (8) has ADHD and is Gifted.  She just started Concerta (18mg) this summer. 

Generally she is pretty easy to get along with.  At school she is not a "behavior" kid- her ADHDish behaviors are mostly needing to be kept on task by the teacher, and some calling out (and her giftedness means she is so freaking bright she always does know the answer).  The hyperness is not *too* bad, and I have been finding over the last few years it is toning down with age and maturity.  What she struggles mostly with is inattentiveness and a little bit of impulsivity (though the impulsivity has slowly improved over the years too).

What we have been struggling with late is tone, attitude, talk back.  This morning for example I made her some toast with almond butter for breakfast.  This is something she normally likes.  Of course, I usually ask her first what she would like- almond butter or cream cheese?  Today she flipped out and immediately launched into yelling about not wanting to have almond butter because she might get some on her clothes and she was going to day camp, which is supposed to be nut-free.  And that *I* am irresponsible because of this.  Of course, I know better- I should have not engaged her- but I replied that maybe if she hadn't slept in, she would have made it down to the kitchen earlier to tell me what she preferred.  And, then she came back at me with "BUT YOU KEPT ME UP TOO LATE LAST NIGHT, I WAS TIRED!!!"  Which is true because we took the kids with us to a local music festival which went on far too late and in hindsight wasn't the best thing to do the night before going to day camp.

She is very much a debater, is very very smart, and will argue stuff to the death.  It is exhausting.  Many times I want to say "BECAUSE I"M THE MUM, THAT'S WHY" and be done with it.  This scenario probably most often plays out when it comes to tidying her room- I'm sure probably all of you can identify with these battles.  When it comes to other things, she's usually game to go.  I can't say she is a kid with transition issues, because almost always is up to going out, trying new things, etc. 

It's just certain things she can really, really dig her heels in on, causing things to escalate quickly.  Last week she blew up at me because I'd promised her I'd tape something from TV that she'd be missing while at daycamp, and the VCR finally bit it.  She blamed me, said that I'd lied, that she'd never trust me.  Later she apologized and said that she was just really disappointed and frustrated, and that she knows I tried to make it work for her.  Sigh. 

So, when it evolves into a full blown tantrum, my biggest challenge frankly is how to control my own feelings.  I know what to do with her- I speak to her in the calmest, clearest way I can muster, and if she's crossed a line with yelling, I ask her to go to her room and close the door behind her until she can calm herself down.  I tell her that when she's calmer, I'm more than happy to talk to her in a reasonable way.  But I make it clear I will NOT be treated in an abusive way.

The good side of these situations is that after the dust has settled, she pretty much always apologizes.  And it's not a prompted apology- she does it on her own initiative, and she tries to explain what happened in her own words.  We kiss and make up, and I apologize too if I've crossed a line (I'm guilty of running into another room and slamming the door behind me, because I'm so angry and frustrated that I NEED to get away from her at that moment.) 

I can't say this is caused by the medication.  There has always been some of this stuff with her, but again, just sometimes- generally she's a fairly easy going kid.  My own therapist who I see for stress and anxiety (gee, why would I have stress in my life with an ADHD child?  lol) described these behaviors of dd as a form of emotional impulsivity, and I think I agree with that.  It's like she gets this gut reaction when something goes wrong and runs with it. 

Bah.  I do not know what to do.  I feel like having a serious chat with her, away from the heat of these moments, and explain to her that if she treats people this way, they simply won't want to be around her.  Because really that's what I feel in the heat of it. 

I don't know.  Help anyone?

Tosca,

  You already know the answer.  Disengage.  It takes two to argue, debate or fight. I would just acknowledge her frustration and walk away.  Something like' I know that you are frustrated but I don't wish to be talked to this way.  When you have yourself under control I will listen to what you have to say' and walk away. Or send her to her room until she has herself under control.  Being a kid isn't easy.  They have their growth spurts and that includes their need to be in control and assert their independence. Learning an acceptable way isn't always easy for them. I agree that it probably isn't the medication.  It's just 'growing pains'.

The bottom line is that you are the parent and the adult.  Once she learns that you won't accept this abuse from her, [along with appropriate consequences for her actions]it will slowly sink in. And, I would talk to her about her reactions, how to act and not react, the best way to get her feelings across and how not to hurt another's feelings when she is in an acceptable mood. Try getting her to help formulate a plan of positive behavior.

Parenting isn't easy, is it? And kids wonder why we get grey hair! lol!  You are a good mom. Don't forget it.  She will learn how to control her impulsivity and emotions. It is just plain wearing on the authority figures in her life until she does.  Good luck!

I'm anxious to hear the responses.  Your DD sounds a bit like my DS.  He is 13 so we have all the "teen" attitude going on as well.  If you haven't done so yet, read up on giftedness.  My DS was identified and put in a gifted program years ago and I never gave it much thought.  We recently moved to a state with a terrible GT program so I started doing some reading on giftedness - very interesting stuff, especially concerning how much giftedness can look like ADHD.

Good luck!