Im done!!!!! | ADHD Information
I dont know what to say about this kid anymore. The anger, cussing, hitting us, screaming as loud as he can is getting very very old. He freaked out on me in walmart the other day. Cussing and hitting me in the middle of the store. He dont listen to a word we say. We take things away he asks for them we tell him why he doesnt have it - he says sorry real quick - screams or doesnt listen AT ALL then does it all over again. He thinks that if he is good for one min he should get whatever I took away back. It dont happen. If he got it taken away for cussing - then he just does more of it. I can take it away for weeks and he could careless. He has a evil I dont care about nothing attitude. We have come to the point of spanking (to see if something will work) which i hate so much and it doesnt slow him down at all!! So thats done and over. He cant hold a conversation with anyone. He is the most defiant child I have ever seen!!! He calls me a bitch all the time (which he picked up from daddy at one point). After being called a bitch for over a hour while i do nothing - wow I cant take it anymore!!!! How can you love a child who is so mean to you? Im afraid to take him into public. How do you discipline a child who dont care about anything? I mean NOTHING!! Im not joking - I took his DS away yesterday and he just asked me for it and I asked him why he didnt have it. And he told me why then I said thats why ur not getting it and he started to say laa laa im not lisening - and started to call me cuss words. Like no matter what is going on he cant stop doing it!! Is he board? No kids to play with around here - I hate school being out!?!?! Any more Im just crying. I have the most defiant child who dont care about anything!!im so sorry mama.
im new here and dd has recently been dx'd so i cant offer much actual help ;)
but i did want to offer you big hugs! when dd was 5 i remember her beating the crap outta me so bad in front of a nature center at a park that she threw my back out and then took off. not that thats anywhere near what your describing, but i remember thinking alot of what you just descirbed.
have u spoken to the doc about all this? im not sure where your at with things, but if my child was acting the way your describing,i would immediately take him in to a psychiatrist.
hugs!
ya im hoping something gives before i do Did your ds act like this before giving him the Folican? I'm just wondering since some children who take stimulants act like what you r discribing. Make an appointment with the doctor ASAP. My son acted something like that but not as bad and I feel for you. Let us know what you find out.Oh my mix up!! I took his DS as Nintendo DS!! So sorry you are having such a hard time. Your son must be feeling awful to have such anger and frustration.
I'm no expert on this type of situation, but here are some thoughts:
. Keep talking to the doctor; see a specialist, if you're not already, who can help you find a medication and dosage that works.
. If you're trying alternatives, I don't personally believe in homeopathy, but there are some nutritional supplements that I do believe are helpful. Check out the alternatives forum and do a lot of reading and research and stick with something if it makes sense; don't expect it to work instantly and then give up.
. I believe that positive reinforcements are much more effective than punishments for everyone and particularly for those with ADHD. Have you looked at the "Marble System" thread (tacked toward the top of this page)? I highly recommend taking a look at this positive reinforcement system and the many variations and trying it out.
. Work on one or two issues at a time. Pick the problem that is bothering you the most (hitting? swearing?) and give tons of positive reinforcement for every time period (one hour? two-three hours?) that he DOESN'T hit or swear.
. When a child has uncontrolled ADHD they act on impulse without thought to the consequence (such as having nintendo DS taken away).
. Remember that you are the adult and he is the child; try not to let him push your buttons and get you too emotionally involved or reacting at his level. He needs you to be the level-headed adult who can quietly and calmly say, "WE don't hit, WE don't swear, etc."
. If it's too hard to take him out in public, shopping etc., don't.
. Having a very structured day seems to work well for many kids with ADHD.
. Try to find something positive that you and he enjoy doing together, whether it's throwing a ball around, swimming, bike ride, play-dough, a card game, anything!
I know it's not easy, but things will get better. One day at a time, one step at a time. Best of luck!
Thank you so much I will try some of these out I agree with inspiredbymusic. Work on one behavior at a time, positive reinforcement and avoid triggers. Not engaging in the midst of a tantrum is also key.
My daughter used to have terrible temper issues. She has 12 and has greatly improved with behavioral interventions along with finding the right medications at the right dosage. Hang in there, it does get better.
Ya it does sound like poison lol. Ya its hard. I dont think he is on the right meds anymore. The Folican isnt doing the trick anymore.
