Feel like a horrible mom! | ADHD Information
The woman has issues.Jessica N39985.3654513889OK, OK. so now you have calmed down from this. I will give you some sage.The woman you encountered does not have to deal with what you deal with on a daily basis. So she may be less tolerant, and you might be over tolerant, as your kids were not killing each other, but may have been over the imaginary line for someone else.
I am NOT condoning what she did. I would have told her to take her opinion and shove is so far up her ass, it would take a map and three days to find.
NOW, on the other hand, kids are playing, who gives a rats ass about up the slide, and down the slide. Unless they were PARKED on the slide, she should chill.
But regardless, I am sure you handled it fine. Just remember, there are people out there that want total sterilization and kids are seen and not heard. And as far as a bad parent, how many people stand in a restaurant and belittle someone else.
sounds like some issues at hand for her.
I have walked in your shoes, all the way down to no friends as well as feeling like social outcasts from my sons adhd behavior. HE had not playdates or birthday parties and he is the sweetest child, but easily over stimulated, adhHHHHHd, impulsive as well.
I agree with Logansmom. There is definetely something wrong with that other person, she is no lady and I honestly wonder how she is as a parent. She could probably stand being seen by a professional because her behavior is quite frankly NUTS. She went postal on you and your child. I hope you don't know her and will never see her again. I also don't think your son did anything horrific, a lot of kids go up the slide backwards and use those words, some even worse. that "thing" was completely out of control and took it out on your son and you!!
My son's teacher sounded just like yours. They know and understand that the child can't help it. She helped me when we started the medication trial and error time.
We stared with our pediatrician once we were comfortable with starting meds. He was diagnosed just shy of 5 and we started meds just shy of 7. It started getting worse as he got older and the social at school wasn't helping him at all - real bad labeling. (small gossipy town)
We then were referred by our pediatrician to see a psychopharmacologist since our pedicatrician doesn't specialize in adhd, and I respect him saying that to us because it is true. ADHD is so much more. There is also a lot of co-morbid as well. My son has a speech delay and sensory integration, as well as anxiety. Very few have JUST ADHD. There is usually something else in addition.
I honestly will tell you from my heart that meds saved my son. He still has social stuff but he is so much better. He is now just shy of 12 and a great student and knows right from wrong, has great manners, not a punk and will definetly be an asset to society.
Please keep posting so we can be of any help. I am sorry for what YOU went through. You are at the best place for you. This is like heaven especially for those who have no family or friend support!!
BETHANN39974.1089814815I am sending a BIG hug your way!!!! I TOO feel the same way. My older son always asks why his younger brother gets all the birthday invitations and he never gets ANY!!!!!!! I have lost friends over him who told dont understand. Even the ones who understand get tired of him and I cannot blame them. My son is sweet and loves plants, animals and wants to be social.
He is a constant liar who has NO CLUE what to do in social situations and alienates everyone around him and told me this year that everyone in his class hated him and he had no friends at all ( unfortunately, this is true). I have found a private adhd school for him that will cost us 5500.00 a year and I am hoping that when he gets to go there in 2 years, it will help.
I had friends that blamed their childrens bad behavior on my son when they are together and I am also at my wits end. I wrote a post earlier today and it was last night that hubby decided that we will no longer let this childs condition run the house and ruin things for his brother. Brother is now going to go to a day camp while adhd son stays home. It is a shame but it is what it is.
Thank you all so much! This forum is a godsend. I think I'm going to be addicted to this site! Oh, wow.Can I point something out to you? I think it's awesome that you didn't
take the stress of that (*pick your favorite descriptive word - I'm thinking
of a few I really shouldn't post here*) out on your son. That's an easy
mistake to make. So glad you came here and vented instead!
You know, I don't think your son did anything that bad. I think that lady
completely overreacted (obviously!) I mean, I guess I would have had to
have been there, but I can't imagine how that lady could have done that!
That's so rude! I mean, if he kicked her kid in the head I could imagine
maybe she'd lose it. But seriously! I so pity her kids if they have to deal
with that every day!
If someone attacked me like that I probably would have been completely
silent until the shock wore off. Then I probably would have said
something like, "Oh, he only plays Mature games when he's been smoking
crack, so they don't really affect him."
If I'm not being clear, let me say that I think it was all that woman's
problem, not yours and not your son's. That lady had some serious
problems. She probably spends her whole life looking for someone to
attack so she can feel superior and ignore how pathetic she actually is.
Bravo for looking into helping your son! Look into environmental
modifications and behavioral therapies as well as medications. Giving
him strategies so he can cope with and counteract his impulsiveness will
help him all his life.
