What "BATTLES" do you pick... | ADHD Information

We have high standards in our house too, or at least that's what I'm told.   I don't think it helps to lower expectations- I feel like that only reinforces the feeling "stupid" that comes up so often in our house.  I do expect him to need more support (like specific verbal directions 1 step at a time) and reminders than my other child but he knows that whatever it is he's doing needs to be done neatly and completely.

All families are different though.  My parents required me to keep my room neat and clean all the time, make my bed every day, put things away immediately when finished, eat all my dinner and too many other things to mention.  I feel like I'm really relaxed because I don't worry about rooms daily during the school year, we have a general after dinner "put your stuff away" time, and making beds. . . how do you do that again? 

One thing that's worked really well around here is assigning chores as a consequence.  We don't have regularly assigned chores for the kids (too hard for me to keep up with) but they are expected to help out with whatever needs doing each day.  For the bigger stuff like lying about homework or throwing major tantrums (these all involve either physical violence or cussing me out) he gets a chore, what ever needs doing most badly at the time.  If he argues about it he gets a second one.

The distinction between arguing and expressing themselves is tough, though.  I generally tell him that if he can come talk about it calmly then I will listen.  I do think it's important for them to learn reasoning skills and be able to use them even if they are angry about something.  He has a lot of trouble doing this and usually ends up screaming and throwing things (which gets him sent to his room) but I do make it a point to praise him for being able to speak calmly about it even if it's just for a few seconds.      
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 I don't want him to grow up always deferring to other's opinions OR to reach teen age and really let the defiance and dangerous behavior kick in. When he yells at me or gets snotty, he gets a chance to "change the way you are talking to me". If he cannot be respectful, there are consequences that relate to the offense. Refusing to do the recycling would result in having to smash aluminum cans. Yelling about having to turn off the TV for supper would mean no more TV that night or the next day. Complete refusal to comply with anything would mean quiet time sitting on his bed (this usually means really, really angry crying!!), no toys, no books. It generally takes less than twenty minutes of quiet alone time for him to calm down enough to see that he did the wrong thing and he complies.

So, that's the battle we pick. It seems to eliminate and/or encompass other battles.

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Good ideas.  Respect goes both ways.  

Wow, I was begining to think I was a complete push over.  I try to reinforce social norms IE:  washing hair, hands, brushing teeth, talking politely to others, personal space.  I also try to be a little more understanding of attitude at home.  Particularly if my child tells me they've had a particularly hard day at school.  I try to make home the "Safe" place to vent, and work on appropriate ways to vent at other times.  I would rather hear that her behavior is appropriate in school or in public and put up w/some attitude at home.  When I have a bad day at work, I can be short tempered at home also, why would I expect more of a child.  And even as lax as I am it seems like there is something everynight that we are dealing with.  I'm happy if it only takes me four times to tell her to do her homework, I could care less what her room looks like.  I just shut the door.  Pick up a towel, I'm just happy to get her into the shower AND hair washed w/out having to tell her "Get back into the shower! No, you did not wash you hair!"  Yes, I have had to accept that my house is NEVER clean, and believe me this was harder than it sounds.

 

This is something I've been working on with myself lately.  Especially with him being so bored after 2 months of summer.  Every issue becomes a huge argument with him screaming and crying.

So I have stopped forcing many issues - such as having him put food wrappers in the garbage - it takes me 2 seconds to throw it out or 20 minutes of forcing him to do it and him screaming and crying - and he isn't learning to do it himself next time.

My 2 current battles are violence - mostly against me when he doesn't get his way (and sometimes others when he is tired/hungry) and whining/screaming when he doesn't get his way (I am encouraging him to use big boy words to tell me why he wants it orhow he feels and he may get a compromise) - this literally happens 50 times a day when he is home with me all day - no matter how silly it is (a tv show isn't on, i cut his sandwich wrong)

I try to ignore a lot of other things just so I don't have to go through extra battles.

The battles I choose to pick are inappropriate behaviors.

I also don't make requests and demands when med has worn off.  I ignore wet towels on his carpet, marking furniture in his room, messes, untidy room, only ensured teeth brushing once a day, quit homework battles when I knew he was capable of doing it himself gr. 6. Ignored minor pushing of my buttons (avoided eye contact and reaction. Ignored argueing and allowed him to have the last word, but he still didnt' get his way. When I said No I meant it. If wasn't up for the battle I said yes. Most of what I did was for my sanity, and also to maintain as positive a relationship with him as possible. Instead of nagging to help clean up, I had everyone have a Sat. morning cleanup before we were able to go on to something fun. It worked pretty well.   When he was younger I wasn't know for the tidiest house. My priority was to be available to my children and spend fun time with them, when that was possible due to his difficult disposition. Did I loose it sometimes yes. Did I try the nagging yup. Been there but finally it wasn't worth it.

