Playdates Difficult to Come By | ADHD Information

Hello,

I have a 7 year old boy who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5
1/2. He is currently on Strattera and is doing extremely well in school and
fairly well at home. He still has lots of focus issues and hyperactivity, but
he is definitely doing better overall and is thriving in school.

The issue that I still continue to have is that although he seems to be
well-liked by his classmates, he doesn't seem to have that one buddy or
best friend. He goes to a private school where all of the kids know each
other. There are only two classes in his grade level.   He is friendly with
the other kids, but he's never been asked for a playdate by any of the
classmates. I have asked several kids (at least twice) for playdates, but
am tired of Mom's not reciprocating. I think my son is a GREAT kid, but
he has tons of energy and I think perhaps that scares certain kids (and
parents away?) He is currently in a social skills class which has helped
quite a bit.   

So, do I continue to try to set up playdates for him or just let him take the
lead. He doesn't ever ask to have any and he seems pretty content to just
play with his brothers at home. It's me that is worried about him socially!
Shouldn't he have more friends at this point? We also just had an instance
where the mother of a neighborhood friend came over with her son and
my son was very nice with her child, but hyper. She now told me that
she'd like to have a playdate with her other child who is close in age to
my other son and made an excuse about getting our two older ones
together. Do I let my younger one hang out with her child, even though I
feel like we're sort of a package deal and we all go together?   I'm trying
not to take it personally because my 7 year old is really an amazing kid,
but I'm kind of offended.

Any suggestions on any or all of these issues?!!

Thanks so much!! What about kids in your neighborhood?

My son has friends in a number of different places, and it helps him to
compartmentalize the friendships. He has a neighbor "best friend", one
in his classroom, one in his special ed room, one on the bus, etc. It's
actually difficult for him to be with them outside of the environment he's
used to seeing them in.

Perhaps I'm not the one to give you the best advice, because I think the
concept of a "playdate" is a ridiculous form of helicopter parenting. It's
ludicrous that parents have to pair off their kids so they can learn social
skills.

What might be better if one-on-one isn't being reciprocated is having
him join a group, like the cub scouts or karate or something like that.

About the neighbor - I'm totally not getting your concern about that -
isn't that what you want, for your son to be asked to a playdate? Are you
concerned about it because it's not one-on-one but rather two-on-two?
Or is it because the kids don't go to the same private school as yours do?

Kids with ADHD do wear other kids out. Not all kids, not all the time. I
think it's damaging to force an ADHD kid to be with a non-tolerant non-
ADHD kid. It's an exercise in frustration, and the ADHD kid will assume
the blame for their clashes for being the different one.

I'm probably coming off as really snippy, and I don't mean to be. I just
don't understand your point - it sounds like you've been offered exactly
what you want but you're still criticizing it.

Please keep in mind that in a lot of ways kids with ADHD are not going to
be like non-ADHD kids, and that's just fine. Look for the lists of great
things about ADHD kids. It's not the same, so you can't force them into
the same box. You've got to think differently. It sounds like playdates
just aren't working with your son. You can't change or fix that. Instead,
try something new, and give him a new opportunity to be social.

And if you're really concerned, check with his teacher at school. He could
be a social butterfly and has completely exhausted his social capabilities
by the time he gets home so he just wants to be some place where he
doesn't feel like he's on pins and needles trying to keep his focus in
check.

In a nutshell I'd say give both yourself and your son a break on this issue.
If he comes home and says he has no friends, okay, then you need to
intervene immediately. But if it's working for him, and he has so much he
already has to deal with, don't throw another monkey wrench at him and
insist he conform to something that obviously isn't what he's best at.

Good luck with this!

My son was labeled early on. So playdates never happened. Very seldom did he also get invited to birthday parties.

I toughened up because I too think my son is awesome and the best friend another kid could ever be lucky to have.

We enrolled him in activities after school, sports, chess club, lego clubs, etc. We even went out of town looking for friends and for him not to be in the same classes. It is so hard with our babies, and I always thought that the parents of the other children were worse than their own kids.

I discovered when we took a cruise and my son was 10 at the time, he met and befriended so many kids. He had the best week of his life. That is when I realized it is not my son with the problems, but the other kids!! And it is probably because they labeled my son!

Keep your son involved in any activities that he likes and keep him happy. It will all work its way out in the end. I have also said that my son will be an asset to society when he grows up. He has so much compassion for others because of what was done to him. He has even said to me that I never want to make others feel the way that the kids at school have made me feel. Too bad those kids don't even get it!! Their loss on a great friend!!

 

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your input!

