Birthday Parties | ADHD Information

Except for his close friend my son hasn't been invited to a birthday party in years.  From my experiences it's not the children it's the parents so if that's what they choose to teach their children than bless them.Ditto for us, years and years. DS is now 12, how old is your son boogadoo??He's 10.  This whole thing makes me crazy.  I don't remember bring cruel to children that had issues when I was a child.

I think it totally s***ks for them. Honestly. They are obviously left out and know it. It is cruel.

We got through it, I actually didn't even hear much about parties in 5th grade when he was 10. Now he is beyond it.

But it still stinks. If there is a party that our kids our left out of and know about it, try to give them a special day doing fun and special things. It helps them a lot, I think.

I think the parties have stopped now but luckily he didn't care much when he was younger.  He has a few close friends that he plays with all the time and that's all he really wants to do anyway.  He's a pretty tough kid and sticks up for himself.  I don't necessarily like the fact that he can have a nasty mouth but I view it as an asset at times.I have had this happen so many times to my oldest daughter that when my youngest daughter has parties, we invite everyone in the class.  I would hate to have one child go through that hurt they feel when everyone else is invited but them and then the kids all talk about it in school. 

I'd tell them the same thing you'd tell them if they didn't have ADHD. Granted, it's never easy to explain things like this to kids. My heart aches just thinking about how awful it feels to be excluded like that.

Think of it this way, they'll be excluded from something for some reason at some point in their lives. Even if the reason for the exclusion is ADHD, you don't have to make a big deal about that part to your kids. You can't change the past and you can't force people to accept your kids, but you can teach your kids how to work through this kind of thing.

Give them both big hugs for us... 

I think you did the right thing.  We have had this happen too, but after I thought about it for a while, I realized this. If Will was invited, I would sit and worry about what he was doing or worry if he was even having fun.  This way, he's always home and I always know what's going on.  He never really seems to mind because he's not comfortable in crowds to begin with..
This is the story of my 8 year olds life.  I agree that it is a very heart wrenching situation.  I also agree  that if he was invited that I  would be worrying if he was acting up and ultimately if he isn't there, parents aren't able to judge him or blame him!  It is tough to talk to him about why he wasn't invited, he can be so sad about it!  I just figure the best we can do is let him know how much we love him and what a great kid he is and hope that he realizes it too!

That is right imcbmcc! I think this can make our kids stronger and perserve. They all do find their way and succeed. I think it makes them more compassionate to others in their adulthood due to what happened in their childhood, which isn't such a bad thing. The world could use some more compassion in it!

I as the parent of two boys with ADHD (which is managed pretty well) they both recently have been excluded from which I thought were good friends, birthday parties.  One mom which I thought I was friends with totally lied and said that they would wait till the following weekend to to something with her son, Jacob and my oldest.  Then to find out that they had a "tailgating football party" and he didn't meet the coolnest factor I guess.  To me that really isn't a true friend.  Maybe that parents can't stand my son but WOW was my son hurt.  What do you tell him?  And do I let him go when and if they decide to go to the so called movie for Jacob's birthday???  My other son who has many more problems but can truely behave wasn't invited to one of his best buddies party.  The child, Levi, asked his mom if my son could come and told him "NO".  I don't understand.  This past summer we were good enough to give Levi rides to baseball games and watch him if needed but now......I feel hurt myself and really breaks my heart for my kids.  They didn't ask to be born with ADHD and they really have coped well with not being invited.  But what do you tell them when this happens again, cause it will??  If I were in your shoes, I would call the parents and ask them why my child wasn't invited.  Put it back in their lap. This also portrays to your child that you, nor them, will put up with unacceptable behavior.  I think these other parents are wimps for not being straight-forward with you and they need to be put in their place.  I wouldn't want my child to be friends with someone who has wimpy, chicken-sh** parents.

Kids often don't understand and it's hard for us parents to explain it in simple terms and much less harder to heal hurt feelings.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to tell the child "some friends are better than others and in life you'll have all sorts of choices to make.  now is a time you need to make a choice whether to continue being their friend or not.  I will support you in whatever decision you make."  This gives the child a sense of making their own choice so that they feel good about it but also knowing that their parent is there to support them.

Good luck.  Keep us posted.
My best friend's sister(i lived with them for awhile so we're all really close) has a son  the same age as my son and we always refer to them as cousins, stopped inviting him to birthday parties a few years ago, her son is advanced, while mine is behind(he has a developmental delay).  It upset me at first, but then I decided one less Birthday present to buy :) We do a special just us day when he is left out and he get to pick so he likes it better anyway!!

You know what is so sad about this birthday "stuff", is that it goes on ALL THE TIME! I know we went through it with my son, the one with adhd. All of it. BUT, I also wonder if non-adhd'ers also go through it.

Our kids are so targeted that this is just one of many exclusions that us parents have to deal with with our children.

I blame the parents, who should know better, and teach their children compassion. Shame on them.   Unfortunately, their children learn from them.

My son was excluded from his best friends party, and the mother was a total nut. She rsvp'd verbally to me and then denied it to our party!  She did NOT invite my son, who found out because all the other boys were invited and talked about it at recess. My poor son asked his best friend why he wasn't invited and the other boy said because there was no room for him.

This mother thought my adhd son was a problem. Even though her son, I swear adhd also, destroyed the boys bathroom with four others. Mine wasn't involved!!

Needless to say, she took both her sons, who both got into lots of trouble, and ran away to "find god" as one of the son's told my daughter. This mother is like all the other mothers that we deal with, the ones that think "NOT MY KID" and blame ours!!

Long story short, the children came back into the school system, and still have "issues" - my son's former "best" friend is now hanging out with total trouble makers. So not much has changed in their life but I am sure they are blaming others for their own children's actions.

Mine on the other hand is an honor student, well like by teachers, not a social butterfly, but good all around kid.

Hang in there. I wish I could offer a solution, but I cannot. Please take comfort in knowing you are sooooooo not alone!!

Yes, I think these kind of things happen to non-ADHD kids too. It is very hurtful when we think our kids are excluded, but I guess I try to look at it like this: People are free to invite and not invite whoever they want to birthday parties. No one should feel that anyone is obligated to invite them to their party, even if they think it is their best friend. Sometimes there are number limitations for certain types of activities. Sometimes parents are more comfortable with a smaller group or may feel that their kids will do better with just a small group, and there may be issues about who gets along with who amongst a child's friends. It would be nice if, when this happens, it weren't made obvious to the child who was not invited, but that can be hard when people live close by, see each other frequently, and kids talk.
busy104, I would TRY not to make too big a deal of it, and I would absolutely let your son go to the movie with the other boy so they can have their own little party.
It's hard though. My daughter wasn't invited to her "best friend's" party the last two years either, and it's not because of behavior issues because my daughter has inattentive type and isn't hyperactive or impulsive. Long story, but anyway I DO understand how hurtful it is, and I TRY to take the high road, but it isn't easy.
Thanks for the input.  I work at the school and knows this happens to the non-adhd kids.  I didn't make a big deal out of it and said an excuse for the parents and my children seem to be good with the answers but it is just so frustrating and hurtful and no one wants to see their child getting hurt.