It's funny how even though I knew something all along, finding out the
truth was simultaneously freeing and frightening.
I'm a 24 year old PhD student at an Ivy League University and four days
ago a psychiatrist confirmed that I have ADD. I introduce myself by these
credentials not because I want to brag, but because I didn't think
someone in my "position" could have a problem like this. In fact, my
thoughts on the matter are so overwhelming that I have been thinking,
non-stop about them since weeks before the appointment. Funnily
enough, my informal research on the matter ever since (further enabled
by the my recent use of Adderall) has actually served to hamper my
studies just like my ADD does! Hopefully, I'll get on track soon:)
I will try to summarize what I consider to be an interesting display of the
human capacity (which you all share, as well) and the social stigmas that
have led to such a late course of action.
As a kid, and forever after, I was and hope to always be, a dreamer. I was
educated and disciplined very well at home, such that schoolwork and
proper behavior was often easy and I caught on very quickly. As such, I
succeeded in doing my work fast. Afterwards, I was allowed to enage in
activities I was interested in--drawing, reading fiction, looking out the
window--as long as I was quiet. I know now that the reason I could
"behave" so well was because I have low hyperactivity and high
inattentiveness. I was a thinker (scattered as it has always been), not a
doer.
In high school I took all advanced courses. Even though I did well, and
again, appeared to "behave" beautifully, my notebooks were full of
doodles and character names for my future book and film projects.
Planners were not used to jot down tasks, but were coloring books.
Instead of reading my notes to study, I reread the entire chapters of my
textbooks. Though a fast reader, it would take me seven or eight hours of
"studying" each day after school to cram for a test or write a paper. I did
not appear to be procrastinating or wasting time because I always began
a couple of days in advance, and because I always worked alone. (The
mere idea of studying in a library was ludicrous, it was like trying to study
in the middle of a parade--impossible! )Though I wasted entire days and
afternoons on my "studies," by the end of these marathon sessions, the
amount of work I'd actually done was about an hour or two. Still, I
graduated in the top percentage of my class, and was accepted to one of
the best colleges in the nation.
College facilitated the opportunity to "fake my way" more than ever
before. I dormed alone for four years. There was no one to notice that
even if I honestly tried to start a paper for a week, it was only five hours
before that I succeeded in writing my first word down. Either way, things
got done, and no one knew the trouble I had focusing. No one knew I
sometimes had to read standing up, or that I regularly paced my room to
let out my pent up energy, that I could not bear to read more than a
couple of lines of dense material at any point, or that I often read aloud
to force myself to understand. I both thought these things were quirks,
and also started to wonder whether something was wrong.
My application (as in the mere act of writing an essay, a long research
paper, and getting my rec. letters, etc. together) to grad school took two
tries. I was unable to concentrate the first time because I lived in a new
city and because my boyfriend at the time was often around--as in, in the
other room, sitting quietly. The very thought of another person around
made it impossible to concentrate. I decided to try again the following
year. I actually had to quit work and move back in with my parents just to
apply (yes, mail out the forms!!!) to grad school. For three months, I told
everyone I knew that I was doing research for my application paper and
"working on apps" for eight hours a day. It was a lie.
In the first two months, I probably totaled about 15 hours solid work
(despite my alleged 40 hour weeks). I rushed my applications in within
minutes of their deadlines and did the vast bulk of my work in the last
two weeks. I was so overworked, I lost a great deal of weight, and could
eat or drink nothing but milk due to a severly upset stomach.
During the wait to go to grad school (somehow, I actually got into the
best school in my field) I worked at an office job for five months. I was
concerned my colleagues must have thought I had bladder or intestinal
issues, because I had to get up and "use the restroom" at least once an
hour. I lived for those moments where I could get up from behind the
prison that was my desk.
What compelled me to do something about my ADD was ultimately grad
school itself. The world of academia at this level is competitive beyond
belief. I could not study in my designated office because, of course, there
were simply too many (that is, any) people around. I also could not
practice my study habits of pacing, talking aloud, or writing/reading
while standing up unless I was alone at home. People started to assume I
didn't do any work at all (mostly they were right, as even though I did
"work from home" I mostly procrastinated). Everyone's suspicions were
making me more anxious than ever before.
For the first time ever, my problems with concentration and attention
started to affect my grades. While not failing, it was clear (at least to me)
that my work was not on par with that of my classmates. After a
loooooong deliberation, I finally decided enough was enough and I made
an appointment to get help.