Do you have summer holidays right now? Are you at home with him through the day? That might have something to do with how bad it is at the moment, or is it always like this?
I am at home at the moment with my lovely lad in the summer hols and sadly tonight said, feeling guilty, it is easier to live without him. Isnt that horrible.
I think you are being very strong and it is great that you can be so honest, it helped me to be hones.
Remember it isnt him it is the behaviur /what he is doing that you hate. It helped me believe and remember that I do love him, I just hate the behaviour.
Try to feel good about yourself, you havent failed and he isnt evil, this is a very difficult thing to deal with for both him and you. Without any meds, training or anything else you are doing well - believe it or not! You have found this site!
How old is he?
The most helpful thing for me was just listening to other mums and dads of other ADHD children - it was breathtaking and awesome to hear other people say things, describe everyday scenes from there lives which happen in my life. It was absolutely amazing to hear those parents.
Remember - you are not alone!!!!!!
Have just read about what he is taking on the other board. I hope you have found another psychiatrist already. That sounds like poison!!!!
You poor things all of you, it sounds terrible.
Thank you! We are going to go to behavioral counseling. I only pray that can make a differencethis is from a NTer
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The first thing I've learned, and the most important, is to stay calm. I count, I think of something else, I take deep breaths, I focus on the other child to find something to be thankful for, and I tell myself that I can't let her see me upset. If there's anything that a kid in a tantrum wants to see from a parent, it's for that parent to get upset. When we get upset, the kid wins. That kid has just completely disrupted our day and made us suffer for whatever the child is upset about.
Step 2
The second thing I learned is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Make sure the child is safe, is not going anywhere, and will not break or damage anything. Then, let him or her cry it out. Talking, pleading, bargaining, and yelling all just make the situation worse. With a young child, one who doesn't understand yet that they can't always have their way, these behaviors just remind him or her of what it is that isn't "okay". Left to their own, young children will quickly calm down and forget about the problem. For older children, those who can understand "no" and have learned to push our buttons, pleading, bargaining, and other techniques will just give the child power to negotiate for something else. Ask yourself, if your child is doing something that is not acceptable, are you going to give him or her a reward? Of course not! So why allow a child who is tantruming over food or toys in the store negotiate to get something else instead? This just teaches the child that tantrums are effective. After all, isn't it better to get something, even if it isn't want you want, rather than nothing at all? By ignoring a child, you teach him or her that tantrums don't solve problems. Wait it out, and then move on.
Step 3
Don't make promises you can't keep. It's easy, when staring at a screaming child, to say "when we get home, you're going to bed" or something similar. The reality, though, is that this doesn't work. Unless you are right around the corner from home, by the time you get there the child will have completely forgotten about the incident. Early bedtime, grounding, or losing a toy at that point will just start another tantrum. Also consider, is it something you can really do? Can you really go home and not go out again for the day? Can you really expect to deal with a cranky child who is stuck in his or her room all day? Instead, try talking it out. When your child has calmed down, talk about it. Say something like, "I know you're upset. I can see that from the way you were kicking and screaming and crying. The fact is, we're not getting this, and crying and screaming only makes you feel tired and yucky. Next time, if you really want it, ask nicely. If I say no, ask how you could earn it, or if you can get it later. That way I'll know you really want it, and you and I can talk about it calmly. I listen much better when you're being nice and using polite words than when you are screaming at me." I know, this sounds cheesy, but it works! Kids want to be noticed, and they want to be part of making decisions. If you give them a chance to talk about the decision, you are forming a team, and your kids will accept this and appreciate it. Even my daughter has learned that we can talk about it and that when I say "We'll get it later," it really does mean we'll get it later.
Step 4
Learn to laugh. When all else fails, I sit down next to my daughter and let myself laugh at how absolutely ridiculous we both must look to everyone around us. This is a stress reliever
for me, gives my back and feet a break as I'm waiting for her to calm down, and puts me in easy reach if she should try to take off. Sure, people stare at me, but hey, they've already been staring at my daughter, so who cares? Plus, seeing me sitting there laughing and waiting for my daughter to calm down usually gives other people a good laugh, and we all know we can use that! Learning to laugh rather than getting upset or cry teaches kids a couple of things. The first is that no one has the power to ruin my day. The second is that I'm always there for her. Hopefully, some day she will keep these things in mind in regard to peer pressure and other teenage and adult things.
