I dont know what to do anymore | ADHD Information
I've never had to deal with something like this, so I'm just taking a stab at it and feel free to ignore if not helpful!I'm thinking that maybe you could plan some sort of transition time so that they aren't going straight from whatever craziness is going on at their Dad's to the reality of having to get back to normal and go to bed at your house. Like Ommas said, a "buffer zone."
Do they normally come back home Sunday evening? What if you planned a "movie night" on Sunday night. Have a movie picked out and set up. Tell them about it on the way home, or maybe even stop at the park/playground on the way home to let them unwind. Once they get home they know that they need to have a bath, get in their PJs, whatever it is you need them to do. Then you all plop down in front of the TV and have a relaxing evening watching the movie, then straight to bed.
Like I said, just an idea. Maybe worth a try?
well today is getting better, my 9 yr old is listening but my 4 yr old who has adhd will not stop threatening to hit me or punch me. He has been calling me a jerk all day and i dont know what to do. To top it all off i went to give him a bath tonight as he had one yesterday morning or so i was told and i found a rash all over his privates. I told my ex that it would be nice if he could give them a bath when he has them expecially if the 4 yr old has an accident and he started yelling at me saying i did give him a bath and he didnt have a rash here. I guess from now on i am going to have to bite my tounge. I know he didnt give him a bath my daughter straight out old me tonight that he didnt get one all weekend even after he pee'd in his pants. Just wish i didnt have to deal with someone who apparently dont know how to take care of his own children. Again - document that. He needs a wake up call. It can't come from you.
Obviously he's getting a sick thrill out of you being upset by the
treatment of your kids.
Try the counting technique. 1-2-3-4-5. Give him until 5 to get his act
together. When I started this with my son - he was probably your son's
age - if I got to 5 he got a spanking. I didn't beat him, and it was me
controlling him that drove him nuts. If he would have stood in a corner
or stayed in his room for a time out I would have gone that route, but
there's no point doing something if it's not going to work. It didn't take
long - he got maybe 4 spankings - before he turned his thinking around.
And then instead of a spanking he would have a toy grounded. The one
that works now is his DS. If he makes a verbal or physical threat the
machine is gone for one day, period. He can't stand not to have it. It's
not that he plays with it all the time, it's that he can't stand the idea that
he can't play with it. It's a variation of the same theme - he can't stand to
be controlled or contained when he's having a tantrum. It immediately
takes his whole focus, and that somehow short circuits the tantrum. He
recognizes what he's doing and that it's wrong and it stops him cold.
Again, it took time, and I had to be very clear and consistent, and I
couldn't take my son's behavior personally (or allow it to be explained
away). But it worked.thanks for the advice, I am going to try to start it tomorrow. we have been doing a time out but he has to sit and count to 10. it is something the school started and we agreed to give it a shot, but now that things are getting worse expecially when he comes back from his fathers i am going to have to try other things. As for his father i have started a journal and my boyfriend is a witness to how they come back so i am going to keep it all on record and if i have to i will show it all to the judge when we go in may 13th. If he wants to keep doing this to the children than i am just going to have his visitation limited. I am done trying to reason with him and talking myself to death. It took almost a year to get him to realize that the house he was living in was not safe for the kids to be in and when i told him that if he didnt have a safe place for them to go he wouldnt have them he started looking for other places to go when he had them and no finally he has his own place, but i am not going to be so nice anymore. These two kids are my world and i will do what it takes to keep them safe.
WOW-I am so with you on this. When my ex and I split up, I would dread the days I got my kids back, because they were a nightmare. My mantra to my kids became "I don't care what you are allowed to do at dad's-you know my rules. They haven't changed, so start following them". There have been times that I have had to explain to my kids that it is not appropriate to do some things in anyone's house, and don't ever let me catch them doing it at a friend's house, etc. (we had some issue with walking on tables-who in their right mind lets their kids walk on the table!) It took a year or so, but now my kids know that they can do what they want at dad's, but at Mom's house they have rules to follow. They also know that they have to treat Mom with respect or Mom doesn't want to be around them. I have been know to leave them at the table and take my meals outside if they are getting too nasty. They don't like to be alone at they table, so they sheepishly come out and apolgize and ask me to join them again.
