Help! Fighting between siblings. | ADHD Information

I have a soon to be 9 year old son with adhd and a 7 year old daughter, who I also think might have adhd. My problem at the moment is that they do not get along. Mostly due to my 9 year old. It's worse than just typical sibling rivalry. He almost goes out of his way to be mean towards her. He has no care for her feeling and he is constantly yelling at her. It breaks my heart because I know she just wants to play with him. I'm getting so tired of the fighting and yelling and I know she is getting tired of being picked on.

Does any one else have this problem and what have you done? I could really use some advice. Thanks.

Have they been together nonstop during the summer?  They might just need a break from one another.  My boys are close in age and they have times where they can't stand to be separated from one another and then times where they can't stand to be in the same room as each other.  Things might improve once school starts back.  In the meantime, see if you can separate them at home doing different activities and let him know that being mean to his sister won't be tolerated. 

I have 13 yo and 9 yo girls both w/ADHD.  The older is very bossy and critical of the younger.  Unfortunately the 13yo copes by being hyper organized and almost has a melt down if things aren't perfect and the 9yo is DISORGANIZED.  Two complete opposits in behavior w/the same dx.  Maturity helps and I have been successfull in stressing empathy to both of them.  IE:  How do you like it when someone is critical, says mean things to you?  I try to reinforce do unto others.  (Not always effective.)  Another thing that I have found effective is telling them that they are all a part of me, dad, each other and when they are mean to each other, they are being mean to me/dad.  IE:  I love you all so much that when you are mean to each other it hurts me.  This was very effective when they were younger.  Setting clear boundaries and acknowledging that no you don't have to be w/your str, talk to her, play w/her, but you do not get to be mean, call names, hit.  This does not mean that they never argue.  I encourage them to try to resolve problems themselves, but intervene as needed.  I also try not to discipline one in front of the other.  This cuts down on tattling and petty arguments just to get the other one in trouble.  (I have explained to each of them, that just because they don't see the other be disciplined that it is not happening, also what is effective for one is not for the other and they don't compare or think I'm playing favorites.)

Sibling rivalry is so hard. Mine are only 3 and 4 and they fight alot. 4yr
old wants to play too rough with 3 year old or play mommy so to speak.
It's hard to keep them apart and keep them from fighting. separation, separation, separation. Eat separately, watch TV in different rooms, do homework separately. One dresses in the morning while one eats, etc.

Have to agree with the separate philosophy.  My son is 9, daughter 3 1/2, and there are times when it can be a battle zone.  Interesting insight from the pediactric neurologist we see for my son.  We were in recently to discuss upping his dosage (focalin XR, clonidine).  Told her about the fighting.  She was dismissive of this behavior.  I mentioned the big age difference, it was not fair to the younger sibling.  The doctor went on to tell me that HER big brother, older by 7 yrs, picked on her, sat on her, etc.  Felt that this was normal behavior, suggested we work on it with our behavior doctor.  I was one of 7 children, and must have selective memory b/c I don't recall behavior like this when I was growing up.

I put my son in full time daycamp and it saved the summer.  There are wonderful times when they get along just swell.  THe level of fighting is not acceptable to my family, but we have made accomodations.  My son eats his breakfast in the sunroom, my daughter in the family room.  They are far apart when he is doing his homework.  I cannot help but be reminded of an old Peanuts cartoon featuring Linus and Lucy.  Everything Linus does bugs Lucy; the TV is too loud, his toy is too noisy, he is turning book pages too loudly.  Finally, he gives up and goes into the kitchen to make a peanut butter sandwich.  Lucy storms in, and he comments "What, am I buttering too loud for you?"  Welcome to my life (sometimes)

 

We have Citizen of the Week and Brother/Sister of the Week. I know it sounds silly, but my husband and I decide who did what they were asked without talking back or complaining and also who said something or did something nice for others during the week. That person receives a ribbon. Then once a month we have Citizen of the Month and Brother/Sister of the Month. The winners get certificates and a Dairy Queen Blizzard. it does help.Man do I wish someone had the "cure" for this one.  I have a newly dx'd 9yo DS and a "normal" 7yo DS and we have THE EXACT same thing!!  9yo is so MEAN!!  Constantly correcting, informing him he is WRONG, and going out of his way to rub things in his face. 
7yo does his share of antagonizing, but I would be the same if someone was doing that to me.
I have no siblings so I have no gauge for "normal rivalry" When I ask my friends if their children fight, they say oh yeah, and then they are best friends an hour later, I think are you kidding?  an hour later my 9yo is still fuming and insisting on being right!!!
The thing I worry about is the physical stuff, they haven't been hitting, but they do a good job at pinching.  Both of them have bruises all over their upper arms from being pinched.  As soon as it gets physical, they go to their corners for 15 minutes and I don't care who started it.  If for nothing else then to protect 7yo from 9yo.

I think it has a lot to do with being out of school.  I try to set up play dates and that seems to diffuse the situations.  7yo is always being called for play dates, so getting him out of the house is pretty easy.  When 9yo is alone with me he is a dream, although immediately misses 7yo.  We have 2 more weeks of summer, and I am hoping that being in school will help

I too have a 10 yr ds with Adhd and a 7 yr dd.  All DD wants to do is play with my son and he wants nothing to do with her at all.  He is constantly yelling at her and pushing her around. 

School started here two weeks ago and he yells at her for reading her readers from school.  I am hopeful that things will calm down once they get back into the school schedule.

I would also like to hear how others handle this too.