Did I do wrong? | ADHD Information

so here is the cliff notes version:  Child was being picked on in class, teacher notified, kids apologized, then ended up in guidance cause it didnt stop, then the principals office etc...  Those boys finally stopped and things seemed ok at school. 

The other day, my cell rang and it was a boy in the class named Robbie who asked for my son.  He asked if Andrew was playing at our home.  I found out later that this boy also plays with Andrew and he told Andrew that he was weird for playing with my son.    So, today, my son comes home and informs me that Robbie called him a "jackass".  I immediately called Robbies number from my cell  (called ID) and his mom answered.  I introduced myself and gave her a cliff notes version of events.  She stated that she hated to cut me off but she had to leave and she would talk to her son and make sure it didnt happen again.  I didnt think I got a great reception but, what else was there to do?

Hubby thinks I should not have called.  I say, take it to the parent.  I asked my son why he thought this always seemed to happen to him.  He said" maybe the way I talk or dress".  I told him that he talked fine and was dressed well, better than most.  That it was because, after social skills training, counseling and numerous discussions, he still had not learned not to get into peoples faces. to boss people around and to be pushy and this would not stop until he learned to control himself.

He ran off crying to his room.  I sincerely did not mean to hurt him.  I just dont want him to be picked on anymore.  Anyone who is even slightly nice to him for more than a minute he trusts and considers a friend.  One boy in the neighborhood only wants to come down if my son will trade him his best pokeman's.  He stopped coming around after I told my son not to trade anymore.    Is there anything else I should be doing?  I truly feel in my heart that by the time my son is 12, we will be home schooling, just to protect him from abuse at the hands of his classmates.

 

He needs a social life. He wants one as well. He is willing to do ANYTHING to have one.

I feel so bad for both of you. I know that there have been times that I wanted to take my son to another school to give him a fresh start, but it ended up happening in middle school. Social came together for him there, at least better than in elementary.

It is obvious to your post that these kids only want SOMETHING from him, but that is so true in life. He needs to find a friendship that goes both ways.

Is your son 8? If so, he is still young and these other kids are as well.

Do the kids make fun or say things about the way he talks or dresses, believe me, kids are cruel about everything.

Robbie sounds like he wants ANdrew to play with only him and is afraid that you son may take him away from him, your son is a threat to him.

I still believe your son wants/craves social. He needs it. If he is only 8, he still has a few years before you possibly home school him and a lot can change.

I would apologize to your son for him crying so he feels better and cross your fingers for school today that he is ok with the kids.

I hope this helps you and please let us know how the day goes for BOTH you and your son.

this is probably the most sensitive subject involving our ADHD'ers for me.

thank you!!

I'm with you - I would have called. Bullying is rampant. I would also report
to the school that the kid is using cel phones in order to bully - they might
curb their tech access at school. It's a rampant problem and not just for kids
with ADHD. So sorry your son has been targeted. Have you tried any groups
outside of school? Especially with the self-discipline issue, I think karate
would be a great match. Self-control is one of the main goals.

Best of luck!

well, he likes skate boarding so he has lessons every Saturday from 10-12.  He has a good friend that lives across the street and they play together a lot.  He also has Andrew who calls a lot to play.  Andrew's mom and I discussed asking the teacher to keep them together next year so my son has one friend in the class. We might just do karate on top of that as well.

Hubby thinks I should just let my son work it out for himself.  The problem with that is I remember my own childhood, severe ADHD just like him, almost no friends, constantly picked on in class, things thrown at you in the hallways and I know that it will not get better for him when he gets older, it will be worse.  As a boy, fist fights will be more prevelant, maybe more.  I dont want him to bemr popular, just not be the constant target...you know?

I too remember the school years and bullying. I hated it, it was wrong. now a days I think people are more on top of it.

Try not to think he is going through the same as you went through. Yours sounds lousy, mine was as well. And to make matters worse, my parents did NOTHING!!

I get so emotional that I say things to the lousy kids. We have mine being bullied so I do the speaking up to them. these kids are older as well. Picking on my little girl, shame on them.

This is why I am so sensitive to the bullying and kids having no friends. I remember recess being alone and eating alone. who would want to eat or play alone?

Just keep doing what you are dong, I will too. Our kids will be fine, because we will see to it!!

well, my parents also did nothing when I was groeing up.  My mother did not know how to handle me so she sort of just ignored me, that is unless she was screaming at me for something.  She favored my sisters and they followed her lead, leading up to the fact that my 2 sisters to this day are close, vacationing together and I have almost no contact with them at all.

I had rubber bands snapped at me, one getting me in the eye, I could not even walk down the hallway without someone trying to shove or push me.  I absolutely will not allow my child to be subjected to that.  I ask him daily what is happenning at school (something my mother never did) and explain to him over and over what he needs to do.