In my case, with all my alleged or apparent success, I thought a therapist
would think I was making it all up to get drugs. I'm well aware of Adderall
abuse, especially by college students, and I was terrified that I would be
accused of simply wanting drugs. In fact, not wanting to be medicated
was one of the main reasons I did not seek help sooner. Other reasons
existed too, but among them was a fear that I was wrong, and that in fact,
I didn't have a legitimate problem, but that I was simply lazy, or not as
smart as others thought I was.
My journey (and in some ways, my life) is just starting now. I'm excited
and scared to see where it will take me. I'm much more positive lately
(maybe an effect of Adderall?) but I really hope to use this diagnosis and
medicine as facilitators and tools with which to turn a new leaf.
I'd appreciate any advice, at this point, and I hope to read and share more
with you all.
Zeke,
I can relate to so much of your story it's incredible. I feel like this a lot when I read about other gifted people with ADD--the similarities in the narratives are so strong that pointing it out almost seems trivial--all I have to add to the conversation is "me too."
I'm also 24 and I'm in my second year at a top 5 law school. Your study habits and your school survival skills are very familiar. (cramming, long hours, minimal actual work, procrastination, the external appearance of success and the internal knowledge of the madness of the actual process...) Unlike you I was diagnosed with ADD 14 years ago...although only medicated since age 17. Like you I've felt my ADD begin to unravel and become a real challenge in post-undergraduate academia.
First: I don't think medication is the answer. I think it can be part of the answer, although my attitude toward it has been in flux since starting law school. (As managing my ADD has become more daunting, I've wondered what the value of being medicated actually is if I'm facing the same--or worse--challenges than in the past. Would my life be even more chaotic without it? Have I developed a tolerance? Higher doses (of methylphenidate) only make me anxious, so that is not the solution...)
However, medication was a life saver in high school, so I don't completely discredit it.
Even in terms of concentration, it is only half the picture. While it makes it easier to concentrate, the avoidance-patterns I've developed over the years are still strong. I built a habit of reacting to the discomfort of the difficulty of concentrating by engaging in other activities--reading off-topic books, staring at the ceiling in thought, going through old photo albums. I find now, in law school, medicated, I tend to react to the unpleasant sensation of anxiety in a very similar manner. While I could waltz my way through high school and college difficulty courses...the connotations of attending a top law school have caused my confidence that I can do the same now to deteriorate.
I'm off topic. I apologize.
Using medication is like trying to read in the dark with a flashlight--the flashlight only helps you read if you point it at the right book. (Note your comment that learning about ADD itself has become a time-consuming distraction). For me, at least, medication helps me keep my thoughts under control and helps me focus my attention, but it does little for my impulses (the internet is dangerous!) or my tenancies to avoid anxiety-inducing situations (a learned behavior that a lot of ADD people have, I've been told, since their ADD tendencies have caused them to mess-up in these situations in the past. However, you've been really successful, so you might not have this problem)
Somehow this post feels advice-y. I didn't mean it to. Reading your post was very affirming, and I'm joining this community to talk to others who have experiences similar to mine. I guess I should make another post about my confusion over whether to continue my medication.
Another person with a very similar profile here! Quite amazing. I was diagnosed in college, though many of my teachers suspected I had ADD when I was in school. My parents, not being very well informed about it, dismissed my inability to concentrate as simple laziness.
I'll be turning 24 soon and I'm a 2nd year med student. I managed to do well in school/college, but it was a mighty struggle. I was raised in a family of people who are high achievers academically and from child hood I was taught the importance of doing well in school. So even though studying was like pulling teeth, I found ways to get it done in the end.
Unfortunately, I feel that I've never achieved my full potential. My academic career is marked by moments of brilliance mixed with moments of mediocrity and in the end it averages to a "good" career so far.
However, my old ways aren't working so well in med school. This is an environment in which everyone is serious and no one is a slacker. My tendency of doing nothing and then cramming at the last moment isn't working anymore simply due to the vastness of the material I'm expected to learn.
There is no escaping the necessity of sitting down and covering large amounts of very un-stimulating mateial. This is why I've come across these forums. I'm looking for coping strategies.
