IT’s ME that needs support... | ADHD Information
ilovemyboys,
It's a looooong story how I got to an Occupational Therapist and learned about SPD. But I got to her office, very skeptical about what she could really do for him. Her office looked like a Gymboree or My Gym, full of mats, swings, beanbag chairs, balls, etc.
At one point, she sat ds on a swing that looked like a hammock, but it was suspended from one single hook attached to the ceiling. She then proceeded to spin ds about 30 times, and got him off the swing. OMG! He was not dizzy, and he walked a straight line. She then told me "See? his brain doesn't register movement". She then proceeded to sit him again and spin him in the opposite direction. Nothing. She then had him lie down on the swing, snugged by the net. He was suspended in a horizontal position. She then started swinging him in ALL directions. He didn't feel a thing, until after 5-6 mins., which is A LOT. My husband's jaw was on the floor!
It all immediately made sense: brain craves stimulation (crashing, spinning, touching, yelling, etc.) b/c it's not getting information about body position.
Anyway, she then showed me how in the rest of us, after spinning a few times and stopping suddenly, our eyes keep moving in circular motion. That is due to the liquid in the internal ear still moving and stimulating the internal ear canals. This movement of the eye is called nystagmus or "oculo vestibular reflex". My son's nystagmus was 100% absent.
After a few months in a "vestibular training therapy", he gets dizzy like any normal person after being spun in an office chair, and his nystagmus is back. Hyperactivity is basically gone, though we still face postural and poor organization issues.
Wow-I'm calling to doc tomorrow!This was absolutely amazing to me!! See, ds has bedwetting issues and it's an internal ear thing-that's what our doctor is saying. We got him the Roger wireless system and he is now on his 14th day dry! Yay!!
Anyway, my point...if he has this type of inner ear 'issue' why would he not have (maybe) some of the same issues as your ds??? That is so fantastically interesting. Thank you for sharing and I will definitely be looking in to this.
[QUOTE=jpmomagain]
ilovemyboys,
It's a looooong story how I got to an Occupational Therapist and learned about SPD. But I got to her office, very skeptical about what she could really do for him. Her office looked like a Gymboree or My Gym, full of mats, swings, beanbag chairs, balls, etc.
At one point, she sat ds on a swing that looked like a hammock, but it was suspended from one single hook attached to the ceiling. She then proceeded to spin ds about 30 times, and got him off the swing. OMG! He was not dizzy, and he walked a straight line. She then told me "See? his brain doesn't register movement". She then proceeded to sit him again and spin him in the opposite direction. Nothing. She then had him lie down on the swing, snugged by the net. He was suspended in a horizontal position. She then started swinging him in ALL directions. He didn't feel a thing, until after 5-6 mins., which is A LOT. My husband's jaw was on the floor!
It all immediately made sense: brain craves stimulation (crashing, spinning, touching, yelling, etc.) b/c it's not getting information about body position.
Anyway, she then showed me how in the rest of us, after spinning a few times and stopping suddenly, our eyes keep moving in circular motion. That is due to the liquid in the internal ear still moving and stimulating the internal ear canals. This movement of the eye is called nystagmus or "oculo vestibular reflex". My son's nystagmus was 100% absent.
After a few months in a "vestibular training therapy", he gets dizzy like any normal person after being spun in an office chair, and his nystagmus is back. Hyperactivity is basically gone, though we still face postural and poor organization issues.
[/QUOTE]Even though my ds doesn't have bed wetting, I know for a fact that many bedwetting and even potty training issues get resolved with some of the -several available- therapies for the inner ear. Some of the ones I have tried on ds:
- "sensory diet" by far, the best thing we've done, including twice weekly visits to the OT's office for intensive sessions.
-Therapeutic Listening, works very nicely to address emotional lability, focus, organization
-Integrated Listening Systems or "iLs", very good complement to the sensory diet.
iLs and Therapeutic Listening and competitor listening therapies, and they have several differences. Still, I think I like TL better.
- INPP exercises from the UK Institute of Neuropsychology and Physiology. Did it for only a few weeks, as a trial. Didn't like it much. We went back to our "sensory diet" + TL.
I haven't been to the sight for a few months but this one really hits home.
My husband can not relate to my son (7) behavior and thinks I am "coddling" him. I think he is way way too tough and he thinks I am too soft. THUS I try to keep my son from not acting up or doing anything to upset hubbyand I am so stressed when he is not home I yell way too much.
I feel I try to pick my battles and some ways it is WW3 in this house, how can one little child upset an entire household?
HI and HANG IN THERE! We all know it gets better! I know your son is off meds now and I am willing to guess that when he goes back on the both of you will be much happier.