As angry as you are at your ex, you have to deal with your kids calmly, without insulting him (as tempting as it may be) and rationally. Just find a mantra and repeat it (over and over and over and over). They will catch on. As someone else said, they will also eventually get tired of the novelty.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your ex, but if you can, you may want to talk this out with him too. Maybe you two can sync up better if he understands how you feel. If it helps any, he's probably dealing with some version of the same thing when they go to him. I have found that my ex won't listen to me, but he will listen to my son's teacher. Earlier this year, my ex took my son off his meds without telling me. Not only that, but he convinced my son that he no longer needed them, so he refused to consider taking them again. GRRR. The teachers sat us both down at parent teacher conferences and presented us with 2 papers my son had done-one while on meds and one while off meds. Now there is no question in my ex's mind that he needs to be on meds. I thought that the teachers handled it very well-no accusations-they let the facts stand on their own. They moved him a lot more than any pleading from me would have done.
I feel your pain. Good luck. Stick to your guns-I hope that this resolves soon.
well we went to the doctor today to see how marcus is doing, the doctor decided we should try to split his dose up some so now instead of 7am and 7pm half tab's we are doing 1/4 tab at 7am, noon, 3 and 7pm. I of course called his dad who started to complain, because it is hard enough to remember to give it twice a day and now it is 4x daily. I have decided to block out half of his bull crap, I have had a long day and all i needed was for him to start complaining. He dont even are about what is best for our son. He also started complining because i am trying to see if he is eligible for SSI. He thinks he should get half of any payments i might get for our son. I of course got a little upset and told him fine you can start paying for half the gas i use just to take him to the doctor and for the behavior health visits i will have to do. He didnt like that idea to much... well im going to take marcus outside for some fun and to try to get yard work done. I have a bunch to do and its really nice out. Thank you everyone for your idea's and for listening to everything i have to say...Whatever - next time he gives you garbage about the doctor's orders tellhim to call the doctor about it himself. Give him the number and then hang
up.
Can you tell I have no patience for people like that? :)
Hang in there, mom! He might be a jerk, but we know you deserve a medal
for everything you're doing for your son!
finally got the referal to theropy for me and marcus. I sent his dad a message about it and of course he cant take off of work for 3 hours. I should have known better than to even bother. He is really starting to make me wonder if he is only taking the kids when he does so he dont have to pay more child support... It is really just pissing me off, the only time he wants anything to do with them is when he has them other wise they dont exist... But what else should i expect that is part of why we seperated, he didnt want anything to do with me or the kids all he had time for was his motorcycle and video games.
Have you thought of medication? my son got worse as he got older and could have used meds before he was 5. WE medicated just shy of 7 and first grade was a nightmare for him.
Please let us know if you have any questions about this. You have a lot on you plate with the ex and I want to help you if I can.
I also wonder if he may have gotten ADHD from his father, any thoughts? I find that with my husband, adhd'er, I used to hit walls when trying to help our son. We are married and together, but my husband was in denial. A lot of adult adhder's are and they end up diagnosed AFTER their children. We have that occurrring in husbands family with his brothers and their children.
Just a though!
So he not on the right med for him. Besides the tenex, what else is he on?
I wonder if he is on a stimulant? If he isn't, why not try it, now is the time.
I recommend concerta, in addition to the tenex. I know he is only 4, but my son could have started at that age as well. Of course, with the help of a specialist, not a pediatrician.
You don't want him sleepy because of the med. that is not a good scenario either.
I honestly think he needs concerta or adderall xr, etc AND tenex. He sounds a lot like my boy. Very hyper, very impulsiver, extremely intelligent. Mine is young for his age. Your boy is too young to see if he is immature just yet.
I am not happy reading that he is now sleepy because he is taking tenex. That should be helping him.
My son is 12 and takes 1 mg for the entire day, IN ADDITION to 90 mgs of concerta. The two work like a charm. It was trial and error, but we found the right combo.
Just my opinion!! 
Let us know how it is helping him!!
