help needed | ADHD Information

thanks for the info on that!

i should apologise for taking things the wrong way.  I am just extremely stressed out.  i am sure all of you can relate.

a huge thank you goes out to everyone that has taken the time to read my post and also to those who responded. 

 

thank you to all that have responded so far. 

please do not get me wrong in the fact of me saying he is not my child.  their mother lives very far away and i do treat all the children as my own.  as far as the apology thing.  i have flat out asked for an apology and he just stood there and looked at me.  all this is making me extremely depressed.  i myself have panic disorder and have been med free for over 8 years.  here in the past week my panic attacks are comming back.  i am just so confused as what to do. 

If it makes you feel better, my anxiety and panic attacks are back as well. I
just started back on my Lexapro (silly me though I didn't need it anymore). I
also have occasionally been using Xanax for the anxiety/panic attack. They
are not fun and I know how bad they can be. I am starting to see my
therapist again which has helped. Anyhow, I just thought you might feel
better knowing that there are others out there that are going thru similar
circumstances. My non ADHD kids are acting up lately and I have to deal
with that as well. Hang in there and I will pray that all will be better for you
and your family

hello,

sounds like you are under a lot of stress.  Step parenting is not easy.  I step parented when i was pregnant with my son (9 years ago) and it was very challenging.  i would suggest you do some reading about step parenting.  The behaviors your boyfriend's son is exhibiting are classic for the new "step parent /step child relationship.  Especially if he has other issues like ADHD to compound the matter. 

I've reciently moved back in with my parents for awhile until my husband returns from overseas.  I could not handle my son alone (he is 9 with ADHD and ODD) and am 4 months pregnant.  My mother has general anxiety disorder and has been med free for years herself. But since we moved in she has had to go back on her anxiety meds.  It is stressful living with a child with ADHD.  Don't feel in anyway you are making any set back by starting up some meds to help you to cope.  It is completely understandable.  And especially if you are a stay at home mom with twin boys of your own. 

I would suggest that you and your boyfriend take control of the DS after a certain hour of the day to avoid the sneaking around.  If he can't be trusted then simply illiminate the temptatation. 

I used to be strongly against medications for ADHD until my son failed two grades and I tried to home school him.  I did not realize how hard it was for him to do school work.  he is now on meds and they work quite well. Maybe it is time to try meds again.  Perhaps he would do better now. 

Best wishes and don't give up... It will get better. One day at a time. 

I'd agree that the first place to start would be a solid diagnosis.  If your boyfriend can afford it, a neuropsych evaluation is very thorough.  From there your boyfriend can work with the doc to determine a treatment plan.

It sounds like the boy needs some extra assistance in school.  If he is consistently turning in incomplete tests then it would be perfectly reasonable to expect the teacher to check it when he hands it to her and return it to him if he has not finished.  If he does have adhd, he would benefit from meds (there are many many types and doses- it can take a while to find the right one) and a 504 plan that could give him accomodations like taking his tests in a seperate quiet area, help with organization and reminders as needed (over and above what the other kids get).

As for homework- I am so with you on kids needing to take more responsibility for their own work.  However, my experience with my adhd 10yr. old has been that he needs help.  Kids with adhd are often unable to start a task because their brain cannot organize the steps involved.  He knows the steps, he knows how to do it, it's written down in front of him but when he goes to start his mind draws a complete blank- it's very frustrating for all parties involved.  I'd suggest having him do his homework somewhere close to where you are, then you can easily give him prompts to get started and reminders when he gets distracted.  He'll also need you to remind him to put his name on the paper and put it back in his folder.

Keep in mind that it really does take baby steps to get them to where they are able to function independently.  I have spent many hours despairing that my child would ever do anything on his own- I still do- but there are things, like bathing and putting away his clean laundry, that he's finally figured out how to do with only reminders.

You might also consider a behavior mod. plan like the marble system at the top of this board.  Make sure to praise him for doing even a small aspect of the job right, like if he takes out the right papers and supplies to do his homework you could say "hey, great, you already started your homework by getting what you need." Then try to let go of the fact that he's not able to figure out what to do after that and point him in the right direction.

Also keep in mind that if you know he's done something wrong, like with the DS, try not to set him up to lie to you.  You knew he was playing it, so instead of asking you could just tell him that you know that and give him the consequence,  That way you don't even give him the opportunity to lie about it.

