Am I in denial?? | ADHD Information

Dear all
I have posted here once before several months ago and such a brilliant source of support. What I'd like to know is, even if really briefly, you think I am in denial and need to go and get appropriate diagnosis. I'm scared of opening up a new can of worms (meds etc).

Child 1
I have been struggling with my soon to be 9yo gifted son since he was a baby, really, if I'm honest. He was 'odd',  I preferred "quirky" and it was okay because he was my only child. He would nap, then we'd go to playgroup. He'd get out of his stroller and lie on the floor, cheek down, stroking it. People would say "Is he tired?" and I'd say "Yes..."  <sigh>
He had to touch things like drain covers, manholes as we walked and he HAD to look underneath every car. He was very scared of things, noises, people, new places. He had a big prob with wind blowing people's hats away, beach toys being washed out to sea (we live on a beach in Australia) and magpies pecking his eyes out.
He'd touch things in a strange way (too hard to describe) and was very peculiar about what he ate. He was stubborn as a mule and if cornered would follow through (once helped his dad take ALL of his Thomas trains to the bin) and is extremely challenging now.
He says his life was ruined the day his twin sisters were born and can tell you how many days his life has been ruined. He goes through really bad periods and has attacked me on a couple of occasions due to embarrassment (spitting, biting, pinching, hitting, kicking, swearing) and it has taken 40 minutes to do an 8 minute time out. He tells me he'll punish me afterwards and that I have to sit for 37 minutes (my age!) as MY punishment.
He has been diagnosed with anxiety (although a trait of his dad), a 'gifted' IQ, possible depression and poss ODD. (his dad has smacks of all of these). We've seen a psych on and off for nearly five years and are looking to move to someone else now as she thinks she's gone as far as she can with him (which ain't that far). She has never hinted at ADHD.

Child 2. One of my twins. A girl, 6 year old, non identical. She was a beautiful baby, eat well, slept well. Turned 1 and turned crazy. My mum died around the same time so there is a guilt associated with my feelings at the time. She would tantrum for 40 mins face in the sand because I didn't sit on the beach exactly where she wanted to. And then the sand in her eyes, ears etc were all my fault.
If she fell somewhere and I went to her, she would run away from me and recreate the scene where she had fallen. If I met people in the park (aged around 3) she'd grab my face, pull me to her and say "Don't talk to that stupid woman". Argh. Soooo embarrassing. She had the sort of public tantrums I'd only ever seen on TV (but I now know very very well).

I sent my girls to school a bit early. They could've waited until they were nearly 6 but I couldn't cope with this difficult twin any more so they went when they were nearly 5 (which is a choice in New South Wales). I felt battered and bruised emotionally and really felt like I couldn't take any more. I'm married to the kids' dad but he can't cope with them at all, never has.

The other twin is lovely, really sweet, smart and plays ref between the other two on a regular basis. God love her.

It's a REAL struggle. My ds has put a butter knife under ds's pillow as a 'prank'. He truly thought it was funny and didn't understand why we were devastated - he says almost daily that he wishes she was dead.

This probably isn't enough basic info about the children. DD has struggled to read, can't see something that's in front of her face, mishears and misunderstands almost everything. She's really bubbly and lively, although is practically comatose in front of the TV. She drive my DS absolutely nuts. She is clumsy, attention seeking (God forbid she evers truly hurts herself), loving, friendly, helpful, annoying (follows me everywhere and as another post said, if she gets into a tantrum she almost hyperventilates and follows me everywhere saying "I CAN'T STOP! I CAN'T CALM DOWN! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!".
I get very little respite (family are all overseas) and in fact went back to work when the girls were 4 so I could have a break...

I don't think I've done this justice. In my heart I have always known my DS was different and when he was assessed to have a very high IQ I jumped on the 'gifted' bandwagon as it seemed less scary than the ADHD one... He is extremely popular at school (this doesn't seem to marry with lots of ADHD kids, but I guess you don't need all the traits...) but finds it hard to make new friends in different situations (and I hear him bending their ears relentlessly about Crash Bandicoot or Star Wars even if they appear to have no interest at all).