Marcus is seeing a child adolecent development and behavioral specialist. he also works with adolecent medications. I have talked with him about medications and he thinks tenex will do the job for marcus, but he did say it is trial and error. I am new to all of this medication and specialist stuff and have no clue what i am doing. I am hoping that one day i get this right and marcus can have a some what normal life. He is a really smart boy, he learns really quickly, just has to be something that can keep his attention. He struggled every day before his medcation just to be able to concentrate at school, now he can but is getting really tired when he comes home from school. His doctor told me that he should still be taking naps, he has not napped since he was 2. I know alot of 4 yr olds still nap but not mine. I just really want my baby boy back. Sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing by putting him on medication. Before i know he was struggling but now he still is and i dont know what to do. He struggles to stay awake after school, he sometimes dont want to go to school. I have to take him in crying. Before the meds he was never tired during the day, he loved going to school. I know i made the right decision by putting him on meds but the side effects like him being tired during the day just drives me nuts. He is usually up every morning at 7am and it is 7:30 and he still will not wake up. And now that he is on meds it is like he is attached to his sisters side. If he is not with her then he is crying. He has always been close to his sister but has never been like this. How would i go about finding a specialist and a medication specialist. I have no clue what i am doing when it comes to any of this. I thought my doctor was a specalist but am not 100% sure. I just really want the best for marcus as he deserves it.
My adhd'er never slept, never napped. That is also a sign of adhd.
I don't like what I read. I don't think this alone, or at all, is the one.
I would consult the doctor. Are you using the pediatrician??
This is not how it is on meds, believe me. You are in a trial and error stage, but you are not there yet, honestly.
Call the doctor.
thanks for the advice. I will be calling his doctor i dont need a child who is so tired they cant do anything and i dont need him bouncing off the walls. He was tollerable when he was taking 1/2 mg twice a day, but i wore off around 3 and i had a hyper child again. He is listed under Child Adolescent Development and Behavior. I was referred to him through our regular doctor. I also have to take marcus to see a behavioral heath outpatient theropist. I am so lost in what i am doing for marcus all i can think about is am i doing the right thing for him. All these doctor appointments and medications. I know the medications are suposed to help but its the wait that hurts me. I really wish they could find one that works and dont make him a zombie. Today is a non school day and i get to see for myself how it affects him all day. If i dont like what i see im going to go nuts. Right now all he wants to do is eat and watch tv. He has only been up for an hour and took his meds right away and i cant get him off of me. He wants me to sit with him and watch the tv and if i dont he cry's. I cant just sit around all day and watch tv with him or have him attached to my side. He needs his independence too, if i could just get things right for him it would help alot. Thanks again for the advice. Please check out the doctor we are using as i am not sure if he is a specalist... Input on this would greatly help. Luvmykids0239939.288912037We have had great success with concerta, you have to keep increasing the dose as the child shows signs it is not working or not effective, all depending on the childs metabolism. My son metabolizes quickly. When he was 7 we had him at 72mgs for over two years. He is now going on 12 and at 90mgs for over two year again, and needs another increase.
The tenex works IN ADDITION to the concerta. I strongly recommend it. If this doesn't work and you try upping the doses, then he may be better on adderall xr - two different med families. My son CAN'T handle adderall xr, but CAN handle concerta.
We also see a med specialist, not the pediatrician, who DO NOT specialized in adhd or mental health areas. We see a psychopharmacologist who does, he writes prescriptions and works in the mental health field. He is a psychiatrist as well.
YOu may want a specialist who knows ALL the meds inside and out versus a pediatrician who is for physicals and when they are not feeling well, if you know what I mean.
Keep us posted!!
