Spouse Having a Hard Time Dealing | ADHD Information
I wouldn't like how he held those little hands either!! 
Did it hurt your son? Do you think he has done this when you haven't been around or caught him? I know my personality and I would start keeping a good eye on things, at least until I know for sure.
Would your son ever tell you? He needs to. You may want to have a "chat" with your son. I know the speech delay is very hard. AND if he has receptive delays, he doesn't understand things. Poor thing.
Stay on your husband. Mine ALWAYS feels guilty, always. Mine reacts and then thinks. He always apologizes because the guilt kicks in. Always.
Your husband cannot take his anger, frustration, depression out on your child. Is it really your son that is even upsetting your husband or is he upset over somethign else and takes it out him??
Would you ever have him talk to a professional? I just worry as your son gets older, what else will he do??
You have to nip this in the butt NOW. I also think YOU know this. That is why you are here talking about it, You know what you need to do, You know your husband best.
Do you not trust him alone with your son? Do you think he is frustrated with your son's medical situation, speech, pdd, adhd?
Has he always picked on your son? Or is this new?
[QUOTE=BETHANN]
I wouldn't like how he held those little hands
either!! 
Did it hurt your son? NO IT DID NOT HURT HIM, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE
HE WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED.
Do you think he has done this when you haven't been around or caught
him? I THINK HE HAS DONE IT BEFORE. IT SEEMS LIKE HE WOULD HAVE.
I know my personality and I would start keeping a good eye on things,
at least until I know for sure.
Would your son ever tell you?MY SON PROBABLY WOULD NOT AS HIS
SHORT TERM MEMORY IS LACKING. HE NEEDS PROMPTING TO ANSWER
QUESTIONS, AND THEN MAY ONLY TELL YOU WHAT HE THINKS HE IS
SUPPOSED TO SAY.
He needs to. You may want to have a "chat" with your son. I HAD A CHAT
WITH HIM YESTERDAY AFTER SCHOOL AND HE SAID HE DID NOT LIKE IT
WHEN PAPPA YELLS AND SAYS -- I SAID STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW!!-
I know the speech delay is very hard. WITHOUT A DOUBT.
AND if he has receptive delays, he doesn't understand things. Poor thing.
AND OUT. AND HE STILL WILL ASK AGAIN WHAT WE MEAN, OR WHAT DO
WE WANT HIM TO DO. SIGH...
Stay on your husband. Mine ALWAYS feels guilty, always. Mine reacts
and then thinks. He always apologizes because the guilt kicks in. Always.
AND HE HATES TO ADMIT WHEN HE'S WRONG, AND HATES TO BE TOLD
THAT HE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
Your husband cannot take his anger, frustration, depression out on
your child. Is it really your son that is even upsetting your husband or is
he upset over somethign else and takes it out him??
HAVE MENTIONED THAT HE IS HAVING A HARD TIME AT WORK, FOR A
VERY LONG TIME. HE HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB. HE IS
OVERWORKED AND THE COMPANY WILL NOT HIRE NEW PEOPLE.
Would you ever have him talk to a professional? YEAH RIGHT.
I just worry as your son gets older, what else will he do??
HIM ABOUT THAT LATE LAST NIGHT. MY SON AND HE JUST BUTT HEADS
QUITE OFTEN- MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. BOTH STRONG WILLED AND
WANT TO BE THE ONE WITH THE FINAL WORD.
You have to nip this in the butt NOW. I also think YOU know this. That
is why you are here talking about it, You know what you need to do, You
know your husband best.
ON THESE BOARDS GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO JUST LET IT OUT AND
SPEAK MY MIND. I DID THIS LAST NIGHT. I HAD 30 MINUTES OF
UNINTERRUPTED TALK TIME. IT WAS WONDERFUL. HE DID NOT EVEN
ARGUE WITH ME. I BELIEVE HE KNEW IT WAS ALL THE SAD TRUTH, AND I
SAID A LOT OF THINGS THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO HEAR. I HAD TO
IMPART TOUGH LOVE.
Do you not trust him alone with your son? I TRUST HIM. HE IS A GOOD
PERSON. Do you think he is frustrated with your son's medical situation,
speech, pdd, adhd?