I do have some friends now, not a lot and I find that I am very superficial with people.  I have never had a friend that I could tell everything to and that would always " have my back" like other people have. 

That is why I am so on top of what is happening with my son. He is sweet, loves animals and plantsm loves to ride his bicycle, ride skateboards, play pokeman on his nintendo.  He does not have an inside voice at all ( I still dont) and he is loud and overbearing to other kids.  We are working on it, believe me!!!!

and here I thought being "Loudmouth Ley" was a character flaw!  It was just ADHD all along.  Thanks for the affirmation.  And yes, that was a nickname used.  I'm still loud, always will be I think except when I make a conscious effort to be quieter.  But hey, if they can't handle it, then too bad!

Longsally, we are so much alike!!

I never was hurt by like a rubber band, but my family always thought there was something wrong with me, always. I never had their approval. As an adult, I tried to fix it the best I could by finally sticking up for myself. Today I do NOT talk to either brother. My parents have had our ups and downs and if it wasn't for my mother NOT leaving my life, even when I wanted her to, I wouldn't have a relationship with my parents. They all just don't get it. I am very sensitive and a lot smarter than given credit. I am also on my own, even though my dads helps keep his sons employed. I work for a great company but did it all by myself.

I too am on top of my children because of my own childhood and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think it is horrible to hear about you being physically hurt and someone getting you in the eye with the rubber band. I had the shoved into lockers, and books being pulled out of my arms in JR. HIGH but it did get better. I also was quiet and didn't stick up for myself nor tell anyone. My parents didn't know a lot of what went on until later.

YOur son will be fine BECAUSE you will see to it. I think that him having the friends that you mentioned in you post tell me he is fine. HE will learn like all the rest of them. Believe me it isn't only happening to your son, I think the other kids in his class are struggling as well. YOu just don't know it!!

When it comes to friends, I too seem to be more of a loner, or very independent. I like to shop by myself, etc. I have friends, but don't chose to be with them a lot. At work, I have friends but don't want to socialize outside of it. It is hard with children. I also like my own time to do my own thing. Also, I find others to be strange and I just don't get them, and maybe they don't get me. I am very nice but I guess not in need of anyone other than my kids and husband, and parents.

Keep doing what you are doing, I know I will!!

I would have called. Jessica N39908.3870949074When I was in grade school, I essentially had only one friend.  Other kids would play with me but it was Cheryl who stuck with me always.  In middle school, I was teased, tormented, picked on.  I was one of three people who were called the "pits people".  It was pure hell.  When I got into high school, I got into drugs and the wrong crowd, ended up going to another high school and then moving to another state to live with relatives and repeated the same thing.  I've struggled with friendships my entire life but now I know the reasons.  I know it was something I couldn't control and there's no reason to beat myself up for it.  I've also come to realize that true friends will accept you no matter what.

I know that times are different these days and bullying is a bigger issue.  I think mom here did the right thing in calling the other parent.  You are a role model for your child.  He needs to see how to handle these things so eventually he can defend for himself.  At age 8, it is a parent's responsibility.  I also agree with letting the school know about what's going on outside of school.  The teachers and administrators can then monitor it better when they have a fuller picture.

My mother called other mothers when I was in middle school.  Granted, it didn't do much (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) but I will always be grateful for that.  I felt loved and cared for.  And that was 35 years ago.  Kids remember stuff - what we did or didn't do. 

As for hubby?  I could blast him but I won't.  He needs to be educated on ADHD.  Be gentle on yourself and your son.  You're doing the best you can with what you know.

kjl2691,

Your post touched me. You are so not alone with what you struggled with in school. I think there are more people who like us were picked on than we can imagine. I think that is why schools are starting to use the word bullying, and parents have a no tolerance attitude - all because these now adults were the children being picked on back when.

How are things for you as an adult? I wish you a wonderful life.

 

I, too, think you were right to call. For one thing, if I were the other parent, I would want to know that my child was behaving in this way. Secondly, when you talk to another parent you sometimes learn another side of a story. Sometimes there can be other things going on that you weren't aware of. Communication is a good thing, and it never hurts to try.
I have also witnessed situations like this, where one kid tries to stop a "friend" from being friends with someone else. I remember seeing this going on in my living room and I was not happy! I think it has to do with control, insecurity, jealousy, etc., and I think it happens regardless of whether there is ADHD or not. It's part of kids figuring out friendships and who they are. It seems like often, if there are three kids playing together, one will get another to side with them and leave the other one out. But when kids behave inappropriately and unkindly, adults need to step in and set them straight IMO.
I know it's really painful to see your child rejected and hurt. Nothing I hate more!
If I were you I would just keep working on your son's social skills and also encourage and build on any interests he has; I think these can really improve self-esteem which could also help.

