Introduction and about me- long! | ADHD Information

Many thanks again for your kind replies .  They have been very helpful and reassuring. I will try and get around to PM you all in the new year. I'm won't promise but I'm sure I will LOL .

Have a good one

Tony

Hi

I'd just like to introduce myself, I am a 26 year old male in London UK who has always suffered from anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with them a couple of years ago when things got to breaking point.

Totally by accident I stumbled on an ADD website a couple of days ago and like many people have already said before it was like reading about my life - I could not have written better description of myself. I have a friend who suffers from bi-polar depression and we have many similarities but my symptoms are a lot less severe. I have mentioned my swings to my doctor but he didn’t say anything about bi-polar. I have always had a gut feeling that my depression is caused by something rather than just happening and I think it is ADD if that is what I am suffering from.

This was meant to be a brief description of myself and life but it turned out a bit long!:

As a child I was always hyperactive. It didn't really show in public because I was so shy but I would run about the house if i got excited and I still do now if no one is at home.  I also suffered from obsessive compulsions like having to count things in my head over and over again and twitching my muscles in my face. The obsessiveness in doing pointless things is not a problem any more but still there.

I got through school ok but I disliked it, thought it was a waste of time, didn't have many friends and felt disconnected. Same story with university but I managed to graduate with a good degree in physics from fear of failing and doing all my work at the last minute. The problems started when I went back to university to do a masters degree.  There was tons of paper work, and a long research project. I just could not get motivated to properly start the project. I would sit in my room everyday to do the work but continually distracted myself with the computer, reading other things etc.  I really wanted to do the project but for some reason couldn't get started. This caused a great amount of anxiety. In the end I did the 30 week project in 3 weeks by working intensely for 18 hours a day and managed to just pass it. I failed the degree overall though because I didn't hand in a few essential pieces of course work that I didn't hand in, some of which I had done.

After that I never got a job, partly because of the shame of failing the masters degree and partly because I never really got around to it because I can continually put anything off if I am not really, really interested in doing them. On top of that was the thought of how I couldn’t stand office work. Sitting for hours working on just one thing. Having to keep focused so I wouldn’t forget details like passing on messages. I was very scared of getting a job and still am.

I have managed over the past five years to survive financially (although I am in debt) by privately tutoring kids maths and physics A-Levels and doing some web design work and photography. I spend the rest of my time pursuing interests. I feel as if I have no real control over what I do, it just happens.  I taught myself photography to a professional level and started to freelance. I thought it was a good solution because I wouldn’t have to go into an office type environment. It has never really taken off properly because I haven’t got around to doing much marketing and organising of my time. I do have a couple of regular clients though who ask me to do work but I need to get many more. I have spent a long time making a portfolio and website but I just never around to actually using them.

In addition, there are a few other things that have taken up most of my life over the past five years: I’ve learnt how to play the flute and play the game backgammon (complex board game). Over a very short period of time I have reached a high level and I will not be satisfied until I have reached a professional level in both. I may  simply forget about them for a while, usually a couple of weeks/months and them carry on from where I left off. I’m sure I could be a lot better at them if I spent more studing an aspect for a period of time instead of flitting from one thing or another. I can spend up to 24 hours at a time working on them. I can feel really bad because I’m hungry, thirsty, need to go to the toilet and very tired. I just have to continue doing them though. I feel I have no control to stop doing them.

I also spend massive stretches of time on the web reading information. I have many browser windows open at once constantly flicking between them. I can fall asleep reading a sentence if I am very tired. The hyperlinks are drug like to me, I just can’t force myself to go to bed even though I might have a headache and feel awful. I feel I am procrastinating when I am doing this because I has not aim or objectives.

My family life is very bad. I find it impossible to spend any time with them because watching TV too frustrating because it moves so slowly and doesn’t interest me. I have no interest and see no real point in talking about people (I just see it as gossip). I try to spend as little time as possible around my father because he is always telling me to get a job and do something with my life – When we have had heated arguments he has said that I am a failure and said that I ignore him on purpose just to get to him.

My bedroom at home is a tip. Full of unopened mail and clutter. My girlfriend pointed out to me that when I have finished with a cup of tea or a piece of paper I just discard it to my right just outside my field of vision. I never put anything away. The funny thing is that I’ve never realised that before and wondered why I couldn’t keep things organised.

Socially I am very much liked by almost everyone. I don’t have very many close friends because even though I get on well with people there doesn’t seem to be much connection or I simple lose contact with them through disorganisation.

I really enjoy going to rave style night clubs. They are like a playground to me. I can dance to hard and fast music as well as wonder around and chat to people I haven’t met before and have off the wall conversations with them and then move onto the next person. Most people there are very open minded so I don’t have to worry about saying anything too inappropriate.

I also listen to trance style electronic music for hours during the day when I am doing things. It just makes me feel so good. I also like emotionally complex classical music. I find it very stimulating. It is always what I like playing on my flute.

In the new year I think I will go to my doctor and explain the above to him. If I haven’t got ADD I think I certainly have the symptoms so I will be able to help myself from info off the internet and books etc. I mainly want to see my doctor so I can try medications. I was on antidepressants for a year but they didn’t really work. They just turned be into a zombie. They also gave me closed eye visuals. I can’t really remember much from that year but I didn’t realise at the time. The year went by okish but I also lost a very big part of myself – a passion for life.

I also had a profound experience a few months ago that has changed my life. It allowed be to see what my problems were even though I didn’t know about ADD until recently. It also gave me useful coping strategies which has made day to day life with anxiety easier. I’m not sure if I am allowed to discuss it on these boards.