If possible- get some time for yourself. Get a babysitter for an afternoon or evening and go out to eat or just walk around. Or, just take a walk with your son in the afternoon. Jon and I have had our best talks when we were walking together. Of course, he always ran ahead and then ran back and then ran ahead and then ran back etc etc. But, it was fun to get out of the house and change our routine a bit.
I am at a lull with Jon now. By the time I am climbing the walls you will be OK. Doesn't it always work this way? Just have to be thankful we have children. There are many many people that would give anything to have a child. We are blessed.
Randy
I think most of us go through this daily as well. The struggles we have can't be described or understood by an "outsider". I always feel like I'm neglecting my other child because I'm trying to keep a step ahead of my ADHD'er. That brings guilt. I neglect myself of any time to myself and feel depresssed. I do allow a haircut and color every 6 weeks to keep up appearances! I'm always screaming and yelling. I dread the school bus at 2:20 when the homework battle begins. I'm on a treadmill, going nowhere and I want to get off! Thanks for letting me vent!
cha-cha's mom
Hi llovemyboys,
I don't know if it'll help, but this is what's helped me:
I did go to psych counseling for a while, just to vent and understand my feelings.
I approached my son's problems, and in his case, found that he has sensory processing disorder. Forget about labels (ADHD, SPD, ODD, etc.). The connection between his internal ear (vestibular system) and his brain was not there, and thus, he would exhibit all these symptoms. We've been treating for a long time with Occupational Therapy, and he's gotten better. That made MY life much better, too. I learned that no matter how good a mother you are, how patient you are, if you don't find what the root of the problem is, the problems will just keep repeating day in, day out. I was lucky to find where his main problem resides (internal ear), and as he has strengthened this neuronal pathway with lots of therapies, his behaviour turned around gradually, and in a matter of 6 months or so, life is soooooo much better.
Everything isn't perfect every day. I still do therapy at home 3 times a day for ds, so I start my day with an hour of prayer every day, Monday to Friday. That "alone time" with myself and God has kept me from hitting, yelling, etc. I don't know if it sounds insane, for that's where I've found my sanity. I am not a "contemplative" kind of person, so at first, I read a little booklet called "The Miracle Hour" and would basically read it every morning, until everything started to fall in place and becoming more of an hour of meditation. I still go through the same little booklet every day, though, and it became a habit in about two weeks. Now, I can't imagine starting my day without "my hour".
The "Miracle Hour" (by Linda Schubert) is divided in 12 segments of 5 mins. each, so it goes by very fast.
I hope this makes sense and helps you somewhat!
jpmomagain, how did you find that was the source of your son's problems? I know that nocturnal eneuresis (bedwetting) is caused by not having the internal ear and brain connection fully...connected. Our dr. told us that...our son has the nocturnal eneuresis, he's currently on the Roger System of the bedwetting alarm and is helping tremendously!! So, if the connection is missin there, couldn't that be our son's source, too? Hmmm...something to think about for sure. By the way, to everyone who's been kind enough to read, ds started his meds today and he was very relieved. So was I...especially that he was so thankful for them.
MOMS, I need some help and support and advice!! I feel so completely ... lost today. You know, overall-I'm a pretty positive thinking person. I like to give encouraging advice and I'm not much on 'excuse-making' when it comes to things in life that NEED to be done.
However, our ds' ADHD is beating me!! It's winning!!!!! I'm failing my little man. I have absolutely NO patience, no positive comments in my moments of frustration...I'm losing it. I look at our 7 year old ds and I'm just frustrated. I love him...it's indescribable how much! I yell, I spank and I do it all because I feel so DESPERATE! I do...Then, the guilt sets in afterwards and the fact that he's so forgiving of me makes me feel WORSE! I'm starting to have mini panic/anxiety attacks and I think it's the cause of my pains in my stomach. How do you do it? How do you cope? How do you remain in control?
Each day, we say is a new day. So, I try and then it's like 50 First Dates and I'm reminding him of the same things. He hurts his little brother, and doesn't mean to! He can't follow SIMPLE daily things. So, I start out really calm and loving and try to use the more appropriate approach-but then I get so OVERWHELMED that I go back to the old me.
I am so heartbroken. I'm not the mom I always dreamed of being. Our youngest ds is 3 and he doesn't even make the 'common sense' mistakes our ADHDer STILL makes. And I keep repeating MY yucky habits.
Any advice you have...it would help me tremendously. I'm sorry this seems so negative. I know it is. So, let me say-not every day is like this-just more lately. We're starting him back on meds Monday so I'm hoping it helps. I just feel bad he has to be medicated to behave. I guess I should just be thankful to God that someone gave us the option of helping them with meds....Anyway, thank you for letting me at least get this out. I can actually take a deep breath now.
