Hi
I have been wondering about my 10 1/2-year-old daughter.
She is very bright and has never been officially
identified as ADD/ADHD.
There are a few things that I have noticed about her that
make me wonder if she may be ADHD. It does not
"officially" run in my family. I have never had a Dx of
ADHD myself, but have recently been in a major depression
and was told by one psychologist that I may have ADHD
underlying the depression.
About dd, I notice that she acts more immature than other
girls her age.
Some background:
re:home---She is extremely disorganized. Her room is like
a typhoon hit. I've tried to model cleanliness and help
her organize, to no avail. She still collects webkinz,
plays with her stuffed animals excessively, makes make-
believe structures out of random toy pieces, and prefers
play over structured sports or activites. She does pick
out her clothes, but doesn't groom unless I keep at her.
re: sibling--She has a 8-y-o brother whom she bickers
with a lot and then cries to me because he's annoying.
She has not learned how to be the "older sister". She
does not try to protect him and would rather tease him,
maybe to feel powerful. She gets equal "alone" time with
me.
re: school. She is one of the oldest in the class as she
has a winter birthday. She was an early reader and loves
to read (reads 700 page books no prob). She hates to
write---both handwriting and content. Looking at some of
her work, I've noticed that she writes about silly
things, with made up words sometimes. She says she "hates
math" although placed in highest level. She does not take
pride in school--she puts in the minimum effort. She has
verbalized that she doesn't care if she fails. She had 1
C and 2Bs and 2 A/A-s last semester.
re:activities--She does not follow through with
activities. For instance, she begged me for harp lessons
for a few years. So we rented for 1 year, then bought
one. Big expense!! She has since given up, no interest
whatsoever. she takes violin in school orchestra but does
not have a keen interest in that either.
My dd acts goofy, esp when in good mood. At a recent girl
scout activity, she was so happy to be there and was
jumping up and down to read ("ooh ooh ooh") but the mom
did not choose her and glared at me as if to say "Control
your child".
When she was in 1st grade, the speech teacher asked me if
she had tourette's because she used to meow like a cat.
It was cute then, and she got friends because they
thought so too. she has since given that up, thankfully!
I also notice when asked to be polite to an adult, she
will clam up, won't look them in the eye, will not shake
their hand.
My husband thinks I'm overly negative, which I am, so I
don't know if my thinking is clouding things. Today she
was crying because she notices the other girls in school
do not seem to want to sit with her and she heard some
girls laughing, she thinks at her. We also moved to a
new state 1 year ago, and she only made 1 friend last
year, who has since left the school. She now has no close
friend.
Any thoughts?
This may sound harsh but what's wrong with letting a 10 year old be a 10 year old? My 21 year old still calls me "mommy" at times. It seems like you may be too eager for her to grow up. She'll live the rest of her live grown up - let her be a kid for a while. It's not her job to protect her younger brother and sibling tension is normal. Yes, she should have responsibilities such as keeping her room tidy but also keep in mind that she's still a kid and kids sometimes need lots of reminders. (Some adults need lots of reminders and rooms still don't get tidy!) She may hate writing and math because they may not be challenging enough for her. Have you had her IQ tested? She may be academically ahead of other children her age. (which is not typical of most kids with ADHD) I remember when I was that age. I wanted so badly to play the organ like my older siblings but I wouldn't practice and hence, I didn't improve. Quickly gave it up after a couple years, i think. Lots of kids bounce from interests to activities until they find the one they're passionate about. I'm still trying to find my passion.
Your daughter may be rebelling at your requests to be polite. It could be more of a power struggle. The whole peer issues are just starting at this age. Brace yourself for more to come in middle school. She'll make friends at her own pace. You can't force people to be friends with her. The other girls' laughing could have had nothing to do with your daughter. Kids are very self-centered and think the world revolves around them. It's our job as parents to help them see that this is not the case. Middle school was pure hell for me. I was bullied, teased and singled out as one of the "pits people". And this was in the 1970s. Torment has gotten worse these days.
I'm not a doctor but you say you don't have a history of ADHD. It could be that your daughter exhibits some immaturity but within normal ranges. Based on what you have shared, ADHD symptoms didn't scream at me. However, I know you are concerned about her and I would suggest talking to her pediatrician. They are a good place to start to determine what's going on with your daughter. Child psychologists are the best professionals to assess for ADHD.
Good luck to you and know that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be honest in my observations.
Thanks for replying. I see your point and she may well
fall in the range of typical kids her age, just on the
more immature side of the spectrum. I see a lot of her
in me when I was that age, which I don't particularly
consider a good thing, since I was immature, extremely
shy with adults, did not want to grow up, had difficulty
with friends. Again, being in a depression clouds the
air a lot so it is difficult for me to have a positive
outlook. I have taken her to a psych before because she
was refusing to go to school due to stomach aches, but we
just thought it was because it was due to our moving
across the country. We then found out she suffers from
Crohn's disease. So that complicates matters. In NJ,
none of these immaturity issues came up. Maybe I just
notice it now because the girls in California seem more
mature than the ones in NJ?????At the risk of offending someone, I think the girls in CA could be more materialistic because of Hollywood and fame. Some of that perceived social maturity can be mistaken for lack of self-esteem. I think people in general will put on a front of being something they aren't when they are insecure. I hope that your daughter isn't this way and it doesn't appear to be.
I wasn't shy with adults but rather quite obnoxious and loud. My mother would always tell me to be quiet. I was immature. I played with Barbie dolls until 8th grade. Then my mother told me I was too old to play with them. :( I have never wanted to grow up but I am more mature, more self-confident, more responsible now than I ever have been. Sure, I get sad a lot because I miss the spontaneity and spunk I once had. I could have it in a minute but people would think I'm immature. While on one hand I don't care what people think, on the other hand, I have always wanted to fit in so I finally figured out how to conform.
good luck with your daughter. She's fortunate to have a mother who cares enough to explore what she can do to make life better for her. :)
Thanks for your insight. I will hope that she becomes more
self-confident with age. It never really happened to me
unfortunately, but I will do my best to ensure that she has
my emotional support.
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