DH doesn’t get it | ADHD Information

I have been to Dh's therapist with him and medication was brought up. his attidude was NEVER! He likes the black and white person he has become. He is also past Navy and like things in perfect order. not possible in a house with 2 ADHD'ers. thanks for your posts.Would it be possible to sit down with your husband, at a calm time when he is not in the middle of a battle with your son, and ask him how he feels about his relationship with his son and what he would like it to be? If he likes things in perfect order, then I imagine he is very unhappy with the current situation. I wonder if there is some way for him to see that by using a different approach/techniques he might be able make life more pleasant for himself and everyone else. Would it be possible for him to take a parenting class or would he read a book with ideas about how to cope effectively with an ADHD child? Does your husband feel that his therapist is helpful? Maybe a different therapist would be? What about family therapy?
You are coping with a lot. I hope you are giving yourself credit for all you are doing. Hang in there and good luck!
Spamula - I feel your pain.   We have some of the same issues at our home.  My husband (though he won't admit it) is also ADD and would never medicate either.

My husband and daughter are constantly butting heads.  He is can be very black/white and not always flexible - very much like my daughter.   It makes for a volatile combination.   He's also needs to work on his ability to predict the outcome of situations.   As a "mom" I am much better at this and can avoid/dance around situations before they become a problem.

I too try to stay out of it, but sometimes it is just easier to step in a difuse a situation.  Is there anyway for you to get out of the house for a while (and leave your cell phone behind) and take some time for yourself?    Go for walk, exercise, hang out at Starbucks reading a book, spa treatment or maybe even a mini vacation?   It's really important to take care of yourself.

I did sit down yesterday and he sees this as DS's problem not his. He says he always acts this way and to tone it down for DS is a problem for him and he refuses to do it. he said DS just hates him and too bad. This man is losing out on a great thing with his kid and doesn't really care.He is going to therapy for this reason but it has only been a few times so far, I like the therapist, who said I don't need to come back but hubby and DS do.

My DH whom is ADHHHHD as one can be,is not understanding how to deal with his child at all. As long as he is medicated he is fine.

But if he is off the meds (nights and am's) he treats him like crap. He is going to therapy himself. but I am not seeing any changes.

He takes every little thing and blows it up until DS is screaming and crying and Dh is just out of control screaming.

I have my own issues to deal with as well 1 is insomnia and they yell and scream 1/2 the night keeping me up. I am so tired I could spit.

Today DS is going to a friends house thank goodness.

As far as Dh The more I am involved the worse it gets(the ADHD) but he will not get meds no way!

I am exhausted from dealing with a household of adhd'ers

Ds is doing better on the Concerta so far but isn't eating. Not Good. He also wishes it would last longer as do we. 8 hours is not long enough for this kid.

Not ready for boosters or anything we need to see if he goes to 27 what will happen.

Thanks to all of you for contributing in the past I really appreciate it!

Have you talked with DH about getting medicated himself.  Your ds will pick up on the mood of dh and act out.  I'm glad that ds is doing better on Conceta, mine just got switched from Vyvanse to ritilin which is the same thing as Concerta.  If your dh refuses to get medicated maybe you can go to the doctor with him and tell his doctor whats going on and maybe the doctor will tell him the medicine will help him also.  Let me know.

Re your original post:  Going to a therapist is a step in the right direction!  It took me a very long time to get to the point where DH would be agreeable to go to family therapy; much conflict between father and son here...ours is a long story with lots of drama...would take some time to tell; but, anyway, there are some similarities to the relationship of your DH and DS and I can relate.

How old is your son?  If I remember correctly, he is younger than mine, so you are a smart mom to address these issues with DH and DS now.  We continue to try with our son but it might be too late.  For years, my son's diagnosis was ADHD and that is what was addressed; recently, the diagnosis has become more complex, now with ADHD, ODD, substance abuse (seeking treatment for all, of course) and we also would like to have a mood disorder ruled out (very extreme behaviors), so this is a whole new ball game; very distressing to say the least. 

So sorry for rambling, but my point is that you are smart for addressing this while your son is still young, so you may have a chance to turns things around. 

I hope your DH and DS benefit from the counseling and that you might have a chance to get some rest and have some peace of mind.  I definitely know how the tension, anger, outbursts, etc., can turn one's life upside down!  

spamula, thank you for your vote of confidence. I feel that sometimes that what we are all doing here on these wonderful boards, offering therapy to our group!!

Please keep us posted. I hope all is well!!

spamula, my husband is adhd and had a horrible childhood full of abuse by his father who I suspect also had it, along with depression. we have some lousy moments with him and the children as well. I wish my husband would get the diagnosis and medication so he wouldn't keep losing his keys, wallet, phone, etc - everything. But in the same breath, he is just so intelligent, really, but lost in other ways. It is sad. I have a lot of compassion for it all.