I don't really have any advise about getting kids to apologize- I can't get mine to either.   I think it has to do with being embarrassed about it though so I try not to get too upset, but I do remind him that he needs to apologize.  Try to keep in mind that kids with adhd also often have trouble reading social cues and body language so they don't always respond appropriately in social situations or when they get in trouble.  Just try not to take it personally.

This is one luckly little boy to have you in his life- not everyone would take the time to try to figure out how to help their boyfriend's kid.

Hi, sorry if I seemed a bit accusing. Its just that ADHD can be such a lonely thing. Even when you try you fail (plus my ADD doesn't give me the best scocial skills).

I appreciate he is not your child but he must look to you for guidance if you are the 'mom' in the house.

I truely hope you manage to get some positive results.

Lisax

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

Definition

Even the best-behaved children can be difficult and challenging at times. Teens are often moody and argumentative. But if your child or teen has a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and angry or disruptive behaviors toward you and other authority figures, he or she may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). As many as one in 10 children may have oppositional defiant disorder in a lifetime.

Treatment of oppositional defiant disorder involves therapy and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions. As a parent, you don't have to go it alone in trying to manage a child with oppositional defiant disorder. Doctors, counselors and child development experts can help you learn specific strategies to address oppositional defiant disorder.

from: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disord er/DS00630

I don't think anyone is accusing you of being a child.   People here are very kind and mean well.  I hope this helps answer your question about ODD. 

 

Hi, and welcome. It sounds like you are a wonderful role model for this child. It can be very hard to "raise" an ADHD child that is your, but I can only imagine how hard it is to raise a child with this disorder that is not even your child. So I applaude you and all your efforts. If you dont mind me asking what type of medicines has the 8 year old been on. I ask only because there are so many different ones. I hope that you guys find the right answers for your family because while I understand you 100% percent, dealing with my boys, I also understand the child as well. So good luck and please keep us informed. lethy proud mom39700.8500347222

He needs a proper diagnosis.

Jessica N39908.4080208333[QUOTE=Jessica N]

He needs a proper diagnosis. He needs to see a child psychologist who specializes in medication management. (It takes a while to find the correct medication. He'll have to try few.) Forget the punishment, that's not going to work. Think of him as someone with a mental disability. He really cannot control many of these things. An adult needs to get him some help.

[/QUOTE]

and this is what i am doing.  i am not a child.

the "therapy" appts that we go to are set up like this.  the first appt that we went too it was me, his dad and him.  we basically did all the financial stuff then.  we also took a 115 Q&A on a computer.  the next appt we went to was just me and the child.  we sat and both of us answered some questions for an hour.  the next two appts were him alone with the therapist.  that leads up to the next appt that we have on monday.  i plan on sitting in on this one and bringing the note sent home from the teacher and the STI report with his grades on it. 

i sat down with my b/f lastnight and discussed him getting on meds again.  he said that is fine if they suggest that but he is sure it will not work.  i explained to him how long it can take for the right meds and does to be found.  he stated that in the past he took the meds for 2 years with no results.  i don't think that it was a consistant two years.  the story behind that is it works for a little while then stops.  i can find no medical records in the "important paper box".  all i find is a eval from the school that he attends now. 

the only meds that i know of that he was on is Strattera (think i might have spelled that wrong)

one question i have is.  What is ODD?

they have not offically come out and said he has ADHD.  i asked the therapist what she thought it could be and that is what she said it was looking like to her.  the way it works is this "main therapist" that we are seeing is the one that does the major eval and sends us to the right group.  they have groups for different disorders.  they have private sessions, group sessions, activity sessions, and parent sessions.  i have been pleased with them this far.  all of this unusually bad behavior has started up since the last appt.

I would suggest that you do proceed with therapy for you and your son.
Therapy has helped me immensely in dealing with the stress of having a
child with ADHD. You need to take care of yourself. Was your son
properly diagnosed and tested for ADHD? I would suggest that you see a
child psych. that has experience with ADHD, etc. You need to find out
what is going on here. Therapy might also bring out any issues he may
have and has not discussed. Medication would really help him if he has
ADHD. You just need to find the right one and the right dosage. In the
meantime, you might want to look into "Transforming the difficult child"
by Howard Glasser (I believe this is the author). He has a "nurtured heart
approch" to discipline.   It explains how ADHD and other highly intense
children need a different discipline approach than the "average" child. It
is an approach that is not about threats or yelling.   I, myself, am going to
re-read the approach for my ds who is 8 yr. old.

