tired and need help. | ADHD Information
I haven't posted anything in a long time and could really use some help.
My 11 year old daughter has adhd as well as odd, she is taking concerta 63mg. My daughter is doing well at school and has a few close friends. At home well things are not going well at all. When she is asked to clean her room she tells me to get out of her face and leave her alone...i have tried not letting her have friends over if her room is a mess...her response to that is "oh well, no one likes me anyway". I have tried to get her to clean it up my doing one thing a day...but have had no luck...i have cleaned her room for her and gave her a check list to do everyday to make sure it stays clean and that did work for a week or so but then she just stopped doing it. Now when I tell her to clean it up she gets in my face telling me that it is her room and for me to stay the **** out of it. I spoke to her behaviour worker that meets with her once a week at home and was told to take everything out of her room, when I tried to do just that i got kicked hit and she slammed the door in my face. I have found knives in her room and when asked about why she has them she tells me that she never took them. I spoke to her mental health worker about this as i was concerned about why she would have knives but did not get any where with her she kinda made it sound like it was no big deal. My daughter steals from family members and even when she is caught in the act denies it and places the blame on others. She tells me that she hates at least 4 times a day...says that we don't like her and never do anything for her. I have tried talking to her about why she feels this way but can't seem to get through to her. There are days when she is easy to deal with and is willing to do what is asked of her but they a few and far between. My daughter hit and kicks her brother calls them names...tells then that she wishes they were never born..it has gotten to the point that they don't want to be around her. I just don't know what to do to help her...i have tried charts and rewards for good behaviour... I try not to talk to much when she is having a fit because I realized that it olny fuels her fire... but as of lately even if I ignore her yelling and screaming it only gets worse....I could really use some help.
[QUOTE=Going crazy]I haven't posted anything in a long time and could really use some help.
My 11 year old daughter has adhd as well as odd, she is taking concerta 63mg. My daughter is doing well at school and has a few close friends.
That's a good start. There's hope yet
At home well things are not going well at all. When she is asked to clean her room she tells me to get out of her face and leave her alone...i have tried not letting her have friends over if her room is a mess...her response to that is "oh well, no one likes me anyway". I have tried to get her to clean it up my doing one thing a day...but have had no luck...i have cleaned her room for her and gave her a check list to do everyday to make sure it stays clean and that did work for a week or so but then she just stopped doing it. Now when I tell her to clean it up she gets in my face telling me that it is her room and for me to stay the **** out of it.
You're locked in a power struggle over the room. And you're doing all the organizing and taking all the responsibility here. Kids have the same "thing" about privacy and "space" as adults do.
What are you offering if she DOES clean up the room? What benefit to her? She doesn't mind the mess--you do.
She's getting the benefit of a good drama out of NOT doing it.
I spoke to her behaviour worker that meets with her once a week at home and was told to take everything out of her room, when I tried to do just that i got kicked hit and she slammed the door in my face.
Honestly? At this point you need to physically restrain the child. And backing down instead of dragging the stuff out played into her game. Mind you--I don't think it was a good idea in the first place.
I have found knives in her room and when asked about why she has them she tells me that she never took them. I spoke to her mental health worker about this as i was concerned about why she would have knives but did not get any where with her she kinda made it sound like it was no big deal. My daughter steals from family members and even when she is caught in the act denies it and places the blame on others.
This is a problem.
Your child is caught in a pattern. She is not seeing you as a person--but as the role she perceives you are playing. This doesn't mean you ARE persecuting, or betraying or rescuing or that she is the victim.
Think of a movie. She is the star. You are one of the supporting cast. She is casting you in the role that most suits her needs at the moment.
Below is a chart. There is actually a FOURTH position, but I couldn't find a chart with it on. Draw your own box and add BETRAYER/BYSTANDER so it is:
Persecutor Rescuer
X
Victim Bystander/Betrayer
She tells me that she hates at least 4 times a day...says that we don't like her and never do anything for her. I have tried talking to her about why she feels this way but can't seem to get through to her.
She is stuck in the pattern. You are being drawn into it as is, the rest of the family. No matter what she says stay in the middle of the box at "X". Refuse to be drawn into HER drama/movie.