He had been on meds now for the past month, today the doctor had me try a diffrent dose that way he is not so hyper around 3pm but it is not working, It is like he is not on mediation at all. He was taking 1/2 tab at 7a, and 1/2 tab at 7pm of tenex, now the doctor has us trying 1/4 at 7am. noon, 3 and again at 7pm but i dont think it is working, i know i might need to give it some time but omg i was so frustertated today i could have just cried. He had a physical at the clinic and an eye doctors appointment, i made sure they were not back to back so he had some time to play but i couldnt control him at all. He was off the wall and i was so embarassed i felt like picking him up and walking right out. He was threatening me in the doctors office and biting me. and while i was holding his hand he grabbed my finger and twisted it so hard that it almost put me into tears. It is like we took a huge jump backwards. ya he is not tired around noon anymore but he cant control his own behavior like he could on the other dose. As for his father he was diagnosed with dislexia and possible ADD. I think his father just does not have the time or is willing to participate in anything other than his life. It has been that way since before our son was born. My kids have learned that they cant count on their dad to show up to important things going on in their lives. I have always done the doctors appointment, teacher confrences, concerts, etc alone while he sits at home in his own world. He is like his own father in someways where it is the mother's job to do all of that stuff and he should just be able to sit back and ignore everything. I am so glad that i dont have to try to beg him anymore to help with the children or participate. I have learned that all i have to do is ask once and the rest is up to him. He can explain to the children why he wasnt there and why my new boy freind is there. At least now my children have a male figure that will do things with them and participate in their lives. I am done making up excuses for my ex, if he wants to keep going down the path he is then the kids will eventually notice and start wondering why and he will have to try to explain. I am just glad they dont have to get disapointed every day like they were when we were together, now when they come home they have me and my boy friend there to ask how was your day and actually pay attention to them. Well got to run lots of stuff to do outside with the kids. We have been planting flowers and grass at our soon to be new house. They are having alot of fun helping decide where everything gets to go.If your son is diagnosed correctly, and impulsive, hyper, etc., it will only get worse as he gets older. School will be quite a challenge for him both academically as well as socially. He could end up labeled by both the children and adults (parents & teachers, staff, etc). I am just trying to prevent that from happening to you, it happened to us.
Try what the doctor is suggesting, you won't know until you try!!
As far as family, yeah, I have been through the same crap, plus some. I am not having to deal with the divorce stuff and girlfriend stuff. What kills me on that subject is it is probably the dad that passed the genetics to your son, but look how he behaves, like a typical ADHD'er and very immature to boot.
Hang in there, you have US!! We are here when you need us!
Relax in the garden !! And enjoy your mother's day weekend.
Beth
well one less stresser in my life. Today was the final hearing for my divorce. I am so happy it is over. I also found out his father will not be making it to his appointment with the psycholigist. I know i really cant do anything about it but i am going to be enforcing that if he can not follow what we are working on in his meetings that he will not be allowed to take marcus. I will not have him totally go against what needs to be done for marcus. I am also all done with my child care courses. So now i can concentrate more on marcus's medical issues and moving in a few weeks. He is doing really good on his new dose he is taking 1/2 mg of tenex at 7am, 1/4 mg at noon and 1/4 mg at 7pm. So far so good. I am hoping that we can resolve his aggressiveness with the psycoligist. But if not i will be contacting his doctor again. there has to be something that can help him with that. I just dont know what to do anymore. I am at my wits end with my ex and his ways with the kids. I got them back to day and i cant believe how they are acting and the stuff that they say. They dont listen to me at all, i have been trying for the last half hour to get them to go to bed and they wont listen. To top things off he had one of his friends over and his friend told my 9 year old that she does not have to listen to me and to be a total brat for me. I have only had them back for 5 hours and i have a migrane already. My 4 year old is so hyper that i cant control him at all, who knows how much sleep he has had all weekend. I just dont know what to do anymore. Part of me feels it would be better if they didnt see him at all and then there is the part of me that knows they need him. Its every time he has them, They go there well minded children and i get them back and they are animals after 2 days. All i want to do right now is cry! Why does this happen everytime. I went to talk to my ex about this and about his girlfriend and he blew up at me and told me that his girlfriend is a better mother to my children than i ever will be. I just dont know what to do. I know he is not right, but in someways it makes me wonder. I cant even control my own children right now... 
I feel you. My son is like that when he's hung around my mother, who
tries to be the "fun grandmom" and lets him run wild.
Is he giving your son his medication?
But it's both your kids who are affected. Probably he's telling them it's
your fault you broke up and churning up their anger toward you.
Probably he's being the party dad and making you seem like the monster
disciplinarian. Probably he's telling them he wishes they could stay with
him but you won't let them.
If it's any consolation, I have a friend who's ex is just like that. The kids
smartened up real quick. Once the novelty wore off, they sometimes had
other things they wanted to do, like attend ball games. Big mistake with
their dad - then he was POed at them for not appreciating him. Neither
of her kids want anything to do with their father now.
