Handed him over to his Father... | ADHD Information

Kathy:

Can you do me a favour? You have really good things to say, but the paragraphs are so long I am missing some of it. If you break them up, it's easier for me [and others] to follow what you are saying. Especially those of us with cognitive struggles. Thanks!

[QUOTE=LonerGirl]

I handed my 8 year old over and I don't know if I made the right decision. I know we need at least a temporary break, but what does it mean when you can no longer stand your own child?

Handed him over to who exactly, his dad? Oops sorry, saw it was dad later in the post

BooYaBooYa!
ATTENTION ALL MOMS!
Before you completely drive yourselves nuts there is not one mom on this planet who has not said before going to sleep,
"Thank you God for not letting me kill that brat today!"

And no matter how much we try to watch our tongues, sometimes on a bad day, we are going to say something we regret.

Welcome to the human race--it's surprising we've survived as a species

You may well need a break. Nobody can blame you for that. Especially if the little fella is out-of-control and driving everyone nuts.

The last several weeks have been a nightmare. While he has improved at school, once he gets off the bus he becomes a monster. To make a long story short it was discussed with his doctor and she suggested only upping the dose. I was skeptical...with good reason obvious. He is taking long lasting vyvanse and it hasn't helped a day since he started taking it almost two months ago.

I thought Vyvanse was supposed to kick in more quickly than two months? Is it wearing off after 8 hours?

Did the doc try any other meds to see how he responded?

Obviously it's not the med for him or not the dose and your family is paying the price.

This weekend was the straw that broke the camles back. He stole money and when confronted he verbally attacked and accused everyone of keeping money from him. He threw things at me, kicked the dog, cussed and fussed nearly all weekend. I had taken his allowance away, grounded him from friends, took the TV away and told him if he continued I would discuss with his father about grounding him when he is there. Nothing detered his behaviour. He seemed not to care at all. After a long weekend I snapped. He yelled something about hating me and I screamed, "I hate you too you stupid kid!"

Well, we all have moments. As long as we don't make a habit of them and try to fix it and not do it anymore. Make sure you give the little fella your heartfelt apologies and tell him why it was wrong to say that--so he learns that when he is wrong, he has to make it up, too. Modeling, modeling, modeling.

It sounds like a particularly difficult weekend for everyone.

It also sounds like he needs his meds changed. Immediately.

I knew something was wrong. I have felt so much pressure and his father only helps when it is convenient for him. In a nutshell his Dad has him around 12 hrs. out of the week and every other weekend he has him for 12 hours. When I have confronted him before he claims the child is fine at his house, the whole denial thing. So Sunday when he came to get him I handed my son over. I said, "I need a week to clear my head and decide what I am going to do. I can't handle him anymore. He doesn't listen to me and I feel hopeless." His Dad gave me a hug and told me I was doing a good job, etc etc, but he would keep him until further notice and for me to decide if I want him living here or not.

You NEED this break. No matter what Dad says, you are stuck with this 24/7 and you are the one that is suffering along with d/s. Dad needs to get on board or shut up. At least Dad is about to get an eye-opener and there might be some small consolation in that.

I cried all evening and I am just heartsick, but as a single working Mom I can't take it anymore and he certainly doesn't need some screaming crazy Mom either. I feel I have failed him. I don't know what to do. I see his psychiatrist on Wednesday but in 4 years nothing has really changed. I hate what ADHD does to my life, my family. I hate it!

Of course you're upset and heartsick.

You *want* to be a good mom but you're stressed out and trying to hold it all together. It's a train wreck looking for a place to happen

You see the little fella suffer, he's driving everyone batsh*t and it's not getting better.

[/QUOTE]

Either this medication is increasing the problems or there's more going on with the little fella than ADHD.

Until his medical situation is straightened around you need to do, what you need to do, to get your own emotional stuff under control. And that means therapy for YOU, so YOU can unload.

