Help! | ADHD Information

I'm not even sure how to ask this question...

I'm at a total loss...I feel so inept, useless and like a complete failure.

We have been doing everything...reading, parenting classes, chip system, IEP, healthy diet, supplements...blah blah blah...

And some helps, although I'm not sure anymore what helps and by how much...

I'm tired!  I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of negotiating, I'm tired of pleading...

He just does NOT do what he's supposed to. Every single thing is a battle...not like full fledged defiance, although that does happen from time to time...everything is a friggin discusion/debate/negotiation/info session...it's insane!

And when there isn't that to drag things out, he just doddles! Evreything from getting dressed to eating to brushing teeth, getting out the door, cleaning up, EVERYTHING takes 10x longer than it should! We get barely any quality time in this house, none of us...because we are all pushing, reminding, helping, etc.

It's EXHAUSTING! and I'm sick of it!

How do I get this child to MOVE?! I don't want him to go like a bat out of he!!, I just want him to put another fork full of food into his mouth when it's empty. Or to put his pants on RIGHT after he puts his underware on, etc.  What am I doing wrong that I have to tell him every single step (repeatedly) all the time?

On weekends I give myself a break, what's the rush? Plus DH can pick up some slack & bark too...and it seems we don't get out of this house until noon! I sit there shaking my head everyday! On weekends I marvel at how I am able to get him out the door for the bus by 7:45!

He could care less, and even says so, about the chip system.  He goes without and it doesn't effect him. It takes him 3 days to earn what he could in 1, and then he doesn't even care to cash it in.  I don't know why I do it, but I even motivate him to buy rewards...I guess I'm hoping that something will 'click' and he'll somehow start caring about doing well FOR rewards...

My head hurts! I'm tired and I am out of ideas!

edited to add...often I think he doesn't get rewards because he doesn't have the time to...there is literally no spare time around here...it's all sucked by procrastination (or whatever)...but he doesn't even ask for stuff...sometimes he'll ask to watch a TV show, but it seems like it's always 5 minutes before dinner hits the table, so regardless of how many chips he's earned, that answer is no...he knows this too.  The whole chip system is a giant flop because it's meaningless to him...so the penalty of loss or half credit or even a bonus has no impact.

*KJ*39877.3773611111Umm.... are you sure you don't have MY son at your house??!?!? 

We just decreased my son's dosage of Vyvanse (from 30mg to 20mg) to see if we can still get the same positive effects/results without all the drama/rebound effects we get in the afternoon. I think personally **OUR** problems in the morning are a direct result of his sleeping habits (which are poor at the moment) but I SO feel ya about trying to get him out the door in the mornings.

Rewards don't really work .... we've stopped rewarding him for good behavior at school, because he's always behaving. Now, we do rewards for a week's worth of good behavior at home; he's yet to attain this goal, ARGH!

I'm hoping that the rebound effects in the afternoon lessen with the decreased Vyvanse and that his sleep improves with the INCREASE of Clonidine. THat should take care of our issues.

But ((HUGS)) in any case cause I so hear ya!!

OMG!  I SOOO hope the med adjustment helps you guys!

DS isn't on meds.  It hasn't been recommended, perhaps because he's just turned 6???? I'm not sure how I feel about them anyway...not even sure it would help.

It's not so much the drama, although I am giving my fair share of it right now, kinda thowing my own little tantrum...I'm just SO fed up!  It's just the time it takes to get anythng done, and the more pressure you put on him the more resistance you get back.  So all I can really do is, remind him remind him remind him...and if he ignored me, my voice goes up...when DH gets fed up enough he does things for him, like dress him for bed or brush his teeth, stuff like that...and it's not a pleasant experience for DS...but it just doesn't give him the incentive like:

"Oh, Daddy's told me already 10x to put the paste on the brush, I ought to move it, his face is getting stern, I don't want him brushing my teeth" 

He just goes on & on with whatever story he's telling or whatever, meanwhile we get more & more frustrated...

