Frustrated W/Son Disrupting Family | ADHD Information
I am at the end of my rope..My dx ADHD 11 1/2 yr old disrupts my family on a daily basis. He argues, complains, and makes peace & harmony in the householdnext to impossible. We also have a daughter (7) who does not have ADD, and behaves very well. The contrast between our two kids is like night & day. Our
daughter often has to listen to us dealing with him, sometimes misses out on things because of him, and is sick of listening to the unrest he causes in our
household. I feel bad that she has to constantly listen to us dealing with our son.
My husband & I make an effort to spend time alone with her. Example, since our son was in trouble for getting into a fight, I took our daughter to Disneyland and
my husband stayed home with him. I am not sure what to do, I feel like we have tried everything. We have been taking him to therapy for months, and it always
feels like 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. Hs therapist even suggested sending him away to an ADD school, but we don't have the extra 40K per year it takes to
send him or I would believe me. I know this may sound harsh but I've been dealing with these issues since he was 4 years old, and even though he is only almost
12, I am worn out (and so is my husband). We tried to get away for a few days to get a break from him, and he broke my work computer by pounding on it when it
froze up... costing me 1,500..I could go on and on with examples, but I won't, I think you get the picture...I guess I am just venting, but I dont have any friends
who have ADD kids, and I feel like people on this board will understand.
Don't send him away. he didn't ask to be born with ADHD. You don't really want to get rid of him do you?
I am sure he feels just as lousy as you and he has that stuff going on with the fight and that must play with his self esteem.
Most ADHD'ers have something else going on in addition. Do you think he has anxiety, depression, anything else?
Do you think he needs a re -evaluation? Have his meds been checked recently?
He is the same age as my son, will be 12 in June, and puberty is around the corner, which will totally screw up meds.
My son is on concerta, 90mgs AND guanfacine - this REALLY helps - it relaxes him
If you think you have the diagnosis 100%, then ask his doctor about guanfacine and about a possible increase.
Hang in there. Come here to the boads when you need to be with others just like you and your family. We are always here!!
BETHANN39824.9387384259I agree! Do not send him away! Have his meds been looked at lately? And as Bethann said puberty is just around the corner.You just described my house!! We have one child with ADHD, the other without and they are TWINS! MY DS is so well behaved that I swear it sometimes makes my DD (ADHD) behaviours appear so much worse. My son suffers as well. He sometimes starts to cry and huddle behind me when his sister starts to act up. I just want to curl in to a fetal position sometimes and cry myself. We are only human.
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but is rising up every time we fall!"
In my family, my child with ADHD (inattentive type) is far easier to deal with than my son. He is the one I would like to sell on ebay for a nickel right about now.I remember hearing or reading somewhere that the less lovable a child acts, the more he/she needs to be loved, so I have tried to keep that in mind over the years. No matter how much he pushes my buttons and how angry I may feel, I try to remember to give him that little extra helping of love and care to let him know he is loved no matter what.
Also, I think sometimes we can get so caught up in all the negatives about a kid (who is driving us nuts) that we let those things dominate our view of the child. I try to always believe in the good person that is inside my kid, and that he will grow to be. Sometimes I think if we believe in the best in a person, they will rise to that. While if we believe the worst, that is what we'll get.
Have you checked out the marble system thread? Maybe a reward system of some sort would help your son and take the focus off the negative.
Something that has worked at least somewhat in our family is the old sending him to his room. I haven't done it in a long time, but we used to just say, if you can't be pleasant or civil around the rest of the family, go be by yourself. I never put a time limit on it. Just stay there till you can act decent around the rest of the family.
Also, a sense of humor can be a lifesaver, especially at those times when you least feel like you have a sense of humor.
Finding something, one thing, anything, that you enjoy doing with your son can also be a big help, whether that's tossing a ball around, reading a book you both like, or listening to music.
I know it's not easy. Good luck!
I believe the saying goes something like...
"your child needs you the most when you love them the least!"
I repeat it to myself over and over again when needed LOL
[QUOTE=inspiredbymusic]In my family, my child with ADHD (inattentive type) is far easier to deal with than my son. He is the one I would like to sell on ebay for a nickel right about now.