You are a great mom! You're an advocate for your child and you're
shielding him from crazy hypocritical people. You may have lost it, but
you lost it on someone who seriously deserved it. So what if you weren't
perfect with some ignorant useless waste of life. You used it as a
teaching opportunity for your son. How much better parenting can you
do? You showed him that you're not perfect and you have to work on
your behavior sometimes, too. You nailed it when it counted.
First of all, let me tell you THERE IS HELP OUT THERE! I have experienced just about everything you've described in your post, except for the totally crazed woman! Sounds like she needs to be medicated! There is so much wrong with HER behavior that I won't even spend the time typing about it.
One thing that I've learned is that people who do not have ADHD kids have no idea what it's like to have one. They think they do, but they just don't! I guess I used to be that way a little before I had a kid but now I see how you never know until you've walked in these shoes. Also, before I had an ADHD kid I rarely (if ever) just "lost it" like you described but now I have to admit that it happens a lot more often.
Hopefully your pediatrician is experienced with these types of issues or knows someone to refer you to that is. My son has both a pediatric phsychiatrist and a pediatric psychologist. Both are wonderfully experience in this area. It can make a huge difference if your with someone that isn't. My son is only 4 but was so severe that he's on medication. Trying to get the meds right has been rocky but it's starting to really pay off. For the first time since he was 2 we were actually able to take him out with us to eat at a sit down restaurant.
I wish you the best of luck and remember we're all in this too!
But tonight at a fast-food restaurant I lost it. This psycho mom started screaming at me that my son "is bad" and that my husband and I are "horrible parents who probably let our kids play Rated M video games" because my son went up the wrong way on the indoor slide in the play area and used the word "stupid" to his brother. I was watching and didn't think he was nearly as naughty as he often is in such situations, but she was getting the whole restaurant against me, saying, "What a bad mom!" etc. It was unreal. The worst part was, a nice mom from our neighborhood happened to be there sitting next to us witnessing the whole thing. I asked her nicely to lower her voice and tell me exactly what she saw but she kept attacking my son and me about how "bad" we are. I told her I'm sorry if he misbehaved, he probably has ADHD and then she started taunting me, saying it was a made-up disorder to cover up bad parenting. Well, I'm ashamed to admit I stooped to saying, "You're fat and ugly." (it was true, but still...) I later had to explain to my sons that it's never nice to name call and I was out of line even though she was being mean. I just feel like I can't take this anymore. My whole family are social outcasts everywhere we go because of my son. His teacher says he's a sweet boy who tries really hard and that she honestly believes he just can't control it. I feel like I have no friends because nobody understands he's not really bad. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent. I love both my sons soooo much that I get so upset when people are so hurtful to them.
Tracer39968.7824074074I've gotten my son on a schedule where he wakes up on his own. He
takes melatonin very early, like 7:30, then by 8 he's in his bedroom. I
read to him, up to an hour a night. Sometimes he reads to himself. He'll
stay up as late as 10 sometimes. but 9 times out of 10 he wakes up on his
own.
When I wake him up he's a snarling beast. I am extremely firm when he
starts. It's not a nice start to the day, but it's better to get him back on
track immediately rather than get him into an argumentative pattern. I
just don't allow anything and remind him that his behavior will lead to
punishments he doesn't want, so he usually comes around pretty quickly.
One way or the other, he has a strict schedule as far as the order of
things, he knows what's going to happen, and that helps him
tremendously.
Yeah we go through all that, some days. We also give him his meds early and let him go back to sleep so he wakes up and comes down medicated. On school days, he sleeps as long as he can and then wakes up but again is medicated.
On weekends, I try to medicate but also let him sleep, so if he comes down with no meds, we can be in for anything - he can be goofy and silly or grumpy and moody. Once his meds kick him, he is great. And doesn't remember how he just was.
Let me throw this out, are you sure it is just adhd? Any co-morbid diagnosis?
How about friends at school??? Any communication with teachers???
My son hasn't received one invitation to a single party from his school and he's been there for 4th and 5th grade. It never dawned on me, but when it did, I was so sad for him. He did get one for his football team, but thats it. Sleep overs are out for him because he is too wild for the "normal" family. Nobody really understand how demanding my son with can be with normal routines and how a simple no can turn into a blow out between us that just isnt' normal, looking from the outside in. My son actually lunged after me, as in attack and hit me, because I knocked a huge blow up bat out of his mouth, that he was sticking in the ceiling fan, while it was moving! he doesn't respond to a nice and calm please don't do that, that when it gets tense and even embarrassing when we are out places like the swimming pool and my son does not listen to me. So what do I do? let the kid tear the house down around me to keep the peace? I feel like the outcast in my apartment community which is small and a few of the ladies know everyones business.SAJ09, my son is like that without meds. He is 12 on Saturday. No birthday invites either. I don't know if boys have parties, not sure at that age.
How is your son at football, I bet he is great!
does he have any friends that you know of from school? How is school for him?
