New here with problem

Hi there, My name is Melissa and my 8 yr old daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADHD of the combined type. We havent started medication yet but an appt is comming up to discuss it.

Our biggest problem to me seems to be my husband. Since the diagnosis he has been on her 24/7. He seems to think that yelling at her will somehow cure the problem. He won't go to therapy or read any of the literature on ADHD. When she goes into a spell instead of calmly trying to deal with it he begins his yelling which always leads to her in tears. It's tearing our whole family apart. I am almost to the point of taking the kids and leaving because I know what he is doing to her is making everything worse. He is just so insensitive! He can't understand that she can't control her impulses. We also have a 6 yr old that does not have adhd and she can do no wrong in his mind.

Has anyone here ever went through this with their husbands? Have you found a solution.

Hi Melissa. You could have been writing about me when I was a kid. My parents didn't yell at me but would lecture me to no end (or until I started crying and my mother would say in exasperation "she's just a blubbering mess and not listening anyway"). Needless to say, the lectures didn't help. Just like yelling doesn't help. I ended up being a mess during my teens. Self-esteem was shot, self-respect didn't exist and I had lots of problems. I went 35 years with untreated ADHD. I did take medication for three years as a kid. Now, I'm on that same medication and it does make a difference.

Is your husband receptive to your daughter taking the medication? If so, can you have the doctor talk to him? Does your husband see how the situation hasn't improved? And that perhaps there needs to be a different way to handle it? Maybe talk to some of his family and see if they can persuade him to approach things differently?

Good luck to you.

I wonder if your husband sees himself in his daughter and is trying to "cure" her

Are you going to try medication? Your daughter has NO control over what is happening. My son also has combined. Until we medicated, life was not good.

We are so much happier and successful with medication in "our" life!

You need to talk to your husband. ADHD is genetic. She was born with it from either your huband or your genes, or both. And your younger child may have innattentive adhd that hasn't come out strong yet. the younger child doesn't stand out because the older one is hyper and impulsive ( my son is as well)

Please come here for any support that we may offer.

Your husband is not going to "yell" adhd out of her. He needs to start feeling compassionate to what was given to her by the genes!

Please let us know if we can help. And, not to sound like a med pusher, BUT it will changer your families life!! Please post any questions!! And give your daughter a great big hug from me!!

Actually we start her on adderall today. Hopefully it will help. Thanks for all your insight. My husband does realize that he might have had some learning disabilities growing up. I think I might have got through to him a little yesterday so I hope he is beginning to realize that yelling at her is like yelling at a brick wall.

Before my son was medicated NOTHING worked as far as discipline. Many times my husband and I ended up yelling at him because we were just so tired of it all and frustrated because nothing got through to him. The yelling never worked and his self-esteem stared to suffer-not just because of the yelling but also because he felt he could never do anything right. And really, at the time it was true. He couldn't do much right at all! Poor little guy!

Once we got the medication right his whole world changed. All of a sudden he learns from discipline! He actually learns lessons from getting in trouble and is able to change his behavior in the future. I'm not saying that he never gets in trouble anymore, but he is more like a "normal" kids now. I have a feeling that once your husband understands that she REALLY can't control her behavior he will change his attitude. Nothing will prove this more than when you see the meds working properly. Then you'll say "Wow! She really wasn't in control all of those times!"

Good luck! We're here for you! I know it's a tough time but it will get better!

How did it go with your husband and your daughter yesterday/last night? I hope he starts to think before speaking. I think we need to do that with our adhd'ers. They simply have no control and can't help it. As they get older they do try more and it gets easier. But we parents have to do a lot of reminding and have a lot of patience with our little ones, sometimes our big ones ( dh in my case

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