I am at the point in dealing with my 7yr old stepson that I think that I am going to go CRAZY!!!
I have been the only mother that this child has ever known. His mom is a drug addict/alcoholic. She comes around about 3-4 times a year. He has ADHD,he had been taking Adderall XR for the past two years and we recently switched to Vyvanse, as well as it has been suggested, fetal alcohol syndrome. The older he gets the more anger he has toward me. I was the one that came into his life @ 4 and created boundaries and rules, as well as the one that went to all of the school functions and got him involved in sports. I was also the one that got him into counseling and to a specialist regarding his ADHD and behavior issues. Now I've been feeling like I can't deal with this anymore, things seem to be getting worse, rather than better the older he gets. I have a four year old as well, and I feel guilty saying this but, I didn't sign up for this, and I sometimes get resentful that I get the "bad" end of the stick!! I want nothing more than for this child to succeed, but it is putting such a strain on our house I don't know how to deal with it anymore. He is getting really bad with lying and sneaking. I keep catching him trying to throw homework away between the bus stop and our house!! Any advice would be greatly welcomed!!
is he still going to counseling. Maybe he's angry at his biological mom, school friends it could be a number of things but since you've been there majority of his life it's you he's taking it out on. even though It's not Fair that he's doing that my son does the same thing..I was reading on different sites about Anger can come from Hearing or LD and they thinking that they aren't understood and if he's throwing his homework away between the bus and home there might be a problem there maybe his teacher is giving him to much or maybe he doesn't like his teacher.
Are the meds working right in your opinion? If he did better on the Adderall why not switch back. He's acting out for a reason. Maybe school is just TOO hard. How are his grades? Does he have any co-existing learning disabilites? How are things for him socially? 9-12 is REALLY hard, IMO. tweens struggels socailly and the schoolwork shifts. They now read to learn and if kids are not SOLID readers it is VERY difficult to keep up. You know, kids will take their frustration out on who they trust most. I know that doesn't help you feel any better. While you're living this you just want to pull out your hair.Where does your hubby stand in all of this? Are you getting support?
Thanks for the responses. I had heard very good things about Vyvanse that is why we switched, hoping for the 12 hr effect vs.the shorter control with the Addreall, but we will see he's only been on it for 4-5 days. He technically does not have a learning disibility, however it had been suggested that he has fetal alcohol syndrome, which the syptoms run parrallel with ADHD, but can't be treated. The ironic part of school, and what I don't understand is that his teacher this year is giving him less "busy" work and homework b/c she too has a child with ADHD and she told me that as long as he is getting it she wasn't going to send more work for him to do.Thats nice that the Teacher gets where you and your stepson is coming from Its always good to have a Teacher on your side. Just out of curiousity Did his doctor tell you anything about the syndrome I was wondering because I have a website that I'm scared to go on to learn about it not because my kids have it but myself.
I can relate to all the frustration you are going through. It is very very difficult at times. I too am stepmom to an 11 year boy who is currently on the wait list to be asessed for Fetal Alchohol Spectrum Disorder and has all the related ADHD and behavioral issues that go with it. He also does have a confirmed learning disability...mainly his executive functioning is affected. His Mom did drink and heavily at times when she was pregnant with him so although he has none of the physical characterics of FAS he has many of the typical behavioral problems.
Yes it can drive you crazy! Kids like this often do not remember the rules and do not relate consequences to their behavior at all. The damage to their brain just won't let them. You can tell them over and over again what the rules of the house are but they have a difficut time remembering. Each day is like a new day to them! Can't tell you how many times I've told my stepson not to stick his mouth under the kitchen tap to get a drink of water...use a glass! I've explain that we don't do this in our house..explained about spreading germs etc..he still does it and always says he forgot! Just an example but there are many other things. The worst of which is his spitting on the floor in the house...he seems to have no control over this..we are now thinking it may be a tic or OCD issue.
We have tried Concerta but he developed tics on it...so we are currently on no meds at the moment and waiting to get in to see the pediatrician to see what we can try next.
I've found this board to be immensly helpful....I've been "lurking " here for a long time and found so much info and it's really a great way to learn from others experiences. Other advice would be even though it's hard to do at times is to remember all the good things about your stepson and the things he can do...mine has a great sense of humour and can kick my butt at video games!
Also remembering he's not the problem...he HAS a problem... that might help too. Good luck and hang in there...I know it's a tough one!
Thanks again to everyone for the info, ect. First, and foremost I must clarify, my husband is being very supportive,not so much pro-active, but active nonetheless. Two years ago when we started on the ADHD journey, he was skeptical of treating him, however, as time has continued and we've seen the changes, both good and bad, he is much more involved. It has taken me four years to get him to see and agree with counseling. So, the counseling was just started because of one issue that recently happened. We have talked about going to counseling as a family, as well as our new pediatrician whom specializes in ADHD offers a 10 week parenting class that starts next month. We are both very excited about learning new positive things in dealing with our child. As for FAS, we have no support with dealing with it, although we know that the symptoms run parallel with ADHD we have been dealing with what we know first, so any info with that is GREATLY appreciated!! drowningmom39705.4380324074I don't have advice, but I do very much empathize. I too am raising an ADHD stepchild, and she's been giving us absolute HELL lately. It's so hard, especially when people don't understand and are judgemental.My question is the same as Wyatt's Mom. Where is the child's father in all this? In order to successfully raise a child with these issues....... you need to have a united front with the child's bio parent who is in his life daily. And if your husband is not willing to unite with you and consistently apply the boundaries, discipline, and help out with medical appointments, medication decisions, school issues, etc....... then that's a whole OTHER issue... a marriage issue. You mention the child being in counseling, but it might be more helpful for your husband and you to go into counseling simply to be trained on how to deal with and better respond to the child's issues and behaviors. I know for my husband and I, none of this came natural......... we had to have outside help and training, which was totally separate from my son's ongoing counseling. If you haven't read Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" purchase it and read it, or you may can check it out from your local library. It will help you understand just how different an approach you have to take in parenting these type kids!
It does sound like FAS. I've taught a few FAS students now for a few years, some classicly identified, others that don't have the physical characteristics, but the behavioral ones.
If you are dealing with FAS, and it appears that is a very strong possibility, I hope you get proper support. I'd like to know the site you are getting FAS info/support from, as I'm currently teaching another FAS student and am always on the look out for good resources.
From what I've learned about FAS, they literally do not even have enough of the grey matter in the fore-front of the brain that controls impulse behavior. So they literally, cannot control their reactions, because they didn't get enough of that area of the brain developed in utero.
In class, we follow the basic recommendations with FAS:
1) reduce stimulation in their environment
2) reduce workload
3) structure their play so they don't get frustrated or overstimulated
With FAS, it's like you're always having to look "down the road" ahead of them, to foresee possible triggers. Clear expectations are crucial with FAS, but they have to be black and white. Follow up is crucial as well, though I'm sure you already know that since you live with it! :-)
If you'd like, I'd be glad to bounce ideas back/forth with you. Let us know what you've done at home, what your issues at home are, etc, what things you've tried. And I'll see if I have anything to offer suggestion wise.
I don't live with FAS, but I do work with it.
:-)