"Get a LIFE" | ADHD Information

I also see both sides of the coin. In middle school
my son has nine teachers, and some of them are
just plain insensitive. I am furious at some of the
things they say and do, and have complained loudly.

However, I have now started to pull back a bit. I just
can't cure everyone. I have also told my son that
sometimes you just have to get past an insensitive
teacher. I have encouraged him to advocate for
himself, but have also told him to pick his battles.

I would also say that no teacher has ever proactively
admitted they were wrong, so I actually am
impressed with the teacher in this case. I think that
most teachers just hope that the child will forget
about the issue and not tell their parents.

Lastly, I will admit that as a parent, there are many
things that I wish I could take back.I'm sorry that I don't see "both sides of the coin" here. Not at all. My son is TEN and his teacher is a teacher. Of course us "parents" have all said things that we would love to take back and we do take those things we said back either out of anger or frustration and apologize. However we don't actually say things that would EMBARRASS our kids in front of an entire classroom. I would never ever say something to 'any' child that would embarrass him/her in front of other children. Period. Look...his teacher apologized. I'm glad she did. However she really had NO choice in my eyes. She knows my son tells us everything (especially if he feels he's been wronged by someone)

My son is over it and I'm glad he is. He handled this way better than I thought he would. I on the other hand have NOT replied to her emails (yes she is continuing to send emails) - I really just don't know what to say to her. Feelings of mistrust are still there...feelings of "how could she" are still there.

As far as my son is concerned everything is fine and that's the way I think it needs to be (in his eyes/ears) because she is his teacher.

I still think she is looking out for herself and her job!! I don't trust her. I am glad that your son has moved on, he needs to since he sees her daily. But as adults, we all know what she did was just plain wrong.

Keep an eye on her!!!!

Maybe she's sending daily updates so you can track better? [QUOTE=MetisRebel]Why would she still be sending emails unless it is about something else?

????

Anyway, you're right. For the child, it's over. And you are being watchful.

All makes sense to me...
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The emails? Well...it's kinda weird (but I guess in a good way). She sent me an email saying that my son had a great day! Here it is and you tell me what you think. This is a first by the way.

EMAIL AS FOLLOWS: DEC. 2nd, 2008

Good Morning,

Paul had an excellent day yesterday. Sorry that I didn’t get to let you know yesterday. Hectic first day back. He told me he wants to have a great week. He is off to a great start. Have a good day. Miss****

END EMAIL:

Note: I have 'no clue' what she means by "sorry that I didn't get to let you know yesterday" - that was kinda weird...but I'm glad he had a great day!

Why would she still be sending emails unless it is about something else?

????

Anyway, you're right. For the child, it's over. And you are being watchful.

All makes sense to me...

I can see both sides of the coin on this one. I was raised to respect teachers and adults, but am old enought now to know that both deserve respect only if they have earned it. If this teacher was my son's she would have lost my respect, but would earn some back by going through with the public apology. It is true, we teachers are human and can make mistakes. Who knows what might be going on in her personal life that left her emotionally short that day and she said something that she might normally not have? That being said she took the adult route and worked through the apology in front of two groups of 10 year olds who are now learning how to account for their actions when they have done wrong. I hope that the teacher keeps up that practice and if she over hears someone in her classes saying something mean that a public apology or a private one if no one else overheard the incident becomes standard practice in her room. I myself have in the heat of the moment said things that I should not have and once we are all calm I talk to my son and apologize and we discuss how we both could have done things better. What parent of a child with ADHD has not found themselves frustrated to the point of insanity???? If there is someone out there let me know so that I can learn from you!

As I think about this and transfer it to my own son and his current (whom my husband and I do NOT like) and past teachers, I just pray that no one has said anything like this to my son. I pray he would tell us, but I'm just not sure. What about all those kids out there whose parents would not believe them or care? Or those teachers like the one from another post that made a child write a horrible note home to Mom and Dad. It is hard enough for children without issues like ADHD to navigate this sometimes cruel world and not end up an adult with crater sized holes in their self-esteem. It is doubly hard for our kids.

I'm glad that things ended up positive and wish you well. Happy Thanksgiving!

