Need Help With this Please | ADHD Information

I can give her all the tools known to mankind when she is frustrated but it is getting her to 'stop and think' and use those tools.  She hates to be alone so sending her to her room doesn't work well.  She has it in her mind that I have to help her calm.  I just want to get her calm first and then teach her to calm herself.  Someone has suggested a quiet box.  An area with maybe a cuddly, a favourite blanket, one of those stress squezie ball things.  When she is freaking out, take her there and have her use those to calm herself.  I will stay with her but try not to engage her too much.

Today at school she was asked to share a toy she was playing with.  She did but she walked away and pulled down a pile of stacked chairs.  So, grateful she didn' t whack anybody but still needing to teach how to deal with these strong feelings.  It is not easy with a 5yr old :(

Really, goal setting as a preventative works so well you wouldn't believe it.
With my son, who sounds very similar to your daughter, it works leaps
and bounds better than any non-ADHD kid I've ever seen.

It helps if you give your child tools for managing her anger. Make sure
she can recognize and name her feelings when asked. Give her explicit
instructions, and practice them - you can say this, but you can't say this.
You can do this, but you can't do this. Most mornings the last thing I say
to my son before he gets on the bus to school is "remember what to do if
you get frustrated - get away or get a teacher."

Once the freak out happens, I don't know how to cut it short. I try to
keep my son contained and keep him from injuring someone, and then I
wait for him to apologize. And I don't have to ask for it - he's genuinely
horrified by his behavior and sorry for scaring people.

I focus on having fewer and fewer tantrums. Does it happen? Yes.
Happened this Sunday. I told him he was going to go play with his cousin
Peter. I forgot to tell him (I knew, why wouldn't he know?) that first we
would be going to church. So he's ready to play and then he had to sit for
over an hour. He actually kept it together really well considering. But
some of that was due to my bad choice. I should have made sure he
knew what to expect, especially since I expected him to be on his best
behavior.

Giving your child a heads up so she knows what's going to happen - even
if it's the same thing that happened for the past week or month or longer
- because it's not the same every day and it will reassure her to have the
structure. It sounds like she might have difficulty with transitions - that's
common - so give her a heads up when a change is coming and a
countdown, a really long one if something she really likes - I've started
giving time countdowns to a transition as early as an hour in advance.

Learn to what her triggers are and avoid them or warn her about them.
The best defense is a good offense. Cut her off at the pass. It's so much
easier to put a little bit of work into avoiding tantrums rather than dealing
with their aftermath.

Also - talking to my son to make up a gameplan worked wonders. We
decided which behaviors were acceptable and not. And I budged - things
I wanted him to do he said were unreasonable, so we took them off the
list. And he helped make his goals, and decide upon his rewards and
punishments.

One of the best motivators for my son was driving him to school instead
of sending him on the bus. Who'd have thunk it? He liked talking to me
more than playing video games on the bus. Simple things make all the
difference.

You probably want to smack me because I'm repeating everything you've
heard a million times. The thing is that all the tricks that are supposed to
work - like sending a kid to their room - don't work with ADHD kids. It's
not your fault, it's not their fault, they just do things differently. So you've
got to try different things to figure out what works specifically for your
daughter.

You'll figure it out. Give everyone a break and step away. Take a "no
rules" week so you can observe her and see how she ticks compared to
what's "supposed" to be happening. You can do this!

When my daughter gets angry/frustrated/you know the drill/ she may first stomp off, the odd time throw something, or call whoever a name.  That I can deal with.  If she passes the 'point of no return' She cries and cries and cries.  the whole time "I want mommy" "Mommy cuddle me" on and on and on.  I am serious.  She does not stop.  I try to ignore, but she follows me.  I lock myself in the bathroom she bangs on the door (and I can't sit in there forever)  If I continue to ignore or tell her I will not cuddle her until she stops crying/whinning she cries louder or even screams.  Eventually I have to cuddle with her to get her to stop and calm down.  She takes a few minutes and we talk about whatever the issue was and she goes on her merry way.  If I am being stubborn myself this can easily go on for over an hour.

What in the world do I do????  Is she just a control freak?  does she really need me to calm her down, what??

I should mention I also get the "Mommy why aren't you listening to me?"  "I can't take this anymore Mommy."

If I picked her up/ cuddled her the first time she asked this would probably end in 5-10 minutes.  I haven't done that because I feel like I am rewarding negative behaviour.  Now I wonder if I am not doing more harm b/c by the end of it she is absolutely exhausted, her brother is crying or hiding in his room and I am in tears and my DH just numb!

what would you do?

 

Give her some tools to manage frustration.

Jessica N39836.8331134259My son does the same thing. But when he gets to the crying stage, he
has sort of come back around and realized what he has done. He gets a
horrified look on his face. He is legitimately sorry for what he has done,
and is really scared that he inadvertently destroyed our relationship.

It could be different for you, but with my son it's like someone flipped a
light switch. So reassuring him, in our case, is not rewarding negative
behavior, it's rewarding him for getting control of himself again.

And when I sit with him and console him, I talk about what happened and
what he can do to stop it from happening again.

If I don't console him, he has gotten himself worked up into a rage again.
If I do and talk to him about it, it stops him cold.We let my son sit in his room until he can calm down. Then we will engage in conversation with him and discuss what has happened. It has taken a long couple of years where he can converse back. My kids both get sent to their rooms when they're like that.  They know they can come out when they've calmed down, or if I'm really fuming, they have to stay till I calm down as well.  

When my son (10, adhd) was younger both his ped. and therapist advised me to put a lock on the outside of his door because he would come out and follow me around and throw stuff at me.  I think I only had to do it once, after that just the threat confined all misbehavior to the room. 

My son has a history of violent raging tantrums, that thankfull have gotten under control for the most part.  When he would be horribly worked up he really couldn't calm himself down again, but I had to time my intervention just right.  I would listen for when the crying became less angry and more pitiful? scared? sad?, I'm not sure what word to use, but just like when they're babies and you can tell the difference in the cry.  Then I'd go in and rub his back and hold him until he settled. 

Maybe you could send her to her room and give her the chance to calm herself down?  Self- calming is a very important skill, but one that most kids with adhd have trouble with, whether it's mentally or physically.  You could teacher her some tricks, like counting or breathing deeply, maybe post them on the wall and see how it goes.