 Your home sounds pretty strict to me, since you ask. I never demand that my son follow rules (without reminders) that I, myself, fail at now and then. We remind him again and again of things, but rarely punish for things like talking with your mouth full. I've done that myself when someone asks me a question and I answer quickly!! 

We do push up and sit up races during tv commercials for fun, but using them as a discipline sounds kind of militaristic. 

Our hard and fast rule is respect. That doesn't mean that he can't express himself after I've givien him a direction or job to do. It's HOW he expresses himself that matters. Yelling and screaming, no,no,no. Honest feelings and alternate ideas are always okay, whether I decide to adopt his suggestions or not.  Refusing to listen would only enforce the idea that his thoughts don't matter and he always has to be subjected. I don't want him to grow up always deferring to other's opinions OR to reach teen age and really let the defiance and dangerous behavior kick in. When he yells at me or gets snotty, he gets a chance to "change the way you are talking to me". If he cannot be respectful, there are consequences that relate to the offense. Refusing to do the recycling would result in having to smash aluminum cans. Yelling about having to turn off the TV for supper would mean no more TV that night or the next day. Complete refusal to comply with anything would mean quiet time sitting on his bed (this usually means really, really angry crying!!), no toys, no books. It generally takes less than twenty minutes of quiet alone time for him to calm down enough to see that he did the wrong thing and he complies.

So, that's the battle we pick. It seems to eliminate and/or encompass other battles.

BPQW39693.3122569444

Kids in Space - I understand your position...

I want to set high standards for my children to teach them responsibility and the thrill of success once they reach that goal.  The hard thing is finding what "standard" is appropriate for your ADHD child.

How many reminders do you have to give before he gets the job done???  It can drive you nuts!

Also, I am wondering if I enable my child when for example, he "can't" do this or that and I do it for him, he will then think that he no longer has to try to do this himself, b/c he know I will do it for him.  I try to keep it balanced, maybe I'll help 1,2 or 3 times and then after that when he asks, I'll just say "No, you can do it, just take your time and figure it out, you'll be alright". 

My son is 11 and I feel should be better at the things that we have taught him since a toddler age.  Sometimes I feel that it isn't his ADHD, but an entirely different issue of defiance and disrespect.   My five year old (not ADHD) has no problem with these same exact "rules".  It's so frustrating. 

I am pretty relaxed, yet structured and firm.  I consider my husband to be pretty strict.   Our problem is how we go about parenting an ADHD kid.  They are "different", since my son was a baby in child care, the teacher/instructor/sitter always said when speaking of my son, "you know, Sammy's Sammy".  My husband and I agree on house rules, ect.., but the DIFFERENCE IS HOW WE GO ABOUT IT!  You really have to be creative and have "one up" on ADHD kids.  I have learned you have to have new ideas, tricks, ect... in your back pocket ready to go.  You'll be on a roll and bam, what you've been doing no longer works.

Things we don't budge on:

No elbows on table, chew mouth closed, clean own setting, push chair in, food only at table/bar

No shoes on carpet, vaccum daily (we're loose on this), trash to corner on trash day, empty household trash when asked.  Clean own bedroom/bathroom when asked.

Up at 9:00 AM (summer), brush teeth, hair, bath, pills, contacts daily.

No backtalk.  THIS IS HARD for me, when is it backtalk and when is it a child trying to explain their point of view/explaination.  It's hard for my ADHD son to get what he wants to say out of his mouth.  I let him go further with his words than my husband does.

Also as my ADHD kids has gotten older, time outs and the occassional spanking just don't cut it.  We have resorted to doing 25 push ups or 25 sit ups as a form a discipline.  It benefits the child physically (he's athletic), it's fairly quick, and there's not too many complications with it.

All in all, I'M GLAD THEY KIDS are back to school on Tuesday.  WE NEED TO GET OUR ROUTINE BACK!  They kids are way too squirly!

My son does so much better when back on a routine.  Things were going so smooth last year, we even had him doing some of his own laundry!!! It was a great accomplishment..... now, if I can only get him to chew gum with his mouth shut!!!  Makes no sense does it

THANK YOU ALL, I appreciate your comments.

 

 

 

I have the luxury of living alone with my son (almost 8), in a small condo,
so I can keep him on a pretty short leash. Many people that know us
probably think I am a control freak (teachers in grades ahead of him
always think this, but year by year, boy do they learn!) What do I choose
to let go?

Hygiene. His teeth must be brushed twice a day, but as far as bathing,
soaking counts. He must be in contact with water 15 minutes each day,
but there is rarely any scrubbing or soap. It isn't worth the stress. His dad
has psoriasis and I dread having to deal with that someday.

Interrupting. If it is just the two of us and I can tell it was an impulsive
blurt, I let it go.

Table manners. This wasn't a conscious decision, I just stopped looking at
him much during meals. If I see the infraction I must call him on it, so I
spend a lot of time looking at the aquariums next to the table and behind
his chair. (They help me keep my cool during homework, also.)

