Son physically hurts me | ADHD Information
Hi allAny advice, words of wisdom welcome.
What do you if your child hurts you? I feel assaulted. I have a huge bruise on my arm where my nine-year-old son bit me two days ago. He bit me because (although I sat down first) I sat on the "boys half" of the rub. This had not been established, I just sat down. We were in a public place and he knew he couldn't lash out so he pushed his face into my upper arm and bit down really hard. It really hurts and I felt humiliated, vulnerable, angry, hateful.
DH says I should scream at him until he's cowering into a corner and then may he'll be scared of me because he'd never to that do his dad...
Not my style of parenting. I'm scared that he will take a knife to me when he's older. Is that too dramatic..?
DH didn't punish him, just told him off and I was too injured (inside) to take control at the time. Can I punish him now or is it too late??
He has been diag with depression, mild obsessive compulsive and POSSIBLE ODD. I have just read Ian Wallace's You and your ADD Child and it was like the guy had been living in my house, watching us interact. I am going to get a second assessment done.
Son is v apologetic but it's not the first time he's bitten me (it's the second). He also pushes me and lashes out.
I am at the end of my tether and don't want to be near my son. We have no family support as we live o/s (but great friends).
Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with their child??
Thanks for listening.
I have been exactly where you are today. My daughters has kicked, bit and hit me and if she wasn't physical, she was verbally yelling at us. I felt like a victim in my own home. It was this behavior that eventually lead us to have her evaluated. She was in 3rd grade and had just turned 9. She was diagnosed with ADHD (and very well could have also been given the ODD label).
Starting medication made a huge difference. The rages greatly decreased and we had no issues for a year or so. At the beginning of 5th grade, her stress and anxiety increased and so did the bad behavior. We worked with a therapist and changed/adjusted medications and things were under control again. She is now completing 6th grade and things are pretty good right now. We mostly deal with pretty normal preteen defiance and rarely see any emotional outbursts it's well within what I would consider the normal teenage stuff.
If you look at the post regarding "Rage" - http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33603& PN=1
I talked about some of the different things we did while working with our therapist. I've got a couple of other posts as well that talk about similar stuff. (I just don't have time right now to type it all up...)
I'll be thinking about you and your family. You aren't alone and it does get better with time, maturity and appropriate care.
has he been diagnosed with ADHD as well as the others?
I totally think this was an impulsive act, not premeditated or malicious. I think he truly didn't know he did it until afterwards, honestly.
My son never physically hurt me, BUT he poked a girl with a pencil in first grade. The teacher said he was so impulsive and never meant it, but he also didn't know he had done it until the kids/teachers complained, yelled at him afterwards.
We medicated the end of 1st grade, through the help of his teacher with all the ups and downs with trial and error meds.
He is now almost 12 and is only impulsive when his meds wear off. And remember, and we post it here often, our adhd'ers are behind maturity, socially a few years, some even more.
I am sorry this happened to you and I am glad you do not parent the way your husband wants you to. I know you are mad, but do NOT isolate him from your love, he will know when you are doing that to him, I promise!! I hope you have gone near him since you posted, I truly do. 
Raising adhd'ers and those with the co-morbids - depression, ocd, etc is challenging. These boards are a breath of fresh air. You no longer feel alone!!
Please let us know how you both are doing!! 
me tell you! I felt kind of bad about my technique, but it's the same thing
that works whenever I want to do any behavior modification. I talked to
him about it a lot. Like 4 times a day. I didn't go on and on about how it
hurt, but I showed him the bruise and reminded him how I got it and
talked to my son about how else he could have behaved. And I was on
edge for about a month afterward. Whenever he started to get frustrated
I cut him right to the quick. I did yell at him to get his attention when he
was starting his rage. Once I got his attention I talked to him in a normal
voice to help him voice his frustration and come up with an alternate
behavior. After the first time he cooled himself off I upped the ante and
told him if he bit again he would lose video game privileges. We had a
bad week, and then it was totally over.
The key was to not let him forget about it and force him to be empathetic
about it (even though that was hard, watching him be regretful about the
pain he had caused), being sympathetic about the frustration he felt, and
helping him come up with an alternate plan.
I suggest that you try to be extra aware of his mood for a while. I can tell
by my son's posture and facial expression when he's getting amped up,
and then I can intervene and help him calm himself down again.
I believe that all negative ADHD behavior stems from frustration.
Something set your son off. You say he's obsessive compulsive and he
was in a public, ie uncomfortable, place. Work on making sure he's
warned about transitions, that he understands if he's nervous or
uncomfortable he can tell you and you'll be sympathetic, and that he
needs to work on telling you his "rules" because you can't read his mind.
Yep, that's a lot more stuff than you would probably have to do for other
kids. But we're not talking about other kids, we're talking about your son,
and if he needs some extra work, he's going to let you know about it.
Unfortunately he's doing that by attacking you. But he's definitely letting
you know he needs your attention. Help him figure out what's going on
and he won't have to react that way anymore.