You know, it is such a comfort to read all of your posts. It makes my eyes water because it's such a RELIEF.
I got a phone call at work yesterday, just as I was leaving. Everyone in the office (we're a family business) groaned and said "It's the school!" 
Apparently ds had spent the majority of Tuesday and all of wednesday with his PRINCIPAL. She allowed him a free-be by not calling me Tuesday but decided it'd be best to call me yesterday. She was so very nice, that's a blessing how awesome our school is with him. She said "I just love him, he's such a sweet boy. He just has some impulse issues and he's punched just about every one of his buddies or pushed them down." I just sighed and said "We are realizing that meds are going to offer him and us some normalcy, so I'll get the prescription filled and we'll try again for a better day" I didn't know what to do. Do you punish him? And feeling the sharp pains stabbing in my stomach (has become ALL too common for me the last two weeks) and the instant nausea, I called dh and said very calmly "I need you to handle this. Remember that you love him and he can't help all of it, but whatever you decide-just have it done and over by the time I get home" He is such an awesome dad to our boys and some times I don't let him have enough of the responsibilities. And let me tell you, moms, it felt GREAT. I got home and it was all taken care of. I could tell that whatever he did worked because ds had a fairly good evening and dh kept reminding him 'Okay, remember our talk?' and ds would say "yep, I know" and he'd refrain from whatever not-so-great choice he was about to make.
I'm taking the advice to let some things slide and to remember that I really am not supermom, no matter how hard I try. And I am going to allow some loss of control by letting the man of our house (besides God) have some of it! This morning, I woke up a little early and started it off with some stretching and some deep breathing and it's helping.
We do have to take care of ourselves. It helps us be better moms and wives. Dh saw me starting to get stressed this morning, we talked a LONG time last night and he came up to me and assured me that I just need to 'relax'. Thank YOU!! 
Thank you all so much for being there for me. It's so hard because, like I said, no one else 'gets it' like you do. You'll never know how much your replies mean to me. It is nice to know we're not alone and I'm not the worst mom for the way I feel!!!!! THANK YOU 
And feeling the sharp pains stabbing in my stomach (has become ALL too common for me the last two weeks) and the instant nausea, I called dh and said very calmly "I need you to handle this. Remember that you love him and he can't help all of it, but whatever you decide-just have it done and over by the time I get home" He is such an awesome dad to our boys and some times I don't let him have enough of the responsibilities. And let me tell you, moms, it felt GREAT. I got home and it was all taken care of. I could tell that whatever he did worked because ds had a fairly good evening and dh kept reminding him 'Okay, remember our talk?' and ds would say "yep, I know" and he'd refrain from whatever not-so-great choice he was about to make.
[/QUOTE] Awesome. Then you get a little "mental break" from it all and can regroup and be ready for the next day. Oh, and good husband you have there. 
Over time, my DH has become more supportive and wow, honestly, it really makes a difference to me.
[QUOTE=BPQW] < =text/>_popupControl(); I try to think of my son's meds not as a way to cram his huge being into a small hole, but as a way to blow away the fog that surrounds him, so he can stop charging around blindly like a bull in a china shop. We're uncovering their potential, not tamping it down. [/QUOTE]
Very well said!! In the past, I have told my son that he has a lot of potential, is quite bright, but the attention deficit disorder restricts/limits use of his abilities; that finding the right medication and accommodations could provide the "bridge" he needs to get to the other side, where he can use his abilities, etc., not to mention have less frustration.
You are not alone we have all been there or are currently there. The only advice I have is hang in there and keep working on your patience.
If meds make that much an improvement then don't feel guilty about that! Whatever works for you/him is what matters! Go over your daily routines -ensure they are very structured, organized and you have a SCHEDULE and stick to it. Then if you haven't already, read up on Magic123, and/or the marble-reward system.
I, like so many others here, have been in your shoes (or still are!). It IS frustrating living with ADHD/behavioral stuff. But, I've found that if I can stick to a schedule (printed off on the fridge for everyone to see, more particular ME to keep me on schedule and by default my son as well!) and stick to my guns, following through with the Magic123 in a calm manner (not always easy but it sure makes a big difference in teh success of Magic123) and, most importantly, I've posted 5 rules on the fridge - and these are linked to the marble-system and Magic123.
I like having the rules posted on the fridge - I'm reminded constantly of the rules myself, so *I* will follow through and I just point to the fridge like it's the fridge's fault it made up the rules that my son broke! Takes the heat off me.
