Need to vent | ADHD Information

Sometimes I dont know if I take things to personally when it comes to comments that are made to me about my son or not. But I do feel that all the same, these comments dont need to be made at all. I'm sure that you fellow mothers of children with adhd deal with this the same as me. These are mostly from people who do not know my sons condition or that he even has one. I think they assume that he's just a brat or a kid that has parents who have completely lost control.

For example, tonight I was at my mother and father in laws house for an early thanksgiving feast. To be honest, I dont care to go there with my DS because they get very uptight about him touching things or the possibility of him breaking anything or the loud noise. We try to control it the best we can when we are there, but he just gets so wound up that its hard. Well tonight there were 9 uptight adults there and at 5 different times comments were made to me or my husband about our son. comments like......

Boy did you inject him with pure sugar before you brought him here?

Were is David, it's quiet all the sudden?

Does he ever wear out?

Does he ever just sit still?

I dont think i've ever seen a kid as hyper as him before.

I give them attitude when they make these snide comments, but the problem is they dont realize how it hurts me when they say such things. I take it personal. Like it's some kind of attack on me and my husbands parenting. If only they knew how many times I had mentioned before dinner tonight to my DS to be on his best behavior, make sure you say hello and goodbye to everyone...mind your manners blah blah blah blah blah blah.

With all do respect, I think my husband and I are doing a great job with our son condsidering our circumstance. He is very well behaved and sweet. We dont let him get away with anything and have no problems giving him concequences for his actions. I think he could be a whole lot worse if we were push overs.

People dont understand. I was one of those people before I had a child. I was the person that though ADHD was some kind of label to give a kid who's parents were lazy and whose kid was just a bit bratty. I had no idea (as i'm sure most people who dont have children with adhd have no idea either) what ADHD really entails. the pain and heartbreak that goes into this is indescribable. And at times wonderful. I keep his diagnosis to ourselves. At least for now I do.

Can anyone feel my pain on this issue. Thanks for listening as always ladies. I dont know what I would've done if I hadn't found this message board.

[QUOTE=stillsane]

Sounds like you had a pretty rough go of it. How did the little fella take it?

He's not "bad" he's just alternatively behaved . Too bad they can't handle the"alternative"

That's what kids DO, for heaven's sake. If he plays nicely with the cousins, I don't get the problem?

We try to control it the best we can when we are there, but he just gets so wound up that its hard. Well tonight there were 9 uptight adults there and at 5 different times comments were made to me or my husband about our son.

Do any of these 9 adults have children? If they don't and have them later, get prepared to gloat...

comments like......

Boy did you inject him with pure sugar before you brought him here?

Yes, and we laced it with arsenic. By the way, you just put some of it in your tea...

Were is David, it's quiet all the sudden?

Probably cannibalizing the cat. Do YOU want to go check on him?

Does he ever wear out?

Yes. We wind him up again. We do it when you're not looking, just to bug you.

Does he ever just sit still?

I think you're boring him. He came with a lifetime supply of duracells.

I dont think i've ever seen a kid as hyper as him before.

If it bothers you so much, we're collecting donations for his medication and therapy. Care to contribute?

I give them attitude when they make these snide comments, but the problem is they dont realize how it hurts me when they say such things.

Then say it. I know I just put funny comments above but really--try asking them sometimes, "And how do you think that comment makes me/him/us feel?

I take it personal. Like it's some kind of attack on me and my husbands parenting. If only they knew how many times I had mentioned before dinner tonight to my DS to be on his best behavior, make sure you say hello and goodbye to everyone...mind your manners blah blah blah blah blah blah.

With all do respect, I think my husband and I are doing a great job with our son condsidering our circumstance. He is very well behaved and sweet.

