I don’t think I can take this anymore.... | ADHD Information

failedparent I feel for you. I dont really have anything useful to say.
It sounds as if some better expert advice and help would be helpful. Try not to judge yourself and your son on everyone elses standards.
I have noticed my son does well if I follow him around and standing or sitting near him talk  him quietly reassuringly and  positively  through everything he does, ie, now you are brushing your teeth, walk into the bathroom, take the lid off the tooth past, now squeeze it on, no- stay in the bathroom, this is good you are staying on target, great, now brush your teeth. It sounds absolutley bonkers and is only possible for a max of 5-10 mins but it means that I can stay positive, praising him whilst he is doing thos e things which he wouldnt otherwise do. eg drying his hands off on a towel, brushing his teeth.

[QUOTE=Wyatt's Mom]One more thing to "failedparent".  Can you take a night off from homework?  Can you write a note to the teacher and say that a family emergency came up and he'll do the homeowrk on the weekend?  It's not a lie becasue taking a step towards fixing things is important. IF you can do that then I would give yourselves a break.  Sit with him and tell him you know you are not handling things well, tell him you know he is discouraged and feeling lousy and that you are going to try to learn how to help him so you can both fix it together then hug him and take him out for pizza![/QUOTE]

I think this is absolutely WONDERFUL advice...

personally, I would get a 504 plan in place for your son so you can avoid these situations in the future... best of luck!
In "special ed" your son may do BETTER socially than worse becaseu he would be learning at his own pace in his own way which may give him confidence.  He also would get to know other kids who have issues like he does, other kids who understand.  My son will never be popular and/or close friends with "mainstream" kids.  He has a couple of friends who struggle like he does and know what it si like to be tutored etc etc.  Also, where he sits in the classroom is something that you want in the 504 and they have to do it.  And as for the "quiet" during homework thing...quiet is WORSE for my son.  He needs a small amount of noise to make him focus.  One more thing to "failedparent".  Can you take a night off from homework?  Can you write a note to the teacher and say that a family emergency came up and he'll do the homeowrk on the weekend?  It's not a lie becasue taking a step towards fixing things is important. IF you can do that then I would give yourselves a break.  Sit with him and tell him you know you are not handling things well, tell him you know he is discouraged and feeling lousy and that you are going to try to learn how to help him so you can both fix it together then hug him and take him out for pizza!Most nights I feel like I am at my whits end. My son is 8 and we have been fighting the battle with the teachers since he began 4K. This past summer I took him to a psychiatrist and he was diagnosed. Before the acutal diagnosis he had been on meds for a couple years.
He is on Concerta now and seems to be doing ok. My problem is this. I am so tired of the notes from the teacher every night about how he is "wasting" all of his work time and not doing his homework. His math teacher is flunking him because he does not finish his assignment in class and brings it home. (Most days he forgets his work book in his desk so we can't do the homework anyways). I try to keep the house completely quiet when he is doing homework, but he just sits there and takes hours to write 1 sentence. My husband and I get so frustrated that we end up yelling and screaming out of frustration. I don't know what to do? Where to start? I have talked to the school counselor and I don't feel like my conversations have been taken seriously. His classroom has their desks set up in pod groups and I told his teacher that this is a too distractable arrangement for him, but she won't change it. I am so frustrated. I feel like a terrible mother and sometimes I can truly say I don't even like my own child - how terrible is that. I feel like every waking moment is devoted to my son and his problem and his younger brother just gets ignored. (The younger brother does not have the same problem.)

