I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 9 years old. That was long ago enough that most people had never heard of it. I am 34 now and have had the worst two years of my life. For the first time in my life I had a job more then a year. I had it almost three years. I've never done any one thing that was deserving of being fired but I just tend to make so many little careless mistakes that they add up and the boss gets sick of dealing with me. I lost that job July of 06. I worked for a few places after that, then in Jan 07 I got my Real Estate liscence. It is by far the best job I have ever had, the hours are great, I love being around people, and I love helping people. I'm fairly well thought of at the company i am with (and I should be I sold over a million dollars my first year which is an accomplishment especially in todays market.) The problem started at the end of my first year. Just before all the work I had put in started paying off my wife of 12 years left me and was living with another man within a week of leaving. As a result I was very depressed and really stopped working the business. I got the house and my truck and my kids in the divorce but I have since lost the house and the truck and am living with my parrents. I did start dateing a woman from my office in June08 and I had the best two months of my life, we had everything in common, had the same goals... then she realized what a scatterbrain I am and the chaos that comes with being close to me and couldn't handle it. We've been officially apart for a little over a month now and while it's not her I miss so much as I am just alone. This has made me realize the cycle that has always been in my life. I meet people they like me at first then as they get to know me more they distance themselves from me. I have to admit, I've pretty much just given up. No I would never kill myself (I've had friends do that and saw how it effected their kids and couldn't do that to mine) but I often wish an 18 weeler would swerve over into my lane. I wounder how I can take care of my kids when I can't even take care of myself. I have looked for another job but it seems like ex Real Estate agents aren't in high demand. The only other thing I have experiance at is driving trucks which would cost more money then I have to be able to go back to that since I failed a drug test (Marijuanna is a whole lot cheeper then Stratera and does a good job of allowing me to concentrate.) I just don't know what to do, I love Real Estate and am good at it even with my ADHD when I'm not depressed. I can't stand being alone. I've always been that way, I just prefer to be in the company of others but have no one to spend time with. Why would I expect after 34 years something would change and I would be able to bring order to my life. I know I'm smart, I fit the typical ADHD type, outside the box thinker and have an IQ over 140, I just can't get all that info in my head out to the right people for them to see how smart I am. I am currently taking celexa, I have no insurance so 170 per month for Stratera is out of the question. Honestly since I stopped taking the Strattera I think I have gotten worse then I was before I ever took it. The Celexa helps a little but i still can't get everything done I Need to. I don't know what I'm asking I just know I need to do something to get out of this funk.Hey buddy. I'm really concerned about you, especially about your comment about wishing the semi would swerve. This is called "Passive Suicidal Ideation." I went through that same depression and ideations when I was serving in Qatar. I understand a lot of that, and the loneliness, and the intelligence stuff. I've never been able to hold a consistent relationship for more than a few months. I want you to know that you have a friend here -- I don't know really how to help you, but I really hope that you're able to see a counselor about this. I just...wanted you to know that you've got someone to talk to if you need it. I wish talking would help. It does help my self esteme a little to read and learn that the loneliness is normal for people with ADD, but it also sucks to know that there is probably little I can do to change this. One of the things that has made this so hard on me is in the past when I have faced adversity, within a couple of days I have always been able to come up with a plan for the future and turn things around and actually make things better then they were before. It's been almost two months now and I have yet to come up with that plan. The company I am with now is by far the best company to be with but it hurts to see her when I am in the office. I have been working with the owner to open an office close to home that I would have a part in running. Obviously that would be good and I would seldom see her then, but we're talking about something that would take some time and I have to find a way to face her without feeling so hurt in making that happen. There is no bad blood between us and she sais she still wants to be close friends but she doesn't act that way. I know part of it is because she is hurt that we can't be together, but I also wonder how much of that is her just trying to be nice. I just wish I knew how to turn this into a profesional relationship. I knew better then to get involved with her because of work but our spending time together at work is what made me fall so madly in love with her. Now I have to find a way to fall out of love with her.
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