Then you're doing a good job. If he's not hurting anybody and he's reasonably polite and compliant--you're doing just fine. What would they say if he had Down's syndrome? "Make him stop drooling?" or something equally as thick? Of course your feelings are hurt! You see the little fella doing his best and for some people--it's not good enough

We dont let him get away with anything and have no problems giving him concequences for his actions. I think he could be a whole lot worse if we were push overs.

What would happen if you told your family the truth? Would they be more understanding? Or less?

Can anyone feel my pain on this issue. Thanks for listening as always ladies. I dont know what I would've done if I hadn't found this message board.

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If you can get even one family member onside with you--it might help. Maybe they could come here and pay attention to what adhd'ers and parents are telling them. Even one family member might make you feel more understood.

How is hubby taking it?
MetisRebel39775.8426851852

Ha I love your smart comments back to them..i'll have to remember that.

Yes some of them do have kids but they are all grown. Some dont. I knew that night was going to be a disaster beacuse none of his cousins were going to be there and it was just him.

I have a big mouth. Sometimes i cant believe what I hold back just to not start trouble because I know once I say it, it wont come out pretty. I think i'm just going to start saying something.

My in-laws know that he has ADHD. I guess I could've told those people about it, but I feel like I shouldn't have to give them a reason for his behavior. He is who he is and we do the best we can.

My husband does get irritated about it but not as much as me. He has a much healthier out look on all this which is basically if you dont like what you see you can shove it. He did make a comment that night because at one point david was having a meltdown because he wanted pie before dinner and we said no of course. In the middle of his meltdown my husbands uncle and pastor were both just staring at this and probably trying to see what my husband was going to do next. He noticed the staring and said "did you guys buy tickets?" I was so proud of him.

I know "in the moment" we don't often say the funniest things, but I thought, after your frustrating day a bit 'o humour wouldn't hurt.

I LOVE hubby's line

Sometimes "letting someone have it" isn't really the best option especially with family and all those weird dynamics

And you're right, taking the little fella when there's no one to play with doesn't make it any easier. Unless the adults get on the floor and play with him. [I hate social events. Children give me the excuse to ignore the adults and be an eejit

]

David is following my philosophy, "Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. Nobody wants their last taste on earth to be string beans."

Can I give a bit of suggestion? If you come up with a sort of thing where the kid has to wait [like dessert] see how David reacts if you say something along the lines of "Let's make a deal. How about you PICK your piece of pie and we will put your special David piece aside for you. Do you agree? [see if he negotiates for one bite

]" Put a note on it. Really. Make it official. And tell him what a big boy he was for negotiating cuz that's what big boys do--negotiate

The sooner you can get him to negotiate--the less problem he'll be as a teen

Why was he so worried about the pie? That the adults would eat it all?

As for the adults if they're looking for tickets to a power struggle--well you know where they can stuff David's official piece of pie

When I was 10 my mom started letting me "eat dessert first" as a rite of passage, as long as I ate dinner too. I always did. It was something to look forward to when I was a little kid. And I still do it sometimes.

One of the smartest things my sister [she's an ECE with special needs training] ever taught me was to say to a kid [instead of NO right off the hop] was, 'That's something you can do when you're older'. Today, we can do THIS. [like hold hands crossing the street]

I no the kind of comments you mean, i get them all the time about my son (he has ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome), I dont let the comments bother me because there not worth getting yourself in a bother about, dont get me wrong they use to but im kinda of use to it now, i think parents of children like ours have enough to do with coping with them never mind worrying what people might think or there mindless comments.

Just remember to keep your head held high and to give them answers that will shock them

It's hard to say because I don't know what the government program covers and what it doesn't. You'd be surprised how often doctors order meds that are NOT covered and then mom is using the grocery money.

It may be that the doctor is not very available [if s/he's older, health problems, more than one clinic and such like].

I'd bring mom in to discuss this. If it's possible to not make the child feel "bad" over this and get the problem solved, that would be preferable.

You really need to get to the bottom of this and being confrontational with Mom isn't going to do it, especially if Mom's experiences with school authorities aren't good.