Good luck!My opinion? Any child over the age of two knows that biting is unacceptable and they know that it hurts. ADHD, OCD, ODD or whatever. Kids know the difference between right and wrong. I don't think biting is an impulsive behavior. If the child cannot distinguish between right and wrong, then there's something even bigger that's going on. It may be true that some children with ADHD lack communication skills and have a harder time verbalizing themselves but that's no excuse for physical harm. Children who aggressively hurt their parents have problems with authority or are just plain mean. This problem needs to be addressed by the child's therapist.
Furthermore, I believe that all individuals with ADHD would benefit more if they treated their condition from every angle - not just taking medication. It seems to me that many people get a quickie diagnosis, rush to get thier child or themselves on medication and expect all their problems to go away. Living with ADHD is a lifelong commitment to living better.
My son did the same to me and his father. I didnt know what to think. My son just turned 7 - we have had many ups and downs with him. Most kids know right from wrong. Kids who have ADHD have very bad imposes and yes I totally agree that I believe a lot has to do with frustration and the mental state the kids are in. How I can say I believe the bad behavior is totally the ADHDs fault - my son is so loving, in control, never screams or fights when on medication - total angel. When the meds where off he is a different child! Screaming, kicking, biting, cussing, cant sit still - a total demon child. I have 2 different children in the same body. Not long ago I was at a pass. Many questions where coming to my mind - Does he remember what he did after a rage meltdown? Should I punish him for something he cant not control? I mean wow I was very over stressed! I have read quit a few books about how his mind works off of meds and things like that. Punishing a child that has ADHD for something he did impulsive would be like punishing a deaf child for not listening to you. My son seams to strike at us for a few different reasons. Some are for no reason at all - others are for we nicely ask him to do something. He is in a constant state of meltdown when he is off of meds. Im working with the doc to try to get it strait. I hope the best for you and hope things get better!
Twins+1 wrote:
We were in a public place and he knew he couldn't lash out so he pushed his face into my upper arm and bit down really hard. It really hurts and I felt humiliated, vulnerable, angry, hateful.
You has very valid concerns and based on the information you shared in your post, this is a serious physical act of aggression and as he gets older, its not something you can talk the child out of. Rage and physical aggression is not associated with ADHD. All too often the blame is placed at the doorstep of ADHD when in fact, there are co existing conditions that provoke such behavior and/or the child was misdiagnosed with ADHD. Depression disorder can very often look like ADHD so that why it takes a specialist and a very astute clinician to make a differential diagnosis. One other thought....untreated or poorly managed ADHD can cause serious anger issues to surface due to frustration and the inability to control impulses but again, such anger issues are not a trait of ADHD. Anything beyond ADHD happens as a result of a co morbid or an untreated condition or ineffectively treated condition.
What type of treatment is he getting to manage his symptoms of depression and OCD and who diagnosed your child?
THANK YOU! You guys are so great. I'm absorbing everything you've said and realise that my son was hungry and also probably uncomfortable in the situation we were in (it was food 'festival' and his dad freaks out in those group situations too...).I feel bad but have learnt... I didn't lead him in. I thought I'd told him enough about how things would happen, but in retrospect I could've done more.
Horsemum, I too feel like a victim in my own home. I walk on egg shells around him a lot of the time. Part of the problem now is not having a current psych... trying to find an appropriate one but I keep getting side tracked with other issues with my other kids (not to mention my own crumbling sanity).
Bethann - no he has no been diagnosed with ADHD but part of me feels it's because I haven't asked for it to be considered. I feel as if his psych told me what I wanted to hear. I understand OOD is worse that ADD/ADHD if left untreated. I just feel like I've followed a lot of paths and not yet found the right one. I have pulled out lots of stops today and am going to get a proper diagnosis/es. I think I'm just scared... not brave enough to have a 'label' attached. I have felt distanced from my son these last few days but reading your posts made me feel so much better about the whole thing. I thought about the fact that he in a very busy public place and extremely hungry. Hunger is a huge problem for him. I should have been more attentive. I would never cut him out. I love him very much.
I just struggle to understand him and possibly accept him. I am scared about what the future holds and what he might do to me in a rage. This is not the first time he's bitten me and it's not the first time he's attacked me. He's spat in my face in public, kicked and punched me.
Hey, Wildman02, I've just realised I've just replied to your Rage post. My son is the same, like Jekyll and Hyde. I feel I can't trust him when he's being nice because he's almost too nice and I'm waiting for him to change at any moment. I am, as you put it, totally overstressed. I feel like a headless chicken. I also have a v high-maintenance daughter (a twin) who has a learning difficulty and is really hard work. The other twin is an angel so doesn't get a look in...
Corrina, thank you. I have been reminding him without making too much of a deal of it. He is extremely apologetic and says he just didn't think about how much it would hurt me. He is a very complex character, so loving but so angry.
kjl2691 - I agree. I haven't wanted to treat him with meds but all the other stuff only makes a tiny difference. Meds I think is where we need to head. At times he gets so depressed and asks me if I like living, because he doesn't. "I think I'd rather just be dead. Then it wouldn't hurt any more..."