When you see the psych, see if he won't at least change this child's medication regime and possibly have the little fella reassessed because it's obvious from your crisis that this routine is NOT working for anyone

MetisRebel39771.5909837963If his dad hasn't had to deal with him for 48 hours straight, it is about time
he did! No way your son can hold it together that long, and his dad needs to
see what he is really like. When my son's dad left me, he took DS for a week,
and he lasted just three days!! Other family members who questioned me
got the pleasure of his company for a weekend and were a lot more
sympathetic after that. Some people just have to see for themselves. I'll bet
you hear from your ex, oh, on the third school day.

I handed my 8 year old over and I don't know if I made the right decision. I know we need at least a temporary break, but what does it mean when you can no longer stand your own child?

Lonergirl,

how do I start here....first of all...I am also a single mother. I have two boys, one with ADHD. The father is like an every other weekend sitter who does all the fun stuff and is great while I deal with the real issues. He also doesn't believe in ADHD. Question 1: when was the separation between you and his dad? Could his anger be part of that? Ques 2: when was your son diagnosed?

I know how you feel. The guilt that eats you raw. The feeling of being a horrible mother who can't seem to help. Feeling like your kid is driving you crazy and then no matter how much you want to react to them in the right way, you end up saying things you regret and reacting to them in a way that might make you think YOU need meds. LOL. Your sons behavior needs to be addressed and you can start by changing that med....sounds like it's not right and may make things worse as the previous post expressed. Ask the doc - preferrably a phychiatrist. Your son sounds very angry too. His family isn't together, he has no control over himself and he knows it. Remember that our children know that they can behave badly at times and say mean things because they know that we love them anyway..no matter what. How about some family therapy? You and him? Let him know how much you love him...even though he has undesirable behaviors at times, tell him you know that's not HIM. HE is a wonderful, caring boy who loves his family. I would take a couple days to make dr. appts., do reasearch and find a therapist. I think you should tell your son he stayed with dad one or two days extra because you weren't feeling well. (the flu or whatever, not sick from him) and bring him back home. It WILL get better. Tell him you're going to make sure that you help him with his feelings and that you and he both are going to talk to someone who likes to listen and help people. Let him know that you can tell her/him anything good or bad about how we feel and no matter how much you say you hate me, I love you and I know you don't mean it. He needs your reassurance even though it doesn't feel that way to you. In my opinion, mothers know how to tune in and help their children - even if we have to go thru hell to do it. Persevere with him, let him know you're not leaving his side. You said dad is in denial - that's not going to help your son. Maybe he belongs home with you....find a med that works better, find a therapist to help you BOTH thru this time. I'm sorry you feel so bad....it doesn't make you a bad mother. Just an exhausted one. Get back up on the horse and tell him he's a good person and you love him and you guys are going to work it out together. I wish you the very best....stay strong!!!! I hope I haven't overstepped with my advice. Just want what's best for our kids. I think you know deep, deep down inside that YOU are what's best for him. You will help him find the right doc, med and family therapist....You obviously want to help this child or you wouldn't be this distraught. You have not failed him - you just needed a minute to breakdown and regroup. You're human!

Oh Noooooo, not the dreaded Vyvanse!!!! It turned my ADHD ds into a little devil as well last year. Everyone I know hates it. I made my hubby try it afterwards and he said it was pure hell--hence having our kids act out b/c they do not understand what is happening biochemically inside. I would suggest non-time released drugs. My 7 yr old takes 7.5 generic adyrall on tests days (usually Mon and Fri) only. He has matured so much from the nightmare of first grade. I think he was acting out a bit b/c we moved last year and he had to leave his comfort zone ;( It was like something just clicked right before school started. We took him off meds completely during the summer and just let him play out all his energy--which seems endless ;) He still is hyper and talkative but he is more aware of himself and thinks about his actions. So far so good.

But honey I feel your pain. I was prego last year and going through our first year of diagnosed severe ADHD!!!! I cried, screamed, gave up, got back up and slowly got it together. It truly takes a whole village to raise a child. Don't give up but if you feel a break will be healthy as the mom you know your child and situation best. Good Luck, keep us posted on the progress.

quixote:

Let's take bets.

I say dad will last 'til day 4 just to prove he's right about the kid not needing meds.

