I don't know who else to ask or where else to go.
Again, this is all new to me, the ADHD thing. Even before my son had lables attached to him, we still had this problem and as he gets older, it seems to be getting worse.
My husband, I love the guy, I really really do....I just don't know how much more I can take; how I can get him to understand; how I can get him to stop making these off hand comments to me about how I'm parenting our son when he's ticked off over something our son did or didn't do!
There are ways to approach my son on bad days that make it easier to get him to coperate. My husband just won't do it. He just full on starts yelling at him when he's bouncing off the walls and you'd think that by now he'd realize that it's not going to work. He yells at him for every tiny little thing, once you yell, my son will just get ramped up higher and higher. Trying to get my husband on board is getting to be too much.
He's constantly putting my parenting down when he's t'ed off at our son. I get just as angry back and tell him that he needs to get with it but, truth be told, when things finally quiet down - after hours and hours of D, my son, not going to sleep at night, I start to wonder if it is me. What am I doing wrong? How did it get like this?
I've had to sit down with my husband now almost every three or four days and go over and over our "plan" for D's behavior but, it's like my husband can only retain and deal with it for a few days. I get so angry at him sometimes. He'll just walk out of the room when D starts screaming and freaking out at him! You can't do that!! He never knows when to put him in his room either. I keep trying to tell him, he needs to be put in a place where he can get himself calmed down but, he just tells me to deal with it and walks outside.
It doesn't help that my mother, due to health issues, currently lives with us. She sees his behavior and makes his and my life miserable over it. Then she sees D's behavior and goes on about how ADHD wasn't around years ago- it was just spoiled children; not everything he's doing is ADHD; you're not hard enough on him followed by you're being too hard on him, etc.
It's all starting to actually put a strain on our marriage, our relationship.
Does anyone else go through this? Is there anything that I can try?
Please help - Em
If it wasn't for my husband, I would have medicated our son earlier. My son suffered because of this.
My husband also has adhd, though undiagnosed by a professional. He knows he has it believe me. He was in such denial, even though all his family has been diagnosed because their children are being diagnosed! It is very hard. A lot of what he still does is adhd related, like losing his car keys, cell phone, appointment book, etc.
It took our son suffering and then seeing the difference in his meds, for my husband to get it. Our son will not lead the life my husband has lead. My husband has even has said that!! I wonder if your husband goes to the appointment that he will see a little bit of himself in your son, or maybe he already knows it and that is why?
I understand what your going through. My father is the same way about my husband because he doesn't want him to discipline him. He thinks we are too hard on him (especially my husband) but then he will yell at us about my son being out of control. My father told me one day that kids will be active and they don't need to be medicated for it. I feel for you though because my father doesn't live with us. As for your husband ADHD is very stressful on the whole family. Me and my husband have had many fights over me being to easy and him being too hard on my son. My husband is my sons stepdad so I'm bad to throw that in his face and tell him to let me handle it. But then my son will not listen to me so I need his help. We have 2 other kids that are his a 1 and 3 year old that are starting to act like their older brother who is 11 and has ADHD. So there is alot of stress. We recently started therapy. Behavior therapy and family therapy. I believe it is starting to help because it is getting us all on the same page on how to handle the discipline. Also I got some good info from other members here about doing rewards instead of grounding. Just started this and seems to work good. Hope everything works out.
Can you get your husband to go to you son's doctor appointments? Maybe
an additional approach leave literature laying around.ask him from time to time if he knows where he may have last seen them.get him to understand its not about you and him IT's about your son and his treatment.lead by example and keep talking about it so he can see over time how your sons behviors relate to adhd.what the risks of doing nothing are.addiction, frustration, poor self esteem, difficulty learning , and cognitive issues.