I find that the boys can be clicky just as much as girls. He does need friends. What is he doing this summer?
It does make you cry when you think about it. does it bother him? My son stays busy with the computer, video games - x box live, and has a friend who moved to another state that keeps in touch.
So how do you handle the situation of waking up? does your son yell or shout mean words, not want to get up, or combative during waking up? I don't know how to wake my son up! he's going into 6th grade and I think he should start waking up to his own alarm clock. is that even possible with an ADHD kid?dont tell me about it, I can totally understand. Old friends dont visit anymore. When they are small you can call it a tantrum, when they get bigger people start realising there is something uncomfortable there.The waking up situation,
My meds have helped me enormously. I feel like I can offer him a very placid but resilient and firm mummy who wont be budged but is there for him. I would say lots of quiet voice, reassuring but absolutely no budging.
sink39988.6336689815All the posts really help. I have been told at the last psych visit about 3 months ago that he's strickly ADHD, our next appt. is July 8. I even ask him the night before "ok, how would you like me to get you up?" I try to find out from him what he thinks will be better than me telling him wake up, gently rubbing his back, really this is the only time I can get close and admire the beautiful son, but then is he's upset, he'll swing an arm at me, then he'll just turn over and keep saying "5 more minutes" by then the clock is ticking and I'm getting late for work. I will pull him out of bed, now he gets upset with that too....he wakes up and we fight and I can't hold my words and am turning into the worst excuse for a mother, I cried this morning again..I don't know whats wrong with me, I'm so awful to my son....You know, I suspect puberty has entered the picture. I don't know about meds, but if he is on them, they can stop working all together.
The moodiness can be also due to this as well.
What do you think???
I'm sure, i'll have to learn about boy puberty, as well. I just want to hold him and take away all the mean things said and ask if we can just be how we were. I feel like he's rejecting me all the time when I try to talk to him. He does surprise me and say "mom, come here" and he'll give me a big hug and tell me he is sorry for his behavior, but not all the time. I know he's dealing with not seeing his father as well. we have to have surpervised visits and his dad isn't playing along.I bet the dad stuff is so much a part of this - he is depressed/angry, etc.
Plus puberty!!
He loves you so much that he feels safe to take his feelings out on you, remember that - you are all he feels he has!! 
What is he doing this summer? any plans? Any friends???
My son is attending a summer camp, where he comes home everynight, and he likes it so far. I've had good reports when I pick him up. His camp is planning a three day camping trip and it will be a first time for him, so I'm thinking about that, but he wants to go, he doesn't get excited about it, but if he says he wants to do it then I guess he's excited. He has one friend that lives in the neighborhood, but outside of out apartment complex, and he usually comes to get my son a few days of the week. My son also has a good little friend that is 7 that he feels he can teach new things to. Your son sounds like he is doing fine outside the home. I am happy for him with friends, all you need is ONE!!
I think you are going through ADHD "stuff" & puberty. He is entering the teen's and it shows. My son who was always laid back is showing some "stuff", back talk, etc.
I honestly at times am glad that my son is sometimes showing me this "stuff", he is being a normal 12 year old and coming into his own.
Hang in there, it is hard. You have us here on the boards any time you need to talk or have questions, concerns, etc!!
Nice to "talk" with you!!
He really worked hard this year and his teachers were very impressed with his level of intelligence. He is in the honors and will be in 6th grade. I had a good morning with him today for the first time in a long time, I gave him his medicine and let him sleep about 30 min. I spoke to him in a gentle, low voice, instead of shouting out commands knowing he will be hell on wheels. But he woke up very nice. he continued to complete getting dressed, put on his contacts and dress without any problems. Whew! i'm hoping I might have something here. I should reward him I didn't think of it at the time, but i could when i pick him up from camp.
You dont need to reward him with anything material. I did that thing were you wait for a quiet moment when you are together and you might just remember naturally how pleased you are with him getting up so peacefully and calmly, well that is the time to mention it. ADDers (at least me) dont need reward or punishment close to the action , it doesnt help me to learn. M y confidence grows though when someone praises me for something specifically. Better than any material treat.Ok, well I'm not going to comment on that B______'s behavior (I'll let you fill in the blanks). We all know that she is nuts. I wasn't there, but based on what you are describing, your son was acting like a kid-any kid, not just one with ADHD. I don't know about anyone else here, but neither of my kids know how to slide down a slide. I have never seen them do anything but climb up one. It is more challenging that way. Besides, where did they learn that? From the other kids on the playground. I only stop them when someone wants to come down the slide. I have told my kids that the kids coming down have priority over the kids going up. What you are describing is normal in my neighborhood. Maybe we are weird, but so what. That woman was WAY out of line. I have had my share of dirty looks at my son's behavior, but never a tirade like that. WOW! Kudos for you for not totally going off on her. Hang in there. [QUOTE=Tracer] Well, I'm ashamed to admit I stooped to saying, "You're fat and ugly."[/QUOTE]
Yaaay! Good for you!