He'll be in screaming lunacy by the weekend

WOW i couldn't have read this post any sooner your son sounds like my daughter. And I am a divorced mom that was a single mom that is no remarried with a new baby. I feel for you hun I feel the same way...they disrupt the entire house and everyone else in the house is on edge. Her 10 year old sister cant be in her own room sometimesd or has to have supper by herself. It is a nightmare and I finally am going to get a second opinion and make sure something gets done! I also know your frustrations you are dealing with the father...the "weekend parents" don't get the true taste of the child behavior like we do. My child has gotten physical, and screams, and throws things as well. I just maintain my cool (doesnt always work) and let them look like the fool as I was told. Then we are both not reacting to the situation. I know what you mean about almost hating your child as I am the same way. I am so fed up with it that it has gotten to the point she goes to a home or goes to live with her dad... if anyone has any ideals on how to help it would be great. And I know Loner Girl would appreciate it as well. DON"T WORRY HUN YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH WHAT SEEMS LIKE HELL

i too am a single mom. i have 2 boys 1 has adhd. his dad would always tell me that he was wonderful with him not problems at all. when he would leave my house all hell would break loose. he would be running around being loud not listening hitting kicking and throwing tantrums left and right. the tantrums got so bad that he was starting to be physical and trying to hurt himself. i finally said i cant deal with this anymore and said i didnt care what dad thought that he was getting seen by someone to see what was going on. (he was also being horrible in daycare) he got diagnosed and was put on guanfacine. it is amazing!! i didnt get any bad reports from daycare and he was able to sit at the table and eat with me and my mom and other son for dinner without having to yell and scream. my house was finally getting to be alittle like a normal house. we just upped the med from 12 tab to a full tab once a day.

I sooo just sat here crying my eyes out reading this. telling myself that I didnt make my child this way and it's okay to not wanna be around him sometimes. I am so glad to hear all of you, to know that I may be the single mom doing the raising but I am NOT alone knowing that ya'll are going through it also.......thank you thank you thank you. I wish you all the best

I suggest guilt-ridden moms read some Erma Bombeck books.

She talked a lot about her imperfections, how she often resented her kids, how much they drove her crazy and how much she loved them.

She also wrote about how relieved she felt when they left home for college and how much she enjoyed her revenge when they started having children

And she will make you laugh too

When I was a kid my mom would read Erma Bombeck and laugh until she
cried... thanks for the memory.

Please know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I had to be out of town Tues. and Wed., and Mon. night I snapped -- again -- at how awful my kids are acting. I actually said, "I'm so glad that I'm leaving town for a couple of days b/c I can't wait to be away from the two of you. I hate being with you and I'll be glad to be gone." It was the truth, but I regretted telling them that.

I'm glad that you're recognizing you need a break from him and that you're taking care of yourself.

I don't understand why the dr. is pushing this med. if you've never seen any improvement on it. It's one thing to start on a low dose and to see very slight improvement, but not enough, and then it makes sense to keep increasing the dose. However, if you've seen no improvement, then it seems it's not the right med. for him.

I left my children's father in 2004 because he wouldn't work, wouldn't take care of the kids properly (i.e. not changing dirty diapers, leaving wet ones on wayyy too long, not feeding them properly, I could go on), and wouldn't keep the house clean while I was trying to support all 4 of us on McDonald's pay. Because I was very young and naive when I married him, I was still very naive when I left him I made the mistake of going to stay with a guy friend where I thought he'd never find me but did.

Strictly platonic relationship, but in SC all you have to prove to get adultery charges brought up is opportunity. This guy was in the military and being involved in an adultery case would really screw with his career, so I let ex blackmail me into letting him have temporary custody of the kids Besides, I wanted him to find out what it was like to *really* have to take care of them, because no one else was around to pick up the slack. He did mature some, but got remarried, and every time he and his wife had problems, he would ask me to "keep the boys for a while".

Last summer I had them all summer, then before school started I asked him if they could live with me. He agreed, and judging by various comments and actions during the course of the school year, I thought it was permanant. During this time, my yongest son was diagnosed with ADHD. *I* was the one that brought it up to the doctor (because when we were married, I brought it up and he wouldn't believe me) *I* had to deal with all the behavior issues, and *I* was the one that switched meds 4 times before finally find one that worked. He came to get them the weekend before the 4th of July for what was supposed to be a week, but turned into him telling me that he though I was "overwhelmed" and he was keeping them. I was crushed, then decided I'd had enough of the back and forth (when he was with for the whole year last year was the first time my 4th grader completed a whole grade at the same school), and hired a lawyer.