the appraoch is different with children than adults. with kids the main focus is on education. with adults its coping with distraction and frstration and attntive issues.navigating goals and a work ethic make a huge difference .even without meds these things need to be nurtured..my discussions have usually go with what made you feel that way?next time you feel like that what a more positve way to deal .over and over and over.also sometimes i say its ok to get mad we all get mad.but we must calm down also before we make more trouble for ourselves. time outwhen were little its time out in a naughty spot and then "what are you gonna do differnt " processing to aid in emotional development.when were adults may have taen til were 23 to catch up emoionally but then were all adults emotionally. except for pothead youths- they stay 15 emotionally throughout adulthood. its sad - sigh butadult time is can be taken or enforced.i get mad i sit on the porch i calm down my mind has less focus on mad. i re enter the conversation calmly i try to cominicate my point of view then close the issue hearing thier side. if they get mad i can enforce the time out by saying time out.take a phone call , walk into the other room, asking an adult to come back when they can talk calmly. i even resort to texting and email as a way of allowing them to finnish communicating but not face to face if they make me feel intimidated.i shy away from voice mail . additionally i had to see myself as having a cognitive problem.what someone says to me i interpret.i dont always get the message intended audible processing doesnt always sync if you know what i mean.example : if i see a map of where to go i can get there.if some one tells me how to get there i know im just gonna have to get themap and avoid getting lost.im good for about 5 right or lefts them im confounded.arguing does the samething to me .the verbal twisting and the stress narrow my cognitive reasoning.BUT it doesnt stop there like it does with Normal Thinkers NTers.the next day remembering the argument over and over and over i may have seen more of my misinterpretations .basically i had more time to think thinking about what was said while i was calm. non hostile nondefensive. i return to the conversation validating thier points and giving opprotunity for them to save face to invite a positive return and outcome.I know that people unaware of my cognitive processing issues want me to be (NT) but i need more time . so i do just that i interupt my conversations and try to practice "listening techniques" if i find myself on the defense i try to just be a strait shooter . agian I am aware of my problem so what happens when another adhd person gets bent out shape and in an argumentwith me. i try not to REACT.I THINK LET THEM COMMUNICATE.then i distract them with just about anything and then go sit somewhere. use nonverbal hand signals to ask them to sit. say complimenary things like im glad were talking about this.
get out my notes hat keep in my pocket and ask them to go slower and repeat things. if they knew i was catering to them hey might resist it. but i try to find ways to get them to have space and time to communicate.otherwise like myself . overtalking and interupting. .well its not like hat for everyone.but i do try to give them time to (process) what say before i expect an answer or an action. my worst situation is being around someone that constantly sayes .
why didnt you , you should have . it took me decades to figure out that kind of talk is nagging.nagging only deepens my defensiveness. my only defense about nagging is to harangue the nagger until a comprimise is offered., but usually i fail to follow through because the nagger spoils my feelings about doing things. and im constantly doing things for them.instead of just doing them on my own.in my opinion nagging is form of punishment not discipline.so viciious cycle developes between nagger and ADDer. negative attention- arguing lights up my cognitive functions.but not in all positive ways so its easy to look forward to the confrontation as a stimulus. i get stimmed but i ruin the relationship . over time trust is eroded and the nagger gives up needing to be in my life.opps. well i tell my wife whose a high IQ NTer. I cant do everything verbally.which to her must seem like a cop out . but honestly she may only need a few words to get a message ... i need a paragragh and some time to mull it over and a summary while discussing what to do about the message.its frustrating to us both.we really only solve our problems when im not defensive..shes constantly tempted to just make decisions without me so i wont spoil her efforts with defensiveness. thats when i dont trust her.but usually i come around to see that she did do the right things.only
in my opinion thats not the way i want things to be .she's quick so she likes to move ahead even while im catching up.im slower and prefer to wait until i understand the commitments.another cycle emerges for me and in other relationships ive had .it becomes a habit to just let them do things and when i disagree i just argue it to death .icky . thing is no matter how quick and smart they are when they leave me out they leave out my input to and my chance "get it" and do the right thing together.shame on her.shame on me when i dont participatein what she's attentive to .its really hard .to discern what she can just control and what needs to be resolved between us.so easy just to argue and get a stim out of it. but her trust is truly more rewarding than just being defensive .so its a constant crossroad.if i dont use discipline to manage our decision making as parents and spouses then my adhd drags things down and is a frustrating burden.i said discipline not punish.we comprimise she keeps me in the loop i dont undermine her. if tell her im going to undermine her before i actually do the undermining . we argue.but it brings her back to keeping me included in her quick decision making abilities.when things are stable like that things run very smoothly. but then i forget about it for awhile and it goes back to her being in total control by being the deciision maker . i have to admit there are times hats for the best she's on top of things , she takes car of things , an im just doing my own thing.until wham we disagree entirely and we cycle through the control battles again.im telling you this in the hopes that by exampif she makes decisions that need to be made , with care to keep me in the loop . if we disagree talk it out. many frustrations that cloud information could be avoided.