It is getting extremely frustrating and I seem no closer to conquering this condition today than when I first became aware of it. I started attempting to do my work in the early afternoon. It's now almost 9 PM and I've accomplished virtually NOTHING. It seems utterly impossible to get through this material. This is despite the fact that I've taken my medication.
I'm going crazy
I feel there is so much more I could accomplish if I could only learn to gain control of my mind.
First: I don't think medication is the answer. I think it can be part of the answer, although my attitude toward it has been in flux since starting law school. (As managing my ADD has become more daunting, I've wondered what the value of being medicated actually is if I'm facing the same--or worse--challenges than in the past. Would my life be even more chaotic without it? Have I developed a tolerance? Higher doses (of methylphenidate) only make me anxious, so that is not the solution...)
However, medication was a life saver in high school, so I don't completely discredit it.
Even in terms of concentration, it is only half the picture. While it makes it easier to concentrate, the avoidance-patterns I've developed over the years are still strong. I built a habit of reacting to the discomfort of the difficulty of concentrating by engaging in other activities--reading off-topic books, staring at the ceiling in thought, going through old photo albums. I find now, in law school, medicated, I tend to react to the unpleasant sensation of anxiety in a very similar manner. While I could waltz my way through high school and college difficulty courses...the connotations of attending a top law school have caused my confidence that I can do the same now to deteriorate.
I'm off topic. I apologize.
Using medication is like trying to read in the dark with a flashlight--the flashlight only helps you read if you point it at the right book. (Note your comment that learning about ADD itself has become a time-consuming distraction). For me, at least, medication helps me keep my thoughts under control and helps me focus my attention, but it does little for my impulses (the internet is dangerous!) or my tenancies to avoid anxiety-inducing situations (a learned behavior that a lot of ADD people have, I've been told, since their ADD tendencies have caused them to mess-up in these situations in the past. However, you've been really successful, so you might not have this problem)
Somehow this post feels advice-y. I didn't mean it to. Reading your post was very affirming, and I'm joining this community to talk to others who have experiences similar to mine. I guess I should make another post about my confusion over whether to continue my medication.
[/QUOTE]
I might as well have written these passages myself! My thoughts EXACTLY. It is encouraging that I've only just stumbled across these forums and I've already found 2 people facing almost identical situations to my own.
I agree 100% with your analogy about reading in the dark. I find that Ritalin helps me focus on whatever it is I happen to be doing at the time I'm on it. But that could be something completely unproductive.
It's great to hear that I'm not the only ADD-ridden soul in the world of
higher ed.
I've delayed in posting because of an awful week and a half of
medication side effects involving trial and error with Adderall and Ritalin
(that mix can't be healthy). Any non-sick time has to be dedicated to
schoolwork, and I've mostly been in a foul mood. I'm adjusting now, but I
am keeping in mind your advice, law owl. I know that the pills wont cure
all, but I am using them in the good faith that I will change my habits
(slowly, but surely). My intentions are good, but I agree, certain patterns
die hard. I too avoid the more difficult endeavors of life and opt instead
for those I know I'm good at. Not completely an ADD tendency, but still
one that's important to break.
I hate to admit this, but a couple of years ago I tried one of my ex-
boyfriend's Adderall pills (not sure the dosage). I thought it would help
me write a short story I really wanted to start. While I waited for the
medicine to "kick in" I started playing around on the internet. Before I
knew it, I'd spent four hours trying desperately to find a pair of shoes
online. In some ways, I'm glad I learned the flashlight lesson, or was at
least exposed to it, before I put all my faith in these meds now.
But, just when I think I'll give up, when the headaches, the nausea, and
the anxiety attacks that have ensued from too-high, too-fast dosage
have riddled me with depression, I have a day like today. For the first
time that I can remember (that is, without having a severe time
crunching deadline) I sat in my living room and studied for five and a half
hours. My head was clear, I felt like myself, and I actually enjoyed and
understood what I read. I didn't get up every five to ten minutes to "walk
it out" or run a meaningless errand, I actually sat still for that long, on a
Sunday! I just keep telling myself, if the medicine helps me do this then
I'll be OK. I'm not sure what to expect, though.
Steel Breeze, I can relate to your predicament very well, too. It's nuts how
dedicated people are at this level. I've got classmates who seem to work
around the clock, and we aren't even working towards something as
important as learning info that might save a life someday. I was always
told that there would always be someone smarter, faster, etc., but now's
the only time in my life that I've felt truly mediocre, PhD or not.