Your husband sounds like he doesnt want to bring it all back and have to address it. It is locked away forever. Your son may even remind him of himself as a child but your hub only knows the way to treat it is the way he was treated, etc.

Therapist should help, but your hub is going to have to want the help. At least he is going, that is a great thing - he hasn't given up!!

We are here when you need us, and I will tell you, the responding side to all these is just as theraputic for me. I write about things that I may not have ever talked about nor had anyone to! Thank you all for that!!

BETHANN- Funny you say that, when I was at thmy meeting with the therapist and hubby, the therapist asked him to write a biography of sorts of what he remembers as a child, the bad things.He also said that our son reminds him of himself when he was young. You would make a good therapist. Now if I could get him to go every week!

Thank you for the insight it is all true.

Spamula, DON"T feel guilty!!!
You should be proud of all you do to help your son and cope with a very difficult situation. You are doing your best and that's all anyone can do.
And, like you said, at least your husband is going to the therapist. That's a big step and is something a lot of people won't do.
Hopefully the therapist will get through to him.
Hang in there!

OK guys and gals , my husband won't take anything!! Not even Omega's He has tried them. I am stuck with him the way that he is. After everything he is ashamed of in his childhood you would think he had some sense but why? he is pretty ADHHHHD! At least he is going to the therapist finally

We don't have a typical household here as I am disabled and can only do so much. I take care of thing during the day hours and my husband takes over at 6ish. I find many times where hubby is in his office by himself and DS is by himself on the computer, not my favorite sceane . They are both losing out so much. I just feel guilty.

 

"Should be ashamed" is a loaded phrase if there ever was one when directed at someone with ADHD.  So much we do is very shameful when observed wtih 20/20 vision, though ADHD somehow blurs our vision or else fogs our ability to reason things out in a balanced way.  I'm not making excuses for the father here, or for my own perceived failings as a father, just pointing out that ADHD is indiscriminately destructive of love, bonds, and relationships because it is, after all, a disorder. 

To Spamula...all good advice being offered to you, and I would add that of critical importance is that you be able to maintain your perspective and equilibrium and unqualified support for your son.  Your son's relationship with his dad may or may not be salvagable (all depends on dad) and that's not something within your power to control--but supporting your son is something you can and must control for that will carry him through whatever else gets tossed his way.  If the stress and struggle within the household will not allow you to be the person you need to be for your son, then I'd suggest that it's time to figure out some milestones which, if not met, trigger actions that will ensure you can be 100% there for your son...even if that means DH is medicated, re-educated, or evicted! 

BETHANN- You are right on the money here. I even had another talk with him explaining these things and he said to me he was happy, his kid hates him anyway , he would never take meds so why bother? It is sad what he is doing to my son. I am an adult and didn't know about all this when we got married. He did have a rotten childhood and does not now how to model a good one now. I didn't notice until my son was diagnosed that that is what I was dealing with him as well. until then he was just goofy but goodhearted. Now I see how bad the ADHD is. I wish I could take a vacation but I can not. Thank you all for all your wisdom and comments.Spamula,
I have one other idea. Even though the therapist said you don't need to go back, would it be possible for you to go and talk to the therapist to get some tips on what you can do/say when your husband gets into the horrible confrontations with your son? I just thought maybe the therapist could give you some ideas on the best way for you to react, whatever that might be, or some tips on how to stay sane while this is going on, or how to best help your son handle his father's anger.
inspired, thanks for the tip. I might just go ahead and do that because it is an everyday occurence during the school year as he rebounds slightly off the Concerta at 3-4 pm and he is very rebellious at that time and hubby picks on him. when I saw the therapist the 1st time he said I was welcome to call him anytime. I might just do it! thanks!You know what you are describing in your husband's treatment toward your son and you could be conceived as abuse. That is absolutely ridiculous for him to be picking on his own son, who obviously inherited the adhd from. He should be ashamed of himself. I wish there was more I could do for you Spamula. I really do. I am here whenever you need someone!! Give your son a big hug from me, someone who cares about him.  I can only imagine how his dad makes him feel inside and his self esteem. Please keep a big eye on that for your son's sake!!

Have you tried omega-3 for your husband?

Jessica N39908.367974537spamula, I am so sorry for you. Your husband is the one making your son and you suffer. His adhd sounds really out of control. If that was behavior of a child you described, a parent or school would intervene and give him behavior therapy. he is acting like a child, but worse!

Sounds like he is stubborn and may even enjoy causing this chaos in the house. Your poor son needs a bond with his father, what is your husbands REAL problem - did he not have a good childhood growing up with his father so feels resentment to his son?! Something is obviously wrong with your husband and his thinking.

Until he wants to change, there can be none. Have you thought of taking your son and getting away for a vacation, just your son and you???? I think I would have to.!
This man is making his own family suffer from his behavior. I would find something that your son and you enjoy and go off and do it and be happy. Maybe your husband will then get it and come around.
Wow, that sounds incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking for you.
Hope and pray that the therapist gets through to your husband.