My rules are:
#1 - Do as your asked (aka TOLD) without "fussing" (arguing, whining, crying, pleading, yelling etc.)
#2 - No Sillyness (this covers ALOT - repeated weird noises, monkey behavior)
#3 - Don't bother other people (making faces, taunting etc. - again covers alot)
#4 - Use nice voices and words (no name calling, sceaming at eachother etc.)
#5 - If it's not a toy, don't touch! (reduces them getting into stuff that gets them in trouble with us!)
No hitting is an automatic time-out, no 1-2-3 there, but could be a rule. We've just always enforced the hitting, so they don't hit much at all.
Someone here somehwere said, "You need a PLAN." And aint' that hte truth - you need a plan for rules, consequences, scheduling...once you plan all this and follow through with it all, it reduces the possibility for conflict.
3littlekids39708.34123842593LittleKids, I'm laughing out loud because *I* am the one who said "You need a PLAN!" ha ha ha!!
We actually do have a plan and I do have the charts and a structured routine...I am organized and try to really keep on track. In doing so, I think it's just the fact that he cannot remember them even thought they have been in place for a year (at least!). The constant reminding and same-old of every single day wears me down. I'm weaker than I thought, that's for sure. However, as soon as I got done writing here I felt better...some times I just need someone to hear me WHINE or vent or talk to. And this is an awesome place because you all are the only people I have who understand. DH understands but...well, it's different. I can tell when I've waited too long to talk it out with someone because then I end up feeling the way I did last night and this morning. It's such a learning process, is it not? Even with all the planning and educating, I still have my own 'bad days'.
Maybe I need to take your 'chart' and replace mine to have a refresher...The Magic123 I'm not so educated on so I'll have to look into that. Maybe we just all need a refresher! Also, I am feeling better about the meds. If it can improve our relationship (while I work on myself, too), why wouldn't I give him that?! Thanks for hearing me, ladies. Thanks for replying, too, because it helps SO very much.
ilovemyboys39708.3581481481I am there with you. Meds will really help your son I can't imagine notgiving ds meds. I went back on Lexapro and started seeing my therapist
again to help get me back on track. My anxiety is better now. I am
starting to change my own routine. I got up the other morning and took
a walk around our development just to clear my head and it helped so
much. I went walking again with a friend today and just vented - again
much help. I started to read daily devotions and have put my faith in God
more. Sometimes I just have to walk away from ds when he is being
goofy and get away from the situation. If I stay in the room, I just focus
on him and his behavior and it gets me nuts. After all, they are young
boys and they are silly to begin with ADHD or not. Find something you
can do for yourself and stick with it. Maybe carve some time for yourself
at night and take a walk or read something inspirational. Really, I
understand. I am there now but am getting better. Hang in there, you
are not alone.Thanks, babygonz! I don't know why I have such a hard time with making time for myself. I realize the benefits that come with it. One thing I'm really learning about myself is that I'm a guilt-ridden person. I don't really know Why, but I just know I am. It's a vicious thing, too. So, I'm having to take some moments out of my day today and recover from mine and ds' episodes yesterday. I am praying and it is always a relief...and talking here is so helpful. I don't think I'm alone, either, when I say that only the moms (and dads) on this forum can understand what I go through. Not friends or family can grasp it. They see ds and say "Oh, geesh, leave him alone...He's just being a boy!" or "He's fine, let him be" and all I can see are all the red flags, caution signs, detour signs and STOP signs screaming out at me because I know if I don't nip it, it's going to escalate beyond measure.
I feel like ds is ripped of a good, solid bond with me and with his wonderful daddy, too. It's so hard. But I'm trying and I know when I do better, it makes the whole house function better. It's a lot of weight we carry, is it not.We moms have it the hardest I think. We have to stop feeling guilty about
taking time for ourselves. You're right, not everyone understands what we
go through, so surround yourself with friends and family that do. I don't
live close to any family (good thing LOL), but I have created a support group
of friends that are family to me. They help me through rough times and vice
versa. Just keep thinks in perspective. Change the things you can and let
some stuff slide. Put your faith in a higher power and have a glass of wine
when you need it!I just wanted to let you know that I, too, am in your shoes. I know the guilt and the "today is a new day" approach, and by the time he gets on the bus we've "battled" and the poor kid goes to school upset, then when he comes home we "battle" over school work and then he goes to bed with only moments of goodness in his days, then I go to bed guilty and wake up the next morning trying to convince myself that "today is a new day". I don't have advice seeing how I'm struggling myself, however I can let you know that you are not alone.