Does anyone have any advice?????dtchblt,
Does your son have a 504 plan? If not, I would contact the school about getting one for him. If he is failing a class, there is obviously a serious problem.
Next time you get a note from the teacher about him "wasting" time, I would write right back and say, "What suggestions do you have for helping my child use his time more wisely and get his work completed?"
I would also ask the teacher to please check his backpack before he leaves school to make sure he has his workbook.
In the evening, I would sit down with him and step him through the homework, keep coaxing and encouraging him along. It helps some kids to take a 5 minute break after they've completed X amount of work. For others, it just makes them lose their focus more. Believe, I know exactly how you feel with this situation and it is extremely frustrating and exhausting. You may be able to get the amount of homework reduced with a 504 plan. For example, he would just be required to do the even numbers rather than the whole page. Still learning the material, just not as many problems.
The difficulty with focusing and completing work is typical for ADHD. I would try to get a 504 with accommodations that will allow him to succeed.
Good luck!

Hi- you said that a teacher in 3rd grade first mentioned Asperger's to you. Your son has not been tested and dx'd by a professional. He needs a professional assessment by a licensed psychiatrist or pediatric neurologist. If you live by a university, they sometimes have programs and/or counseling/testing for the public. You might want to look in on that.

Hang in there. You will both get through this!

Randy, the teacher suggested it but he was tested by the psychiatrist and given that diagnosis.  I know he put him on the high end of normal, but officially that is part of his diagnosis from the psychiatrist.  Honestly though, these "tests" are not like a blood test with a positive or negative.  It seems quite subjective to me.  In regards to special education for your son .... keep in mind I have an autistic ADHD kiddo who has multiple delays and other issues.

There is absolutely NO WAY that my son could function in a normal, regular education class. He would absolutely break down and cease to function I'm afraid. He just can't handle that pressure and the workload (while it could be modified) would be entirely too much for him.

In his special education class the work is ALL individualized! My son is above most of the other students in his class in regards to reading (even though he's the youngest and one of 2 4th graders) so even though the reading work might be too easy, the teacher modifies the assignments so that they are challenging (but doable) for my son. He is absolutely FLOURISHING in this placement. IEPs (I don't know anything about 504 plans) are meant to be individualized - hence "Individualized Education Program". That's the whole point of it.

I've known some near typical children (some with emotional problems or very slight learning disabilities) that just can't function in a normal classroom; they need the lower student to teacher ratio (more individual attention) and the help that they don't often get in a typical classroom. A lot of children will go to a typical classroom for the academics, but come back to the special ed classroom for resource help (homework help, etc...)

All this to say that I wish you the best of luck! I'm finally at a point where things are (so far.... **KNOCKING ON WOOD**) on a continuous upward spiral for my son and we haven't looked back. Sure, we have our rough moments (mornings really suck around here!) but I'm a point where I feel like we have a good balance of what to expect from our son and what we know he can do. **HUGS** and much luck to you
I have to agree. "special ed" is not a death sentence, nor is it any more "cookie cutter" than mainstream. This is why I say find out ALL your options and keep your mind open. There are lots of things out there. My daughter does not go to school anywhere near our home anymore. Her school is 40 minutes away (we also live in a small rural town) so she can be in a busier thriving town with public transportation and work options. OUR district, however, pays her tuition and transportation. She is 14 and in high school, I dont think i'd send my 8 year old 40 minutes away, but the overall point is to get them in an enviroment they can shine. Again the help of an educational advocate is invaluable.

A 504 should have special accomodations in place for YOUR son. Like sitting up front, allowed to get up and take a break, untimed tests, even taking tests in a room where it is quiet, less distracting, etc.

Does your son require anything special, he is eligible for it, so that it helps him learn.

Welcome - this is a great place for support, no matter what the issue!  It sure sounds like your son is suffering from depression, simply from the lack of concern for his physical well being, even if he has some other d/x, depression sure sounds like it's added another layer to whatever his issues started out as.

I agree MOVE HIM if the school isn't going to be supportive in his progress.