How long did it take you both to come up with a dosage plan that worked
for you? Anything the doctors won't tell me? (My psychiatrist seems to
have gotten his degree in avoidance. The guy cannot respond to a direct
question!)
I appreciate your replies, and I hope we can help each other along.
SteelBreeze--I can definitely understand what you're saying about the type of people in Med school. I think that one of my major pitfalls in law school is letting myself become intimidated by the other students. Some--although last year it seemed like all--of these students are an AD/HD person's nightmare. Last year I sat next to a student in my Contracts class who was very put together, uber prepared, came to class with actual printed out notes that she had taken on the reading to prepair herself for discussion. She was very smart and very organized and you could tell that she had planned her schedule months in advance. It completely psyched me out. I, of course, had done my reading in a flurry of panic, had taken no notes before class, took my class notes by hand--sometimes with a highlighter because I lost my pen--sometimes not at all (are notes difficult for you guys? I never really took them before now...I guess you don't need this sort of notetaking for a PHD, though. But med school?). I felt embarassed and inadequate and I assumed other students looked at me and thought "how did she get in here?" (I love the movie Legally Blonde--socially it's dead on law school except instead of being blond I'm ADD!)
The thing is I ended up doing very well in that class, despite my inability to be a "good student"--and my inability to lead a tolerable life as a student from day-to-day. While that girl who sat next to me probably enjoys her time more than me because just doing everything is less chaotic for her, she wasn't actually a better student than me.
Do either of you have any thoughts on the social or professional consequences of ADD? I feel like I'm constantly trying to fight the impression that I'm irresponsible. I'm miserable that many markers of professionalism and even maturity fall into the category of things I find honestly challenging.
I guess what I was trying to say before, SteelBreeze, is that you're clearly smart and you got into Med School for a reason. Dispite everything you're experiencing now, you deserve to be there as much as those other people. Even as the (miraculous, GPA saving) bell curve is pulled out from below us and we're learning and performing toe to toe with our intellectual peers, our ADD doesn't mean that we don't deserve to be there or that we can't perform well at all. Right? I mean, look around you and think about the skills that got your peers into med school: they are incredibly hard working and disciplined and organized--while these things helped them get INTO med school, you got in with your mere dallop of concentration power. If you don't have those skills down, and you still got in, you must have some other sort of brain power going for you.
I think it took me a little long to work through my chain of logic there...
How I figure, we've got the unlearnable part of the equation. We're physically and biologically challenged in terms of developing the discipline that our peers have...but perhaps it's possible? Shrinks and counsilors have always told me that the good news is what I need to work on is "the easy part"--of course, it is not easy to me, and I often feel miserable trying to sort these aspects of my life out. And of course, the material is harder now, too. But imagine if we didn't "get it"--what a mess we'd be in then.
What I try to remind myself of, and this helps me read and get things done, is that the challenging material, the difficulty of law school, is the fun part. Organizing my time and all that is gruling but the actual material is what I'm here for, the learning is what I'm here for, and when I can get myself excited enough about the field I've chosen that I forget to be scared of what I need to do, that's when the challenge of getting it done scales back down to a more managable level. I still take a tone of breaks and stop to pace around the coffee shop, but at least I'm getting something done--at least I'm not running errands or surfing the web.
I also think about the people I'll help with my J.D. This probably works for med school, too.
Zekefreke, in terms of medication, I don't know what to tell you. I was put on a tone of concerta (long-release ritalin) in high school and I've scaled it down over the years as I've developed more skills, and also as I've begun to develop anxiety.
Something that helps in terms of side effects (I find it makes me nauseated if I ever stop taking it and then start again) is I try to eat breakfast before I take it, and then I make a concious choice to keep eating throughout the day. I keep advil on hand, too. And I avoid too much coffee--as this makes me completely jittery and upsets my stomach more. (I drink a ton of coffee if I ever run out of my prescription.) I also avoid drinking while it's in my system, or if I do drink, I keep track. Ritalin/concerta has the amazing side affect of allowing you to get drunk without feeling like you're drunk--you feel very alert even though you seem drunk to others. This can lead to really bad mornings after. I hear that drinking and adderal has the opposite effect--feeling more drunk--but I haven't experienced this first hand.
One of my good friends was put on an anti-depresent to treat her ADD. I don't really understand it because she doesn't like to talk about it too much, but apparently this sort of treatment plan is not unheard of.
