Would u cancel their party as punishment? | ADHD Information

I am at my wits end with my ADHD'er Ashley (age 9) this week. She has been beyond mouthy- she talks to me like I am a piece of crap. It seems like nothing I do gets through to her. She says that she hates us over little things (like telling her to come to the dinner table when she 'doesnt feel like it'), blows up over stupid things and screams at us all, calls me names sometimes, etc. She has always been moody like this, very up and down. She's either very good or very very bad. It seems its been getting worse as she gets older.

I have said over and over if she doesnt shape up her party on Saturday is off. We are going bowling as a family and to my parents for cake and ice cream, no other kids are involved this year. But she just doesnt seem to care that she makes me cry with the way she treats me. I swear she is like a robot. I know that that is part of what is wrong with her, but I wonder when the line is drawn between what is her "issues" and what is just downright being a spoiled nasty brat with her mouth?! I am so exhausted and at my wits end this week with her nasty attitude.

Do you think that canceling her family party would be an excessive punishment? If so does anyone have any other ideas to get through to her? I need some help. God she's going to make a lovely teenager.

Oh, and her therapist put her on a low dose of Vyvanse for the ADHD and a low dose of Risperdal for the mood swings that the stimulant seem to cause. We actually just upped her Risperdal doseage, but it may need to be increased even further. :(

Tina
[QUOTE=ashleysmommee]I am at my wits end with my ADHD'er Ashley (age 9) this week. She has been beyond mouthy- she talks to me like I am a piece of crap. It seems like nothing I do gets through to her. She says that she hates us over little things (like telling her to come to the dinner table when she 'doesnt feel like it'), blows up over stupid things and screams at us all, calls me names sometimes, etc. She has always been moody like this, very up and down. She's either very good or very very bad. It seems its been getting worse as she gets older.

Okay, with the "I hate you" let it ride.  The less seriously you take it--the sooner that will be over. Try "Yeah, yeah, get in the line up along with the rest--did you clean your room yet?" Stay on topic. Always. Humour will save your sanity.

Don't play into the child's chaos. Stay focussed. She can't.


I have said over and over if she doesnt shape up her party on Saturday is off.

Don't make threats is another rule to live by. Say it once and carry through. Period.

If you don't intent to threaten something real don't make the threat. "I'll drop you out the window" is a silly threat. "I will lock up your playstation for a day" is not.

Make what you say clear and concise and less than three sentences. Adhd'ers don't hear anything after the third sentence other than "blah blah blah blah" Also, make sure the child is looking you in the eye. If we are not looking right at you--we didn't hear you. Have the child repeat it back or ask, "Do you understand?"

Example:
"You will clean up your room by 4pm. If it is not clean by then I am not taking you to the store. If it is clean by then--I will take you.  Now repeat to me what I just said..."


We are going bowling as a family and to my parents for cake and ice cream, no other kids are involved this year. But she just doesnt seem to care that she makes me cry with the way she treats me. I swear she is like a robot.

Is the entire diagnosis ADHD?

I know that that is part of what is wrong with her, but I wonder when the line is drawn between what is her "issues" and what is just downright being a spoiled nasty brat with her mouth?! I am so exhausted and at my wits end this week with her nasty attitude.

If you want to make it count--get a sitter and everyone else go out. Why should everyone else get ripped off?

Do you think that canceling her family party would be an excessive punishment? If so does anyone have any other ideas to get through to her? I need some help. God she's going to make a lovely teenager.

You need to find what motivates this child. It's rarely punishment. It's usually some sort of reward [and removal of such]. Some kids like money, some like playstation and so on. What does your child like?

Oh, and her therapist put her on a low dose of Vyvanse for the ADHD and a low dose of Risperdal for the mood swings that the stimulant seem to cause. We actually just upped her Risperdal doseage, but it may need to be increased even further. :(

Tina
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I think the medication problem is probably increasing the poor behaviour. Either way, you still need to find some behavioural solutions.

If you want to get through--you need to find leverage. I know you're frustrated, angry and fed up but someone has to take the long-range view here, and it can't be the kid.

You also likely need a bit of time out of the house doing something pleasurable so that you have more energy to cope with a demanding child.

Is there another parent involved? If so, what is their opinion?

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.  I imagine each day is very rough for you now.

I'm a big believer that you have to follow through on what you say.  Otherwise, why would our kids ever listen to us?  I think that you need to spell out very specifically what she needs to do over the next few days in order to have the party.  Frame your comments about what she should do.  Refrain from mentioning what she shouldn't do.  You might want to say that you will use appropriate words, you will respond in a timely manner when asked to do something, etc.  I wouldn't expect perfection.  Maybe give her a warning and then an X if she crosses the line.  You decide how many Xs mean the party is canceled.  It's best to communicate all this to her upfront.  She can't argue w/ you about it if it's a fact that the chart on the fridge indicates she got enough Xs that you had to cancel the party.  Shift the attention off you and to something more benign, like a sheet of paper.

