My Wife is ADHD & Not sure how to handle | ADHD Information

Hi,

I got married last year and I never knew what was ADHD. But, my first of marriage has been a rollercoaster where my wife 1. Used to be an Alcoholic 2. Taking Sleeping Pills and 3. Taking Diet Pills. She also has a daughter who has ADD.

I had to go through hell in my first year of marriage and I was beaten, spit upon and all thing happened. I had to go through severe trauma and I was not aware why I was going through this. Also, my wife would constantly talk to other men and she would want attention of other men if I do not give her little bit of attention. This cause me anger and frustrations and I was going to give up. Even now, she has not changed, but still she is holding onto the marriage. I am also holding onto it so that I can see some changes in her. But, I am not sure. She will be alright one day and the next day she will change. She will be loving one day and next day she will stop talking or fight with me constantly over small things.

I lost a lot of money because of her and am in a financial debt. She is now earning but she does not want to help in settling the debt that was incurred by her. She often behaves like a child and whenever we go out and when she meets any men, she kind of talks to them as if she is flirting with them. I tell her several times do not talk like that, as sometimes people might mistake you and think that you are flirting around etc..but she says that is my nature and I cannot change it.

I am having serious issues with this marriage and I am not knowing what to do? Whether to get out of it or stay in it? I love her a lot, but I only recently learnt what is ADHD and I am reading through many of the articles and now I am realizing that my wife is one itself and she has told me she has ADHD. She also never used to go to work properly, skip work, go late to work or get distracted with something else.

Please help! As, now she has moved out of my place and she is almost 500 miles away from me, I really do not know whether she is being faithful and truthful. As, sometimes she would go off on a weekend somewhere and not even let me know where she is, as she will fight with me and then turn the cell phone off and never contact me till she returns back. Once, she went and met another man and something happened and she came back after she got into trouble. So, I am really confused what to do with her and how to deal with her.

Appreciate your expert advice.

thanks

Hi,

I'm not an expert but I'm deeply touched by your story. I am a woman and I would rather die than hurt my husband. You went through so much... Yet you never gave up. You are truly an inspiration. It's amazing how far we can go for the ones we love. However, we are humans and we have our limits and there are things that are simply intolerable. The beating, the spitting, the humiliation IS intolerable. These are the first things you must put an end to. Speak to your wife. It may not be easy to do this on your own and luckily, help exists. Join help groups, workshops, educational support groups... Call her, write her a message, send her an email, get someone you trust to speak with her. If none of that works than you have 2 options: 1. Consider medication. Your wife should get evaluated if not done yet then ask for medication. It could change her life...and yours 2. You put an end to your relationship. A person lives with ADHD forever. It's not something that would disappear with time. It can only be handled with support and sometimes with medication as a last resort.

Again I am not an expert, this is just my humble opinion.
I wish all the best,

Stay strong. Hold tight to your faith hi - I may say some things that are difficult to hear.  I was married to an alcoholic husband for 10 years.  Then married a dry drunk and countless other alcoholics in my life.  I finally went to alanon, which changed my life.  My first marriage was for the most part calm but I am ADHD and it was certainly not without problems.  Got divorced because I was not happy.  He never asked me what he could do to save the marriage.  I have since learned the reasons why he never asked.  Because he couldn't stop drinking.  My second marriage was pure hell.  I endured 5 years of PTSD after he died in 2002.  He was controlling, manipulative, coercive, threatening, possessive, insecure.  He twisted things around to make things look like they were never his fault.  He had an explosive temper and would throw things.  He was very selfish and when I asked for a bit of love, he told me I was selfish!  He gave more love and affection to our dogs.  He hated my son and adored my daughter.  I can't help but wonder if he ever sexually approached her.  He alienated me from my friends and almost my family too.  My parents were fearful of him.  We were only married for just under two years when he died of congestive heart failure.  Yes, I knew he was sick when we got married.  Oh, and he spent nine months in state prison for obstruction of justice (it was actually that he cut and paste an old restraining order and got caught. stuff that happened before we met).  He forged a 00 check in my name and then tried to cover it up.  Those were some very dark days.  I quit my job because of him.  It was very turbulent.  When he died, I was relieved more than sad.  I didn't know where I was going to go with my life.  He had sucked so much out of me emotionally.  I had few friends and no resources and he left me with G of debt.  it has taken me a long time to end the nightmares and to rebuild my credit.  I moved 2200 miles away because the house held so many awful memories.  only in the past two years since my move have i been able to put those times behind me and move on to a better life.