If we just leave him to do things...like sitting at the table in the morning eating, I swear over the course of 30 minutes he would take 2 bites!

Most mornings the bus is outside waiting for him to get his coat on...

Should I send him to school with his jacket in hand, shoes untied, empty belly and unbrushed teeth?

Seems like he'd then decide that he can doddle longer, cuz heck he doesn't have to tie his shoes brush his teeth or eat, so more time to dilly-dally...

Then I could hear it too...

"Buddy, eat up"

"Actually Mommy, yesterday I only had 2 bites and I was fine all morning"

"Buddy, you need to eat so that you have energy at school"

"Well, what if I have 2 bites of this cereal, will that be enough?"

"No!"

"Well yesterday I had only 2 bites of french toast, and that was enough."

"I'm willing to bet that you were not ok.  That you did not have all the energy you needed and that you were a little cranky too"

"MOMMY I SAID I WAS FINE"

"Listen, have 5 more bites then you can be done."

"No, I said I'm fine"

"You need to eat breakfast"

"I'm full"

"BUDDY, WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING I EXPECT YOU TO DO IT, NOT NEGOTATE AND DEBATE IT! I'M TIRED OF WASTING FOOD, NOW EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!"

MOMMMMMMMMMMY, I SAID I'M FULLLLLLLLLL!"

And I could imagine a similar conversation about untied shoes...

*KJ*39877.4643171296

KJ,

Hi, how old is he? Is he on medication? My friend had her son diagnosed due to your entire email. The teachers even know. he couldn't move from one place to the next to finish work in kindergarten. he is very smart and artistic but just couldn't transition to the next table.

He sounds add, easily distracted. No hyper? Mine is very HHHHHH and impulsive, in addition to inattentive.

Meds have helped him tremendously. We started when he was turning 7.

 

My son started on meds at age 6.5yrs old, though we were suspecting problems with ADD/ADHD when he was 5yrs old and in kindergarten. We thought it was a teacher-student personality conflict (which I think, a LOT of it was) but it became apparent in 1st grade, that it wasn't just the teacher, it was my son's inability to focus and his lack of impulse control. He started on meds in December of 2008, and aside from our current situation, he's done really well. His ability to do his school work AND do it well, dramatically increased within 2weeks of starting the med. He went from reading BELOW kindy level in September to HIGH 2nd grade level now. Just in 6months almost!

I wasn't thrilled with the idea of meds but because I have an autistic son and knew how much meds *could* help, we were willing to try it to see how it works. So far, it works pretty well.

Hopefully the med dosage changes work for us, because as my son says it "enough is enough!"

He's just turned 6.

He's been diagnosed ADHD, combined type.  He is hyper...very...very hyper & distractable, bounces from one thing to the next.  It's taken a long time to just get him to stay seated at mealtime, but it seems his mind keeps him from taking the next step, even when he stays put...he just chatters and fidgits, whatever.

No meds, they are not recommending it yet.  I think because he's in kindergarten and isn't required to sit all day?? Also they have recommended these other interventions...the parenting class, chip system, cogmed, behavioral therapies, etc.  Perhaps they want all that to see how much he can do without meds??

His attention has improved greatly, we are attributing it to cogmed.  But he still needs redirections.

I'm scared of meds...I know that's common...he's had some really bad experiences with meds so that makes it harder for me too.  Is that REALLY the only way?

For my son it was. He is very happy, a wonderful son. I am so proud to be his mother. I wouldn't trade him in for ANYTHING.

Yes he is HHHHHHH and impulsive, but he is sensitive, compassionate, the best friend anyone would be lucky to have. I am blessed.

My son was labeled early on. I wish I had started him on meds in kindergarten because his first grade social year was a disaster. Parents, teachers were the worst. He had an IEp due to speech and sensory, but no adhd meds. We kept adhd a secret. Then the teacher came to me to help him. And it worked.