He's angry at you and using the kids to get back at you. If he gets into
this pattern he'll stay in this pattern forever. He'll ruin your daughter's
wedding just to get back at you.
Find someone, a third party, who can talk to him. Probably all his friends
are afraid of him and won't step up. See if his mother can talk to him
about it, or one of his siblings. He needs to hear from someone in his
world how destructive his behavior can be to those kids.
In the meantime, document everything. Because, you know what - it
might be better that they don't see him for a while. So long as he's crazy
angry they shouldn't be around him. And maybe being away from them
will be what wakes him up so he'll start acting like a human being again.
In the meantime, give yourself a break. Let the kids control themselves.
Tell them that they have to do X Y and Z tonight and be in bed at this
time. If they miss something, oh well. It won't kill them to skip brushing
their teeth or sleep in their day clothes one night. Don't fight with them,
just tell it how it is. Give them time warnings only - lights out in 10
minutes. If your daughter gets in trouble for not having her homework
done, she'll remember you mean business next time. Don't be angry -
just for as long as they aren't complying let yourself "not care." The time
runs out, take the lightbulb out of their room if you have to. Kids need
discipline - not punishments, discipline. They need to know where the
ground is when it feels like their world is breaking apart. Be rock steady
on that ground for them.
And when they're in bed take a long soak in the tub with a glass of wine
and an escapist book. Good luck!
thats a whole lot to deal with.communication is always very important Ii didnt even read corinas post im sorry i usually try to read through a thread.but its late and my cognitive skills are staring to wonderin to dozing .
i have two thoughts
control communication2 communication.
I worked a unit of 28 kids just me and another adult to supervise. over every moment was like having to be boss yet cater to all of thier emotional needs.so when a new staff or a staff that doesnt even know the kids names would be assigned to work the unit .
the kids jump at it .
1 i would take control .
using either leverage or manipulation or what ever it took .
the kids had to lt the adults talk.
everyone to thier rooms no one has permission to be in the halll i would -
2 communication
i would seek out that other adult and either hve them tell me what thier approach to shift was going to be or i would tell them how it was going to be.
see i was looking for a specific method.
approach - the other staff must know that i want to listen to them.understanding even if wee dont agree at least we know what eachother is going to do. i could adjust my approach to what thier intent is.for my situation either strict or approachable.if both staff were strict the two different interpretation brought tensionif both staff undermine eachother the kids were acted out many things.so by having that little chati could adjust my persona to make a unit restricted yet the kids could talk to at least one approachable adult. while the other managed the environment around that staff processing with a child.
1 control
sometimes a change in routine helps to break up reoccurring behaviors.
sometimes a kid would get my number i mean they would figure me out and they would get control that way - so i would change up the routine instead of group go to your rooms .then i would divide and conquer thier needs. i would sometimes walk onto a unit ant he kids were in control. and they were willing to stay in trouble to keep in control.non verbal skills work wonders when it gets to that point because noise keeeps everyhing stirred up. so when thier yelling over me and im yelling over them is looney tunes times they do everything they can just to get attention.i could stand by the unrully ones room wouldnt take but a minute and they were in thier room trying to keep me out of it. 1 down 10 to goi would talk to the most positive kid on the unit giving lots of attention but more like wispering than talkin out loud . ignoring the hyper ones not totally but i wouldntreward them with attenion unless they were acting positve.
i would do things in the environment like dim lights
change a radio station
ask one to sing or to read a story aloud.