We finally reached an agreement out of court that I would have the oldest and he would keep the youngest, because of extreme sibling rivalry affecting younger son's independence and self-esteem. Things are much calmer here now, my oldest son has ADHD, but more the inattentive type than the *severe* combined type that his brother has, and I am much less stressed, but at times I still feel like I abandoned my other son. His father is doing much better by him, he has an IEP at the school where he is, and is getting special ed a few hours a week to help him catch up with his peers, he seems happy, and he is even staying at the same school until next year even though they have moved to a different school district (this time the move isn't ex's fault, his house burned down), but I still feel guilty. It's nice to know that other moms have the same feelings!
I once yelled at a foster kid and my ex:

"Tonight, I am going to the pub with my friend. If, when I get back, you two are still arguing and this house still looks like a train wreck--I will walk in the door, throw my underwear in my purse, jump back in my friend's car and have her drive me to Vancouver NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!"

We have soooooo all done this

[QUOTE=litlcntrygrl]

We finally reached an agreement out of court that I would have the oldest and he would keep the youngest, because of extreme sibling rivalry affecting younger son's independence and self-esteem. Things are much calmer here now, my oldest son has ADHD, but more the inattentive type than the *severe* combined type that his brother has, and I am much less stressed, but at times I still feel like I abandoned my other son. His father is doing much better by him, he has an IEP at the school where he is, and is getting special ed a few hours a week to help him catch up with his peers, he seems happy, and he is even staying at the same school until next year even though they have moved to a different school district (this time the move isn't ex's fault, his house burned down), but I still feel guilty. It's nice to know that other moms have the same feelings!
[/QUOTE]

As much as you are pained by this decision it sounds like the best solution for now.

These are two hard-to-raise children and in this case, splitting them up and de-stressing both households sounds like both parents made the best decision in the interests of both children.

It may not be a Brady Bunch solution but it sounds much more practical, in the long run.

However, hubby does not sound trustworthy so I am hoping you have all the legal paperwork to back this decision up?
Part of the struggle with ADHD is that the kid 'just doesn't get it'.

That drives parents, and everyone around them, nuts.

One of the studies I read [wish I knew where I found this one] was high-end ADHD people compared to 'normal' people:
Feel less pleasure when praised
Feel less satisfaction when they complete a taskFeel less satisfaction when rewardedHave more trouble connecting the dots between unwanted behaviour and unwanted consequencesOften feel that punishment is unwarranted because they can't relate/remember what the fuss was about in the first placeHave a greater need for stimulationHave lower maturity levels because they can't absorb nuanced social cuesAre less able to connect planning with goalsHave less problem-solving ability
Have a greater need for a structured environment
Now if you think about that--how hard is it for the parent or anyone else to deal with all of this?

Top it off with only one working parent in the house out of economic necessity which often means a financially struggling household as well.

How frustrating must that be? How much guilt for less-than-perfection are you feeling?

Give yourselves some credit single moms!

Your households may not the Brady Bunch but then look what happened to those kids off camera

THANK YOU so much Metis Rebel....it was nice to read your post with the list in it regarding adhd. Sometimes we just need a check once in awhile to make us realize it isnt their fault and we arent alone. I enjoy all the helpfull advise on here and hope that one day it will work for more then 2-3 weeks on my daughter. Does anyone else have this trouble....when it comes to behavior trouble?tg1019:

That sounds pretty common. It's the "honeymoon phase" for two weeks. Then the testing behaviour starts and you begin wondering if it's the best solution for you.

Find a method that works given your household situation or the closest variation you can find.

Some fine tuning, because all households are different, will always be necessary.

With some adjustments, try to stick with your behaviour plan.

Remember, these are kids that aren't stupid and can figure out the holes in your plan, or your desire to implement that plan, pretty quickly

No plan is perfect. No kid is perfect and no parent is perfect.

If, after 3 months, you are getting 80% compliance you are rocking!