When my son was first diagnosed with adhd ( about a year and a half ago) focalin is teh first med he was put on. At first it worked great and gave him the focus he needed...then it made him angry and defiant--and while we never went through what you are going through--we would go through long anger outbursts that he couldn't be reasoned with or talked to...
We changed meds--and are now on our 5th adhd med with a sleeping med to help him fall asleep at night. Some made him not sleep, some made him cry all the time--one did almost nothing. He's on vyvanse now--and it helps alot. he's not as emotional, he's focused, but he's still a little boy with lots of energy who plays and has fun. The clonidine helps him fall asleep at night and we will probably end up with a booster in the afternoon to get through homework--but this med works great for us. It was a long time coming--and different meds work better with other kids...
I didn't have a good support sytsem--didn't like his psych, or his therapist much..and we have changed and are doing better. He's also started OT for sensory processing disorder...which causes some adhd like behaviors and some of our outbursts...behaviors that can seem somewhat autistic like--yet he's extremely bright and social---he's been tested and is not on the spectrum. He has some social issues but general lots of fun to be around--at least one on one. He does get angry sometimes...but it's normal anger--and we are working with how he deals with his emotions.
Good luck, feel free to vent or pm me if you need an ear. A few weeks ago I was ready to pull my hair out--he was climbing the walls, emotional, and not sleeping...now that we have some therapies in place and a med that works for him it's going better. There is hope and you will find the son you know and love again.
hugs
Vicky
Wow! You sound just like me and my situation. We did several things: First, ignore works great. But you really have to ignore, and start when they are young. No matter what, ignore the behavior. Second, take things away. All games, computer, TV, all toys. Really take them away. Don't give them back unless behavior improves. Period. When it dawns on the child that they are sitting in an empty room, with no toys, no games, and no access to TV at all, their attitudes change. [QUOTE=annieb393] Second, take things away. All games, computer, TV, all toys. Really take them away. Don't give them back unless behavior improves. Period. When it dawns on the child that they are sitting in an empty room, with no toys, no games, and no access to TV at all, their attitudes change. [/QUOTE]This along with a weekend in her room made a huge impact on my daughter's behavior. More than not having her stuff, she hated not being around the rest of the family.
Her terrible behavior is what lead to our initial referral and evaluation and it stabilized when we started her on medication. About a year later she started to go down hill again. We started behavioral interventions and also looked at her medication. She needed an increase in dosage. Between the two, she was on the right track again.
Talk to the doctor. Maybe his med's aren't working any more or he needs something different.
HorseMom40041.4786805556
I am so sorry for your situation, and I can soooooo relate!
My ds is now 23 and I am raising his son, who is also ADHD - I don't need a diagnosis...lol.
Not to sound like the negative voice here, I DO hope it is the meds, and it very well could be! Hoping that it is!!
But it never got better with my son. The only help we ever had was the ritalin, which worked wonderful for him, but as soon as he got old enuf to hide it, he refused to take it. That was about 14.
My son is still all of the things you describe above. He is recently divorced due to his anger and violence and also just due to the very poor choices he makes which add to the problems he experiences. He can't hold down a job and he suffers terribly, but STILL he refuses to take meds.
I'm not sure HOW I managed all those years, I know it was living hell for me, but underneath we DO still love them and need to let them KNOW that. To this day my son says he KNOWS I love him and did my best by him. Although he still complains about me and still treats me as you describe above.
Amazingly, he does not treat his father (who was pretty much non-existant during his growing up years preferring to spend his time locked in his bedroom with his computer rather than with his family) the same way. He does not have the fits of temper and the hitting, etc. with him. Go figure. I sure don't understand it.
Wishing you the best with your situation - just want to know that you CAN live through it and hopefully you will find some relief!
mommy2david,
I read your note on your signature that your son has developed the adhd due to lead poisoning. Does that change the treatment versus those that have inherited it due to genetic reasons?
Just wondering and if that could be causing any of what is going on now?
thank you!!
You would think it would change treatment. I guess it dont because his doc knows well that he had it. OMG! I never thought that this could be caused by the meds!! But I believe your right!!