If appropriate, you might want to see what type of evaluation you can get
from your school. They can see if there are any signs of a learning
disability, or what areas he is having trouble with. Someone else on this
board might have more experience with this. See if your son qualifies for
tutoring or other types of assistance.

Hang in there, you just need to figure out what is going on.hi just wanted to say I am a mum with add, my
husband has ADHD. We were both in constant
trouble as kids for things like this. Being
forgetful is part of ADHD. It is like a blind kid
not seeing, you wouldn't punish that would you.
Big punishments will make him deceitful, like
playing the ds in bed.
Please don't compare him to his brother. Help
him with tick charts to check off homework. Ask
the school to email his homework, reward all
acheivements and praise him as much as
possible.
He will not think things through, ADHD kids are
impulsive, it can not be helped.
I think you need to read up a bit, it is special
needs and very hard work but it will be worth it
when you have a happy confident boy.
Take care x

first of all i need to clear up a few things.  he is not my son.  i treat him like he is but he has a mother and i am in no way trying to replace her.  it seems to me that he is treating me with disrespect on purpose.  he is saying thank you to others that have not even done what he is thanking them for.  i am the one that has done it and he knows it.  i never compare any of them to any of the other children.  i do reward all of the children when good jobs have been done and am always big on prais when it is seen fit. 

Hi.  This is my first post on this site.  I have reached my breaking point and i am not sure where to turn.  any advice is greatly appreciated.  this is very long and i am leaving out some details.

Let me start out by telling everyone a little bit about my situation.  almost 8 months ago my 4 1/2 year old twin boys and I made a huge move and moved in with my boyfriend.  i am a divorced mom.  He, being the boyfriend, has two kids.  ages 8 and 10 which he has full custody of.  the boys very rarely see their mom, who lives many states away.  she calls from time to time but it is never on a regular basis.  i do not work so that i can stay home and keep the house up and care for the children.

at first everything was going real well.  we were told by the 8 y/o's teacher that he was going to fail the 3rd grade.  well, by the end of the year i had him where he was doing much better and he ended up passing.  he, being the 8 year old, has always been kind of disrespectful, much more than any of the other kids.  i noticed that he has a very hard time concentrating on his school work, is very loud, and is real active.  his dad had told me he had issues.  that he had been on several meds in the past and none of them worked.  at school he was always having bad days.  it did start getting better at one point where he went a full month without getting one bad report.  when he did that i told his dad he needed to be rewarded.  we took him to the store and let him pick out a prize.

the school year came to an end.  both kids passed.  the older of the two made the A/B honnerole.  the younger had acceptable grades for someone who was told they were not going to pass the 3rd grade.  when the school year was comming to an end I took all the info that the school had sent home about summer day camp and told the two that they could pick whatever reasonable camp they wanted to go to.  the younger two picked a camp that sounded very fun.  camp started and the first day he said their were no problems at all when i picked him up.  so, i did not get out of the car and talk to the teacher.  the second day i got a call from the camp director requesting me to come up there right away and have a meeting with the teacher assigned to his room and the director.  apparently he had gotten in a lot of trouble both days for not following directions and putting himself in danger at a field trip.  i had explained to him before he started the camp that it was not "school".  it was a fun thing and a reward for him doing the best he could to pass the 3rd grade.  he picked the camp so he should have liked it. 

let me add this in here.  we have started taking him to this program for counseling where they told us he more than likely has ADHD.  which the father knew already but everytime he had ever taken him in all he ever got was handed a bottle of pills and pushed out the door.  this program has therapy also.  he is suppost to go every week but he can not go that often due to the busy scheduld of the program.