It's hard to find a shrink you work well with. Tell your shrink you don't know what to expect in terms of medication and ask them to be more hands on. I've been to enough shrinks over the years (because of moving) that I can give new ones a "this is what I want" type of talk, and they seem to universally respond even if it isn't their ideal style. I know it seems like they are in charge...but if you tell him or her that you'd really like more guidance in terms of sorting out your medication and you don't know how to interpret your reaction to the dosage, maybe he or she will step up. It's completely your place to say what you need out of the service that you are paying for.
I feel like I'm writing too much. I enjoy this conversation a lot and I hope both of you will keep posting. I know I have opinions about these things...but really I feel very frustrated on a day-to-day basis with this stuff as well.
-law owl
[QUOTE]
But, just when I think I'll give up, when the headaches, the nausea, and
the anxiety attacks that have ensued from too-high, too-fast dosage
have riddled me with depression, I have a day like today. For the first
time that I can remember (that is, without having a severe time
crunching deadline) I sat in my living room and studied for five and a half
hours. My head was clear, I felt like myself, and I actually enjoyed and
understood what I read. I didn't get up every five to ten minutes to "walk
it out" or run a meaningless errand, I actually sat still for that long, on a
Sunday! I just keep telling myself, if the medicine helps me do this then
I'll be OK. I'm not sure what to expect, though.
[/QUOTE]
Zeke...also wanted to comment on this. What a great experience! Sometimes I question what my meds are doing for me and I go off of them, and I always find this sort of experience rewarding when I return to them--a sort of "I didn't merely imagine that these were doing something good for me" reality check.
Pay attention to the conditions that lead to you actually sitting down to do the work...I find that starting is the worst.
LawOwl, I know of many people like that girl you described. As a matter of fact, I happen to sit next to two such girls. Sometimes we're in class from 8 AM - 5 PM with only a half an hour lunch break in between. As you can imagine, it is practically impossible for me to pay attention in class. That's especially so when some of the professors are incredibly boring. But these two girls pay close attention the entire time and they just keep typing away, taking pages and pages of notes.
Let me tell you, my Solitaire skills have improved exponentially since starting med school! I can now beat Spider Solitaire with 4 decks on a regular basis. When I first started, I couldn't even beat regular Solitaire with a 1 card draw.
Note taking is pretty tough for me. Fortunately, most of our professors use Power Points and a lot of my class mates are helpful enough to give me their notes. Often, I can just get by reading the book too. The notes I do take are completely disjointed and all over the place.
I feel that most folks with ADD tend to have good memories and tend to be very creative people. Almost everyone I know who has ADD is very intelligent. Now if only they could all get their acts together! Somehow, I've managed to pass all my classes because when I do ultimately cram, I manage to remember enough material to figure out the answers.
I feel that I could be an excellent student if I could just find a way to put in 2 hours of concerted study a day. That's all I would need. As it stands right now, I might get about 45 minutes of serious studying a day.
[QUOTE=zekefreke]It's great to hear that I'm not the only ADD-ridden soul in the world of
higher ed.
I've delayed in posting because of an awful week and a half of
medication side effects involving trial and error with Adderall and Ritalin
(that mix can't be healthy). Any non-sick time has to be dedicated to
schoolwork, and I've mostly been in a foul mood. I'm adjusting now, but I
am keeping in mind your advice, law owl. I know that the pills wont cure
all, but I am using them in the good faith that I will change my habits
(slowly, but surely). My intentions are good, but I agree, certain patterns
die hard. I too avoid the more difficult endeavors of life and opt instead
for those I know I'm good at. Not completely an ADD tendency, but still
one that's important to break.
I hate to admit this, but a couple of years ago I tried one of my ex-
boyfriend's Adderall pills (not sure the dosage). I thought it would help
me write a short story I really wanted to start. While I waited for the
medicine to "kick in" I started playing around on the internet. Before I
knew it, I'd spent four hours trying desperately to find a pair of shoes
online. In some ways, I'm glad I learned the flashlight lesson, or was at
least exposed to it, before I put all my faith in these meds now.