Mom may have trouble remembering to pick them up--in which case, maybe sending a note home when she needs to pick up a new script or leaving a message might help.

It needs to be non-blaming, strictly about trying to find a solution in the best interests of the child.
MetisRebel39793.8250115741

Metis, I can't argue! She's known as the one in the family with book smarts but no common sense!

On the subject of venting, I need to bring up a gripe (I mentioned it in another post, but have since forgotten which one!) I have about giving meds. I have an ADHD child, but I also teach 2nd grade full of kids that are either on meds or need to be on meds.

My problem is I have one student who consistently is w/o meds. Looking at dates, she also seems to run out before she should. This child talks back, cannot be still, cannot focus, and becomes increasingly disrespectful when not on her meds. She is one who can be very sweet on meds, but off she can be a real pain. Someonementioned that it could be a matter of money, but I don't think so. This child is on a govt medical program that pays for the meds. When our lead teacher confronted mom about the meds, she became very defensive and said the dr is out of town. Well, we're going on 2 weeks w/o meds, and every day the behavior goes downhill. When I ask for advice, I'm told to start writing her up. I reall hate to do this, but the last time she was w/o meds that's what it took to get mom to get them. This is a child that all you need to do is mention her name and the words "no meds" and everybody winces. Her 1st grade teacher said that she had the same issues last year, and it finally got to the point she had to write the child up almost every day. Any one have any suggestions? I've tried the positive talk and feedback, but it's not working. HELP!!!!!!!!!

I agree with Metis - bring in the mom for a meeting to discuss this. Let her know that you know what is going on. If she is going through her meds before the 30 day presciption is over, then someone else is taking them. Do you think maybe she needs an increase in the dosage??

Sounds like someone needs to hold this childs hand to help her, maybe grab the mothers hand as well!!

The govt program pays for the meds. I know this b/c my daughter was on the same govt program for a while. this child has been bounced from meds to meds for years. Mom claims that the child is allergic to a lot of meds, but like the school nurse said, if she's allergic to one, she would be allergic to almost all of the meds. The child goes to a state-funded mental clinic, and has had case workers stop by and check on her. The case worker said last time that mom keeps missing appts. for the child and that the meds that mom said she was taking were not the meds prescribed by the dr.

It is very difficult to get mom up to the school. For several months we didn't even have a way to contact her. This is a woman who sends her child to school with head lice treatment on her head that was applied the night before. We're talking about the kind that should be washed off after 30 min at the most.

Hmm, this sounds rough. How about DFACS? I know that's calling in the strong arms, but it sounds like for whatever reason, the mom is ignoring the needs of the child. Missing doctor's appointments, not caring for the child's heath--that's pretty serious.

Dee
they've been involved, but I don't think anything ever came of it. It's very frustrating. I see so many kids that need so much, but they just don't get the help they need. I think mom cares about her, but just maybe isn't quite capable. I just needed to vent a little b/c it gets so frustrating. My administration tells me to write her up so that mom's attention will be gotten, but I really hate to do it. I know there are things the child can control, but I know there are other things she can't. [QUOTE=leokat]

[/QUOTE]

Sounds like MOM has ADHD--or at least something serious going on.
Does anyone know if mom is functionally literate? It sounds like she's not reading anything?

Is it legal or possible to have the school administer the meds?

I know this must be frustrating for you as well--but if someone doesn't get to the bottom of what's going on for mom, it's hard to keep track of what's going on for the child.

And I don't think anyone wants that for the poor kid.

If child protection has already been called then Mom is already [and likely the kid too] scared out of her wits. Obviously they love each other, it's the practical matters that aren't being attended.

What I wouldn't give in this situation to see some parent mentoring [auntie programs] like the ones in England *sigh*
MetisRebel39794.351400463Stillsane, I sooooo know what you mean. We have similar problems with the inlaws, about which I've said a lot in another thread (What you want to know most about, I think). So this post addresses the general public.