Also, remember there are two sides you are fighting this from - school issues and home issues.  YOU have more control over the home issues than school, so until you find a supportive school, perhaps try and focus on what you CAN change at home.  While there are no doubt many issues that are frustrating for you and him, I'd say choose ONE thing.  Basically don't worry about all the other things.  Then focus on getting him to experience success with that ONE thing - even if it's putting on clean clothes each day or taking a shower the night before.  ONE THING.  Both he and you, need to experience the feeling of success and positivity in your home. Once both of you see even improvement in just one thing, you'll feel more energized to tackle other issues.

Not sure if the marble system would work on pre/teens, perhaps someone can chime in? But, you have to be consistent with some kind of follow through.  I can say, it sounds like he believes the world has given up on him, so what's the use anymore?  When you said you sit at the table and organize all his papers for him, that just takes away his personal ownership of all the 'problems' and makes it easier in his head to withdraw even more.  Why try anything anymore if someone will step in and do it for me?

That's why I say choose ONE THING. And start with that.  Small steps that are easy to achieve.  You may have to force him at first, to do that ONE THING, but once he realizes you won't give up on this one thing, but make HIM do it.

I've realized we all get into "habits" some good some bad.  Over the years, our children get into habits too - often bad ones, but, they become habitual - this becomes their "norm".  A counsellor we once had told us this - what we have to do is change the HABIT but that takes consistent application over a period of time.  Once you change a habit for the better, the positive feeling you will get from the change will motivate you to tackle another habit to change ... and it spreads throughout your life.

But, it's the first habit change that is painful ... and takes the longest.  You'll likely have to look at your own habits as well, to see which one you want to stop and replace with a better habit.

I'd say, if nothing else, sit down with him at the table and make him organize his binder of paper. You can supervise, but make him put the papers in the right place.  Plan ahead - he can leave the table only ONCE he has tidied up his daily papers.  I wouldn't even focus on finishing the homework right now - get a routine going of something he can feel successful at. 

Some behavior mod program at home will benefit as well.  Seeing as he's a preteen, I dont' have much experience in this arena, as I teach grades 4 and under and have kids of same age at home.  However, you could sit down with him and tell him you have a PLAN.  Talk to him about a goal/treat he'd like to work towards -  I have NO idea what this might be to a 12 year old as this isn't my age of expertise - find the "carrot" that will make him hungry to comply - be it a game for the Wii, or just a cash reward - like hte marble system - once my boys earn 100 marbles they get (they are only 5 and 7 years old).

Find a "carrot" that he wants to work towards.

Keep it simple.

Be consistent, but don't do it for him. Make him do it for himself.

HTH. Keep us posted.

All that said, once you find a better school for him, then the IEP will be the icing on the cake.

I must say, as a teacher who has worked with SPED kids for over a decade now, and behavioral kids, it doesn't matter how fantastic a program I have going on at school, if their head is "elsewhere" and stuff is going on at home, often my efforts are for naught.  Sadly, I must admit this, so please, it might be easier and most effective if you start at home and try to experience success for both of you -- before even worrying about school.  He has to feel successful from the ground up, in order to experience success at the 'top' which is often school.

I can relate to what you are going thru. I am 65 years old and raising my 12 year old granddaughter. My husband and I have had her since she was 5.  She did great in school untilj 3rd grade.  In 4th she was diagnosed with ADHD.  Shortly thereafter my husband was diagnosed with cancer, so I am still working to pay medical bills, psychiatrist and meds for my granddaughter.

I have been thru all the emotions that you have, but have finally come to realize that she has a problem that is not her fault, so I do not try to expect more of her than she is cabable of doing.  She is cute, very socialable, good at sports, but just can not stay focused or organized.  She has been on several different meds, but Concerta seems to be helping more than anything else. We have been thru the psychiatrist, the therapist.  Just discovered, because I carried her to a university near us and had her tested and found she also has other learning disorders.