HIM TO "GET OVER IT" CAUSE THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE AND HE HAD
BETTER COME TO TERMS WITH IT AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR THE SON
THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA HAVE, AND ENJOY EVERY
MOMENT WITH THE SON YOU DO HAVE. I TOLD HIM I WANTED US TO BE
UNITED AS A FAMILY, AND NOT ME AND SON AGAINST HIM. THIS IS NOT
HOW I HAD ENVISIONED IT WOULD BE, AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT! I
TOLD HIM HE NEEDS TO TRY HARDER AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES. I
TOLD HIM THAT I DON'T THINK HE WOULD KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
OUR SON IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO ME, AND THAT I WANTED
HIM TO BE MORE INVOLVED IN EVERY ASPECT OF OUR KID'S LIFE. AMONG
OTHER THINGS TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION- BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.
Has he always picked on your son?THEY HAVE ALWAYS BUTTED HEADS,
BUT HE USED TO DEAL WITH IT BETTER AND HAVE A LOT MORE PATIENCE.
Or is this new? IT'S NEW THE WAY HE IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL
ANGRY ALL THE TIME. AND HE DOES NOT SEEM LIKE A HAPPY PERSON.
[/QUOTE] KellyDel40109.2768634259
Good for you. You did the right thing. You have addressed it, he has been informed of your feelings. He should know better, it is his child.
Your son will be fine as he gets old and has the right diagnosis and all the right accommodations in place. He may NOT have autism or on the spectrum, just a severe speech delay, adhd.
Your husband can still enjoy his son NOW. We have dealt with this also. My son is a lot like me, not as much like his dad. My daughter is more like her dad. So my hub has that frustration too, especially when dealing with sports. Son isn't as competitive as his dad.
I am glad you had your "talk" you did the right thing for your son, for you and your relationship.
How was he this morning? How was your son??
I forgot to mention that my son was/has been taking Metadate CD 10 mgonce in the morning. Beginning two days from now he will start a generic
form (methylphenidate ER) at 20 mg., as the 10 mg. is not helping with
inattentiveness and focus.
I love my son. I generally do not have any issues with him being the way he
is. Every once in a while he'll be a real challenge, but I know how to talk him
down.
My issue lies with my husband and how he cannot handle his own kid. It
makes me feel like we are not a family. I do not want to be Mamma and kid
against Pappa.And I did NOT like the way he held onto his wrists, squeezing them. I heard
my husband speaking in his extremely serious voice and being loud, so I
began to walk down the hallway and into the kitchen to see what was going
on. I walked into the room to see him like he was caught red handed. I got
the feeling that he realized what he was doing was not smart. Good for you KellyDel!
You did the right thing! Someone needs to look out for your son. He doesn't have anyone one else to protect him! It sounds like your husband at least understands that he's been wrong in his reactions and behavior. That's a good start! Watch his behavior and if you see the negativity come back toward your son demand that he get counseling and don't (under any circumstances) take NO for an answer. Your son is too important! You can't let hubby treat him that way! Chances are once your husband addresses his own issues he will be a happier person all around and his interaction with your son will improve tremendously. I wish you the best of luck and good for you for protecting your son! 
I know i inherited my impatience from my mother.
thing is she was also a nagg.
-------
a few years ago i went to training to be a direct care staff to supervise up to 12 children at a time.
it was strange to be expected to give only 2 prompts to a chils and if they didnt do it then there was a consequince.
my whole life i was nagged and scoffed at forn doing what i was told to do.
then on the units i struggled to apply this new to me technique.
after two years i realized the two prompt expectation was superior to my mothers approach .
no need to yell. consequinces not punishment "yelling is a form of punishment". -- but it needs to be talked through .
consistently doing this made "room for arguements" less likely.
easier to assist them to get them started and give them attention for completing tasks.
the less stress in the environment also made grudges less sensitive.
--------
so over time i saw how
short consistent expectaions
helps the environment/room open up to more positive outcomes.
----
working with over 70 staff n 2 year period
i began to cringe when i heard the adult staff start to yell.
the kids would start getting loud too. plain and simple.
im not saying i never quarelled but i learned that i was hurting my rapore wih the kid i was qualling with. the trust was near impossible to regain.
--------
this week i have had insomnia in 9 days ive had about 30hours of sleep .
im edgy, snappy and unfocussed my attention span was down to ten seconds in conversations.
i bring that up because its when the adhd & insomnia are combined that notice my own adhd as obvious.
so im sharing an insight i learned.
my cognitive skills function better when im relaxed.
the insomnia is like instant stress. and im in cognitive fog .
---- heres my point
when negative stress starts my mind "stalls"
feeling out of control i get loud and bossy
i even do impulsive things to feel in control .
yet i usually regret the things i did impulsivly.