But, just when I think I'll give up, when the headaches, the nausea, and
the anxiety attacks that have ensued from too-high, too-fast dosage
have riddled me with depression, I have a day like today. For the first
time that I can remember (that is, without having a severe time
crunching deadline) I sat in my living room and studied for five and a half
hours. My head was clear, I felt like myself, and I actually enjoyed and
understood what I read. I didn't get up every five to ten minutes to "walk
it out" or run a meaningless errand, I actually sat still for that long, on a
Sunday! I just keep telling myself, if the medicine helps me do this then
I'll be OK. I'm not sure what to expect, though.
Steel Breeze, I can relate to your predicament very well, too. It's nuts how
dedicated people are at this level. I've got classmates who seem to work
around the clock, and we aren't even working towards something as
important as learning info that might save a life someday. I was always
told that there would always be someone smarter, faster, etc., but now's
the only time in my life that I've felt truly mediocre, PhD or not.
How long did it take you both to come up with a dosage plan that worked
for you? Anything the doctors won't tell me? (My psychiatrist seems to
have gotten his degree in avoidance. The guy cannot respond to a direct
question!)
I appreciate your replies, and I hope we can help each other along.
[/QUOTE]
Regarding the medication: I've been using plain old Ritalin from day 1. I use 10 mg pills and my tolerance has gone up, but the advantage is that I can up and lower my dosage as I see fit. I'm prescribed 3 a day, but I rarely use them these days. My doc tells me to use them as I see fit.
I've tried Adderall and some time release medications, but I absolutely hate them. I find that regular pills in low dosage work best. They act quick and they last for a set amount of time and it's usually not depressing to come off them. If you need to work for a long time, you can just pop another one. I tried time-release Concerta once and it was terrible. I was super tweaky while I was on it and as I came down, I was extremely depressed and that's just not me.
At the moment, we're still awaiting the results of long term studies on the effects of Ritalin, Adderall etc. You have to keep in mind that these are amphetamines so it is very plausible that using them daily over a long period of time could have adverse effects on the brain. At the moment, these drugs are somewhat controversial.
I try to keep off medication for the most part these days. But sometimes, I will have episodes when I'm just bouncing off the walls and going crazy. In those situations I'll pop a Ritalin to calm down a little although sometimes that does nothing for me if I'm not pointing the flashlight in the right direction.
As for dealing with doctors, keep in mind that many doctors might want to peddle a particular drug. As you might already know, a lot docs are in bed with certain pharmaceutical companies so it might be in their interest to prescribe a more expensive, more fancy drag when a simpler, cheaper, older drug will do.
Fortunately, I have an awesome psychiatrist. She's very old school in her approach and completely honest and up front about everything. She's also quite good looking even though she's in her 50s
First off, I apologize for my heavy concentration (no pun intended:) on the
topic of meds. I feel like the ADD is old and has always been there, but
what I'm struggling with now is the medication aspect of the treatment. I
do have other things to say about what you both mentioned, so feel free
to scroll down and read about my very own version of the Type A twins!
In regards to my relationship with meds, I think I was absolutely blessed
to have the parents I did growing up. My mom is a non-practicing
physician, and she always knew exactly what to give me when I was ill.
She never panicked, and certainly didn't overdose her kids. Medicine was
something so strictly a "mom thing" that even most of the way through
college I'd phone her just to ask how many milligrams of Advil I should
take.
My dad, on the other hand, objects to taking even the mildest painkillers.
He's convinced (in his limited knowledge of such things) that too much of
any medication will automatically increase one's tolerance to the point
that in case of a true emergency, the meds won't work.
I haven't told either of them about my ADD diagnosis (Though when I
talked to her about it a few months ago, my mom admitted that she
suspected I had a problem.), and especially not about my recent Adderall
use. (Incidentally, the Ritalin did NOTHING for me. I really can't believe it!)
I tend to keep things to myself until I've come to a more grounded
conclusion and I want to become more educated before I tell my folks.
I also take both your advice(s?) greatly to heart. Thanks again to my dad's
"pure" mentality, I never did consume much coffee (It always gave me the
shakes really bad, and served to make me jog in place even more than
average when I had to write a paper. Am I a nut, or do you guys also do
weird things to "get the energy out"?) I've not touched caffeine since
starting meds two weeks ago, and I most certainly won't. Drinkings in the
same boat, too. My dad has spoken so poorly of alcohol consumption that
I typically consume one glass of alcohol or less per month, and I've never
been drunk. Twice I've had the opportunity to drink while on these meds,
and my resounding NO is even greater than before. I will not mess with
this stuff in any way.