That's my advice.  Good luck!  I hope you'll get to celebrate her birthday on Saturday.

 

Thank you ladies, I just dont know what to do but will decide by tomorrow.

My biggest problem I think is saying things I dont mean in the heat of the moment and then not following through. I know my faults as a parent and I swear I am working on them. In this case though I do mean it. She treats me so badly sometimes. She is being seen at Children's Hospital once a week, as they think she may also have Bi-polar or ODD on top of the ADHD. So far we only have the ADHD and a "non-verbal learning disorder" as official diagnoses. Her therapist says he wants to see her longer before he gives any other "labels" especially the Bi-polar.

Part of her biggest and scariest issue is the seeming to not show any emotion or have feelings. She cannot 'relate' to people. She can say very very hurtful things, and act like an automaton and its pretty awful. She even told me once when she was mad that she wished I would 'die in surgery so she could live with her grandparents' (I am recovering from a form of bone cancer in my jaw and have had 11 surgeries in the past 3 years).

I just worried that I was being excessive on thinking of cancelling her birthday party- as if I dont already worry every day that I am scarring her for life in everything I do, every med I give her etc. Like I said, sometimes I dont know when to say it is her 'issues' or her just acting out and being a bratty pre-adolescent. It helps to hear support and stories from others who are dealing with the same.

Thank you.

Tina
Tina:

You really need some space. You're wrapped up in being ill, dealing with a difficult child and buckets of guilt.

Bipolar rarely causes lack of feeling--it tends to cause excess of feeling.

When we're not feeling well, we tend to be more permissive because we're just not up to the challenge. Thank you for explaining, I understand much better now why you're struggling with consistency.

Also, she's probably struggling with your illness--which I think you've figure out already.

You have a great deal going on right now. Are you getting any support?

Wow, you've been through a lot.  Do you think part of her acting out might be fear over losing you?  I know she doesn't seem like she cares, but maybe she is protecting herself in a strange way -- kinda pushing you away b/c she's afraid she may lose you?  I may be grasping at straws here, but hearing the health issues you've faced made this idea pop into my head.

I hope that your health problems are behind you and that you have a clean bill of health from now on!

I had the same idea Mom2--fear of loss and self-protection...

[QUOTE=MetisRebel]I had the same idea Mom2--fear of loss and self-protection... [/QUOTE]

Look at the time stamps.  We posted the same idea at the identical time!

Mom2ADHDboy39791.9067476852 lol@Mom2AD MetisRebel39791.9095833333Part of me wonders if that is it, but she has always had this detachment since birth really where its like she isnt able to relate to people and things that would make 'normal' people feel certain ways, she doesnt "get". Everyone else is odd to her, not her kwim?

I worry all the time but do hope they will be able to figure out what is going on at Childrens. She is also very delayed in her fine motor and may be getting therapy there for that as well (waiting for insurance to cover it or not), as well as going to social groups for her socially delayed side.

I do have a lot of support, I have my parents and a group of friends who have been very supportive of me over the past 3 years so thank god for that but sometimes it is hard to get away or be alone with my husband, as my parents are old and have a hard time taking care of Ashley by themselves a lot so I feel guilty asking for help, if that makes sense.


All I can do is hope every year gets a little better.

Thank you, everyone!!

Tina
That might be so.

To a sociopath for example--other people are 'weird/weak' because we suffer guilt and have a conscience.  To someone with asperberger's others are weird because we "don't get it" [whatever it is they think we don't get] to someone with borderline others are weird because our caring isn't based on  "I hate you--don't leave me". To someone that is avoidant others are weird because we WANT to connect. To a psychopath others are weird because we don't act on our desires  regardless of the consequences.

Whatever is going on in this child's mind--at this point--she doesn't "get" what's going on most of the time. Reward and consequence aren't making any sense to her for some reason.

ADHD'ers have a cognitive dysfunction that means that reward means LESS to them--that's why they struggle to finish tasks. They get some satisfaction--but often not enough to make them repeat the desired behaviour consistently. That's why they thrive on extra rewards, praise and thank-yous. Punishment is often pointless since we forget what we were doing or supposed to be doing in the first place so we don't understand why we're being punished.

None of it is an easy row to hoe, no matter what.

I'm glad you've got good friends and family. If you can't get out--does your daughter sleep well? Perhaps you and hubby could have a "living room picnic" or something when she's out cold--something relaxed and playful to give you both a sense of downtime and closeness for a few hours.