Before DS started meds at age 6, the hardest thing for me was church (DH is not religious, so I was on my own). We all know how hard it is for anyone to sit still for an hour, much less a kid, and then to add ADHD on top--whew! People tried to be polite, but the "older" folks whose children were grown always stared and coughed when DS was wiggly. Definitely disapproving stares! I always sat in the side pew near the door, so we could leave if things got too bad.

People are remarkably insensitive, sometimes. There's a young man with CP in the church, and no one looks at him weirdly--but the older folks have never heard of ADHD or think it is "made up." More fools them!

Now, of course, it's much better--DS is older, on meds, and can understand some of what happens.

Dee
[QUOTE=leokat]Yes, she says the same about me having asthma! When I was dx at sge 28, she said she never heard of asthma coming on later in life. Of course, we're talking about a woman who, when cops were calling in sick in NO several years ago and they were calling it the "blue flu", warned her husband (who was a construction worker over there at the time) to be careful not to get sick and catch the flu!!!! She also thought that the 6-legged turkey shown on the Thanksgiving Day football game several years ago was real! She was wondering how they made a turkey grow 6 legs!!!!

Guess I should remember those the next time she wants to start in![/QUOTE]

I have asthma too. I think it's because if we only had minor attacks [I had a few small ones earlier] we tend not to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes as we get older the attacks become obvious.

Of course it's real...

Of course she sounds like she needs a few fries added to her happy meal

Yes, she says the same about me having asthma! When I was dx at sge 28, she said she never heard of asthma coming on later in life. Of course, we're talking about a woman who, when cops were calling in sick in NO several years ago and they were calling it the "blue flu", warned her husband (who was a construction worker over there at the time) to be careful not to get sick and catch the flu!!!! She also thought that the 6-legged turkey shown on the Thanksgiving Day football game several years ago was real! She was wondering how they made a turkey grow 6 legs!!!!

Guess I should remember those the next time she wants to start in!

"Can I give a bit of suggestion? If you come up with a sort of thing where the kid has to wait [like dessert] see how David reacts if you say something along the lines of "Let's make a deal. How about you PICK your piece of pie and we will put your special David piece aside for you. Do you agree?"

Metis Rebel, I totally agree about this! I have tried it with my daughter, and it works wonders! As long as she knows that she will get the piece that she wants for dessert, she's ok!

Stillsane: I completely understand your frustration. My oldest sister (who is 8 years older, enough said!) doesn't believe in ADHD. She has said that a lot of it is parents who just want to put their kids on meds and not deal with them. This has caused a lot of problems. To make matters worse, she took my daughter for a week over the summer, didn't give her her meds, and claimed that she had no problems. Now mind you, my sister lives in the country with over an acre of land, has 2 kids that are several years olser than my daughter, and lives a life that is the ADHD'er's dream They are constantly on the go. I don't think she and her kids ever spend a full day at home. But because of 1 week, she has now decided that my daughter does NOT need to be medicated.

This is very frustrating to me, because she has convinced my father that my dd doesn't need her meds. Since we live with my parents, it can be aggravating to hear him tell my dd "You behaved at you aunt's. You need to settle down!" Of course, my father is a lot like your in-laws, where he gets aggravated at her for being a child (you know, making noise!). All I can say is hang in there!

Does DSS need to be contacted due to neglect?

The poor little girl!!

[QUOTE=leokat]

[/QUOTE]

I've seen eejits say the same thing to the parents of autistics and schizophrenics.

Having the kid for a week in a country low-stress environment [probably passed out from all the clean oxygen, anyway!] does not equate with the every day grind of raising a wild child.

Don't feel too bad moms. I'm 50, been diagnosed TWICE and my sister who used to get me for a week every summer still says I don't have ADHD.
She keeps blaming it on "Mommy was mean to you"

They don't get it when they don't WANNA get it!