sometimes being boss is isnt worh its wieght 99% the adult must be boss and give out reasonable expectations and give time and space to allow hose expectations to get started.its that 1% that naws at me.in that time is whe the kids act out so its my total focus to gain control .without struggle without demand.a fake smile goes a long way , then a short stint of a planned ignore just as soon as they seek attention i suggest and expect a positive outcome.i listen to what they say then as were talking i start walking to thier next step in thier routine , if nessasary help them start doing whatever it is with them.so yeah i recognize the the other r adult was worthless , doesnt do me anygood to to immediatly fight all the battles righ then and there.i take notes and when i get the opprotunity to isolate them i review what i want them to do differently eespecially on the emotional levelok ok thats all just my own circumstance.if i were in you shoes what would do.hmmm that sounds like advice im not trying to advise. me personally in a similar situation .i would see it coming . lets go to mcdon playground of course everyone says "yeah"then its a five hour stay and no ones going home until all omework is completed. and theyre all able to listen when i speak and everyone can take turns speaking. i know i hate it to but sometime i just got take a break too which is essentially a time out.after pick up from dad use a buffer zone .if a child is throwing a tantrum you wouldnt take them to a china shop.so dont take them to your living room either."since youre all out of control were all taking a time out. god i know thats harder on the parent 13 kids in shoe iykwim but the kids have to see whose in control. a three hour stay at mcds isnt i will tell you this . working at that facility taught me some things about working with adults!!!!!!!!!!the staff that played favorites can get through a shift or week.then they would be in the same situation again having to be very le·ni·ent
adj.
over and over . the kids time was wasted
usually when i stick to my resolve.
over time a child would
learn change and grow.
while the other staff didnt like to "process" i would
i would hold them accountable and make them complete thier expextations
while i was open with al them saying
i cannot be your friend
i must be your staff
while i cant pick favorites i can be fair if you want me to be lenient you must be compliant with expectations .
at least be trying.befor discharge the kids would always seek me out usually to give me a last cussing out but i would see it coming and give them a bow of confidence
and a the would would open up and hug me.
the older ones 16-17 would hank me saying "you were hard but i learned alot"
one said " i still dont like you but you never gave up me no matter how hard i tried to push you away you always made me hink tomorrow is a new chancetry agian"
what im saying is kids need adults in good times and in bad.
being friends has its limitations.
kids are constantly challenged letting t
hem control thier environment eventually causes more problems than stucture. and routine.
so----
i think you should ignore the attempt to make you feel inadequate .
thats just what immature adults do to hurt.
i see that youre looking out for he kids,
and its sound like your XS is lookin out for himself.
---------
its crazy to undermine youre allies
thats what multi parents should be.
if youre not united then its easy for kids to argue the differences.
if kids dont get processing of emotional challenges then they will try to get that processing by arguing. if that doesnt work then they act out if that doesnt work they become negative atttention seeking.
--
the biggest battle i choose .
expectation
consistent expectations by far this eliminates emotional curveballs.
wether im having bad day or not my expectations are the same.
so i have that little chat with the kids too.
they know what i expect and i can gett clued in if thier having trouble doing them.
--------
i have a similar issue with my niece
she lies to her parents about how we hold her acountable
she likes to manipulate.
the four adults cant always communicate - wont i mean
so its difficult to spot lies and thier lasting effects on trust.
my brother says " just let the kids play" until the shoes on the other foot then he wants to talk.
what im sayng is "FYI talk" must be the normal thing.
parents need to find that that comuncation spot
away from children not acting like children
its best when everyone is heard not everyone has to agree but at least heard.
i tried to do this with my brotherr and his wife , because my niece was having some emotional control issues .
they were axxholes acting like they never seen her do tht it must just be me or my wife.
so i thought to myself the only way i going to get her to be corrected is by parental intervention.
i set up a web cam .
specifically to capture her behavior.
but i approached it differently .
i gathered many other events first it was a postive family feature . silly and funny things be posted on the family website . then art things and other positive attention things .
then there it was
niece wispering in my DD ear then my DD screaming cusswords and hitting other kids.at first i just showed my DD cussing and hitting
then i showed the whole thing.
seeing is believing.
my point here is that it was communication that was failing the kids
i had to resort to video proof.
my leverage was to open a communication chat.
he didnt like those behaviors on the website so i said.
so if youre refusing to listen again and i have to prove it to you you just want me to e-mail you a video or voice recording.of course he didnt answe with onlysaying "just let them play"
but my sister in law saw it .
my brothers approach was to ignore the chat.
so i let my sister in law view the Negative behaior videos in private.
im not trying to build a case against my niece only to communicate with her parents when she needs to be held accountable.
my bro is type A and my SL is a BP hermit so my niece has learned many manipulitive behaviors . im not saying thats good or bad just at times she needs guidence and accountability .
my DD is no angel so i hate it when she gets sent home with no explination.
no processing no what will you do differently next time .
aaaarrrggghhhhLuvmykids0239940.6216087963