[/QUOTE]
Sounds like my house :lol: Although the tide is changing!!
So - I stole something from Super Nanny when my challenging one was really wearing me down.
I literally wrote down all the things I loved about him, all the ways in which he was wonderful, all the things he did right, and put it next to his picture. I looked at it every morning and sometimes in the middle of the day. The more I embraced him, the easier he was. The insecurity causes more boundary testing IME but he was much younger.
I know it must be really hard. Sometimes kids just aren't very likable. I wouldn't do major things without him - or if he ruins the time for the rest of the family try to do some fun things with him alone too. Sometimes good/fun/loving things happen w/in families not because they are earned, but just because it is family.
Thank you for all of your posts, it really does help. I have an appt with his med Dr. on Thursday, and will talk to him about possible increase in dose or additional med or both? He has been on this dose for
about a year and a half, maybe puberty is messing with him. He will be 12 in April.
I feel like we have tried so many things to help him, and it rarely gets better, I guess thats what is so frustrating. I will have to try and remember that he needs me the most when I love him the least. All the
issues he causes have really put a strain on our marriage and that just compounds the problem, and in addition financial issues. The last 8 years have really taken a toll on me, Hopefully evaluating his meds will
help, and I'll forge on.
Thanks again,
NancyGet worth of quarters and put them in a glass jar on the dinner table on Sunday, the first day of the week. Tell him that every time he argues or complains with a family member he loses one quarter. He gets to keep what's left Saturday right before he goes to bed.
I LOVE Jessica N's solution - my son is so money driven, we call him Rich Richie because he saves and saves. We go to him for loans!! If ever necessary, I will be using this. Thanks Jess!!
Nancy - nbconn - please let us know how things go. I really felt bad when you thought of sending him away. That really broke my heart. Love him unconditionally, he was born with this, he did not ask for it. it will follow him through out his life and may be passed on to his children. And he really needs you and all you can do to advocate for him.
His meds should be helping with all these "things" when he is on the correct med and correct dosage.
Please keep us posted on how things are going for your son and family!
Jessica,That is a great idea, I will use it! Thanks
I have Dr. appt on Thursday to
meet with his Dr. to see about changing meds, I will let you know how it
goes.
Bethann-Yes it breaks my heart too, this year has been especially hard and
difficult. I came to the boards this morning because I was so discouraged. I woke up in a good mood and just in the process of getting ready for school, my ADHD son caused so
much commotion that I am having a hard time rising above it. In the middle of it, I just looked at my sweet 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son just sitting there
watching everything. My daughter sighed a big sigh, and put her head in her hand. I fear that all of the struggles and effort of dealing with my son is doing more damage
to my other children. I just can't focus on them when he is sucking all of the energy and focus of anybody else.
He is on Concerta and Guafacine. I may ask for an increase in the Guafacine -- that med had been a life saver.
I feel like such a bad mother right now for some of the thoughts that I have about my son.
wow! I felt like I was just reading about my life!!! My son is 8 and along with ADHD had PDD/NOS, OCD, ODD, SID, (should keep going?) and more, he needs supervison all the time. he is always into something and breaking somthing. MY DD is 11 and such a sweetheart and she too misses out on SO much due to her brother. It breaks my heart. He is sucking the life out of me and I too feel like I have no friends so I would LOVE to be in contact with yu by e-mail and vent together if you would like.
Marie
marielyn@optonline.net
Maybe I'm not reading people's intentions right, but I don't see it as not loving your children if you decide that they're better off living elsewhere. Just like our ADHD children need us, the rest of our children also need us and a healthy upbringing. I also have considered whether I might need to send my ADHD child to live elsewhere. I do this from love and wanting to do what's best for him and my whole family. I look at the younger sibling (non-ADHD) who looks up to his older brother and copies so many of the behaviors. Even when I explain why they're inappropriate, he still does them b/c older brother does it. This has been costing my non-ADHD child friends at preschool, starting to create a negative reputation among parents, damage to his self-esteem from getting in trouble at school -- all b/c he's copying some of the ADHD behaviors. In order to save my younger child, I might have to separate him from his brother.