Luvmykids0239926.3946643519To be honest, it sounds like your husband has ADHD--off hand comments, temper, not following through with a plan for more than a day or two. Does he have any other red flags? Jessica N39930.8662847222[QUOTE=Jessica N]To be honest, it sounds like your husband has ADHD--off hand comments, temper, not following through with a plan for more than a day or two. Does he have any other red flags?
During my son's evaluation, a behavioral pediatrician honed in on my husband and starting asking probing questions about his educational experiences, which were all bad.[/QUOTE]
To be honest, we've had that discussion before. My stepson, when he was five, I told hubby that he had ADD. I have two cousins - one has ADD and the other ADHD. Since we grew up so close, I knew by looking at the symptoms. Sure enough by the end of the year, the teacher suggested he be checked. Every year after another teacher brings it up. (My stepson's mother refused to do anything to help stepson, "he's perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with him" - that's her mantra.)
Then I asked hubby about his "learning problem" in school. No one could tell him what it was, he was just in special education. He's really smart when the subject interests him, could pay attention for hours really. Ask him what I said five or ten minutes ago...NOTHING. He can't remember how to do a single thing unless I write it down.
I honestly have no problem with this b/c I like - no I need to have things a certain way for not only D's OCD but, for my own as well.
JandDsmom39926.8295138889[QUOTE=ommas]an additional approach leave literature laying around.ask him from time to time if he knows where he may have last seen them.get him to understand its not about you and him IT's about your son and his treatment.lead by example and keep talking about it so he can see over time how your sons behviors relate to adhd.what the risks of doing nothing are.addiction, frustration, poor self esteem, difficulty learning , and cognitive issues.
the appraoch is different with children than adults. with kids the main focus is on education. with adults its coping with distraction and frstration and attntive issues.navigating goals and a work ethic make a huge difference .even without meds these things need to be nurtured..my discussions have usually go with what made you feel that way?next time you feel like that what a more positve way to deal .over and over and over.also sometimes i say its ok to get mad we all get mad.but we must calm down also before we make more trouble for ourselves. time outwhen were little its time out in a naughty spot and then "what are you gonna do differnt " processing to aid in emotional development.when were adults may have taen til were 23 to catch up emoionally but then were all adults emotionally. except for pothead youths- they stay 15 emotionally throughout adulthood. its sad - sigh butadult time is can be taken or enforced.i get mad i sit on the porch i calm down my mind has less focus on mad. i re enter the conversation calmly i try to cominicate my point of view then close the issue hearing thier side. if they get mad i can enforce the time out by saying time out.take a phone call , walk into the other room, asking an adult to come back when they can talk calmly. i even resort to texting and email as a way of allowing them to finnish communicating but not face to face if they make me feel intimidated.i shy away from voice mail . additionally i had to see myself as having a cognitive problem.what someone says to me i interpret.i dont always get the message intended audible processing doesnt always sync if you know what i mean.example : if i see a map of where to go i can get there.if some one tells me how to get there i know im just gonna have to get themap and avoid getting lost.im good for about 5 right or lefts them im confounded.arguing does the samething to me .the verbal twisting and the stress narrow my cognitive reasoning.BUT it doesnt stop there like it does with Normal Thinkers NTers.the next day remembering the argument over and over and over i may have seen more of my misinterpretations .basically i had more time to think thinking about what was said while i was calm. non hostile nondefensive. i return to the conversation validating thier points and giving opprotunity for them to save face to invite a positive return and outcome.I know that people unaware of my cognitive processing issues want me to be (NT) but i need more time . so i do just that i interupt my conversations and try to practice "listening techniques" if i find myself on the defense i try to just be a strait shooter . agian I am aware of my problem so what happens when another adhd person gets bent out shape and in an argumentwith me. i try not to REACT.I THINK LET THEM COMMUNICATE.then i distract them with just about anything and then go sit somewhere. use nonverbal hand signals to ask them to sit. say complimenary things like im glad were talking about this.
