Procrastinating & phone.. ADD related? | ADHD Information
Dear Courtney,
I have had the exact same experience but what I wanted to know was are you distancing yourself in any other ways other than phone calls. I myself go through what I like to call my hermit mode and mine can last over a year at a time and then i snap out of it. and like you there is one person i would talk to. but not only that i also didn't feel like going out and being social either i pretty much just wanted to be alone. If you are experiencing what I have I would say its more likely depression than adhd I also have adhd but also battle with those long period of depression
Hi allA few years ago I used to be on my cell phone non-stop...and now, I just don't feel like talking to ANYONE! I let all the calls go to my answering machine, but then I still don't feel like talking later that day, or the next day, or the next week(s)... Then I just feel bad for not having called them yet and I know they think that I don't care - My family is having some big issues
w/ me not calling them back
within the day or next day. They also don't "subscribe" to
my ADD diagnosis b/c I didn't have problems in school as a child (now
I'm 27 yrs). That's a whole other post for a later time -- gotta
stay focused here...HELP ME Understand this one...I'm selling 2 cars and finally (after a year!!) put an ad in the Autotrader
and have received a few calls - but haven't called them back
yet! It makes no sense to me that I am sabotaging my
success. Why wouldn't I call back people who were calling me
because they ARE interested in my cars? Makes no sense to
me. 
I procrastinate in ALL areas of my life - big
!!! I'll save that for a future post too.... but let's deal with the phone issue for now (IF you have ANY ADVICE for chronic procrastination/late behaviors, I'd LOVE to hear ANYTHING that may help!) I dread returning all phone calls lately to pretty much anyone, except my best friend Carrie - luckily I'm blessed with someone I can totally be myself with (too bad she lives 8 hrs away!) Thankfully I DO have a phone for that reason alone!
She
is the exception though. Over the past year it's really affected
my relationships with my friends and family. There are some
friends that called so long ago, that now I just feel stupid calling
them back... I've tried to explain to my family that it's nothing
personal, but they simply see it as a total lack of caring on my part
and that they are obviously not an importance of mine. 
Can anyone help me?? I really need to get a grasp on this whole phone issue if I want to have any relationships in the future...
Since I haven't really talked to these friends about my ADD, I assume that now would be a good time to bring this up if these are related. Needless to say, the explanation of my ADD life, along with an apology for my lack of attention to our relationships will be going out in e-mail form... (the phone procrastination cycle continues...)
Thank You!!
Merry Christmas! (Thank God Hollywood Video was open till 11pm tonight!! AAHHHH... Another day in the life of a Chronic Procrastinator!)
Courtney
Simply start today by returning all calls from this point on. You're trying to fix what has happened over the last couple of weeks (months) and you can't. Start small. It happens to me with my messages on my cell phone. OH! 17 messages. Let em go and you feel worse.
Answer the phone and return messages. Start there.
(That one is fixed! Next problem.)
Just kidding, this took a long time to get to this point, you can't fix it real fast.
One step at a time.
Find a cave in the mountains somewhere and ill move in with you. We will procrastinate together. We wont eat or move and eventually die.
Your phone call problem is all fixed. Hope ive helped.
I also suffer from "phone phobia", and it is really interesting to see how many others have the same problem. I vividly remember when I was in my early teens and my mom told me to call someone (don't remember why). I was absolutely terrified and refused to make the call, for which I was grounded for a week.
I agree with one of the above comments that for me it is necessary to see a face, body language, etc. I am socially akward in person, and it is difficult for me to pick up social cues, so imagine how difficult it is to talk on the phone where 80% of those cues are not available. I am also a procrastinator, so that just magnifies the problem. I work myself up for days about making a call, then when I do I pray that I get an answering machine on the other end.
E-mail has made a huge positive impact on my life, because now I have some means of functioning. My friends, the few I still have are ones that I keep in touch with e-mail. But they are used to hearing from me very sporadically, and and still my friends so I feel like they are real friends. Maybe your friends would keep in touch with text messaging or instant messenger?
Thanks for all the great suggestions!
You said you used to talk on the phone non-stop but don't feel like talking to people now which sounds like depression more than anything else.
One of the main symptoms of depression is loss of interest in things you once enjoyed.
If you always avoided the phone it would be different but since this is a change in behavoir I'd talk to a doctor about depression.
I'm one of those people who hates the phone.
I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying to me when I can't see them. My family members don't even try to talk to me if I'm not in the same room or looking at them. This is impossible on the phone.
I worked with my coach for a year in order to find out how I could use the phone, and I've reached some accomodations although I'm a long way from comfortable using the phone and much prefer e-mail.
To speak on the phone, I situate myself in a room with no one around and I sit facing a blank wall (and the desk must be empty so I have nothing to play with.) I can only speak on the phone for short periods of time since focusing takes a huge amount of energy.
I like the idea of Caller ID. I don't have it at my office, but I never answer the phone if I don't know who it is, so usually I let them leave a message, get my s*** together and call them back. At home, well, I have two teenage daughters... it's not like I'm going to get to answer the phone anytime soon anyway!
This is also one of the main reasons I started a business on the Internet rather than other things I could have done. It seemed the easiest way to avoid talking on the phone without shooting my business in the foot (although I still need to use the phone sometimes.)
Hope some of these ideas help. If not, well, at least you know you're not alone.
Duane
Courtney
Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. My sister and I have the same issue!!!! One of my colleagues does too, but I think it's not as bad.