[QUOTE=Jessica N]Hmmm...I'm pretty worried about middle school. I am not ADHD, so I did not experience these things. What I am wondering is, since there are so many charter and homeschool and online options these days...do you think it's a good idea to present one of these options? Would you rather have been presented another option if the problems could not be eradicated in a reasonable time period? 12 and 13 year olds can be very cruel. A lot of damage can be done in just two years.
[/QUOTE]Yes, I think it is a good idea to present options if there are options available. Even if there aren't social problems for the child at school, my opinion is that one size does NOT fit all when it comes to education. And I can think of almost nothing worse than being trapped in a horrible social environment with no hope of escape. Imagine if, as an adult, you had to go to work every day somewhere where you were verbally and even physically attacked and socially ostracized and you couldn't quit.
My kids have had great experiences with charter schools. Especially my daughter; she's having a great middle school experience at a school that fits her to a T.
Longsally, I agree with Bethann.
Great analogy.  If more adults looked at bullying and the like that way, maybe they'd be more prone to action??

Glad to hear your daughter is doing well.
Since there are so many charter and homeschool and online options these days...do you think it's a good idea to present one of these options? Jessica N39908.387662037

well, I am very concerned because as the years go on and the gap really widens between him and his classmates due to maturity levels, it will only get harder for him.   If he gets to middle school and he is the constant object of bad attention, he is picked on, there are fights, etc...then I will bring him home.  SC has a wonderful state run home schooling program where it will take him 3 hours a day to do his school work and no one will torture him. 

I also ate lunch alone every day, played alone, sat alone, never a friend.  I still remember finding a note in the hallway that 2 kids were passing back and forth and they called me a baboon in it and I remember being so hurt (elementary school too).  I never was invited to birthday parties and I didnt notice until I joined facebook last year and my old class did a photo reunion and there are the pics of everyone together at different kids parties.  Not one of me. 

I remember being in a science fair at school over the summer and being the ONLY child there with no parent.  My mother was " too busy" to come.  I think she must have been so embarrassed by me that she just completely disengaged herself.  I have to say that as an adult, things are no better.  I found a note once that my mom had sent to my sister telling her how wonderful she was and how she could accomplish anything.  I asked her why she never sent anything like that to me.  Her answer was " tell me what you want it to say and Ill write you one".  I think you get the idea.

Longsally,

I completely understand, my son is having a great 6th grade year up at Middle School (first year there). He is scheduled with his best friend in all classes. I do NOT want this to change next year. My husband and I are going to request it not to.

I also think ahead, worry about things yet to come, so that I am prepared and have come up with a plan and am not devistated.

Just know that you have friends here. We are not children, we do not treat others snobbily, rudely, etc. We all know better.

I feel your pain with your mother, but you have to move on and be the best mother to your own children that you can be. You are going to be the mother YOU never had to your own children, that is how I am!!

My mother wasn't like all that, but she didn't show up for things and I remember them still to this day. She at the time said I was lying that all the others had their mothers at girl scouts, but I wasn't and I still remember walking home and crying.

I would walk away a bit from your mom, that is just me ( i wouldn't even call) and get on with your life. You cannot change her nor please her!

Take care of your own family - live, breath and die for them. Keep an eye on your kids the way you are and forget about your childhood. Enjoy your adulthood.

I have never attended a reunion. I walked off the field of graduation and went away to a college far away to start over and it was great!!

You have a lot of friends here!!

 

BETHANN39906.2842476852My son has it on his IEP that one person he is friends with goes to the same class with him, same guy as last year. It helps them so much with the anxiety of not knowing anyone and they settle into class better.

Hi. I wouldn't let your son get bullied but you need to know that not everyone marches to the same drummer. Both you and your son have strengths and gifts that you have to identify and develop. Please be careful about telling your son about his negative traits. Try to focus on his positive behaviors. You said he is good with animals? Get him interested in learning about animals and their behaviors.

You know, Thomas Edison was pulled out of school by his mom three months after he started and homeschooled for the rest of his life. he never had 'buddies' while he was growing up- kids thought he was wierd. Ditto for Albert Einstein - he was always different and failed miserably in school and in making friends.

An interesting aside - Thomas Edison became great friends with Henry Ford later in life. And Ford was almost 15 years younger than he was. That is the way with a lot of our adhd kids. It takes years for them to learn to socialize properly. An 8 year old with adhd just won't have many buddies and those he/she does will try to take advantage. Most kids that age try to get something from others their age.

So don't worry about him having best friends at this stage of his life. And as for you not having best friends- some people have more and deeper friendships than others. Right or wrong, some adults just have more superficial friendships. Don't worry about it. Get involved with some activities in your community or church and let your son get involved, also. Don't worry about the friendships- they will eventually form.

Randy

longsally, your mother probably didn't know what to do. Your scenario is the type that I am thinking of. Jessica N39908.3881481482