The worst of all this is that I received no support from her school and have been fighting every since 4th grade to get her in 504.  I have found an advocate in the assisant principal who taught my granddaughter when she was in 2nd grade.  I would suggest trying to find someone at school who cares (which is hard to do)Most of the teachers do not know how to modify their work or just don't want to go to the trouble.  This year I have started reminding them that Section 504 gives my granddaugher the right to be taught in a manner she is capable of learing or the school is breaking the law.  I have to stay in constant contact with school.  Like all of you sometimes I want to give up because its so hard, but the only chance my granddaugher has is to get the best education she can.

Things have gotten better since I realize she can't help how she is, I think you have to accept that to have some peace of mind.  With a good psychiatrist and the right meds you will see improvement.  IF I forget to give her her meds she will call from school to bring them because she gets in trouble.

Don't get me wrong this is not easy, and my intent when I first signed up was to cry on everyones shoulder, but when I read others stories I realize I don't have it as bad as I thought. So lets keep encouraging one another to get thru each day.

Thanks for reading.  God Bless.

I will try not to make this too long.  My son is 12, almost 13 years old, a 7th grader in middle school.  I am a single parent, father is in the picture but not very helpful.  My son was officially diagnosed with ADD (he doesn't really have the hyperactivity component) about 3-4 years ago.  During that time he saw a psychiatrist that did nothing but schedule us for 15 minute appointments where he asked us how the drugs were working and changed the dosage, type, etc.  He has been on Strattera, Focalin, Vyvanse, and I am not sure what else.  Quite honestly I saw no change on any of them, and finally got frustrated with the doctor and his lack of interest in my son and stopped seeing him, and took him off all meds.  Nothing really changed.  I actually have had mixed feelings about whether or not he even has ADD, but after reading some of the posts I suppose he probably does.  He has also been diagnosed with Asperger's.  He is very bright, but socially very behind, he gets obsessed about whatever he is interested in and will talk to people about it without seeming to recognize when they have lost interest.

In short, my son is having so many problems in school.  He is in a school that is 30% non-english speaking and has very low scores for his state's assessment testing and therefore all the attention goes to those children.  He has a 504 in place for the first time this year but so far I have yet to see what good it is doing him.  I have to initiate all contact with his teachers and the just tell me he is often off task in school and don't seem to do much to correct it.  He forgets his homework, loses it, and so my first challege is just figuring out what his homework is.  Then I force him to do it (and he's very bright, once you get over the battle of just getting him to do it), and then he DOESN"T TURN IT IN!  That is the worst part, spending hours on him doing homework, and then days go by and every day he forgets to turn in the work.  He failed two classes last year and slowly but surely his grades are dropping again.  He lies as well - he lost his science notebook and he told the teacher "his brother tore it up".  Well, I had to tell her with not a little embarrassment that he doesn't have a brother (he's an only child). 

Socially, I know he is having a hard time.  He has only like one friend at school who according to my son reminds him regularly that he has no friends because he hangs out with my son. 

This year I made it my mission to keep on top of his schoolwork and have been emailing his teachers constantly to find out what the assignments are, making him sit with me each night while *I* organize his binder and file his papers, and it is killing me.  It is hours each night and still the grades are dropping.  It is incredibly frustrating for me and I end up yelling at him and saying horrible things.  He will just sit there with a blank look like he doesn't even hear me, and nothing changes.

I grew up in an abusive household and I feel like I am becoming a (verbally) abusive parent to him.  I hate myself and I feel like an utter failure as a parent.  I hate myself for the fact that I dread the evenings and spending time with him.  I feel like I have caused these problems because I have not been a good parent to him.  We lost the loving part of our relationship a long time ago...now I just try to find nice things to compliment him on but he gives me very few things to work with.  I have to tell myself every day that there is only 5 years left.  That is not normal thinking for a mother! I have no other kids, will not have any other kids, as clearly I am not cut out to be a mother.  I was young when I had him - 23.  I am just about to the point of desperation - of dropping him off at his father's and telling him he can raise him.  Or military school.  Or, I don't know. 

