Lying.....I’m so sad... | ADHD Information

Will has a behavior sheet filled out every day for him to let me know how he's doing in school. It's blocked off with 12 slots and he either gets a smiley or a sad face for each block.

Today he came home and handed me one of his sheets. He got 12/12 smiley faces, which is VERY rare.. But I couldn't help but notice that it looked just like the one he got last week.  I know this because one of his teachers had a sub and she wrote sub on it.

I asked him, he said it was from today.  Then he starts talking about his day, and messed up by saying Mrs Williams said, then stopped and LIED with Mrs Williams wrote a note and told the class.....blah blah blah.

THEN.. When I asked why he didn't bring me the real one (the one that he got from today with 4 out of 12 smileys, the one where he KNOWS he will be grounded from games and TV), he said because he wanted to tell me himself.  SO he threw it away.

Three lies..I am just so sad... How can I trust him? Thank goodness he's not very good at it but still.  What do I do? He is grounded for 7 days, but I just don't feel that this is enough.  And it wasn't so much of an impulse thing either.  He got in the van, handed me the sheet without me even asking for it. He planned this out.

I am just broken hearted. And no, it's not his first lie, but I'm sad that he just kept on lying about it, trying his best to cover his tracks.

He said it himself - he felt backed up against a wall and so he had to lie.
So change how you discipline him; make it so he's less up against the wall
and more likely to learn from his errors. Flip it around. Use these sheets
as a way to earn something he wants. Like, he can watch 1/2 hour of TV
every day so long as he brings home the correct sheet. But if he gets 11
or 12/12 then he gets an extra half hour, something like that.

The sheets didn't work at all when the focus was on the negative for my
son. When he knew he had a baseline that school didn't affect at all, but
he could get more if he worked harder, it was like flipping a lightswitch.

However, if he did something to disrupt your relationship - like lying -
then that's completely separate from the school sheets. Because it
happened at home then everything that happens at home could be
suspended.

Punishing at home for what happened at school didn't work because it
was too distant. For my son it went from, "I made a bad choice" to "I am
a bad kid so I can't watch tv."

I think discipline should be treated exactly the same way as medication -
if it isn't working adjust the dose or change the prescription. Tell him
you've noticed the rules you have aren't working so you're changing
them, and get radical.

Best of luck to you!

For this specific issue, one easy solution is to ask the teacher to write the date on top of each sheet.  Also, ask her to mark it in pen.  When my son used a behavior chart, I could tell sometimes he would erase it and change it.  Part of it was wanting to earn the reward and have his parents be happy with his day, but part of it was the impulsivity of not being able to stop himself from doing the wrong thing and changing it (this was pre-diagnosis and pre-meds).

In general, I agree w/ Corrina about focusing on positives instead of focusing on negatives.  It's easy to flip it around.  Instead of losing 1/2 hour of TV, for example, he's earning 1/2 hour of TV.  By focusing on the positive, you build self-esteem and his confidence that he can do this. 

Another important thing in successful behavior modification is to make sure that the goals are attainable.  You need to make sure that he can experience success, for you don't want to make him feel like a failure.  So, start with a number of smiley faces that you know he can do.  Then, after 1 week of consistently meeting the goal, stretch it out and have him need more smiley faces in order to get the reward.  Also, make sure you praise him a lot, even on days when bad behavior occurred.  What is it, you need 3 positives for each negative so that you don't tear down a child's self-esteem?  Even if he did one really horrible thing, make sure you're also praising him for all of the good points in the day.  Also make sure that you praise him for trying and show confidence in him that you know he can do it.

If you want to read more about behavior modification and ADHD, Russell Barkeley wrote a fantastic book that covered this topic.  I can't think of the name right now.  Does anybody know?

I know you feel very down right now that he lied.  Honestly, this sounds like normal kid behavior.  He didn't want to get punished, and he also didn't want to disappoint mom, so he tried to sneak his way out of it.  I'm not condoning the behavior, but I wouldn't get too upset about it.

I'm wondering about grounding him for 7 days for lying this one day.  For my child, that would perpetuate negativity and probably lead to more negative behaviors.  Is there any way to make the consequence more immediate and not as long-lasting?  Maybe he could write an apology letter to the teacher that he gave you the wrong sheet (or, he can dictate it and have you do the writing)?  Maybe discuss with him what his consequence should be if he ever tries to switch the charts again?  I'm sometimes amazed at the consequences my child comes up with for himself.  By helping to create the consequence, he feels empowered and buys into the process, and I think that makes him less likely to repeat the negative behavior.

I'm throwing out a lot of ideas and info. I've come across in the hopes that something will be helpful to you.  You know your child best and what works best for him.  Good luck!

 

I'm new here but I just wanted to say that I agree with Corrina and Mom2ADHDboy.  My son has been lying too.  He steals money lying around the house that my other 2 kids just leave.  Of course I fuss at them for not putting away their money but just the other day he got into my purse and stole a bill and a bill!  He then lied about it.  It really breaks my heart and it is frustrating.  But I focus on teaching him rather than simply punishing.  I try to make all of my punishments immediate and effective.  Something that goes on too long doesn't work well with him vs. my other kids.  Instant punishments include writing sentences - which is pure torture for him, being grounded for the rest of the day - again torture, being sent to his room alone for 20-30 minutes - more torture, etc.  If its something small then 7 minutes in the corner or time-out chair work well.  Sometimes he loses an afternoon up to a whole day of video games/TV/computers.  The only time I take video games away for a whole week is if I notice his behavior has become aggressive.  The video game is put away in my closet until the yelling/hitting/negativity stops.  I read once that punishments should relate directly to the crime.  So intentionally planning out a lie like this could maybe include having to tell the teacher what he did and then helping her   in the class or otherwise be a good helper to you.  To some people it seems like I hardly punish my son, but what I do with him makes him think and after awhile the behavior eventually stops.  Its effective for us and that's why I stick with it.  Punishment doesn't really have to look like punishment as long as it is changing his negative behavior.  For instance sending my son to his room forces him to find ways to play with his toys instead of fighting with his brother over a video game.  I hope you find the right solution for you guys!   I have found that long term punishing just exhasterbates the situation here. It needs to be swift and tough I also believe that 3 goods to each bad is a good idea I wish you luck! Sorry to see will is having a hard time. Jake is as well He also steals and lies, it is just part of the territory.Another hill to conquer.spamula39847.2600115741

I'm sorry, I guess I was just venting..

We do reward him with good behavior in school.  If he gets all 12 smileys, he pretty much gets to do whatever he wants in the afternoon.  If he gets less, he has less privileges but this lying thing just really upsets me. We have enough troubles without adding that to it.

I cannot undo the grounding now that I've already done it but I did tell him if he was very good for the rest of the week, he can earn something back for the weekend. I know that's long term but if I give in, it will only make things worse.  I know he can do it, he just needs to want it.

I hate not being able to trust him...

If he's lying he's feeling pressured. I know that it feels like a slap in the
face, but I'd try to work on getting him back to a place where he doesn't
feel like he needs to lie.

I hope you don't feel like we were coming down on you or the choices
you've made parenting your son. You know him - we only know our kids.
We're just suggesting things that have worked with our kids.

And I'm sure you can trust your son. He's lying about one thing - unless
other things are going on that you're not describing, then you can trust
him with everything except these sheets.

Another way around it is to have his teacher email you with the info. My
son didn't do well at all with taking home daily progress reports. Unless
he did perfectly all day, he'd sit and stew about what went wrong.