MetisRebel:
Yes she agreed to apologize to him IN FRONT of the kids that she said this in front of. I was going to go with him to the class...however I have decided against that. On the phone she was apologizing to me...I told her it wasn't me that she needed to apologize to and handed the phone to my son. She then told him she didn't want him to take it too hard! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? SHE (his main teacher) embarrassed the crap outta him and she doesn't want him to take it too hard? Anyway, she's going to apologize in person as I stated earlier...it just pisses me off. The real deal is that we ALWAYS stand with "what the teacher says goes" and when he gets home (my son) we talk about it. I have lost respect for her. How do I work through that?
Oh common occurrence? Not sure...not for my son anyway. Well I'm glad she's going to follow through with the public apology.

I'm not sure there's anything to "work through" at this point, really.

See how you feel after d/s comes home and tells you about his apology

My son is 10 years old and his teacher told him (in front of the entire class that LAUGHED at this comment!) to "get a life." She emailed me about it and here's the email. I have not responded to her email, however she also called me as soon as I walked in the door.

Here's her email:

Ms. ********,

By the time you get to read this you will all ready have talked to Paul. I think I embarrassed him really badly and it wasn’t meant to, I just wanted to tease him a little. Apparently he was whining in Mr. *******’s class about wanting the toy car that one of the speakers brought in for the students yesterday. It was to the point that my class had to be interrupted by a student to come and get them. I told him jokingly “to get a life” and he shouldn’t have been obsessed with that all day. I feel badly because he looked upset and that wasn’t my goal. Please call me. **********

I’m sorry. Miss **********

So I ask you here what would you have said to this teacher?

I would ask her to apologize to him in front of the same people she embarrassed him in front of, for these reasons:
It models the correct behaviour to all the children of what to do if they make hurtful social gaffes/ This is particularly important modeling for an ADHD child who may blunder frequently
It will smooth the troubled waters between your son and the teacherIt will show the other kids why they shouldn't pick on each otherIt shows all the kids that sometimes, adults are not infallible and neither are authority figures such as teachers and that everything on the planet is not 'their fault'
The resolution between your son and the teacher shows all the children that there are ways to work out their problems that don't involve any more hurt
She obviously cares enough to be very concerned about it and that's a good sign.

MetisRebel:

I have spoken with her via phone and did request that she apologize to him IN FRONT of the very kids that she embarrassed him in front of. Furthermore to let the entire class know that she isn't perfect and infact does make mistakes too...however HOW to handle them correctly (when made) is key.
Thanks so much for your post. It helped allot.
Oh as far as her being concerned?
I happen to think she was more concerned for her JOB rather than for my son.
Well that may be but I doubt she'd get in much trouble for that particular comment.

Some teachers say much worse things on a daily basis, unfortunately and get away with it

Is this a common occurance?

Did she agree to apologize the d/s?
If obsessing is a problem for him (and it probably isn't or she would have
been on guard) then she might talk to him and work out a signal of some
sort, some way she can let him know he is over the line without pointing it
out to the world. I used to ask my son "are you getting stuck?" and it really
would help him "come back" sometimes.Maybe you could suggest this to her?

It might even help her deal with other struggling kids.

It may have started off with the teacher thinking your son was whining, but look who is the REAL whiner!!!

I would mention that to your son, he is 10 and knows what is "going on" and needs to know it!!

I am glad to read her squirming, and I agree with you, she is worried about her job.

Keep the email, letter, any documentation, just in case there are other incidents with your son or others that you hear about - they may need your help as well!!

I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts/responses/replies.

Update on this issue.
The teacher did apologize to both classes (morning and afternoon) and sent me an email acknowledging this. Here's her email:

Ms. *******,

I apologized to Paul in front of both classes today. I wanted to let you know again how sorry I am. Paul had a great day today for me. He worked very hard and didn’t get one warning during class time. I hope that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving break with your family.

Miss ******

Note: His teacher LIED about his day. He 'did' get "warnings" several times for "calling out" - however she is saying he didn't. I have no clue as to why she would say he didn't get "one warning during class" when in fact my own son said he was warned several times. Gessssssssh...I'm thankful that she did the right thing by apologizing.

I asked my SON how he felt since she apologized and he said that he was fine with it. He said one of the kids in the afternoon class did laugh, but it was because the way the teacher explained it. She said that sometimes we wish we had a net to grab words and take them back. We can't.

