6 year Old with “no remorse”
(Sorry this is so long. We had a really bad day)
We are in our 3rd week of school and the teacher and guidance counselor has yet to return any of my phone calls to discuses my child’s behavior at school. Everyday my husband picks him up and gets told he had a bad day or that she is worried that he shows no remorse for anything. Today the teacher said that my son aggressively pushed a child than after his time out he got up and did 2 more times.
So I have two issues. The first one is more of me being really frustrated. The lack of response from the school when I call is starting to really get under my skin. How can I work on his behavior if I can get anyone at school to call me back? 
Due to the overall bad behavior at school he has to earn every privilege (TV, teats, etc.) We started the using the marble system this weekend and he had his first good day at school. (He only had one problem and that he was pretending to shot other kids during recess. He likes to play Star Wars and Cops). Today however was not a good day. The teacher briefly told my husband about the lack of remorse he had when pushing the other kids and said that he is having behavior problems in all his classes and further action is being considered. (No details on what that meant)
I don’t think my son is totally with out remorse because he feed the dog toothpaste this weekend and when we told him what he did could have really hurt the puppy, he got very sad and upset that the puppy was going to be sick. At home he is showing improvement. He is learning to follow the house rules and ask before he goes into the kitchen. (We had a big problem with the kids helping themselves to what ever they wanted, including the sugar bowl) He even is working on doing his chores without throwing a fit. We have had some really good days with him, but for some reason he can’t take that good behavior to school. Every time we think we are seeing a positive change something like today happens.
So does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with the school and has anyone ever had the issue of a lack of remorse in their child?
I don't know if your son is on meds or not, but mine is not, and especially in the first grade he had a horrible time. (This year it's 100% improved - you'll get through it!)
I have him in special ed, and we came up with a series of goals for him. That was a big change - he didn't respond to punative discipline at all. In fact, he would do something on purpose so he'd be sent to the Principal's office, because it was less stimulating and overwealming for him to be in a small office with only one other person.
Does he have motor breaks? Get them for him!
The key finally was finding someone at the school who was sympathetic of my son's ADHD. Once I had someone at the school on "our side," we were able to move forward and come up with a plan for him at school. And it's working!
Other than that, all I can suggest is keeping a close eye on him, and giving him the words to know what is happening when he has an "ADHD moment." If he doesn't understand what's happening, he won't be able to make a better choice.
Good luck!
My child was in a similar situation before he started meds. He was getting in trouble throughout the school day. Teachers were concerned that he wasn't displaying remorse, but the therapist wasn't concerned. As she said, when people are criticizing you all day, you get used to it. It's like desensitization. I agree w/ this. I never liked hearing about the pushing, shoving, etc. but it was kinda "here we go again" and didn't blow me away.
The therapist also said that kids who get in trouble a lot can be very good at saving face. Things might bother him more than he lets on, so maybe he's just not showing remorse, but he actually regrets pushing the other child.
One more possibility. When my child is in a hyperactive, impulsive whirlwind, he doesn't really know what he's doing. He used to shove, trip, hit, and do other things in a blur of action.
Your 6 year old sounds EXACTLY like my 6 year old. Last year in Kindergarten, I was called to the school alteast once a week to have a meeting with the principal, and the principal would give me a lecture about how "All the other kids that come into this office after hitting/shooting/touching something or someone cry, they feel bad about what they did.. your DS.. nothing. He just sits there, he doesn't care that he did something wrong. His lack of remorse astounds me and he's going to turn into a criminal."Of course, we deal with the same thing at home. If he takes something from his little brother, or hits him, or breaks something, it seems like he doesn't care. I know he does care, because he'll show it in a different way than most people.
I went around the principal, and had my son's mental health worker come to the school. She sat down with the teacher, principal, guidance councellor, and gave them a little ADHD education.
It's not that he doesn't feel remorse for the things that he does, it's just that sometimes he doesn't even know why he did it in the first place, and the times that he does know why, to him, it's a perfectly good reason, and he doesn't feel that he 'should' be sorry for what he did.
It will become easier in time... just don't get down on him or yourself, because there's really nothing that you can do about it besides remind him that there are places and times for certain play (No shooting games at school) and keep reminding him over and over. It's not that he's not listening.. it's just that he needs to be reminded.
The teacher it taking the behavior personally to lable it "Lack of remorse." Perhaps the teacher and the school need some education on ADHD. ADHD children often have no insight into how their behavior affects others. They do not do this to be mean. It does not mean they do not care, or that they have no remorse for their actions. My daughter is very much the same way and when people take the time to explain a behavior is inappropriate, they behavior usually improves. She works with a Social Worker regulary on 'empathy.' These kids are also targeted by others who know they can push buttons to get a response. I would also be asking what was going on before your son pushed the other child. We also went thru a period when my dtr didn't even try to behave because no matter what happened she was the child punished.
I am not excussing the behavior. I am just saying that instead of expecting you alone to solve the problem, they need to work with you to try to come up with ways to address the problems effectively at school. This is the guidance counsilors job and I agree, if you do not have an IEP in place, you need to get one. Do not just verbally make this request. Put it in writing, make copies and personally hand it to the guidance coucelor and the pricipal, and keep one for yourself. Smile, be nice, do not let them make you the "difficult parent." Keep records of everything and make them put everything in writing.
The "no remorse" thing is totally subjective.
attention issues, but they want to turn his social challenges into big moral
issues too. When they tell me about an incident where they felt he showed
no guilt or remorse, I ask them to visualize it again with him two years
younger; how would they interpret it then? (He is almost 8, I have been
hearing this for three years) I tell them that he had developmental problems
and appeared autistic in kindergarten. He is catching up socially, but they
have to be understanding and patient. I ask what the consequence would be
for a younger child, and then they usually see that that consequence would
be the most appropriate for him. I tell them that I dearly wish that he could
"act his age", but it just isn't possible right now.
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