New here - need advice | ADHD Information

Hello everyone...

I found this board today and I am hoping for some advice. The short history of our situation is my son is 6, recently diagnosed ADHD. He is not on meds yet. We are seeing a therapist and working on setting up behavior programs.

Here's my question - what do you do when you think you made the wrong decision on a minor issue and it blows up in your face? This is a minor thing, but a good example...Last night DS was getting ready for bed, was in bed, and then remembered he didn't get his "last drink for the night". We told him no, it was too late (since he'd been stalling to get into bed in the first place) and he threw the mother of all temper tantrums. We held our ground and he never got his drink, but it delayed him getting to sleep by an hour and a half and then he didn't sleep well (was up several times) and was cranky this morning. Now, this was a battle I normally would not have picked - any advice on how I could have pulled out of this situation without "giving in"? I get so confused sometimes on when to be firm and when to pick my battles....the more I read the more confused I get.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening.....

Thinking this was happening in my house, I would probably just tell him "just this once, you can get the drink and get into bed. But going forward you know the rules."

I would also remind him of the drink time as it is approaching and the time allowed is expiring. My son needs prompts, reminders. We could never just say ok this is it, it is over time to go, we had to say 10 more minutes, 5 more min,., 2 more minutes - always giving him the heads up and boy oh boy did it help him with transitioning and to get things, etc even when it is time to eat and he is playing.

What ever works to keep things as smooth as possible and within your family's guidlines!!

You'll get used to picking battles, and avoiding conflict. Jessica N39985.3662847222I make sure my son knows the rules, and what he can trade for breaking
them, then I give him the choice. For example, if he misses his bedtime
deadline due to stalling, he can't play with his DS the next day. If he
insists on it, I make sure he understands what's going to happen, and
then it's on him, not me. When he complains the next day that he can't
have whatever he's missing or he's tired or whatever, I remind him of the
choice he made. I don't listen to the fighting. I am completely okay with
negotiating, and with laying my cards on the table. He knows there are
consequences for tantrums. Period.

My son is 7, and it took about 2 years to get to this point. Inflexibly
following rules doesn't work - it guarantees a tantrum, actually.
Listening and negotiating, within reason, works wonders. Of course, as
the mom, I get to make the final decision.

And for bedtime - I put my son to be a half hour before I want him to go
to sleep. He gets melatonin to help him go to sleep, and we read
together to relax him. The routine works like a charm. Most of the time.

Best of luck!

Thanks for all the replies -  I appreciate it.

After talking to my son, we decided I would make a chart for the bedtime routine just like the one we have for the morning routine. It will go on his bedroom door so he will see if before he goes to bed - a visual cue to go get his drink before he goes into his room and gets into bed.

I have a feeling we have a long road ahead of us, but we'll make it.

Your not alone on that road! At least now you know you have others on the same road as you!! The chart is a really good idea. It helps him to be able to take
responsibility for getting everything done independently without you
nagging him.

About the chart - it's not all that common for parents to do them for
kids. I had them for my son and when he went through all the formal
testing we found out that he has poor executive skills. Those are the
ability to understand, remember, and follow rules. It's a separate issue
from ADHD, and can be even more maddening. It's especially rough at
school, because kids can't remember routines that teachers think they
should. In retrospect there were all these clues that I didn't pick up on
and had I known the interventions my son needed - simple things like
clear instructions with all the steps given in order and checklists to make
sure he doesn't forget something - it would have made his life easier.
Look into executive skills interventions to help you come up with
strategies for guiding your son.

Thanks once again for the replies....I will definitely do more research on executive skills.

I actually came up with the morning schedule chart about a year or so before DS's diagnosis - just as a way to get him out the door in the morning. It has 8 tasks (go potty, get dressed, take vitamin, eat breakfast, make lunch, comb hair, brush teeth, and put on shoes). It has both written directions plus a picture, then I put the same picture on a magnet that he can move when the action is done. When we started, once all his things were complete he could watch TV. Eventually that became a problem, but the chart still works, so now we also have a sticker chart. He completes the morning routine and gets a sticker. He also gets stickers for having a "good day" at school and eating a good dinner, etc. After x number of stickers he gets to go to the "goody basket" and pick out a prize.

I did something similar a year and a half before diagnosis. I made a series
of pictures of what my son needed to do with the time he needed to do them
by (he could read a clock on his own), and taped them up in order on the
wall of my living room. I got quite a few comments about my interesting
decorating, but it worked. Basically it was a visual checklist. I had them
posted for the whole of his Kindergarten year. His teachers were
dumbfounded - they had never heard of it and wanted to know where I had
heard of the idea.

I'm telling you - parents come up with great ideas just by knowing their own
kids! Too bad so many schools dismiss them...