He is an A student, wins awards, a future engineer ( hist teachers tell us) and so awesome to be with. Socially he was labeled and it bothered him. But he rose above it and did other things after school to stay involved. the kids in his class were brutal, but he survived. He knows what makes HIM happy and does it!!

that is our story, short and sweet, and there were lots of tears from me (going back to work, that saved my life)

Get ready to defend him and advocate. My son also is allowed to take SAT's untimed, as well as state tests. He does not recieve special ed, but does get speech. he has a 504 for special accomodations. I also have on the form notes for the teachers to help keep him organized, but he does a good job so far of that himself.

We've been through a lot with him...I did an intro, but I know there are many here...he was born 3 months early, recieved EI since 3mos old, then aged into preschool @3, was originally diagnosed with a seizure disorder, then PDD-NOS, now he's 'advanced' to ADHD. 

I love him to death too...he's the sweetest thing...he makes me wish I had an older brother, he's SO AWESOME with his little sister!

His behaviors & quirks have already cost him friends, but he doesn't really know that...but is sad that he 'doesn't get to play with' certain kids too much anymore.

I'm starting to feel like we need to explore meds too...but I'm terrified! And I HATE how hard our family time is!

But back to school...they are awesome with him, and have seen MUCH progress through accomadations.  I (knock on wood) have had the best experience with them so far...I've heard some pretty bad horror stories, and still sorta have my guard up, waiting, but so far we've been real lucky at school! They take all the recommendations from his docs, and happily incorporate them...

kj, we too were in EI, then sent to an integrated preschool who did NOT provide services. Due to me catching on finally, they gave him an IEP for kindergarten. I did not bring meds into the picture until end of first grade, my big mistake. Labeling began and still haunts him!!

I am not a med pusher, but, it truly saved his life. he would not be as successful as he is now. the kids in town are snobs, moms are worse. Very competitive.

Do what your gut tells you, but meds are nothing to fear. He needs your help. People compare it to presciption glasses, et. If the child needs it, would you ever deny him?

please ask me anything. I feel like I have been around the world with my son!!

BETHANN39877.5211574074

 KJ wrote: don't giving the meds kinda guarantee that he'll be on them forever?

No, there are kids who "outgrow" them or at least learn to compensate for their inattention sometime around middle school-ish age. Would you not give insulin knowing that your child would need that for life?  Not giving the meds does not make the source of need go away.

When & how does he learn to control his own behavior? 

The thing about the meds is, they are not a magic bullet. They are a help, not a solution. Like any child, your child will still need to learn to make good choices. What's more, an adhder needs to learn even more about how to monitor their own behavior and realize when they are getting out of control or making poor choices. He learns to control and monitor himself the way any child does: over time through trial and error.

Starting meds isn't an end, the final word on your child's adhd. It's the  beginning of a journey that could wind through a few meds, perhaps a combination of meds and therapy, and could very well end in stopping meds or handing over that decision to your child when he's old enough.

BPQW39881.6105439815 < =text/>_popupControl(); KJ,   your journey sounds like the beginning of ours!  We tried it all and it all worked...for a little while, then nothing.  We finally took the meds plunge for many reasons, not the least of which was the social stigma his behavior was causing him.  It's been a few years now and things are going well: lots of friends, great grades, I'm sane and my blood pressure is under control (it really took a beating from all the frustrated yelling!), and he's really happy with his life right now. The behavior you are describing is typical adhd. I hate to seem harsh, but according to our psych, behavioral modifications are more effective for you than they are for the child ( because each new mod resets our patience and reminds us to be flexible with our children) and it's the actual physical part of the adhder's brain that needs treatment, not the behavior that results from it. I hope that you can find what your child needs. Good luck!

I was lucky that his first grade teacher held my hand. She tried everything with him, even behavior mod with him losing his recess. She tried to see if he was able to control it, but he wasn't and SHE also knew.

