i was in exactly the same situation when my son was 8 - he was playing with 2 his little buddies on the street and an older kid joined in with them (he was probably around 11), the 2 other kids started beign mean to my son following the lead of the older kid. my son came home and i asked why he was no longer playing - he said that the 3 of them are now taunting him and so he left - right thing to do. i went and found the other kids (his 2 buddies) and talked to their mom - who i knew very well - they appologized to my son and it was OK. as for the older boy i went to his house (i didnt know the parents) but he answered teh door and i told him that he owed my son an appology for acting badly - he subsequently appologized to my son. about one hour later the father showed up on my doorstep and proceeded to tell me that i had no right talking to his son etc etc. i told him that i came with the intent to talk to either him or the mother but the son indicated that neither was home so i spoke with him directly. the father became irate and basically i told him that if his son was raised correctly we wouldnt be in this situation - and what the hell is an 11 year old boy doing hanging around with 8 year old kids - he should find friends his own age and stay away from my son. the father took his son by the arm and left - i think he never had a female talk to him like that in his life before (apparently the wife is controlled by him and rarely speaks or comes out of the house).
i have always stepped in teh middle of fights between my son and kids on the street who were not treating him right - i always explained to my son that no one had the right to treat him badly and he should not take crap from anyone - and that there were always better ways of dealing with bullying or crap from kids than using his fists or bad words - that is afterall what we mothers and fathers are for.
STAND UP FOR YOUR KIDS - dont let some poorly raised delinquents treat your son badly - obviously these particuarl kids are being raised in a home of very little respect so my opinion is to avoid your son playing with them - there are always alternatives - most streets have bad apples - and our plan was to just not deal with them - they were not allowed in our yard and vice versa - eventually most kids figure out who to play with and who is a jerk and they dont play with them.
Good luck!
It is very difficult for children to handle bullies on their own. I believe itok, I try not to baby my son and when he comes home and complains to me about things kids do to him, I tell him to handle it. Well, there are 2 brothers that live across the street from us and my son came home very upset. The boys were on a trampoline and my son was waiting his turn. When he asked for his turn, the one boy actually backed up to the net, bend over and....you guessed it, passed gas right in my sons face!!!
These boys have been seen by me hitting their mother and being unruly. I was furious when I heard what they had done and I walked across the street, went into the backyard and confronted the boys who after much stammering, admitted they did it but said it was an accident. I made them apologize and then asked the boys if I needed to talk to their father, they said no. They didnt want me to. I told them that there were some acceptable things and some things unacceptable and that was something that would not be tolerated.
I wet home and a few hours later, my door bell rang and it was the father of the boys who proceeded to tell me that I had no right to talk to the boys and go into his back yard. He said neither of us was there and we should leave it between the boys. He said I should have spoken to him. I informed him that I was going to speak to him but his son asked me not to and I find it very interesting that his son came to him after he asked me not to but that I would not allow his son to do things like that to my son. He left.
Hubby said that I should not have spoken to the boys but I feel that since these children run around with no real guidance, that I should have spoken up. Interesting side note, these children hit their mother and dont listen to her at all and when I spoke to her about it, she told me that she didnt have the "authority" to control the boys. Was I out of line?
depends.
what they did was nasty. and some boys do that constatanly .
boys dont cry and girls dont fart.
but they do.
i always took it as an IQ factor have to resort to a smelly defense.
i watched discovery channel an learned that smell is also a dominance thing .
it would be weird to say all mamals do it but not humans.-
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depends on the rapore you have with the nieghbors .
once you get over ruled by thier parent they will defy you from then on.
plus the teasing of having to have youre mom fight youre battles for you .
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so
i too believe in turn based activities and i have the big yard where a house used to be.
so kids come over and do all kinds of stuff.
im constantly making the go home.
the GOOD thing is i still practice CBT
when i have no confidence in the other parents doing the right thing
i dont bring them into it. one parent did get miffed at at i processed with thier child in my yard, so i asked a child witness to explain what happened.
the parent kept interupting and spun the info to make thier child seem innocent and me out of line .
responded by asking him to supervise thier child in my yard from now on.
then he started insulting me and even threatened me.
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its the bully factor
bullies become isolated cause no one wants to play with them and they start to do things to get attention .
rather than escalate the situation i just let pass.
the kid wants to play in the yard with the others kids but how can i .
he lied once and the parent believed it.
whats next because with kids theres always a next.
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but when it come to events at other peoples houses. i just try to listen and advise and sometimes go ask he other parent what happened but when its obvious that there was no supervision . then i find other playmates but i dont burn my childs bridges.
the kids may forget all about the bat incedent and how his dad behaved. a wonder why im holding a grudge.
well what i m doing is watching the kids to see how far they are taking things.
if theyre still being manipulitive, threatening, violent, or acting with complete dis respect then
NO
YOU CANT PLAY HERE.
but i also wont the group of kids play and make him sit out .
i just dont let anyone play.
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ok maybe i sound controlling but the kids on my street are difficult.
i live between two gangs. thier families escalate to the point of shooting at eachother fom time to time
the adults carry knives and addicts and walkers itemidate my elderly nieghbors for as often as they can get away with it.
so im tring to be a positive influence on the nieghborhood kids.
exculding him way beyond the bat incedent i have less influence.
so i have time out rules at house and in the yard. the kids know if they fight i will say or do something
with that most of the parents let thier kids play in my yard cause there is usually supervision.
and i dont let my kids play where there isnt supervision or where the adults are vulgar or a negative influence.
if the kids see that dad is beast and is looked up for it . then all the rest of the boys look up to it too. like a leader of the pack.
but i try to teach "sportsmanship" fair play . i feel like a patch of grass in a field of weeds. but kids are kids and they learn what they see.
hopefully my dd sees that being irrate amounts to nothing
simple talking about underlying feelings and 'what to do differently'
keep her on the right track.
its ok to get mad but not ok to stay that way. take a break . sit one out , calm down . think clearly . decide what to do next time you feel that way
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so i think youre boy was right
he was dis respected and instead sticking around he left.
he came to you to process his feelings.
from there it just depends.
i personally would of let it go cause the im trying to keeping them from brawling .
but i can understand your point of view . here wasnt anyone supervising so you gave the adult response.
that part isnt incorrect
but the fact that you HAD to be the supervising adult was what the issue was to me.
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futher im constantly trying to teach patience
one game i play with the kids is RAG BAG.
when i see them getting jumpy and snatching things from eachother. i go get this old bean bag chihuahua the boys love to get there hands on it and i use a one minute timer.
i throw it where the kids are at in the yard and they all pile on it.if a kid throws back to me i throw her a piece of candy.
so i teach the little kids to stand on the outside
I say be patient youll get a piece of candy but you dont have jump in the pile.
before long the big kids are tired and hell bent on being the winners.
but i throwthe bag right to the little kids. patience is rewarded with sugar.
then i say did everybody get a piece .
and the kids stop and sometimes i throw candy to them and sometimes i just toss a hanful up in the air into the grass and theygo crazy .
play is play and my stuctured play isnt what the kidswould do.
so i keep an eye out for when to redirect then to something different
and thats when i get out the book of structured activities. its easy to spot the outsider kids or newcomers the think everything is immediate and they want to keep it to themselves.
so ive been teaching that everyone having a chance to have a turn is better than hurt feelings and drama which takes up alot of everyones playtime.