There are days when she is easy to deal with and is willing to do what is asked of her but they a few and far between. My daughter hit and kicks her brother calls them names...tells then that she wishes they were never born..it has gotten to the point that they don't want to be around her. I just don't know what to do to help her...i have tried charts and rewards for good behaviour...
Unless you are a robot mom [and you sound too caring for that
] consistent behavioral modification is very difficult because you don't have a whole team on board helping with the reward/correction system. Just do the best you can. Real life tends to throw a LOT of curve balls. Pick your system and don't deviate just because she turns into a drama queen.
I try not to talk to much when she is having a fit because I realized that it olny fuels her fire... but as of lately even if I ignore her yelling and screaming it only gets worse....I could really use some help.
[/QUOTE]Now, after all that frustrating unhappy news--here's the good bit.
YOU are not bound by that box. SHE is. She will almost always respond the same way every time to the same stimuli.
"AAAAAAAAAarGH" you yell. But HAHA! YOU are flexible! YOU can stand outside the box!
Because she is stuck in this movie--YOU know how to change the script. YOU don't have to play the part she assigns you in it.
Now plan what reward she will have if she finishes the tasks involved in cleaning the room.
Plan the consequences if she does NOT clean it. Pick something sensible that you can truly back up. Like you won't drive her to the mall or something. Some favour you do her that you can withdraw. [you don't play ball with me, I don't play ball with you]
Tell when you expect the job to be finished.
THEN plan to sit her down quietly and tell her this. Do not negotiate on this one. [that's another day]
No matter WHAT she does--stay on your X. Do not let her drag you into her movie.
Do not concern yourself with backtalk or any attempt to drag you into one of those corners.
You have one goal. That SHE cleans her room reasonably, and in a timely manner.
If you must--walk out of the house or lock yourself in the bathroom. This isn't a discussion--it's a reasonable demand.
Follow through. If there are consequences STAY ON YOUR "X" no matter what kind of hissy fit she throws.
It also sounds like this child needs more positive attention.
It's easy to get caught up in the fighting but without positive attention parents don't have any leverage. And leverage is important.
See if before you go after the room problem you can't find a few things to give her positive feedback for.
As well, I suggest you get this child reassessed if it wasn't done in the last few years.
I will STFU now
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hopefully ommas will drop by. He usually has some good ideas about calming down irate kids
Hi...thanks for you suggestions. I decided to give it a try..i made a chart and marked my "x" and have managed to stay on my "x" the frist two days were hard and I found it difficult to stay on the x but as the days go by I am finding it easier...
Today was the day...I told my daughter that her room had to be cleaned by lunchtime, I gave her a list of what needed to be done. She stared to give me some lip and pitched a fit. i stayed on my "x" and told her that her room needed to be done and that was that....here is the best part..SHE CLEANED HER ROOM
...she made her bed, put all her stuff away and even vaccumed her floor, and it gets better she even vaccumed the livingroom..WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO DO SO. As her reward for doing what was asked of her she got to pick what moving we watched together as a family.
Today was a good day..I am hopeful that there will be many more to come.
<repeat clip>
MetisRebel39782.7817592593 [QUOTE=MetisRebel]Well she's still going to fight you all the way because she's going to test your resolve so hang in there!
YA DONE GOOD MOM!
AND YAY FOR THE KID
[/QUOTE]
Keep us posted
Good for you for getting her to clean her room AND a little of another one
;)
I was going to suggest maybe sending her to a therapist. She is at that
age where her hormones are starting run a bit crazy and she will be
unpredictable. Maybe there is more inside that she will let out to you. Its a
thought.
What is scary, is that she sounds like me as a kid. I was the worst fighter
in the world and i used to steal like crazy. It was impulsive and no other
reason. I just had this feeling I HAD to have it. I would get caught and
then i would blame others just so i wouldnt get in trouble. Thats all.
I somehow stopped when i stole something of sentimental value to a
good friend of mine (not anything of value) and she realized it was me. I
lost her as a friend and realized i couldnt get her back no matter what.
Now I cant take a paperclip without asking.