Extreme reactions to certain things. He has many ear issues and ear drops
make him hysterical. He screams and tries to hit and bite me. Sometimes
removing bandages or washing a wound out will just freak him out badly,
but it has to be done. I don't see how I can punish him for his reactions.
His ear surgeon gets angry at him sometimes because he thinks he
should be old enough to control himself. My stock answer is "I wish he
could, but he can't, how else can this be done?"


We have two things that are not negotiable:

*hygiene (brush teeth every day, wash hands after bathroom visits and before meals, shower 2-3 times a week - soaking counts, but have to rinse of the bathing water after)
*sitting by the table at meals (until he is finished eating, but no waiting for mum and Dad)
Blebjo39692.4567939815your not a nag i didnt mean to suggest you were.i just know how hard it is living with it everyday.it was just i asked a good friend of mine almost exactly what you posted.i was at my witts end with the endless list of problems i had with my son.and she told me to pick my battles.and i have tried to.some days better than others.for example teeth cleaning.always a struggle every night and morning it was driving me insane.so i told him it was up to him to clean his teeth from now on.he still didnt listen till he had a tooth out last month.now i cant keep him out the bathroom,teeth cleaned morning and night.still cant get him to shower every day and so many other things aswell.god luck.hope i havent offended.

NO NO ABBEY - I DIDN"T TAKE YOUR COMMENT THAT WAY AT ALL, not one bit!  :)

My husband and I always discuss this ?? and I was wondering what other moms/dads let slide and what other moms/dads were sticklers on.

NO OFFENSE TAKEN.  Thanks!

I am always asking people if i'm a nag to my ADHD'er. I KNOW I am. I do try to let some stuff go. Like most of the having to have last word, I let her (unless it's foul language, but thats rare). Letting her "control" the situation, I let her. I am trying hard to say no dont do that when she wants to pull out all her art supplies while I am obviously cooking dinner. At 14 I'd think she should kind of "get this" on hre own. I try to not get frustrated and calmly say, oh maybe we should do that tomorrow. After her shower, she is to hang towels and "pcik up". As long as it looks like she did I just go in and fix up after she's gone. Those kinds of things I let go. Blatant rudeness, mess all over the house, those kinds of things NOT ok. Obviously hitting and pinching her little sister, NOT ok. My daughter is a teen so behaviors are chagning, but you really do have to ignore a LOT. Pick a couple of things at a time to work on if you can.Some outsiders who don't know us think I nag my child but he needs constant supervision. At home we pick 1-2 items to work on at once. Right now it is eating enough and picking his nose. Yes we do pick our battles and you can only do so much at one time. I suggest you pick 1 or 2 behaiviors that are problematic and work on them 1st. Then when mastered move on.I've always decided which battles to choose by sort of ranking them.  Health/safety issues are obviously at the top of the list- as he's gotten older hygiene has been included here.  He's got enough working against him without being the "stinky kid."  After that it's just a matter of how irritating the behavior is, and like Spamula said, pick one or two at a time to focus on. 

Nagging or Reminders?  It's a fine line.  My kids gets upset if I don't remind him about stuff and he gets upset when I do- talk about wanting to bang your head against a wall!   I've settled on 1 reminder and then counting (123 Magic) or consequences.  He gets rewarded for an immediate response. 

I still end up frustrated.  There's plenty of times I just want to scream "why can't you just do it when I ask you!"  I haven't smoked in over a decade but there are days when I still think I could really use a cigarette break.  

All I can recommend it to try out a yoga class.  I've found it's the best thing to keep the stress levels down and have a little time to yourself, which makes all the difference when it comes to being patient and calm. 

Hang in there.

This is a great question.  I struggle with striking a balance between having high standards for my children and being realistic and choosing a set of rules that my kids can be successfully obey. 

One thing that is for sure, when I do decide to make a rule /pick a battle- I have to be absolutley DILIGENT about enforcing it. 

My main rules:

No hitting, no back-talk, respect each other's property, homework RIGHT after school, do chores when asked without attitude.  No computer, video games, or friends on weeknights if any grades slip below a high C.   

These are for my tweens- the 5 year old it is really basic- respectful behavior...

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Wanna know the flipside to your question- what battles DON't I pick.  I have to remind myself NOT to compare myself to other parents or compare my kids to their peers when it comes to these things.

TABLE MANNERS: I am pretty slack on this, I will remind them about polite chewing, elbows on the table, asking to be excused... but I won't punish them.  Just not a priority to me right now.

Language: I have loosened my policy and I will allow my older kids (11&12) to say "crap" or "sucks" as long as it is not around the 5 year old or around other adults.  Not allowed for the 5 year old.  Lots of parents won't tolerate this at all. 

 

Am I demanding too much with my son?

Am I a nag?

Which battles do you "pick" or "let go" and why?