I HATE, hate, hate to make phone calls and to answer the phone. It's practically a phobia. Gotta Go offered some well-meaning advice, but if the same advice were given to me, no way would it work. I can't snap my finger and suddenly conquer a phobia. If it were that easy, I wouldn't have this issue. I, too, had great difficulty making phone calls that were crucial--e.g., I graduated w/a phd a couple years ago and was nearly in crisis mode over having to conduct initial job interviews over phone. I wouldn't return search committee phone calls for days..... In general, I used to beg a co-worker to return phone calls for me....
It's gotten a little better, and I'll share what has helped with me. But even now, when I walk into my office, the first thing I do is glance at the phone and if there's no red light indicating a message, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.
OK, what I did was first try to think about WHY and HOW this might have happened. Then I tried to think of some coping strategies that relate to this.
My issues seem to have two triggers:
I. Job related. It seemed to have started about the time that I switched jobs. The new job had many more responsibilities. I was expected to be an "expert." I think this triggered massive waves of insecurity. I coped with the job and no outsider would have recognized a problem, but it seemed to be very important for me NOT to answer or make phone calls. Maybe I was working so hard to prop myself up that I just couldn't do the phone thing.
II. Thinking-pattern related. I've gotten better at managing my ADD-related issues--distraction, daydreams, procrastination, inability to concentrate, focus, etc. Phone calls JAR me out of whatever the heck I've finally gotten myself to do. They require concentration--you have to listen hard while you're talking into that machine. In addition, I am very much a whole-to-parts thinker/viewer. It takes more concentration than I can bear to just HEAR what someone is saying. I need the entire context--facial expressions, eyes, gestures, a voice over the phone is decontextualized in my thinking.
OK, I go into my long explanation to share that I really do think that the phone call thing may be related to ADD/procrastination and to illustrate how my coping strategies are related to the causes.
First, the whole confidence thing is tricky. I DO just talk to myself and tell myself "you can do it, you're not a fraud, you know things, you can do things." After a few months of doing this, I got better at believing it and not have insecurity pangs over it.
YOur issue about making phone calls re: the car isn't the same. BUT perhaps you could try to talk yourself into it "I can do it. I need to sell this car. I can do it." It may seem a little silly to talk to yourself, but it really does work.
Second, I told people, "hey, I HATE to talk on the phone. I'm sorry, but I hate it, I can't do it. I'm not quite sure why, but it is really important for me not to talk much on the phone." (I did have some idea WHY, but I figured I didn't need to tell everyone.) And I don't feel guilty about it. The latter is the key. I don't feel guilty, and I don't expect people to understand. Now, I get almost NO phone calls from friends. We email and make plans to see each other. I love it!
Third, I started to be step-by-step proactive. I try to force myself--like Gotta Go suggested--to make the SIMPLE phone calls. By this I mean, instead of looking up store hours on-line, I'll call and ask. I'll make the quick, business-like, mundane calls. It may seem wierd to start with this--afterall, many people think that phone calls are largely about connecting with friends. But this sorts of mundane calls aren't so threatening to me. I make the calls, I don't know whoever it is that answers, the exchange is sort and information-based. I can do it!! I would just make one of these calls a day. And I'd feel GREAT after that. So I tried to just concentrate on how GREAT I felt about completing the phone call, reminding myself that I finished something in two minutes rather than worrying about doing it and getting myself worked up. I'd make just a couple of these calls a week. It really helped. Now I can make the simple phone calls relatively easily and I try to do it immediately--telling myself, "you can get this over with NOW rather than obsessing over how you don't want to do it for two days".
Fourth, since being interrupted seems to be an issue, what I have recently started doing is just calling--very much from time to time--family members just to say HI and catch up. This works because I am making the call when I am feeling "communicative" and when I'm not worried about being interrupted. This keeps communication open and lots of the little family-type questions get answered and asked then.
Fifth, get caller ID! This way you're not in a panic the whole time the phone is ringing and going to the answer machine. Put yourself on the "do not call" list.
In sum, the bottom line, don't feel you have to conquer this all at once. From my response, know that at least three other people have the same issue. (My sister is doing something similar to what I am doing.) Decide if you want to be able to talk on the phone without a problem or you want to figure out a way not to be anxiety-ridden and to talk on the phone to a more limited degree. Obviously, for me, the latter was the answer. I've really gotten a handle on the insecurity thing, but not the concentration/thinking pattern issue. I simply CAN"T talk on the phone given how hard it is for me to concentrate. I decided that rather than forcing myself to do something that wasn't working, I would come up with coping strategies. another one--If someone leaves me a message, and I know they do email, I answer in email.
It's taken about a year, but it has worked for me and I feel pretty good about being able to make routine phone calls--and believe me, I really concentrate on how good it makes me feel to make those calls. I also feel pretty good about not getting calls from friends and family. I really don't feel guilty. I compensate for this little quirk in other ways w/ my friends.
Figure out what will work for you. Good luck!
JC
opps, just a note to clarify, I didn't mean to sound negative--at all--about gotta go's suggestion--I was just responding to my own case--no way could I simply start answering and returning phone calls. S/he has the same basic advice as I do--one step at a time....
Hi Courtney
I procrastinate in virtually all areas in my life including ALL the ones you mentioned. After I've posted this I am going to make a list of things i should be doing tomorrow and put it on my desk where i will see it first thing. I have found that has always helped because at least I don't completely forget these things need to be done. Even if i do one thing on my list that is a success because if it wasn't for the list i would have done none of them. I also procrastinate about writing lists 
. I hope this post will motivate you to write one! (and me too!!!!)
All the best
Tony
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