People like that only want to make you feel bad and themselves feel good when they say stuff like that. They want you to knuckle under and accept their judgments. Don't get into an argument about parenting with folks like that. It just gives them what they want. I wouldn't have said it under my breath, I would have said it as loud as I could and probably would have added "stupid" or "tighta$$" as well. Granted, I'm a bit of a loose cannon, but people like that don't deserve any kind of consideration, since she's showing none to you. It might also stop her from berating the next parent she thinks is doing a bad job!Wow!! Reading this topic felt like someone was writing about my Chris!
Be strong we are all here to listen and give an opinion!!
After a recent thing in my garden with my son (12)I am realising that I have a similar issue here. Only problem is, I am an ADDer myself as the parent. I react very slowly to my sons inappropriate behaviour and the usual witness (unfortunately)is my neighbour who ought to start up a club with that horrible woman in the fast-food place. Even before she stopped tálking to me she used to vent her anger about people who were late, forgot things, flakiness, so extremely that it was embarassing to be present. I always told her that I was like that myself. I unfortunately take it out on my son alot. When she is on the war path I am terribley judgemental of my son and tense with him.
He was playing with the hose in the garden and found the high power switch and turned it on a few cars and a bit of a cyclist. Watching this my first thought was,I bet thats good fun! I then saw the face of a driver and realised it was dangerous. As soon as I asked him to stop he did. He is a great boy. Alot more lovable than the nasty piece of work next door.
By the way, my son's school had an ice cream social this weekend, and myson was climbing up the slides. But he wasn't the only one - a ton of kids
were. And the ones going up the stairs, when they saw kids coming up the
slides, jumped over the side! I was about having a heart attack thinking of
all the sprained and broken ankles that could have been having.
So it could be worse - there's not following the rules and the result is having
fun, and there's not following the rules in a dangerous manner. I'll take the
harmless fun any day of the week!
But what if the nasty woman in the fast-food place isnt simply a woman in a que in town but someone closer like a neighbour and the neighbour behaviour goes on and on and they hate the mother too because she is the example of everything she hates (ie. also an ADDer).Simple - cut them out of your life. If they still keep harassing you then don't
even bother being polite to them. Don't waste your energy on people like
that. You'll never change their prejudices. It's not worth the fight.
thanks again Corinna for that wonderfully decisive response.
It is a situation which has been grinding for a year now with my neighbour and I live in a small village. She has involved her allies too so I find whilst I am walking round the local supermarket that people are looking in strange places just to look away from me and avoid me - needless to say it has been very painful. Especially because I had a great talk with her 1:1.
My priest gave a sermon about reconciliation strategy and so I got home , wrote it all down and within the week my neighbour and I had been through it together. We got everything 'out on the table', it was an extremely helpful talk, my neighbour physically relaxed and got tearful - she immediately insisted I shouldnt tell anybody anything which she had said to me, of course, with my experience of others I dont blabber to anyone at all. Well, we are a year down the line and she has told her allies something nasty, dont know what, a handful dont greet me anymore, a few look away when I come, worst thing is I dont know why.
Reading the mail about the woman if the fast food place I have realised, she is just an ADD hater. There are people like that in the world. there will always be people who are looking for reasons to hate others and their children. You can never change people like that, they are driven, lets just hope the fast-food restaurant woman and my neighbour never get in positions of power - makes me realise Hitler and the likes were probably a bit like that in the beginning and it just got out of hand, bullies.
Thanks again, I am so relieved that I feel understood here. I havent written much on the children pages because it didnt seem relevant but I think it is. My son and I together have to deal with the woman next door. In a way perhaps I should exploit her as the model of the outside world for my son, ie. there are people in the world as horrible as that and when you grow up you will have to deal with them. He is wonderfully forgetful and gets on really well with their son, after the water hose fun she makes her son disappear for a few months, she sends her children away so they dont spend any time with my boy.
sink39979.2883333333Oh, definitely use her as an example of what to avoid, and show him how todo that by avoiding her yourself!
I do that with my son. He had a really bad teacher who made bad choices
for him and we use her as a yardstick when he deals with unsavory people.
Harsh, but true. It reminds him that he got through being under her thumb,
and he can figure out a way to deal with the new one, too.
And about not playing with her kids - it's a blessing in disguise. If he was
playing with them you'd spend the whole time worrying about how she was
treating him.Yes Corrina, SOOOO True! Thank you. I feel empowered by your words as I find it difficult to cold shoulder people and ignore them but I feel I have a purpose to it now which will make things much easier. Thanks again!!!