Final note: She owned it. In other words I will bet she will watch "how" she speaks to ALL students now. Excellent

What he's calling "warnings" might be different from what she thinks of as"warnings"?

She may think of "warnings" as "official" whereas she was "reminding" him not to call out--which doesn't go on any record and thus does not earn him any demerits or whatever system they use.

She used a good analogy for the kids to understand. That will help.

Exactly. She owned it.

How are you with that now?

uggg, that would piss me right off. I think she DOES need to apologize to him in front of everyone. But to say that he is taking it too hard tells me that she is feeling bad but doesn't want to make a bigger stink of it than it needs to be for her sake. Screw her.MetisRebel,

As for the "warnings" I'm certainly not going to 'press' that issue. You're right, he might think of warnings as something different. I'm just thankful he had a great day and he wasn't stressed about the apology situation.
How am I with it?
I'm fine with the exception that I feel the administration "needs" to be aware of what she's done (i've not contacted them yet, nor have I replied to her emails).
I've lost 'some' respect for her because not only is she a teacher, she's a parent! I'm struggling with this but the main thing is that my son has to see her everyday, not me. My son thinks I've dropped it and moved on; which was my goal for him to do. He has. Me...we'll see.
Ok, I will probably get some back lash for this but...is she and has she been a good teacher besides this comment? My point is that we are all human and have a hard time ourselves with our kids sometimes. I've said stuff on the spur of the monet that I've wished I could take back. Could it be she really is sorry? We all make mistakes and can't expect any teacher to always be perfect. I say unless she's an ogre then cut her some slack. Hope I'm not offending you!

This could have woken her up to some of your son's issues and maybe he will have a better experience with her becasue of it. ? [QUOTE=omgiamgoingnuts]MetisRebel,

As for the "warnings" I'm certainly not going to 'press' that issue. You're right, he might think of warnings as something different. I'm just thankful he had a great day and he wasn't stressed about the apology situation.
How am I with it?
I'm fine with the exception that I feel the administration "needs" to be aware of what she's done (i've not contacted them yet, nor have I replied to her emails).
I've lost 'some' respect for her because not only is she a teacher, she's a parent! I'm struggling with this but the main thing is that my son has to see her everyday, not me. My son thinks I've dropped it and moved on; which was my goal for him to do. He has. Me...we'll see.
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I think waiting is your best option here, so I think you're being smart about it

Remember as parents, we tend to take a hurt to our kid pretty hard because we want to protect them from harm. It's natural that the little fella might get over it more quickly than you will. {I had four foster kids at different times. Have my share of battle scars LOL}

Watch for patterns. Patterns always repeat. If she really thinks this way, she'll do it again. If it just popped out of her mouth during an unaware moment--it's unlikely she'll repeat it.

I'm so glad she apologized publicly. It sounds as if the little fella really took it in, in a good way.

[QUOTE=Wyatt's Mom] This could have woken her up to some of your son's issues and maybe he will have a better experience with her becasue of it. ?[/QUOTE]

That's what I'd hope for as well. It might actually be sort of a 'healing' experience all the 'way around.

When was the last time you heard of a teacher publicly announcing s/he hurt an ADHD kid's feelings and that the KID was right to be upset?

Most people just brush aside kid's feelings. Mom didn't do that and teacher didn't do that.

Actually I kind of think the little fella handled it well too--by saying "that hurt" rather than run away or smack the kid next to him or freaking out.

Mom did a good job by staying calm and asking for a public apology.

Teacher did well by publicly apologizing and explaining to the kids that we all say bad things sometimes and that we need to own up to it.

All around--I'd say everyone did a FINE job

For the child

For the mom

For the teacher

MetisRebel39774.4344444444 [QUOTE=Wyatt's Mom]Ok, I will probably get some back lash for this but...is she and has she been a good teacher besides this comment? My point is that we are all human and have a hard time ourselves with our kids sometimes. I've said stuff on the spur of the monet that I've wished I could take back. Could it be she really is sorry? We all make mistakes and can't expect any teacher to always be perfect. I say unless she's an ogre then cut her some slack. Hope I'm not offending you!