My boyfriend lives with us and he is infinitely more patient than I am but he can't deal with the homework routine either, so he will go hide in the other room while I rant at him.  I have gotten to the point now that I have horrible anxiety about it and take a Xanax at night just to get through the evening with him.  To top it all off, my boyfriend has a 10 year old son that is a shining example of a perfect kid - totally confident, great in sports and everything he tries to do, and is completely spoiled by both his parents.  So on top of everything, my son is jealous and having a kid like this around just damages my son's self-esteem even more.  We have to keep the kids separated because the fights were too much for us to take. I am sure my son is miserable and doesn't even try anymore because he feels he is a failure.  And I can't help him because I feel like a failure too. 

Oh my Gosh!

I think I can honestly say I know how you feel. My son is 12, 13 in Dec. Never does homework, never tells me if or when he has it. His father never sees him anymore. I always seem to argue with him or just yell at him. Nothing good ever said, always feel like I'm nagging. He loses what homework he does do, spills anything he drinks or eats, leaves clothes and food everywhere, sits on the shower floor and doesn't wash himself. He pours out the bath products b/c he's playing and always seems to forget that we have to close the shower curtain, turn off lights, brush teeth and hair...anything that takes effort. everything is opposite when we talk. I think he would be a great lawyer with the way he argues.

I was also in an abusive household as a kid and I had my son at 23. I have an 8 y.o. daughter with my fiance of 10 years and it's hard when it seems like she gets all the praise b/c she doesn't have add and can follow through with most tasks and follows directions.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to tell you my story, I should be encouraging you,but I came to this group for help because I am at my wits end also and almost told my son's dad to come get him...but I knew that is not the right answer---especially since HE has add in a huge way and thinks there is no problem. In fact, he told me to admit that I have failed and let HIM raise him right! (He told the court he is homeless and cannot pay child support, so I released him of all accountability...and so can you raise a child being homeless and succeed better??)

There has to be answers to both of our problems. We need to figure it out. I am still trying to see if there is some sort of counseling that will help, not like the psychiatrist that writes the rx but a real behavior therapy. There are plenty of successful add children and adults b/c there IS a way to handle it. Maybe we have to learn how and what to do. I think that recognizing there is a problem and that what we're doing isn't working is a big first step. The first post I read here was one from Michael Phelps's mom and it gave me more than hope.

We are our children's advocates....we'll try and fail until we get it right.

Pixxee...thank you for being the first person that made me feel not quite so alone. 

My son also has terribly hygiene habits.  Things like not wiping, taking a shower but just standing there and not using soap or washing his hair, faking brushing his teeth, all of that.  In fact I can top that...a few years ago he started PEEING in his room.  Like, on the floor, because he was too lazy to go to the bathroom (he also has had bladder control problems and used to be on meds for that too...he doesn't have accidents anymore, partly I think because he does stuff like this).  He stopped it for a while and then I recently discovered he was doing it again..although he would lie and say the dog did it.  He has ruined the wood floors in his room and I can't even stand to go in there!  I will make him clean his room and he will spend ALL day on it..only to find he has shoved garbage and everything into drawers, closets (when he can't get away with the under the bed routine).  The kicker is that I found a water bottle in his closet filled with pee as well.  It's disgusting!  And my way of dealing with the whole situation is to avoid his room and avoid the battle of getting him to clean it because it just leads to MORE yelling...

Poor impulse control...more like NO impulse control.  Well that's not true - he doesn't swear (yet), or try to hit me.  He has had fights with other kids at school though, a couple of them physical.  It doesn't help that he is teased.  And to top it all off, a few years ago (when he was 10) he behaved inappropriately sexually with a 6 year old and that resulted in a CPS call, and then he had to go to behavioral couseling for sexual deviant kids.  He was 10! Fortunately nothing like that has happened again, but I also don't leave him alone with younger children anymore. 

I HATE HAVING A CHILD I CANNOT TRUST!!!!!

