seriously, when do adhd kids "catch up" | ADHD Information

cab0ad,
It is really hard to see your child rejected and hurt.
A few thoughts:
- The lunchroom situation sounds terrible. I remember recently someone on this message board posted about their child's school having a "lunch bunch" table where kids who were having a hard time could go sit with a teacher (?) and talk about their problems. I may not have it exactly right, but hopefully that person will post about it again. It would be great if your school could start something like that to turn lunch into a positive, helpful experience for your son.
- Does your school offer any type of social skills groups?
- Since meds haven't worked for your son, have you tried any alternatives? Check out the "Alternatives and Complementary Meds" forum here on this message board. My daughter takes omega 3s (fish oil) and phosphatidyl serine (PS), an amino acid/fatty acid supplement and I do believe these have helped her. There are some long threads about these in the alternatives forum, along with discussion of lots of other alternatives.
- Does your son have a 504 plan or IEP at school that includes a behavior plan?
- Is there another school situation that might suit him better??
- Are there kids outside of school that he can socialize with, maybe even younger kids in the neighborhood?
- Does he have interests that you can nurture to help build his self-esteem.

In response to your original question, my daughter has inattentive-type ADHD, so she never struggled with the impulsivity or behavior problems, but she was socially immature.  Now her maturity level seems the same as others her age. She started taking omega 3 supplements at the start of first grade, and I believe she matured alot beginning in 2nd-3rd grade, including a lot of physical growth. Of course I have no way of knowing if this was just natural for her or whether the supplements played a role or if there were other factors.

About the irrational fears, my son is afraid of mushrooms. It's not too bad now--he's 16-- but when he was younger he was very seriously afraid of them.
My son's school has the lunch bunch table. He's 7. It does work wonders
because it separates kids and keeps them more closely monitored, but
it's also designed to make them interact in a more socially acceptable
manner rather than isolating them, which makes the situation worse, in
my opinion.

I'd start looking into alternate therapies, too. Yeast infection therapy has
done wonders for a lot of kids.

With my son, the school works hard on getting him to understand social
rules. He goes to "friendship" groups sponsored by the guidance
department. He goes to a social worker at school who helps him
understand that some of the things he says can be seen as disrespectful.
For example, in the first grade his teacher said the only way to add to 3
was 1+2 and 3+0. He immediately said, no, that's not true; there's also 5
+ -2 and 2.5 +0.5, and then he was off - he gave like 25 examples before
she could shut him up. It was a combination of 1) impulsivity 2) poor
executive skills and 3) personal offense that his teacher was "lying" to
him. Once I got his teachers to understand he wasn't personally attacking
them when he said things like that the school got on board to help teach
him better ways to deal with it, like asking the teacher to talk to him one
on one rather than blurting it out to the class. I couldn't really help him
because I wasn't around him in large groups. It took time, but it's
working.

Finally, have you thought about enrolling him in karate? The sport is all
about self-discipline and respect, and it gives kids a physical outlet while
learning about it, and it gives them an opportunity to excel and be proud
of themselves. It could be a way of coming around the back door to
tackle his problems rather than bursting in with guns blazing.

Because that's another thing - do you think your son isn't aware of what's
going on? It could be that by making a big deal out of the differences
you're sticking them further into his psyche, and he might be defeated
himself, thinking he'll never be any different. If that's the case, then any
attempt to directly address his issues will backfire.

Now, I'm presuming a lot here. I just know what that felt like if it
happened with your son. I'm picking up on your exasperation, and I know
how my son reacted when I got that way. If what you've been doing isn't
working, it isn't going to work in the future, so take a step back and find
another way. There is always another way, even if the "simple" solutions
don't pan out.

Good luck with this. Keep talking. The more we hear about the specifics
of your son's situation the more likely one of us might hit on a solution
that works for him.