Regarding brain damage...this is the main thing that scares the BeJeezus
out of me. What more do you know about this, SteelBreeze? I heard a
couple of kids have died, but how about otherwise healthy adults? I have
a great fear that I've got some type of undiagnosed heart defect and I'll
randomly die of a heart attack, or more recently, I've begun to worry
about a brain clot. I hate that my heart races so much, I really don't want
to strain it too much, especially now that I'm losing weight. Incidentally,
this brings me to my next question...when does this weight loss stop?!
I was pretty thin before (a couple of weeks ago, that is), and while I hate
to admit it, the first couple of pounds were nice, esp. since I recently
stopped jogging and excercising (which I attribute to the depression I've
been in as a result of my work suffering and feeling inadequate in my
program, though more on that in a minute). But, when can I expect a
plateau? I don't want to become underweight. And this probably messes
with my metabolism, right? Will I gain the weight back and then some if I
stop?
(med talk ends here:)
Now, the main reason I logged on this morning was to yet again comment
on the eerie similarities of our predicaments. PhD programs definitely
require note-taking, law owl. In my particular program we get tested after
three or four years on potentially everything we have learned. It is a three
day long essay exam that lasts eight hours each day. We are expected to
look at our presumably fantastically detailed and organized notes, which
is why I have been FREAKING OUT!!! about my particularly atrocious
study style, which is not at all conducive for a cumulative exam of that
caliber. One of my officemates began typing out detailed notes/
summaries on each and every reading from day one. DAY ONE! She's got
folders and folders of notes. I have scraps of paper, scribbles in books,
wrinkled readings all over my office.
And yet, just as was mentioned above, when we are in classes together,
she surprisingly comes off as ditzy. She asks questions of a seemingly
obvious nature. (Maybe a ploy to garner professors' attention and let
them know that she's done the readings?) I, on the other hand, think I
make pretty decent comments, and contribute nicely to discussion. Go
figure.
This past week I actually broke down in my advisor's office and told him
that I hated the program. I see now (and even then) that the thing I hate
most are the uber type-A people who make it a point to make others feel
bad about not doing as much as they do. Despite being in a program
such as mine, I am truly not a competitive person, and these other
overachievers make my stomach turn.
I agree that starting is the hardest part. I have been so stifled with the
fear of failure that I definitely avoid certain tasks. I have so many
unfinished projects its not even funny. This morning I'm supposed to be
writing proposals and bibliographies for separate three papers. I don't
know how I'm going to get through it!
Regarding meds:
Yes there are some children who died, but it is still unclear as to whether or not it is harmful to healthy adults. I tend to be on the conservative side when it comes to medication. There are some doctors who hand out pills like candy on Halloween, but I think it's always best to err on the side of caution. That's especially true of psychoactive drugs like Ritalin, Adderall etc.
I've taken a med psych course and I'm currently taking neuroscience. If there's one thing I've learned from these classes, it's that out understanding of the human mind and brain are still very primitive. We don't even understand why many psychoactive drugs work and we don't understand the cause of many psychiatric/neurological conditions.
No one quite understands what exactly the cause of ADHD is. There are some hypotheses, but none of them have been firmly established. Basically, Adderall and Ritalin are dopamine reuptake inhibitors.
Dopamine is an EXCITATORY neurotransmitter. Yet, ADHD medications INCREASE its levels in the brain. So, by increasing the amount of this excitatory substance, we can somehow calm the minds of ADHD sufferers.....go figure!
As I said earlier, you have to keep in mind that most ADHD medications are amphetamines. Amphetamines are arguably the very worst class of hard drugs. Of course, the amount of amphetamines in your ADHD medication is far less than that found in say, crank. But there are many who argue that taking it daily for a extended time period can lead to the accumulation of serious damage.
At the moment, long-term studies are still pending. We'll just have to wait and see. Personally, it's not a risk I'm willing to take. That's why I only use Ritalin on occasion.
As for the weight loss, it effects different people differently. Most ADHD medications are appetite suppressors. So you'll likely eat less. That's another reason why I don't take much Ritalin. I'm pretty skinny and I'm trying to put on weight!