I know you love her but you are in a toxic relationship.  Unless your wife seeks help for her own problems (the alcoholism, the drugs and ADHD - who knows what else), you're life with her will be a whirlwind of drama and chaos.  do you really want to live like that?  She's doing what she wants without any regard to you, your marriage or herself.  It's obvious she doesn't respect you and is setting a poor example for her daughter.  it's probably a good thing she went away for a while.  gives you time to get your head back on straight.  i'm not generally an advocator for staying or leaving but this woman is dangerous - both physically and emotionally and financially.  you need to take care of yourself and she needs to take care of herself.

I didn't have the respect for myself to get out of that hell of a marriage I was in.  I tried - I did file a restraining order against him when he forged that check and I did try to file for divorce on my own but it was all so mind boggling and he was so manipulative and filled me with dozens of empty promises.  he'd be sweet one moment and then I'd have to walk on eggshells because I never knew when the next outburst would be.  It was scarey.  Only after he died was I able to repair my emotional state but it took a long time.

i wish you the best.  i really hope things work out for you.






kjl269140030.4794791667good times dont always last  but niether do the bad times.

Hello.

Thanks to both of you. Well, I found out the truth and I am ready to get my divorce. She definitely has ADHD but more than that I just found out 3 days back she has been communicating with men and emailing them to meet them and see them and go place with them.

I found almost 180 emails of hers and finally came to know that she went recently to California during 4th of July weekend and slept with a man and came back staying with him for 4 nights. She told me she went for her family reunion. She has been in the online dating site and specifically is targetting Indian men and emails everyone that she loves them, she wants to meet them, she wants to marry them. and so many other crap.

I did file for divorce initially but emotionally I was distressed as I was in love with her, but I thought she would change, but she did not. Now, after knowing the truth and the fact and she herself accepted that yes she did sleep with another 52 year old man and came back. I was actually going to meet her for that weekend and she refused and gave me another story. But, now the story is in limelight. She is basically seeking for men who can wine, dine and have sex with her and moreover she wants to go places and have fun.

It has broken my heart so badly, but one way I thought, that I did not loose a good women instead I lost a women who had no character. When confronted and when I informed her parents, she says they dont care as they know about me. Even if you go and tell them there is nothing that is going to change, as I am addicted. She had been calling men when she was living with me and married to me and she was emailing everyone to meet half way here, there and fly here and there. Recently I found that these men had booked tickets for her and hotel room to come and meet them and her LA trip has been revealed and next her meeting another man in Washinton DC and Florida was also revealed with all her ticket booking that these Indian men have booked for her.

She has been targetting Indians so they are easy prey for her. So, this is my story, and I am just praying my divorce will go smooth and I can get out of her once and for all and forget these bad memories for the last 15 months. I never knew that she was a PRO...... and I married her and now I dont even feel like seeing her face anymore. I gave my heart and soul and my body and was a faithful husband to her even after she moved out and only used to think of her and now here I am. I thank the lord to let me know about her. I knew there was something wrong with her because of the way she used to talk, her language and also her attitude that there is something that is not right, but she would make me look bad and she would point it out to me that I had the problem.

Anyway thanks to both of you and I hope that others who read this be careful of such kind of women and find out before you take any future steps.

Spouse - Thanks for the update.  I sense you are in such pain right now.  I am so sorry you have to go through all this.  Your wife has many issues (far from just being ADHD).  I wish you all the best.  It may help you to get some professional counseling.  This woman really pulled some numbers on you.  You are obviously a very caring, loving man (why can't I find someone like that?) and divorce under the best of circumstances isn't easy but to have a relationship like yours is even harder.  You are doing good things by taking care of yourself.  You seem courageous and strong.  Hang in there and don't get sucked back in!  You deserve more. :)