At times like this I've inferred meds to him, something to help "takes those feelings and that pain away" and he sobs into my arms and says "I'd like that very much".Luvmykids02 - Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. Yes, his psych said the same thing, that ADD is often blamed when other issues may be to blame. I mentioned (I think) that I read the You & Your ADD Child book by Ian Wallce (who infers in several places that he prob has ADD/ADHD himself) and it was like he had written transcriptes of our conversations/interactions. I'm not pretending to be a doc but it rang so many bells I spent most of the book crying. In answer to your question, he doesn't have any ongoing support for depression/OC personality (his father has a touch of the former and definitely has the latter - diagnosed). It's quite cyclical and he'll be fine for a period of time and then it'll flare up and we'll make an emergency trip to the psych. Part of the prob is that I've had difficulty finding a new psych (the other got to an 'age' with my son that she was no longer able to deal with).
Thank you thank you thank you!
On a positive... I have made lots of enquiries today and have the teacher at my daughter's special reading program finding out about their psych and what they can offer; I have also made an appointment with a psych who has been recommended by a friend who have used him for her two sons. He combines traditional meds with 'alternative' so I'm open to that. I am really quite desperate though as I fear for his future and our relationship, but I have to keep an open mind.
Another thing could be that he was over stimulated from the crowd or having an anxiety attack ( not sure ) but you are definetly heading in the right direction with the appointments you have made.
I am honestly very concerned about him talking about not liking living. That concerns me. My son said that from a med side effect and we stopped the med immediatley and he has never said that since. I don't want anything to happen to your son. I would address this immediatly.
Does he have friends in school? That is so important and can lead to depression, etc if things are going wrong in that department.
Please keep us posted as you make your way through the appointments, etc. We are here for your son and you and can answer lots of questions or even comment on any thoughts or occurrences.
You sound like a great mom. Give him a big hug!! And tell him how much you love him!!
LIMITS. kids like structure. you have to provide it.
Kids like certain things happening at certain times.
And you have to have limits on PROPER BEHAVIOR.
Start with the corner, YOU MAKE THEM DO IT.
NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD. you have no idea how silly you look.
and children need to be children FIRST.
[QUOTE=kjl2691] My opinion? Any child over the age of two knows that
biting is unacceptable and they know that it hurts. ADHD, OCD, ODD or
whatever. Kids know the difference between right and wrong. I don't
think biting is an impulsive behavior. If the child cannot distinguish
between right and wrong, then there's something even bigger that's going
on.
[/QUOTE]
I have to say, this post has been bothering me. I take it as very
judgmental and I took it personally, so it took me a while to unpack what
my problem with it was.
You're forgetting that some kids have executive skills problems. Those
are real. For real, they can't remember, understand, follow rules the way
others can. It might sound insane to you, but these kids really honestly
have to be reminded regularly about all kinds of rules, including social
rules like don't bite when you get frustrated.
The key is to pick your battles. Work on one until the kid has got it down
and then move onto the next, but you still have to remind kids about the
rules they understood, because it will just slip out of their minds. And
that's not their fault or choice nor does it mean they have a pathological
problem.
Am I saying that biting should just be igored? No way. But I don't think
blowing it out of proportion is helpful either. It is a behavior problem,
just like all the rest of them. It probably should be put to the top of the
list to be worked on, but it is an impulsive issue. Kids learn they get the
reaction they want when they do it - they put it in their arsenal for when
they are so frustrated they don't feel like they can articulate it. They need
to be shown there are other ways that are just as effective but are more
socially acceptable and should be the method of choice. Demonizing
them won't help.Corrina - I didn't mean for my post to be judgmental. I was just offering my opinion. I'm sorry my comments bothered you. Maybe I don't understand what is meant by executive skills. Maybe because I don't see those problems in myself. I would think that at some point the kid would start to remember being told what is right and acceptable and what is not right and unacceptable. But maybe I just don't understand. We all remember something and to imagine that a child (or an adult) can not remember what is acceptable, I just don't get it.
Just as kids learn how to get a reaction they WANT, they can learn how those reactions can actually hurt someone. They can learn the verbage to express themselves for when they're frustrated or angry. It may take a while. I don't suggest demonizing them. But just as they can learn unacceptable ways of behaving, they can learn acceptable ways of behaving as well.
It's true, they can learn it, but it's just harder for them, especially when
their schedules are thrown out the window. They need the reminders
because when it comes to rules their minds are like sieves. You should
try playing an imaginary game with one of these kids - literally the whole
game changes minute by minute because they can't keep hold of the
rules they made up themselves! My son has been to public school for 3
years and still (less and less frequently) has to be reminded about the
morning procedures of hanging up his jacket and turning in his
homework. It just doesn't stick.
1) Try to avoid frustration.
2) Keep to a schedule or give kids a heads up about what to expect.
3) Give them examples - and practice them often! - of more positive
behaviors so they will tend toward those.