This could have woken her up to some of your son's issues and maybe he will have a better experience with her becasue of it. ?[/QUOTE]

Wyatts's Mom:
No backlash from me here. I do think she's truly sorry for saying what she did. As far as waking HER up...are you kidding me? SHE is the teacher..he is the STUDENT. What I hope to come out of this is is quite simple. I wanted HER to feel 3 inches tall the way she made MY son feel. Is this me being mean? Perhaps. But what she did was mean. Yes she apologized and as long as my son doesn't catch any flack from 'other' kids that thought her "get a life" comment was so hysterically funny then I'll be fine. I've said this before...I do hold teachers to higher standards. THEY of all people should know HOW to talk to kids, even perhaps better than some parents do. You've not offended me in any way. Thanks for your thoughts.
[QUOTE=MetisRebel] [QUOTE=Wyatt's Mom] This could have woken her up to some of your son's issues and maybe he will have a better experience with her becasue of it. ?[/QUOTE]

That's what I'd hope for as well. It might actually be sort of a 'healing' experience all the 'way around.

When was the last time you heard of a teacher publicly announcing s/he hurt an ADHD kid's feelings and that the KID was right to be upset?

Most people just brush aside kid's feelings. Mom didn't do that and teacher didn't do that.

Actually I kind of think the little fella handled it well too--by saying "that hurt" rather than run away or smack the kid next to him or freaking out.

Mom did a good job by staying calm and asking for a public apology.

Teacher did well by publicly apologizing and explaining to the kids that we all say bad things sometimes and that we need to own up to it.

All around--I'd say everyone did a FINE job

For the child

For the mom

For the teacher

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Ummmmm actually my didn't handle it very well at that VERY moment. He was holding a toy truck in his hand and when she said this...he said he was CRUSHING the car in his hand. Yikes! Yes he was mad..but more embarrassed and hurt more than anything else. I am totally pleased with my son's reaction. He did NOT throw the truck at her...(wink) instead he did storm off...without a word, but she got the message.
Anywho...I thank you all for the replies/responses.
Main thing I think to that the teacher learns from this...oh and I do believe she has. My son? He's actually a "happy go lucky" kinda guy. He normally would hold a grudge for a LONG time...not the case this time and for that I am so thankful because she is his teacher.
I think that's a pretty good reaction for an ADHD kid. I mean, he walked away and isn't that what we *want* them to do--until they can figure out an acceptable response?

I thought that was pretty mature for his age, just like you do

I think the apology took a lot of sting out of the grudge for him. Hey an authority figure publicly apologizing to you? I'm not sure I'd be as mature as he is about it--I'd be tempted to gloat

Looks like you're starting to see it in a brighter lights too

Well done

MetisRebel39774.4836111111 [QUOTE=Buggy]OMG, This really burns me!!!! I think I would yank him from the class. Life is too short to deal with idiot teachers when there are so many that are good and would never do something as cruel as this. I would go the Principle and complain, complain complain...and then point out that I am paying her paycheck.

I am sorry for you, your son did great. I would have not been so calm.

[/QUOTE]
Wow, harsh. The teacher took at least some responsibility for her mistake, and she was proactive about it rather than waiting for potential backlash from the parent. A lot of teachers would have pretended nothing happened unless the parent started making a fuss, and then they would have gone into mega-defensive mode. A lot of teachers would have harshly disciplined the kid for walking out, or tried to twist the situation around to make it look like it was totally his fault. THIS teacher realised she had made a mistake and took whatever reasonable steps she could think of to deal with it.

As adults who deal with children on a daily basis, we have to be super duper aware of what comes out of our mouths at all times. One offhand comment or mistaken joke can have devastating emotional results, and it's hard to anticipate them. We tend to forget how much weight our words carry with the kids who look up to us.

I certainly wouldn't be yanking the kid out of school or harassing and bullying the principal -- what kind of message does that send the child about conflict resolution?

I think that mom, son, and teacher all did a good job dealing with a potentially very bad situation.
OMG, This really burns me!!!! I think I would yank him from the class. Life is too short to deal with idiot teachers when there are so many that are good and would never do something as cruel as this. I would go the Principle and complain, complain complain...and then point out that I am paying her paycheck.

I am sorry for you, your son did great. I would have not been so calm.

Okay...I am definitely not going to be liked by everyone but honestly I will just have to be okay with that. So read this if you would like or ignore. It won't hurt my feelings. I just have seen too many adults take things to the extreme. How can this be healthy for our children?