get out my notes hat keep in my pocket and ask them to go slower and repeat things. if they knew i was catering to them hey might resist it. but i try to find ways to get them to have space and time to communicate.otherwise like myself . overtalking and interupting. .well its not like hat for everyone.but i do try to give them time to (process) what say before i expect an answer or an action. my worst situation is being around someone that constantly sayes .
why didnt you , you should have . it took me decades to figure out that kind of talk is nagging.nagging only deepens my defensiveness. my only defense about nagging is to harangue the nagger until a comprimise is offered., but usually i fail to follow through because the nagger spoils my feelings about doing things. and im constantly doing things for them.instead of just doing them on my own.in my opinion nagging is form of punishment not discipline.so viciious cycle developes between nagger and ADDer. negative attention- arguing lights up my cognitive functions.but not in all positive ways so its easy to look forward to the confrontation as a stimulus. i get stimmed but i ruin the relationship . over time trust is eroded and the nagger gives up needing to be in my life.opps. well i tell my wife whose a high IQ NTer. I cant do everything verbally.which to her must seem like a cop out . but honestly she may only need a few words to get a message ... i need a paragragh and some time to mull it over and a summary while discussing what to do about the message.its frustrating to us both.we really only solve our problems when im not defensive..shes constantly tempted to just make decisions without me so i wont spoil her efforts with defensiveness. thats when i dont trust her.but usually i come around to see that she did do the right things.only
in my opinion thats not the way i want things to be .she's quick so she likes to move ahead even while im catching up.im slower and prefer to wait until i understand the commitments.another cycle emerges for me and in other relationships ive had .it becomes a habit to just let them do things and when i disagree i just argue it to death .icky . thing is no matter how quick and smart they are when they leave me out they leave out my input to and my chance "get it" and do the right thing together.shame on her.shame on me when i dont participatein what she's attentive to .its really hard .to discern what she can just control and what needs to be resolved between us.so easy just to argue and get a stim out of it. but her trust is truly more rewarding than just being defensive .so its a constant crossroad.if i dont use discipline to manage our decision making as parents and spouses then my adhd drags things down and is a frustrating burden.i said discipline not punish.we comprimise she keeps me in the loop i dont undermine her. if tell her im going to undermine her before i actually do the undermining . we argue.but it brings her back to keeping me included in her quick decision making abilities.when things are stable like that things run very smoothly. but then i forget about it for awhile and it goes back to her being in total control by being the deciision maker . i have to admit there are times hats for the best she's on top of things , she takes car of things , an im just doing my own thing.until wham we disagree entirely and we cycle through the control battles again.im telling you this in the hopes that by exampif she makes decisions that need to be made , with care to keep me in the loop . if we disagree talk it out. many frustrations that cloud information could be avoided.
[/QUOTE]
Just wanted to to thank you for the suggestion, I seriously may try this tonight, tomorrow, next week, etc. It's really a good approach for him.
I also wanted to genuinely thank you for your post, you remind me a lot of my husband and may have gotten me to see it from a perspective of how he thinks and processes. Sometimes, I just get so busy and focused on helping D and the need for it all to get done now, I leave my husband in the dust a bit. Never giving him a chance to process it all - cause he always seems to need time to do this, no matter what the senario is.
So, thanks again.
Ok, well, i've got a similar scenario. I loaded my non-medicated ADHD husband up with high EPA fish oil. 2000 mg a day. This enables him to manage HIS stress. Jessica N39930.8667361111