My counselor says that he does these things because he thinks he is worthless and a bad kid so what difference does it make, and because he likes the negative attention he gets from me.  But I don't know how to fix it. 

Wow!  You are having a difficult time - sending lots of HUGS your way.  Please don't feel like a failure.  It is very difficult dealing with the many things we deal with on this forum and quite often the only support we get is here, in cyberspace!  I do not have a support network - people that don't have a child with ADHD (or whatever else that is being dealt with) just don't understand how difficult it is and how alone we feel.  The fact that you are reaching out here shows how much you care and want to help your DS.

My DS is 13 and in the 7th grade also.  He has ADHD and has had a difficult time socially since we moved to this community last year (we are having a heck of a time with bullying).  He doesn't have Aspergers but he is gifted and he does have some very mild traits that fall into the Aspergers spectrum.  One thing you may want to check into is whether or not your DS is gifted (sounds like he might be). If he is, read some books on giftedness or check out websites on giftedness (pm me and I'll find some for you - I don't have the sites on the top of my head).  You might find some info there that would be helpful.

Up until 6th grade things went along fairly well for my DS (he was dx'd ADHD when he was 5 and on meds from that time until this summer).  Last year was terrible and this year has been better but I am VERY stressed so much of the time over him. I have actually considered going for counseling myself.  Maybe this is something you could do.  My DS went to a counselor last spring (because of the bullying and anxiety he developed) and I found it very helpful myself to talk with the counselor.  I have also found myself very overwhelmed recently- I feel I have to micromanage my DS.  I feel I can barely keep my own life together and I also have to keep him on track (I don't have ADHD but I am in my mid-40's and I think my hormones are making me a little "spacey").  My DS is very labor intensive and he does take a lot of energy.   You may also want to consider finding another doctor for your DS and try the meds again.  Maybe you just didn't have the right med at the right dose.  Another thing to keep in mind is that these middle school years are difficult for everyone and for those of us dealing with other issues they are more so. 

I'm sorry I can't offer you more help.  I really encourage you to see a counselor (and maybe for your DS as well).  I hope others here with children with Aspergers can offer you more advice.  Good luck and feel free to pm me if you just want to "vent" or talk with someone. 

Been there, have had it all happen and spiral out of control. First- you can't help your son if you are so stressed and worked up. You will only make yourself sick sick sick- physically, emotionally and mentally. You will get to the point where you just want to give up and have it all (him) go away!

Can you make two appointments? One with your doctor to discuss what is happening and how you are feeling? Ask your doctor to find out about some counseling for you and perhaps a local support group. Second- make an appointment with your son's pediatrician and discuss what is going on physically (the peeing and hygiene) and mentally with your son. He needs a thorough pysical exam and perhaps a referral to a pediatric neurologist. Your son sounds very depressed and perhaps he has just given up at this point.

You need a firmer dx for your son. Aspergers is not something to dx lightly. One of my older sons has aspergers. Not getting homework in and being totally disorganized is one of the symptoms of adhd. Can you call the school and make an appointment with the school counselor? Talk to the counselor and tell her/him what your son's most urgent needs are at this time. Mainly, organization, keeping up with his classwork and social skills. Then have the counselor help work on either 504's or IEP's. Have the school test your son for learning disabilities etc.

I would take the pressure off your son for now. Yelling and screaming and ranting at him is only going to make both of you resentful and angry and depressed. He is at the age where some responsibility has to be given to him. I bought my son adult pullups, put them in his room and told him he could wear them under or over his underwear at night when he felt like he needed to. Also, his counselor told me that when my peed he had to be responsible to clean it up as best as he could. Give him rags, windex, dog pee neutralizer and let him clean up where it is smelly.

Hope some of this helps. I think that you probably feel that a lot of this is your fault and you are a horrible parent. It is not and you are not. It's just part of adhd/add and other childhood disorders.

Please keep us informed and I'm here if you want to pm me.

