Staying in the 'Here and Now'.  

When I had a Myers-Briggs personality test done many years ago (ENFP) the explanation said that "the possiblity of what could be is infinitely more interesting than what is".  BAM! Socko! Right between the eyes.   And so I end up making up a big scenario in my head. Imagining this and that.

back story: I've become friends again with my first boyfriend/first love/ first kiss/ first third base - nearly home experience.   We both still have a lot of feelings for each other. Problem is, I'm married to a wonderful man/father of my children whom I love deeply.  Old boyfriend has made it clear that if anything happens to my husband (god forbid), he is there for me.  He is content to wait and is just happy that I am happy and loved.   He is divorced. And dating.  I have jokingly told him he isn't allowed to remarry.  

My husband knows and is fine that I'm friends with and 'love' the ex. He even knows that if anything happens, ex is there for me.  He's still fine. (See why I love my husband?!) 

The problem is that I feel badly that I'm not always emotionally present for my husband and family.  Instead I'm off living a dual fantasy life in my head.   I worry that if I continue to live in fantasy land, it will cause damage to my marriage and hurt the one person in the world that I don't want to hurt.

Is it common among ADDers to have/live a dual life? (the one that goes on in my head and the one that requires picking up after and cooking for?)

My mantra has become: Focus on what is. Not on what isn't.

That is what I worry about. Living so much in what isn't that I screw up what is.

Crazy thing is that my loyalties are with my husband whom I respect, have true friendship with, twenty years of history with, love, admire and still have great sex with.  I would rather die than do anything that would hurt my husband yet my mind will take off and wander into dangerous territory.

I just find myself thinking about the ex often.  I've talked with him and we've admitted that we both still love one another and want to be together,.... someday, just not right now. .  And neither is willing or will do anything that would compromise my marriage.  I also told him the problem that I'm having in staying in the present. So I told him that if he doesn't hear from me it's just that I'm forcing myself to focus on "what is" for the sake of my marriage.

But it's so hard being torn in two different directions.

wow I am really similar...

does your relationship struggle with INCONSISTENCY because of your imagining there might be someone else out there for you? Historically, this has plagued me.

I have a couple of mantras too- they may or may not be helpful...

"Play the game... even when you don't want to."

"Fake it until you make it."

And one more thing... I don't know you at all... but considering the AMAZING things you said about your husband, I bet you would be CRUSHED and DEVASTATED if you left him for this other guy. Imagine what that would feel like... it would SUCK!!!!!!!

I know.  That is what keeps me centered and focused on what is important.  Fact is.. at some point reality intrudes on all relationships and the blush comes off the rose.

I think what got me off center is that I started hyperfocusing on what we (the old BF)  were, what we had, and what we didn't have (actual rubbing the nasty bits together sex).  And I started mourning what I may never know. (It will be one of my few biggest regrets if I go to my grave having never known....) 

I am still torn. I love the ex and he loves me. Hell, even my husband knows I still love the ex cause I told him so. I also told my husband that the ex told me if anything happens to husband, the ex is on my doorstep.  My husband is cool with it.  He knows I have a big big heart, that I am a very passionate woman with extremely varied interests and sometimes there's just too much of me to be defined by one relationship and one role.  Bless his heart.  It confuses him, but he loves me still.

So I started looking at the relationship between ex and I. And I realized that by talking and focusing on what I don't have, I was making me and him (especially me) miserable.  It's not fair to him and it's sure not fair to my husband.  I was worrying about something that hasn't happened, may not happen, and couldn't control when or even if it is going to happen.  I decided it was stupid to obsess about it.  

So as difficult as it is, I've detached myself from the outcome.  Yes, I still love my ex, would love to be with him, but I love my husband as well and just as much and possibly more (at this point in my life) than the ex. 

In short, if it's meant to be, then it will be, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it in the meantime so I might as well stop worrying/thinking on it.  Because the worrying/obsessive thinking on it could very well bring something to pass that I don't want.

So how is that for a mentally healthy response?!  I'm a little bit proud of myself.

you go girl!

smmile.

Hard fought victories. 

Ex is still my guilty pleasure. And such an easy place to go, mentally.

And still I enjoy the cerebral challenges and pleasures my husband presents....

I'm convinced that every woman needs at least two men in her life. 

i don think so..........

yo-

yes i do agree it is a healthy response....

I haven't solved this one for myself so I can't really give you any more good advice except....

I AM PRETTY CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE A WRECK IF YOU LOST YOUR HUSBAND DUE TO YOUR OTHER IMAGINARY LIFE.... just imagine him with another woman... I know it's hard but try.... you would be SOOOOOOOO sad, right?

don't know if that's helpful or not... like i said i struggle with a very similar issue so i'm no "beacon of wisdom" on this one