Ah. Maybe I've answered my own question here. I'm scared.I guess I want a catergorical answer, not a, well it's a bit of this and a bit of that. I am strong person but am beginning to falter under the weight of the last few years. My DH and DS fight almost as much as my DS and DD (they argue and have started swearing at each, and DS always hits DD so he gets in more trouble - before the swearing starts).

I'm looking at being part of a 'study' for children with behavioural and emotional problems at a local Uni. It's very good as it has resources from lots of faculties and experts. And it means we get free counselling (family and individual) for a year plus regular follow ups. I'm scared of committing to this yet they are certain they can help.

What was my question? Oh yes, am I in denial? Is it something else? I've also been someone who has a very bad headache, never a migraine; I might have a very bad cold, but not flu; I have badly behaved children, not ADHD.

Am I in denial? (I realise no one is qualified to answer, but I'd really appreciate some thoughts however small...)

SMP
xxx





how about a hug?? ((HUGS))

I don't have a lot of advice ... but I would say, if you can commit and follow-through with the study, it sounds like it's the place to start for you. In denial? No.... but a mother who loves her children dearly? absolutely. Take it easy on yourself and tap into some resources so you can get help. Best of luck!
I think the knife thing is very serious as well as agitated behavior. talk  to you doc or whoever the perscribing person is and tell them what is going on.

I could not possibly begin to guess what, but it sounds like you have something going on with your DS.  Don't we all here? :)  Who knows what that something is.  We have two confirmed diagnosis of ADHD for my DD but both docs will still say they are not 100% b/c of her age.  I think because ADHD so often co-exists with other disorders like biplar, ODD, etc it is a tough call.  Here in Canada you will not get a doc of any kind to tell you that your kid is bipolar at 5 so they are essentially treated for ADHD if they have enough of the symptoms. 

In the end I look at this way.  Whether my DD has a diagnosis or 'label' or not she still has the problems.  I was afraid if she was DX's with something she would be treated differently.  It has been the opposite however and most seem to be more open to helping her and I swear their patience level has increased. Knowing the ADHD diagnosis has pushed me to learn more about the disorder and I have been able to help her more with what I have learned.  I agree with the above, I would sign up for the study.  I would also get a second opinion.  A fresh look another person cannot hurt.  Best of luck to you

Duh!  I should have mentioned I have twins as well.  DD is ADHD and DS is not.

They are about as different as two people could possibly be :)

I know how scary it can be when you've got a child doing or saying
violent things. My son has made remarks when I discipline him like "why
don't I just kill myself because you want me dead anyway." It freaked me
out and I got him looked at and he isn't suicidal, it's just that the
impulsivity is short circuiting his "I shouldn't say that" button in his head,
and he's just saying whatever he thinks. It is possible that could be going
on with your son.

It's hard to take the first step. But it's worth it. Once you know what's
happening, you can figure out a gameplan that will get you out of this
situation and into a better one. But until you know what's going on you
don't know what direction to go in.

Keep talking - we're here for you.No way are you in denial. You are seriously keeping it real. When  a child has suicidal thoughts or acts act violently you are dealing with something other than ADHD and honestly, ADHD is the least of your worries. As stated no one here can diagnose but you may not be looking at ADHD at all. A child going into a 40 minute tantrum is real cause for concern. You definitely need to get a differential diagnosis, especially for your son as if he is gifted, he is considered "Twice Exceptional" meaning this is a child with a disability who is also exceptionally bright. Being exceptionally bright can bring on its own set of problems. Your children are not badly behaved. You are a great parent who is overwhelmed, scared and reaching out for help but fear will only stifle you and prevent you from getting the chidlren the help they really need.. The acting out may be something beyond their control and yours as well and that's why getting another opinion is critical. There are a multitude of disorders that to the untrained eye "look like" something else, including medical problems. Your moving in the right direction as being part of that study is the best way to identify the issues and the underlying reasons for them and only then you can get your children the help they truly need. The goal is to properly diagnose and get the right treatment so that the entire family unit can move towards the goal of having quality of life as individuals and a family. Hugs to you