I know this was a bad situation. I feel terribly for this boy. I, however, wonder if things would of been better just left as is, with a simple and sincere apology by the teacher to the child and the parent. What does it honestly matter if it was public or not? Was this public apology for the boy or for the parent? I think as parents we should think carefully about this.

I also know and believe that teachers should be accountable for their actions. I think if she were not sincerely concerned she would of never made the call to the original poster. Again, a person who has a negative state of mind and no conscious would never had made a call in the first place. I don't think she was worried about her job. I think she was honestly disappointed in herself and wanted to make sure the boy was okay as well. We all are human and we all make mistakes. Teachers included. I don't think any of us can say we are perfect . I know I can't.

I know that we as parents need to stand up for our children within reason. I know that we as parents need to be accountable for our actions just as the teacher does. I, however, don't believe that 2 wrongs make a right. Attacking this woman is not going to help this boy or her. Why can't we just learn to work with one another rather than to work against?

I think this teacher honestly made a mistake that she wishes she could take back. I honestly don't think she would of made a public apology if she hadn't felt bad. Teachers are not paid enough to be ridiculed and slandered.

I happen to know that working together for the betterment of our children is the best thing we can do. Our children deserve better from all of us. We have to be grown up and handle these situations maturely. How else will our children learn?

4myson39774.8832407407 [QUOTE=4myson]

[/QUOTE]

4myson:
I know this was a bad situation. I feel terribly for this boy. I, however, wonder if things would of been better just left as is, with a simple and sincere apology by the teacher to the child and the parent. What does it honestly matter if it was public or not? Was this public apology for the boy or for the parent? I think as parents we should think carefully about this.

4myson:
I felt the public apology was warranted since she took it upon herself to humiliate and embarrass my son in front of her entire class. Yes I wanted her to "own" what she had said. She used her apology to actually teach a short little lesson about "how you can't take back words, but you can apologize." Listen, this teacher screwed up...plain and simple. It was VERY bad in my opinion and since I am the parent then I think what I did was justified in asking that this teacher apologize in the classroom. As a parent I did think carefully. I think this teacher surely learned a lesson from it.
Last thought: You said that teachers aren't paid enough to be ridiculed and slandered. You are correct. However they are also paid to DO A JOB - not speak to our children as though they have NO feelings! I have always stood behind the teachers..always. This time was the first time I've ever had to deal with something like this ... from an adult. HAD it not been his teacher and had just been some "joe blow" then I would probably have just told my son that the person who said this was stupid and didn't know better. I very well couldn't do that now could I? He still has to respect her.
omgiamgoingnuts39775.3200694444 [QUOTE=kalstolyn]
Wow, harsh. The teacher took at least some responsibility for her mistake, and she was proactive about it rather than waiting for potential backlash from the parent. A lot of teachers would have pretended nothing happened unless the parent started making a fuss, and then they would have gone into mega-defensive mode. A lot of teachers would have harshly disciplined the kid for walking out, or tried to twist the situation around to make it look like it was totally his fault. THIS teacher realised she had made a mistake and took whatever reasonable steps she could think of to deal with it.

As adults who deal with children on a daily basis, we have to be super duper aware of what comes out of our mouths at all times. One offhand comment or mistaken joke can have devastating emotional results, and it's hard to anticipate them. We tend to forget how much weight our words carry with the kids who look up to us.

I certainly wouldn't be yanking the kid out of school or harassing and bullying the principal -- what kind of message does that send the child about conflict resolution?

I think that mom, son, and teacher all did a good job dealing with a potentially very bad situation.
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kalostyn:
His teacher knows that he tells me everything. She also knows that as a parent we stand behind her with the utmost respect for her and our son should do the same. I can only hope this teacher learned a valuable lesson and doesn't let something like this happen again. I must admit that I've lost 'some' respect for her, but my son has no clue that I have and I plan to keep it that way. I'm thankful that this teacher did in fact apologize in front of the class just like she humiliated and embarrassed my son in front of the class.
Final note: She knows that he's overly sensitive. By her saying this to him could have been very damaging. It was handled the way I thought was best for my son to be able to go to school and not be told "get a life" by other kids that thought it was cool and funny because the TEACHER said it. I do wonder how many kids went home and told their parents that their teacher told another kid to "get a life." That should be interesting.