I could have written your post almost word for word. I was just talking with my ds this morning how we've gotten in this "rut". Everything just seems negative - we fight in the am, he gets in trouble at school, we argue over school and homrwork, etc. It just seems like a big continuous roller coaster that never ends. I promised to fix things and work on my anxiety and frustration. We now started out little motto - I say "When mom's happy...." and he says (very monotone and bored) "everyone's happy
" then he gives me the smile I don't see near often enough....and my day goes on trying harder than the day before.
I think many moms have so much on their plate - work, household, schedules, financial, and on and on - when you throw in ADHD sometimes it just bottles up. I have zero people other than my husband (who would rather not think about it or says do whatever you think we should do) and my mom to discuss ADHD with, and my mom's at a loss for words, but she is there for me. There's will NEVER be enough time in a day for me to get my life organized the way I feel it should be. I'm a "mind" perfectionist! I want everything perfect, but I can never have it.
ilovemyboys - getting all that out is great, I'm not much help to you but it can be comforting knowing it's ok to not be 100% supermom by yourself when you have others here for you!
MOMS, I need some help and support and advice!! [/QUOTE]
I'm not the best at giving advice, but am sending hugs your way. I can relate! DS and I have survived his 17 years. Some days are more difficult than others, I know. Fight the big battles, celebrate the strides, and remember, you are human, too. If I may ask, do you have a significant other who is supportive?
Keep us posted after the medication is started again. My DS seems to be doing well with his and it has been a long wait for that!!
'glad that I dicided to go on line too see if there was others who was feeling the same way I was and what they where doing too get thur the madness. I'm not an expert at all but, it sounds like the majority of us have the same issues and just need to vent. Make an appointment with your Dr. and get help for youself a little stress/aniexty reducer (Meds) can help, I did and it can take the edge off. Help him by helping yourself and hopefully the bad days will get futher apart. I stiill have days that I say I cant do this anymore and some how tomorrow and the next day always comes. Keep your chin up it sounds like your doing a great Job.
I wish I could be more helpful but ,I'm new to this whole thing and looking for sugestion myself.
I read your post to my husband and told him this is exactly how I feel sometimes. Thank you. I love my boys, but it does wear on you. But imagine how boring our lives would be without them?
My daughter loves spinning and I eventually beg her to stop, I have always said she would make a great ballerina!! I ask her if she gets dizzy and she says no...
My older son has a bilateral senso neural hearing loss-- also had processing problems and had oc when he was younger and is an A student and is applying for colleges..
My daughter who is 6 has always been a handful but so far is not HOH, just impulsive and busy all the time. I was so relieved that her hearing was ok and thought I would have no problems with her...then she would throw tantrums and they never subsided.. thought I spoiled her too much
not saying this is her problem but interesting... the dr I am seeing on Saturday said it could be a processing problem and that alot of kids are misdiagnosed as adhd... will post once I see him
the Inner Ear problem is what I've been saying all along to my kids teachers do they listen nooooo My DS'S have perforation in there left ear which is a Hole in their ear drum and the doctors want to wait till the Spring to fix it but the teachers are not understanding that if My oldest son says that It's to loud in his class room and he can't concentrate my daughters bones in her ear are not functioning right. and My youngest son he's just not motavated to do anything you ask him too. unless it's a one on one he's in first grade.
I'm glad to here things are better ilovemyboys. Enjoy the "better times" We all can sure relate. Your doing a great job. Hang in there
We do take in the good days, do we not!?!!
I'm sorry, but are you sure it's not me you're writing about? 
I know how you feel, and its so incredibly hard. I have spoken to my DS that he and I both need to try harder in the mornings...the pre-medication hours. I haven't read all the posted replies, so I apologize if I'm repeating.
The best thing I ever did was start seeing therapist myself...the strain of parenting an ADHD child, having ADD myself and being doing it mostly alone (due to Dh's schedule) I was hitting my limit. Its a daily challenge but with these steps I'm more the way I hoped to be, but I have a lot more work ahead.
Be kind to yourself too. It seems that you try so hard, and I am confident that as he grows he'll realize what an important part of his success you have been.
Twodoodles, It's nice to have the encouragement and assurance we aren't alone!!Things have gone better this week. DH was out of town and I started a very strict routine and it worked magically. This morning, my alarm didn't go off and we got waaay out of routine and I was starting to yell again-mid sentence, I stopped and sat there. Ds was like
. Then, I resumed calmly and told him that this has been a really wonderful week for everyone and I'd like to continue on that path. He agreed and it went back to smooth sailing. You can't imagine the relief!Therapy is not out of the option here, I'm just really trying on my own. Only because I know what I need to do. HOWEVER, if things can't straighten out and I need a more professional guidance in my plan, I'm not above doing that. At all. This is my boys, my life, we're talking about!