My DS, 9, is so socially immature he compares to a kindergartener.  My husband keeps asking me to be patient and let him "catch up" but will he ever?  every year I see kids his age mature and he never seems to.  He still plays more "kids games" instead of sports, he acts socially inappropriate (thinks its funny to burp/toot) and doesn't seem to understand the importance of simple things like table manners or personal space.  I love my son but can someone give me some hope?    Rather than "get better" my son just seems to "get worse" as his classmates grow in maturity and he lags further and further behind. 

We have tried medication but they all had side effects that caused depression and other bad things so he's without medicine.  He also has anxiety, depression, and irrational fears.  He's afraid of cheese.  I know you're laughing right now and it seems so stupid.  He's afraid of cheese that gets hard after being out in the air.  How can you be afraid of cheese????? 

Someone please give me some hope.  When does it all get "better?"

My son is socially immature, and I feel so blessed for it. He's 7 and he
still wants to sit in my lap like a 2 year old. Nyah, nyah, all you moms of
"normal" kids who won't even slap you 5 anymore!

Sorry, that was kind of bratty. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me?

Have you tried therapy for him? My son is in play therapy.

Have you checked his executive skills? If he has poor executive skills,
which are abilities to understand and follow rules, they would extend to
social rules.

Why are you comparing him to other kids? It is possible he will always be
slightly immature - lucky you, you'll have another Jim Carrey on your
hands. When he strikes it rich you can have him send me a little
something.   

I'm being kind of lighthearted here, and I don't want to frustrate you, or
force you to think differently about what's going on. I just want to make
sure you know you can think differently about it.

To get to the nuts and bolts of it, what is your concern - is it how he
compares or appears to other kids? Because that's where you start. Or is
it that you're concerned about how he's dealing with his ADHD? Because
if that's the case, the place I'd start is to ask him about it. My son is very
honest with me - he lets me know what he thinks about what's happening
so I know when I need to make a change for him. I follow his lead rather
than what he's "supposed" to be doing or feeling.

And as far as meds go, the first one my son was on he had a terrible,
dark, threatening, violent reaction to. There are different classes of
drugs; there are other options. We tried a second medication, and it has
been a wonder drug. He's done amazingly well on it. Which ones did you
try? It's possible there's one you missed, and it might be just the one
that's perfect for your son.

Good luck!

It doesn't matter to me how he "compares" to other kids per say.  I just worry that I see his attempts to have friendships are being shut down more and more since his behavior seems to be getting more and more "different" and "unacceptable" to the other kids as they mature and he dosn't. 

I'm in a different situation too.  I teach in the school my son attends so I see his peer group daily and I see how they interact with eachother and with my son.  It upsets me to see him struggle so much to "fit in" when he really wants to so much.  It kills me that he's constantly "in trouble" for making impulsive decisions. He's had so many problems in lunch with manners that the monitors actually separated him from the rest of the class and he sits alone at a table.  their plan was to leave him there everyday for the rest of the year until I found and complained.  I know I've made him sound like a lunatic but I love him so much and he has such poor self esteem.  He is "trying" to fit in and socialize but he just doesn't know how.  we try to help him and give him advice but it just doesn't stick and his impulsivity always gets the better of him.

My son went through every class of drugs available for adhd and a few not intended for adhd.  All of them made his depression so bad that he couldn't function properly and actually was self harming on meds.  The psychiatrist told us that his brain just doesn't want to mix with the meds the right way and that since his depression got so much worse on all of them that we really had no choice left.  we had tried them all.

You need to cold call speech or language or occupational therapy facilities for social skills classes. Jessica N39930.8656712963My youngest stepson had severe ADHD - he's now 31 and doing
well. If I had to say when he caught up it was when he was
on his own and learned from other adults. Our basic
training (values and family) showed up in his mid 20's.
Your son could benefit from a Cognitive Behavior Therapy -
I would read up on it - extremely well researched - but you
have to find a therapist that is well trained in it. Good
luck!Yes, they do mature and the social lightbulb does go on, sans meds. I don't know if they actually catch up to peers though. Jessica N39930.8659722222

Doesn't take omega-3.  does that help? as for social skills class, we can't find one!  My psychiatrist told me to ask the school district, who told me they were unaware of them.  I even asked the district school psychologist who never "got back" to me. 