Also, I've developed health issues lately, and the ADHD behaviors are exacerbating them. I also need to decide if I'm going to be able to survive living in a household with my ADHD child.
I've been working with the dr. Our only problems are 5:30 PM until bedtime, but things are bad enough at that point to be causing massive problems. Booster dose of the stimulant doesn't seem like an option b/c he eats for hours after it wears off. He already takes guanfacine 2x/day to try to curb some of the impulsivity and hyperactivity (in addition to his stimulant). I give him omega-3 supplements. My dr. is concerned about megadoses of magnesium, so I don't know what else I can do.
I'm not looking for advice for me. My point is that hopefully none of us will reach the point where we have to send away our ADHD child, but sometimes it might need to be done and that doesn't make anyone a bad parent.
We definitely cannot pass judgement for sure. It is so hard to know and understand the depth of what others go through. I can admit that half my family and friends have no idea how bad things can get or are in our home. I fear telling them b/c I do not want anyone to treat my daughter any differently. I am not embarassed by her label I just don't want people to treat her like she has special needs. I want things to be as normal for her as they can (which I suppose is crazy b/c they are so not normal at all)
As for the different behaviour mods mentioned I really like the money in a jar. I think it is brilliant and we have already started. I hope we have success!
mom2adhdboy,
I know you are not looking for advice, I was just curious. HAve you tried short acting in the late afternoon to get you from 5:30pm until bedtime, so it is not so bad.
I am sorry for your health issues, that just adds to the stress at home.
You are obviously a caring mom who is doing her best. I wish you and your family nothing but the best!
[QUOTE=BETHANN]mom2adhdboy,
I know you are not looking for advice, I was just curious. HAve you tried short acting in the late afternoon to get you from 5:30pm until bedtime, so it is not so bad.
I am sorry for your health issues, that just adds to the stress at home.
You are obviously a caring mom who is doing her best. I wish you and your family nothing but the best!
[/QUOTE]
I don't think a short-acting stimulant will work for his situation. He can't take the morning long-acting stimulant earlier b/c he needs to eat breakfast to keep up his weight. So, that limits when I can give the afternoon short-acting stimulant. Obviously I have to wait for the long-acting stimulant to be wearing off -- and I don't want to change to one that doesn't last as long b/c I can't have it wearing off while he's at school. I don't care if he takes meds at school, but I have carefully timed his meds so it lasts at school and he doesn't need to miss instruction to get another dose. Assuming it takes 1/2 hour for the short-acting stimulant to kick in (I think that's what the dr. told me), I could give it at 4:30, but that would mean it wouldn't wear off until 8:30, and then he'd start his evening food barrage. He eats 3 dinners to make up for lost calories during the day (when the stimulant is in his system). I don't see a way to make a booster dose of the stimulant (a short-acting one) work. Does anyone have any ideas I'm missing?
I should add that we've tried behavior modification and therapy to try to change the behaviors. However, it's the impulsivity that's doing him in. He'll stick out his leg to trip his brother as he walks by, eat a napkin, say inappropriate words, and all this impulsive stuff. He's doing it w/o thinking. A lot of the time, he doesn't even realize what he's doing. Incentives are meaningless b/c he's caught up in a whirlwind of hyperactivity and impulsivity, and he doesn't see past that moment. Even an immediate consequence is meaningless to him (both positive and negative ones).
When meds are in his system, I'll talk to him about what happened. We're trying to work as a team to figure out ways to have him behave appropriately, or at least curbing the awful stuff that's dangerous to others like tripping people. When the stimulant is in his system and we're talking about it, he's genuinely remorseful and has no ideas how to control it. You can tell he really wants to. Sometimes he's shocked by what he did, for you can tell that he had no awareness that it had happened (which I also could tell while it was going on). I don't berate him with a long list of everything he does wrong. We just talk occasionally when meds are in his system and he's open to a good conversation, and then we discuss how things are going. I make sure to give him tons of compliments about all the things he's doing so well, and then we try to come up w/ ideas for how to improve things at the very difficult times. Unfortunately, we're not coming up w/ anything.