Hi. Another ADD graduate student here. I'm in the sixth year of my program and I have yet to defend my master's thesis much less take comps or propose my dissertation. I just found out a few weeks ago that I have ADD. I haven't been formally diagnosed but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. Here's the kicker, my ADD was pointed out to me by a fellow grad student who also has ADHD, and I was resistant to the idea at first. After doing some reading I realized, with a sense of relief and despair, that I do in fact have ADD. She gave me a days worth of Adderall which I was afraid to try. Instead of taking the full dose I only took a half dose. What a difference it made. I am not sure if it was the stimulant effect of the med or the ability to focus or both, but I felt that I was actually tracking and following through and it was such an amazing experience.
Fast forward to now, a couple of weeks later and I have this incredible sense of urgency and desperation to do something about it. My appt. with the psychiatrist can't come quickly enough. I realize that a pill won't perform miracles but a little help would make a huge difference. I went to the campus medical clinic and the physician said that if I had made it this far in life I probably wasn't a good candidate for meds. I was devastated, the appt. I made with the psychiatrist can't come quickly enough.
I have a very difficult time starting and completing tasks. I procrastinate because I get easily overwhelmed. I also suffer from anxiety and ocd, but now I'm wondering if the ADD isn't contributing or exascerbating those symptoms. I get behind in my work and that makes things worse. Ugh.
I want to begin to get a handle on this so I can manage my life, home, family responsibilites, work and school a little better.
Nice to meet all of you.
ADDPhD wrote:
I went to the campus medical clinic and the physician said that if I had made it this far in life I probably wasn't a good candidate for meds.
Apparantly this physican doesn't know much about ADHD medications because the above comment that the physician made is untrue. The only way to know if your a good candidate for medication is by going through a trial of meds but please don't take medication unless it has been prescribed to you by a competent physician.. The vast majority of people respond very well once they find the right med and dose but its very individual. If you have OCD stimulant medication may or may not increase your anxiety level but it is wise of you to follow up with a psychiatrist because a psychiatrist is a specialist in med management and can adjust your meds accordingly.
Good luck with your appointment and please keep us informed.
I also decided to take a year, or at least a semester, off of law school and get a retail job. I love the constant movement and stimulation. It's sad that this job is much more suited to my personality than the intellectual work that I actually want to do. But at the moment I'm doing better and I'm pleased with my break from academia. I hope that I can go back next year when I have a better handle on my ADHD and have grown up a little and learned to talk better care of myself.
I firmly believe that ADHD stimulants contribute to anxiety. I was on them for a long time but every time I decreased my dosage my anxiety went down. I was anxious before I went on them, but my shrink's theory had always been that if I could get a better handle on my life, my anxiety would go down, stimulant or no. While this was true in high school, it didn't hold true for college and now law school when the stimulant alone was not enough for me to get a handle on my life...only enough to stress me out.
I'm practicing meditation to increase my awareness and help with my ADHD. It's no miracle and it's very difficult because I'm just starting, but after 8 years on meds I really hope that it can become a viable alternative. I do not want to be medicated for the rest of my life.
hi guys,
its been great reading your posts - its so amazing that we share so much in comomon! i recently graduated from edinburgh uni with a 1st class hons. its pretty much a miracle as i have adHYPERACTIVTYd and dyslexia (so please excuse any spelling mistakes and gramatical errors!). I am extremely hyperactive and nearly got chucked out of uni on a number of occasions due to my hyperactivity and impulsivity! i am now a school teacher.
on the topic of meds:
I am on 60mg of ritalin/day. when i started to take these meds i experienced all of the usual side effects that you guys have.
i had extreme depression (which is totally unlike me), weight loss and anxiety. my doctor decreased the meds and gradually built them up over a period of 3 months. i now experience non of these side effects UNLESS i forget to take them. i try to be regular!
i am a great believer in meds for some ADHDers because without them i am totally off the wall. i literally cannot sit still for 5 minutes. there is no way i would ever been able to get a degree, let alone a 1st class from Edi Uni without them. conversely i appreciate that they do not work or react well with some people. BUT i do think that drugs are worth experimenting with in order to try to find the correct dose or drug before they are written off completely.
taht said, i agree taht they are only part of the battle. i have also found that CBT is very useful. i have learnt many straegies to help me organise, focus and generally cope with day to day pressure.
i totally understand where you guys are coming from when you said you have to 'work it off'. if i exercise i am able to focus much more and sit for a little longer. there are a number of ADHD papers that support this as a coping mechanism.
anyway - i hope this post is readable! i havent double checked it as i cant sit still any longer!
alex
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