We started the meds and she would meet me everyday and let me know how he was. he had a HORRIBLE time with adderall xr, which she told me of and we stopped IMMEDIATELY. We stopped meds since school was getting out and started over with the help of a psychopharmocologist who got us where we are today. It did take the fall semester of second grade to finally level off on the right dose of concerta, but we did. He stayed there for 3 years and then was increased and is still there, going on year 3. He may need an increase soon, but we will if we have to.

My son also knows he needs the meds and how much they help him control what his brain will not!

My story is the same as many.  Because my daughter was so bad at school she was diagnosed at 4 yrs old.  She was already thrown out of 2 day cares and we were arguing with the 3rd one. Finally found a day care that would work with her.  Thought going into the school system for Kindergarden would be great because the school would have the tools and means to work with her....wrong!! I had to push and argue every step of the way to get her the help she needed.  I promised myself I would not medicate her unless 5 professionals told me I was doing more harm then good by not medicating her.  I have no idea why I picked the number 5 but I did.  By the time she was 8 yrs old I had 5 professionals telling me to medicate her so I did.  I have her on Focalin XR 15 mgs and she gets a 5mg pill in the early evening when needed. Dealing with her school was the hardest part of it all.  Looking back know I dont know how I did not run away and hide.  Believe me she still has her moments enough times but she is nothing like she used to be.  She is developing a fantastic sense of humor.

I have this 'thing' in my head about meds...please forgive me, I don't know how to say it without it sounding offensive...I don't at all mean to be...this is what kinda has me 'stuck'...mind you meds haven't even been recommended yet either!

Ok, so I'm thinking he's 6....how much of this behavior is for THAT reason????  How much of this is really an immuturity thing? How much is because I'm the worlds worst mother? I know you are all going to harp on me with that...but seriously, how much is due to my inability to raise him correctly?

Ok, so that's sor starters...so suppose from that little 'reflection' we conclude that there is enough left over that warrants meds...don't giving the meds kinda guarantee that he'll be on them forever?  When & how does he learn to control his own behavior?  I feel like if I start down the med path, it's a life sentence...

Plus, and this is a BIG plus, as I mentioned we've had some pretty horrible experiences with other meds...things that shouldn't affect him, DO!  Antibiotics, tylenol, benadryl, anticonvulsants, ant-acids, appetite stimulants... I am absolutely TERRIFIED to give him medicine that was designed to affect his behavior!

Good morning KJ!

I too was that way. I was afraid. But now 6 years later, I am still dealing with guilt over NOT medicating him sooner.

My son suffered due to MY fears. He should never have been labeled and suffered lack of friends and social inclusion. he would have not been impulsive and hyper to make the kids think he was weird, nor the mothers to be a ghast at his behavior. People are ignorant and it is just the way it is.

I should have protected him better. He is now fine but I was 2 years too late.

He was just a little innocent boy.

This morning was the worse F'N morning!  And to add insult to injury, I swear the kid either has ESP or is following my angst online!

So, he gets up this morning, dresses and goes down stairs, all before me...GREAT!  Things are moving today, I'm thinking.

Normally I ask him the night before if he would like to cash in chips to get his choice for breakfast &/or lunch the next day, but I forgot last night.  And as I mentioned, he doesn't initiate 'rewards' so...

I get down stairs, it's really early, so I ask him if he'd like to chose his breakfast &/or lunch...I get a grumpy "No!"

Ok, whatever...and I proceed to make him a fried egg sandwich...he likes eggs, and often says that Friday's are for fried eggs...I always forget that, so today I remembered & thought he'd like that I finally remembered fied egg Friday.

Boy was I wrong!  He starts yelling and protesting about the f'n egg!

ohhh...I don't even feel like reliving the whole story, I'm sure you can 'imagine' it...

in the end, I had to put his shoes on for him AND tie them, threaten him with time out to get his teeth brushed, and sent him off with little more than a couple bites of breakfast in him...

WTF!