Re: the neighbor issue, I just wanted to clarify. We just moved into a new
house and a new neighbor brought her 7 year old over to play with my 7
year old. During this time together, my son was very nice and friendly,
but pretty wild. At the beginning of our get together, the neighbor said
she wanted my son to come over to her house sometime, too.   Now,
three days after the get together, she mentioned that since my older son
"seems so busy", maybe we should just get our younger kids together
instead. I feel like she thinks my son was overwhelming to her son and
now she doesn't want the kids to get together. My younger son is calm
and non-ADHD. So, do I go ahead and plan a get together with the little
ones or do I just forget getting together since I always feel like we come
as a package? I don't want to hurt my little ones from making new
friends so not sure what to do.   Thanks!

this is MY OPINION:

I wouldn't do a playdate and NOT include your son. He is being excluded by your neighbor. I don't think it is fair. I hate to see him left out.

Tell me, our your two boys very close? I think it is so nice when that happens, brothers being best friends. My two (son & daughter) are close in their own way. They each watch out for each other, and would fight anyone who was disrespectful to the other, but they do fight - 9 & 11. My son is the older one.

Again, I would not leave your older boy out - that is cruel. I would also say something to the neighbor like it is not fair to my other boy. and tell it would be mean. Then see what she says!!  It doesn't make her seem too nice!!

Thanks for your advice. I think the neighbor is thinking that we would just
get the younger boys together when the older boys are in school (my
younger son is in preschool)..so basically my older son wouldn't be sitting at
home while we're at a playdate and probably wouldn't even know. It's hard
because I don't want my younger son to be punished and left out of things
because his older brother isn't developing friendships as easily. My boys are
GREAT friends and do have each other so I find solace in that!

< =text/>_popupControl(); We have been, and kind of still are, where you are. I set up date after date for my son, and he never got a return invitation for YEARS. This really ticked me off for a long time, but after talking about it with other parents in the area (with children not in my son's age range so that thay wouldn't feel I was pressuring them to invite him), I came to realize that in our little town, parents just don't have the time or interest in inviting other kids to their homes. Here my kid was being hyper-social, all the while I was assuming that he was being left out!! It never bothered him that he didn't get invited to anyone's house....in fact, it never occured to him that it wasn't happening.  My husband is very electronically oriented, so we have several computers and about 5 different game systems, so my son just loves having people over and showing them all his favorite games and programs. And they actually call here asking to come over! 

Do I feel like other parents sometimes take advantage of our willingness to have their kids here? SURE! But now, at 10, my son actually said to me the other day, after a discussion about taking just 2 friends to see "Mall Cop" and finding it hard to pick, "Geez, a lot of people like me now!"   He has grown up so much and his classmates have grown up enough to the point that now they get his sense of humor and how he talks (like  a forty-year-old English Lit professor!) that I can only see things getting better.

Hang in there and keep asking those kids over! It pays dividends in the end that will serve your son for a long time to come. (And you'll always know where he is! Heh, heh.) 

I also think it's a good idea to get the younger kids together. Besides this would give you an opportunity to get to know the other mom better and maybe find out more about what she is thinking about the older boys playing together. Maybe if you gave her more background info on your son, she would be more open to playdates for the older boys. Maybe just keep them short, or have them play outside?
Also, I would try not to take a lack of playdates personally. These days a lot of people are just really busy and having playdates for their kids just isn't a priority, unfortunately. Also, if your son seems content with things as they are, I wouldn't stress too much.
Both my kids have had times when friends are scarce, but that can change in a hurry. If you have to keep inviting kids and it's not reciprocated, I would just keep doing it. At least you know where your kids are and what they're doing!
It seems like it might be a good solution to have the younger kids together
when the older ones are at school, especially since they probably don't have
as many opportunities to socialize.

Ask your son what he things about playdates. Take your lead from what he
wants.

I don't think that you have to treat all your kids the same, because they're
not the same. What might be great for one might be torture to the other.
Just make sure they don't compare notes - if one is teasing the other about
it, it won't work.

 

BETHANN WROTE

"I discovered when we took a cruise and my son was 10 at the time, he met and befriended so many kids. He had the best week of his life. That is when I realized it is not my son with the problems, but the other kids!! And it is probably because they labeled my son! "

I so agree ! We had the same thing happen with my DD. SHe has great friends at school, but only a couple of girls in the neighborhood will play with her because the leader of the pack decided to ostracize her. It does bother her, though. She even tried to do the same to her younger sister when she became old enough to be included .  We are working on that and the two are starting to become friends as well as sisters.

In all, I found out that the parents who care are the ones who will take the time to work with you and your children. I have taken the tough stance that if one of my children is not welcome, neither of them is welcome to play in someone's house. That is helping the older sister to do a better job of not ostracizing her own sister as well .