Randy

I too want to send you hugs

Aspeberger's is a serious diagnosis. If he does have it, there is more of a reason why he is the way you describe. He truly can't help it, doesn't get, and needs help.

School should also be aware of this. I totally disagree with the counselor thinking he likes the negative attention - wrong, wrong wrong!

He is definetly socially behind due to adhd and even further if he has aspbergers as well.

Was he diagnosed by a professional? If not, do so.

Also Please Please please do NOT send him to a military school or enlist him at 18 - he will not fit in. Aspbergers is different - that also explains his intelligence.

You also need to learn and understand more about it. It is also common for aspbies to have adhd. There are others on these boards that know more than I do, but I have a sensitive link to someone with it.

I would truly start with having him professionally evaluated for it - rule it in or out first before anything els. Also meds for aspbergers may be different than adhd.

Please post us and let us know how you all are doing and what is happening, this really touches my heart!!

 

first of all, you are NOT a failed parent. Both ADHD and Aspergers are terribly frustrating! I think you just need to do some things differently. School is difficult for these kids. When these kids are so socially "out of it" it hits them academically also. I have onie strong piece of advice. HIRE AN EDUCATIONAL ADVOCATE.........TODAY. OK, that said, they are expensive, but you need to have all the right evaluations done and document every single little thing you can. If he's not thriving in this environment, move him. We moved my daughter to a fully special ed program this year. It is wonderful. Thre are a LOT of programs out there, but they're very expensive. We hired and advocate and our district is paying. I had started beating my head against the wall thinking how we could get her moved. She was not making it in the regular middle school. She is now with like peers, her school incorporates life skills and vocational skills (already beginning some work at 14). But the program I chose has a HUGE social/recreational piece. The kids range from kids like her (and other leraning disabilities) to kids with typical cognitive function but some physical dsability to significantly cognitively impaired. There are over 240 kids in her program and it is housed in a public high school. Her class are mostly kids with NLD/Aspergers. Minimal physical/cognitive issue, mainly LD.

We looked at other programs, public and private that were more for kids with mainly high IQ's and social issues (she needs more academic support), and others hat were for lower functioning kids that probably wouldnt be able to work. It was a lot of work, but worth it and she is in a great school setting now.

I'm sorry this is so long, but most people don't even realize there are other options out there. School wont offer as it costs them money to send (and transport) these kids.

I'm not saying this is your solution, but wanted to be sure you look at ALL your options.

Wow, the responses both her and privately have really helped.  I am starting to feel less alone.  I do think that a better parent would handle all this stuff better, but it is reassuring that some of the stuff he does is typical of ADHD and not something I caused by not giving him enough attention (and its true, I don't).

Re: the Asperger's.  It was his 3rd grade teacher that first brought this possibility up.  We started with some personality testing that the school did.  I don't remember what it was called but it had a bunch of statements like "I hate myself" or "Sometimes I think life would be easier if I were dead".  And it broke my heart because he said "Yes" to many of those things.  The end result of the test was that he showed high propensity for ADHD as well as being clinically depressed.  The reason his teacher thought he was Aspergers is really just a few things - he would fixate on something - like a paperclip - and play with it constantly, and then have a meltdown if it was taken away from him.  His interests - at the time it was things like Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Garfield comics, dinosaurs - would consume him and he would talk about these things ad nauseum to anyone that would listen.  He related better to adults than to other children his age and would go visit the ladies in the school office during recess.  He was smart - always has been smart - but would not apply himself.  But because he was smart, he didn't get the attention from the teachers he should have, because as I mentioned there were other kids with bigger problems in his class. 