We do have those discussions about reading reactions...we have them over and over and over.  It just never seems to "stick" you know? when we discuss it he seems to understand but when push comes to shove and he's in a social situation its like he has no history whatsoever with our "talks" and "practice". 

No neighborhood friends either.  He seems to have been labeled as "weird".  we've even had troubles with our direct neighbor calling him a stalker since he watches them play outside sometimes.  Its not like he's really stalking though.  I really feel like he wants to be a part of the social group so he watches them hoping for them to ask him over.  of course they don't and the fact that he sits and watches them makes them attack like lions. 

He really only has 1 friend, who is also a little immature for his age.  if his friend is gone from school or can't go to recess my son will just walk around by himself or do something like sit on a bench or swing.  He doesn't seem to click with anyone else and he doesn't even try anymore since he's been rejected so much.  to make matters worse, my son is overweight and non-athletic.  and when I say he's non-athletic i mean he's REALLY non-athletic.  He has NO coordination, NO balance, NO motor skills whatsoever.  He can't hit or catch a ball (not for lack of trying), he's an incredibly slow runner, can't dribble a ball, or any other sport really.  Just further makes him "different".

I like the lunchroom idea.  Of course since my son only has that 1 friend so a lunch bunch would be harder to do for him. 

Jessica, at what age did the social lightbulb come on? 

Chances are he'll learn to cope in such a way that you will think he's caught up. Until then, you can be his biggest advocate by organizing playdates, getting him involved in non-sporting activities (4H or scouts or dog training or on and on), finding and enrolling him in a Sunday school in your area where children from the area could be enrolled (or one out of the area if the possibility of friends in that group is temporarily tainted), and remembering to always prepare him for how you expect him to behave JUST BEFORE HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR or he will forget. In the end he'll just grow up, and don't we all know adults of lots of varying maturity levels? Let him be who he is and work hard to put him next to children like himself and chances are he'll take care of the rest.

My dd has this problem too. She is in fourth grade this year and it has become more obvious than ever. She says that other kids won't play with her on the playground. She has alot of shyness and social anxiety. I can see that the other children in her class are more "sophisicated" in their social skills. She still wants to form little clubs and pretend she's a mermaid. She doesn't get that they aren't interested. It's so sad and I know it is effecting her self-esteem. I think a social skills group in his school would help. Since you work there, maybe you could start one if no one else will. You could see if there would be one friend that he might want to invite over to play at your house. It might be easier for him one on one and you would be there to help if needed. I was in Barnes and Noble the other day and saw a social skills workbook. I am going to go back and get it and try doing some of the activities with her. If he has any interests, maybe there is a group he can get involved in that way. Someone else mentioned karate. My dd loves karate too and it has helped with her self esteem. He has to have the opportunity for more social interaction with peers his own age for him to mature socially. School is so structured, they don't have much time. If he is slow to warm up like my dd, the limited amount of unstructured time during lunch and recess is not enough time for them to make friends.

Good Luck. With some intervention, he wll mature in this area.

adhdjourney199939922.8911111111

Do NOT let the school isolate him from the others, your son is being set up to be labeled and teased.

You need to go to the school and let them know that this is not right and ask for help.

Is he on a IEP or 504? If all the meds aren't working do you believe his diagnosis is correct? I wonder if you could have found by increasing one of the meds that it would have helped.

My son is hyper and impulsive. We used both concerta and guanfacine. They both work wonders together.

We also have the lunch bunch, though we never used it for my son. We made sure that the lunch monitors, (one had mine targeted for anyone else doing something, mine took the punishment) were not allowed to discipline him unnecessarily. Once the school knew we meant business, we stopped. This happens ALL THE TIME to our adhd'ers. My son was labeled that it carried with him for years. Put a stop to it.

What do you think of having your son re-evaluated? IF the school hasn't done one yet, you need to. AGain, does he have a 504 plan or IEP?