If you have got this far thank you very much for reading. Im sorry if the above is long, rambling or confusing but I’ve never been good at writing! I would appreciate it if people would like to comment/make any suggestions or just say hello.

Thanks

Tony.

Hey Tony,

Sounds like the door is open.  I can relate to the obsessive compulsive behavior.  If I get interested in something I find it profoundly difficult to think about anything else.  OCD is fairly common in ADD.  We are the most difficult sub-type ADD to treat because anti-depressants alone make us worse, and stimulants can aggravate our OCD and Anxiety.  Most ADD's of our subtype have had the best luck with a combination of low dosage of anti-depressant and adding a stimulant later. 

Check out Dr. Amen's Book: "Change Your Brain, Change your Life"

Hi Tony! I don't think your post was either rambling or confusing. I think you expressed yourself quite clearly. I can relate with a lot that you said. I'm no dr, but it sounds ADD/ADHDish to me! Good luck with your New Year's resolution to see a doctor. And welcome aboard. This is a great forum.

Thanks folks for your replies. I'm flipping between euphoria because I know I haven't failed in life out of shear weakness and laziness and severe lows because i have to stop kidding myself that things will not just sort themselves out. I  know I am going to have to  lead a very different life from most people and not be properly understood by them.

Tony

Hi Tony,
I like the honesty in your writing, and I would encourage you to to keep up the good work.
Noone is judging you here, because most of us can relate to your story.
I'm glad you've decided to get professional help though, it might just change your life around.

Regarding professional ramifications (I'm a London bod/scientist too); I guess the reality is that you have to be careful about who you talk to.
For the most part people are understanding, but there is still alot of skeptism in some quarters - particularly óld school/media types'(..and that can really serve to reinforce your sense of disconnection).
Public education is the key, and perceptions are changing.

Soon we'll be accepted with our quirks, just as diabetics and others are.

For now continue to seek help/ keep on writing to us, I'm sure you will find a new clarity, acceptance and vision for your future.



I'm happy to receive a pm anytime.Well, not everything is ADD. Much of what describe could also be
attributed to being extremely intelligent — gifted — and needing a
lot of stimulation in that way, and find a lot of things boring that
other people like.

I am a member of MENSA and also have ADD, and that is not all that
unusual. I did very well in school but never did half of what other
students did for work, for reading. I "got it" quickly.

It has been discovered in recent years with studies done with gifted
children and adults that they do need a lot stimulation, special
classes for the advanced are a really good idea, otherwise there's
boredom, acting out, being told you are actually lazy or not bright
when in fact you are just bored to tears with the level of what is
being taught!   If that's the case, you will always be a bit different —
people on both ends of the intelligence spectrum don't fit into the
great "norm." But, if you qualify for MENSA, you can find another
whole group of people who can relate to you absolutely and you can
support and ecourage each other and have fun!

Like me, maybe you're both.

There's a very funny book out by a UK writer that has a cult following
- the gist of which is about a guy who makes himself stupid so he
can fit in with the world, because they can't see what he sees and
thinks is so obvious. I wish I could remember the exact title, but it
does contain something about becoming stupid!

The web thing for long stretches I was doing too — it is a
distraction, and it is a place where you can keep changing the
stimuli which is why it's such a sirene call.
I can relate to your struggle with your masters totally — I did finish
mine and got published but no one knows I was writing as usual at
the very last minute. I have been saved many times by this writing
gift I have which is so fast and fluent and I never revise anything —
and I'm a freelance writer and get published a lot.

This very same problem, though, just nailed me on my doctoral
exams, which I did not pass. This turned out to be a gift — I had hit
a wall, I had finally come to a place where I couldn't "pull it off" as
usual. THIS is what got me to consult my psychiatriest about
ADD. I have been treated successfully for depression so it was easy
to call him up and then go in to evaluate this. I thought that the
depression when I was in the midst of my masters was why I couldn't
get going on the comps study and the thesis. I thought that now,
great, I'll have no problem with the doctoral stuff. The course work
wasn't a problem with my usual methods, but the comps were the
same exact problem I had before. It wasn't depression, or it sure
wasn't all the depression — I had ADD.
The medication is remarkable. I'm going to be allowed a retake on
my exams (my failure totally perplexed my teachers) and for the first
time I can actually get going easily and do what I need to do. I can
read focused and take my time to absorb it. I have til Sept. to tackle
this enormous reading list. I have a study plan now with that whole
list divvied up over the next 9 months. I never made a study plan in
my life! I just did it. I was actually surprised to see a fellow student
with this day by day plan. I only made a monthly one which made
my director happy. I never even heard of a study plan! Never
needed to do that.

Two of my committee members are insisting that I failed because I
didn't meet with other students in a study group. That is not the
reason, of course. And now I'm being forced to do that to keep
them happy since I'm in no position to defy them after failing.
I HATE meeting with a study group. I don't really care what they are
doing, it bores me to death, it's a waste of time when I could actually
BE studying! And I don't want to have to bring any written summary
in for them!

So . . . I'll fake that part.

If you get the right medication it will make a world of difference.
I also give talks, retreats, etc. — and always prepared that stuff at
the last minute, always rushed. I'm good, and could "pull it off." I
used to be in radio, on the air, a great place actually for someone
like me. But recently I prepared two talks a couple of days in
advance, took my time, did some extra touches for visuals, and was
calm and unhurried when I got up in the morning to go give the
talks! No getting up at 4:00 a.m. to actually make an outline!
This came quite naturally, which was a total surprise. I just did it.

I hope you find the answers to how you are wired and get meds if
you need it or other support too if you need that. And short terem
therapy helps to unlearn bad habits and negative thinking. I think
ADD folks need it as much as those be treated for depression.

Good luck!