It took a couple of years before the problems got to the point that I realized we needed professional help.  It took us months to get in with a child psychiatrist and that is the one we had for several years.  He did do some testing initially as well as looked at the testing the school had done, and on that basis and talking to my son for 15 minutes he came up with the ADHD diagnosis as well as Aspergers.  I have read up on Aspergers, and he must be on the very high end of the normal range because his symptoms are very mild, if he does have it.  I guess there is a part of me that doesn't agree with the diagnosis, but in any case, he was on the meds for a long time that was supposed to address both problems.  It didn't.  When I finally took him off the meds (mainly because not only did I feel like it wasn't helping, but because getting him to take it was a battle every single day.  He hates taking pills), I had intentions of taking him to a psychologist.  I also thought he should be on an antidepressant, because depression runs strong in my family and *I* was a very depressed child and it wasn't until I was in my 20s that I was put on antidepressants and it was a huge relief to me.  I couldn't get that psychiatrist to prescribe antidepressents for him because he was so fixated on the ADHD, and the biggest thing I saw was a very sad little boy who seemed to have given up.  I got frustrated with ALL of it because the process is so ridiculous - child psychiatrists are impossible to get into, you can't get meds prescribed if you don't see one and you can't find a psychiatrist that does anything BUT focus on meds anymore.  And the few that exist have waiting lists months long.  I don't know if its just my area or what - but I feel like there are so many kids getting diagnosed with ADHD that they just stand in a line outside the psychiatrist's door to get their prescriptions filled in assembly-line fashion.  We tried a lot of the ADHD drugs as I mentioned and so many of you seem to have seen huge improvements as a result of them, and I never did.  I just got a child who didn't want to eat and couldn't sleep at night.

All this said, I was at my breaking point yesterday and I want to clarify that I never would send my child to military school.  I was just feeling desperate!  I was in tears yesterday and finally talked to my boyfriend about it. I  feel guilty because he is my son and my responsibility to deal with, but he had some ideas to try and talk to him and picked him up yesterday.  He talked to him calmly about the lying about his science notebook and just told him that every lie will come back to him somehow.  And, I am not sure how it happened but my son did turn in all his late work yesterday, and came home with his agenda filled out with all the things he needed to do for the week.  This was HUGE!  I was just about in tears I was so proud of him, and told him so repeatedly.  He did all his homework last night, without supervision, and actually did a very good job of it, instead of the sloppy, illegible, do as little as possible work he usually does if left unattended.  I have no idea what changed...maybe he was seeing the desperation in me, I don't know.  I had told him the day before that I hated that I yelled at him all the time, that it was making us both miserable.  Maybe it was something my boyfriend said to him, or his dad said the day before.  Whatever it was, I had the first peaceful, non-yelling, non-stressful evening since I can remember.  I can only hope that this is the start of a change in him.  He does seem like he feels very proud of himself for doing well, and soaks up the praise.

Also - I wanted to ask specifically what a 504 plan is supposed to do for you.  I haven't seen anything happen as a result of it and as I have said I have initiated almost all of the communication with his teachers.  Last night, when he came home with his agenda (something they are required to keep to track their assignments) actually filled out - he admitted that one of his teachers helped him with it and is going to check his agenda every day before he leaves class.  So maybe they are starting to take notice and do something extra for him.  But I wanted to hear what others are getting out of their 504 that they didn't get without one.  We had a lot of meetings last year with his teachers and with the school psychologist and I told them repeatedly that he just needs a little extra guidance to make sure he knows what to do in class and at home, make sure homework gets turned in and homework that is passed out ends up in his school binder.  For all that talk I never could get any of the teachers to do these things.

One other thing - I have been really against "special ed" for my son.  He is very smart and already has enough social issues, so my thought is putting him in with the special needs kids would just make him feel even more of an outcast and two, put him in with kids with learning disabilities and hold him back even further.  If our school had a program for ADHD/Aspergers kids I would be the first to sign him up - but they don't.  We live in a smaller town in a more rural area and they just don't have the programs available to him like we did when we lived in a more urban area.  I already transfer him into a better district than the one we live in, because our district is AWFUL...but this one is only marginally better.