anyway, down to why i am at my breaking point.  whenever he has a bad day at school or forgets some of his homework he gets put on restriction.  which means no T.V or video games for that day.  he get gets sent home a homework folder on mondays and it is due on fridays with all the homework completed in the folder.  i am constantly having to take the assignment paper and tell him what he has to do because he has no clue what to do.  i did this for the first two weeks and explained to him that he is now older and needs to learn some responsiblity so i was only going to tell him what to do every day for two weeks then he was on his own.  he still had to show me the assignments were complete for the day but most of the work was up to him.  two weeks went by and i was constantly finding homework assignments on the floor in his room with no name or assignment heading on them.  also a constant reminder that i gave him.  their was also a question every week of where his study guides were.  he always told me that he was not given one.  after the third week of this i decided to take matters into my own hands and email the teacher about the study guide.  the next day his older brother comes home from school with a note for me from the teacher.  it was a two page note explaining how at first he was good.  then it started going down hill bad.  she wanted me to send a note back saying i had recieved that letter or schedule a confrence with her.  his dad was off work the next day so i called the school and set it up for when he could go.  when the child got home from school his dad told him he was grounded of everything until further notice.  when we sat down with the teacher she told us about some of his behavior.  i am not going into great detail on this.  this post is already going to be long enough.  his grades were unbelievely horrible.  i asked to see some of the tests that he had taken.  on some of them he did like 4 or 5 questions then just turned it in.  some were done totally wrong.  one assignment was a test then they got to do a physical map out of molding clay.  the kids in the class were told they could not start on the "fun part" until the test was done and turned in.  he took his test and did one question then put it in his desk and started doing the clay part.  he recieved a zero on that test.  when i say his grades are bad i mean they are real bad.  ex:  he has a 6 average in one subject, like a 20 in one and the rest are not much better than that.

it gets worse.  the other day when his dad and i were in the car he told me that the child use to wait until the dad went to bed and go get the DS (like a game boy) and play it until all hours of the night.  well, the other night i had noticed that he had been asking to go to bed extra early and was getting up maybe an hour later asking for a drink.  i happened to be in the kitchen one night and he came in there.  he had been in bed for over and hour.  i notice that he looked like he had not been asleep at all.  i went into his room and pulled back the covers, he was still in the kitchen, and there i found the DS.  i took it without him knowing and came into our room and told his dad.  his dad wanted to go right then and confront him.  i told him to wait and to let me do it in the morning.  so the next morning i get up.  the boys are up already, my kids are at their fathers house, and i called both boys into the living room and i asked them where the DS was.  the youngest immediately said "it is in my room let me go get it".  he came back and said he did not know where it was.  so i said to both of them that i had it in my room and that i had found it in his bed the night before.  i asked him if he had been playing it.  now he usually wants to sleep with his door open.  the past few night i had noticed that he has gone and closed his door and had also been spending a lot of time in his room with the door shut.  he answered me and said he had not been playing it.  these were his exact words.  "i PROMISE i was not playing it at all".  so i said okay.  i told his dad what he had said.  neither of us believed him.  so dad went and confronted him.  he then confessed that he had been playing the game every night and every morning for the past few days.  i was hurt.  i was hurt so bad that he had lied to me like that.  it would have been one thing to just have said he had not been playing it to me but he said he promised he had not been doing it.  the day goes on and the child acts like he had nothing to me.  no apology or anything.  in the past he has always been very concerned if i was mad at him or not.  at first i told the dad that i was no longer packing his lunch for school.  that i would go get money for him to buy his lunch at school, that is what they did last year but they both choose to take a lunch this year so i was packing it for them.  i then decided later on that day that was a silly thing to do, to act like he was acting towards me.  i just knew he would eventually apologise to me.  it comes time for bed and the child comes to tell us goodnight.  i spoke up and said how bad my feelings were hurt by his actions towards me and he just stood there and looked at me.  i then said an apology would be nice.  still nothing.  keep in mind that i am the one around the house that does everything.  cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes....all of it.  i tell his kids that i care about them.  i do!  i live them dearly.  lastnight at dinner i got plates ready for the kids.  i asked their dad if he would give the kids their plates one by one while i got the others ready.  he gave the youngest of his two his plate and he said "thank you dad".  now normally it would have been a thank you to both of us.  his dad immediately spoke up and said that i had cooked dinner, like usual.  still no thank you.  the older of the two said thank you to both of us and so did my children.  i have expressed to the child that i am hurt real bad by his actions to me.  he acts like he does not care.  5 mins after i tell him that he is trying to show me something or joke around with me. 

i plan on going to his therapy appt, like i always do, next time.  but this time i am going to tell the therapist that i want to sit in and talk with the both of them how i am feeling.  i don't know what to do right now though.  any advice would be greatly appreciated.  i have come to the point where i have totally stopped doing all the little extra stuff i normally do for him.  am i doing the right thing?  i have told his father that i am very concerned that the child has a bad problem respecting women and that i do not want to see him grow up like that. 

PLEASE HELP!