Mom2ADHDboy39827.4341087963BirdyMom, I love that idea. It may not change my ADHD child's behavior, but if I reward my non-ADHD child for not copying the behavior, that could help us! I don't know why I never thought of it beforehand, but I'm glad it's clear to me now. Thanks!I can definitely relate to your situation and can feel your frustration.
My son (has ADHD) and daughter are also five years apart. My son has teased my daughter relentlessly. Rather than punishing my son, I rewarded my daughter. I went to the dollar store and bought a bunch of little trinkets (hair bows, toys, etc.) that I knew my daughter would like. Every time my son teased my daughter, I gave her a 'prize.' Well... My son was so incensed that she was getting something positive from his negative behavior that he cut down on the teasing. He didn't stop totally. His impulsivity got the best of him, but the teasing was less often.
I know what it is like to get caught up in the negativity that seems to never end. Hang in there. Try to work through one issue at a time. And as much as possible, keep your sense of humor.
Mom2ADHDboy- My son's booster dose is half the strength on his regular dose- actually since he increased the dose on the XR it's not even half anymore. It's enough to bring the behaviors to a manageable level without effecting his appetite like the full dose does. Maybe you could try a low dose and see if it's enough to take the edge off without causing side effects?[QUOTE=jaderock54]Mom2ADHDboy- My son's booster dose is half the strength on his regular dose- actually since he increased the dose on the XR it's not even half anymore. It's enough to bring the behaviors to a manageable level without effecting his appetite like the full dose does. Maybe you could try a low dose and see if it's enough to take the edge off without causing side effects?
[/QUOTE]
Interesting. I figured he'd need a full dose, but short-acting, in order to control the behaviors. I didn't know you could do a lower dose and see success. I'll definitely ask the dr. about this. Thanks!
Hi,
I have certainly thought of sending my son away but probably never would. However, my dh was sent away to military school in middle school. I think for a year. It made a HUGE difference in his ultmate success. Military school is very structured and rewards for good behavior. For my husband who is very bright it was his ticket to success and he excelled at school after that. It was very hard on him emotionally but really worked. This was many many years ago and I know military school is not as punitive today. My dh teachers told his parents he would never amount to anything and he achieved a career and education that most people would envy. He just finally "got it" and when he could pursue HIS passion there was no stopping him. When he finished college he was the youngest professor ever appointed to one of the top medical schools in the country. I wonder what he teachers would say now about his remarkable academic success.
The key for him was being able to pursue his passion.
After talking with his med Dr. yesterday, we are going to try increasing the
dose on his medication to see if that helps. This week has been better, he is
behaving better, hopefully this continues.
I needed to vent like i am sure most of the moms that just want the best for ourkids. However, things move in a positive direction and that splat we are back to the beginning. My son is 11 and has been on every med under the sun. Which was a hard decision to make in the first place. He has had bad reactions in the last three years to several meds and now they have started him on Strattera 3 wks tomorrow. I love to see his personality back however he is so defiant and very disruptive at home and achool since they switched his meds. I realize it can take six weeks to take effect but I feel so bad for all the trouble he is getting in and howthat makes him feel about himself. In addition to that I have a 4 and 5 yr old that have to listen to the rantings of their parents and brother constantly. I feel bad for the both of them.
I saw your posting and know how you feel. It is so hard for other parents to even imagine what a day is like. I am worrying the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed. When my son is stable things are calm but i refuse to put him in a drug coma which i feel he was before. Everyone has noticed he seems happier but all the negative and verbal abuse is directed at me the mom. Sometimes it just wears you down and you want to run but you know you have to be there for them.
This is the first time I have posted and it was great to get it out. All the moms (and Dads) out there be positive and keep strong. It is so hard everyday to see your child suffer but i have to belief there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us. These kids deserve it and so do the families that try to help and support them. Thanks for listening.
By the way has anyones child been on strattera and how long till they saw improvement? Any info would be appreciated or any replies.
glad you were able to vent, on this board we all understand, because we live
it everyday, hang in there!