---------------
so many times when i recognize the stress and impulsiveness guiding my actions . i look inward to the training i learned.
i close my mouth and listen and i say im listening.
i repeat what i think they mean before i state my opinion.
i keep my lectures to myself and give a short reasonable order/expectation.
i make space/distance between us so that there isnt a chance to argue.
i give time for the other person to consider/process what i said and to calm down.
if nessasary give assistance to start the expectation, but stop short of doing it for them.
repair the relationship.
return to what we were doing before and being supportive.
---------
its really hard to convey how much the
hearing part of the brians slows to a crawl when in upset.
its like im not listening at all. its not the listening that has stopped.
its my cognitive interpretation of whats going through my ears.
"thats not what i meant" i hear that alot when i argueing- cause im only interpreting 30% of what im hearing correctly. yet what im seeing is still 90%
-------
thats why non verbal skill are so effective with my adhd.
pointing to things
nodding yes
using hands in lowering way to suggest a lower tone of voice.
i fraction of some of the kids i was with.
"talked themselves into a mad"
i mean it was like after every sentence they got out
they would escalate
until they were in a full out violent rage.
they didnt hear a word i was saying.
usually the non verbal technique of just standing in at thier door would much do better than ordering/loudly them to thier rooms. after they calm down . then we could talk again-- impossible to talk agian if i/we were yelling back at eachother.
---
so i went on a quest to learn
what the non verbal signals.
both hands torso high in a lowering motion -- once that catches thier eye say quielty "calm down then we'll talk so more " nodding a big smile in a moment of stress laughter as a disraction but not as ridciule when prompting i usualy just held up my 5fingers say in five minutes. point to my watch to indicate that a five minute time out - is nearavoiding a "hearing" conversation while stressed sometimes avoids an aguement .
I'm sure none of you are going to like hearing this...but what you are all describing of your spouses is considered mental/emotional abuse. I know, I lived it as a child and am paying everyday for it now. I am adult enough to know when I am acting as that abused child and change it but this has taken YEARS to deal with. Listening to your stories...it made me so sad because many of the stories brought back many memories that I sometimes have a hard time dealing with and it made me cry for your children...I know their pain and you can't imagine what it's doing to them, but I know.
Please, get your spouses some help and if they refuse to understand or actually do the work...then for the sake of your child's adulthood, get out.
It sounds like your spouse has undiagnosed ADHD. Jessica N40117.868900463Thank you for caring, Ladies. Things are better rightnow. I will keep my eyes and ears open for any signs that he is slipping. But
for now, he is really trying. I have noticed the effort and I appreciate it.
Hopefully I will not have to jump back on here to kvetch about something
else in the future. I have high hopes. I love it when we all three laugh at
something together. Wish we had more times like that!I am feeling sad this morning. I have been going round and round with
my husband about how he talks to our 6 1/2 year old son. Time and time
again, I gently remind him that his tone of voice and the stern and
sometimes angry tones that he uses are not helping. I have had
conversations with him (not in front of our son) stating that I am only
trying to help, that I want him to have a good relationship with our kiddo,
that I have had lots of experiences that I can draw upon, and offer a
different perspective for him. Each time he tells me he is "trying" to
change. I believe he is sincere. But it's not enough. He has been trying for
months. HOw long before he finally realizes that he does not have to treat
every connection with his son as a mean/angry parent who yells?? I am
very sad today, cause we had another instance yesterday, and I went to
bed with out resolving anything. He has not talked about it with me at all.
SO- nothing was learned. I love him and want things to work out so that
he can feel a closeness with his son like I do. It seems like everything our
kiddo does, my husband has absolutely NO patience. This is not
acceptable to me! I want to get through to him. HOw can I do that without
seeming like I am dictating?
I live with a husband who is adhd, and in denial. He too has a hard time with stuff, especially as the children have gotten older.
Our son is our adhder, 12, and is medicated. he is a people pleaser. He handles it better than our daughter, who is 10, not diagnosed yet but just like her father. They butt heads daily, all day long. It is horrible.
Somtimes I think my husband instigates. He also is having to apologize to our children often for hurtful things he says and does. He ALWAYS apologizes once I have explained how horrible he has said and done. DH then gets it BUT it takes me doing this everytime.
Do you knwo where the adhd comes from? Could it be from him? Is your husband depressed?
My husband was in denail with our son and was the reason our son wasn't medicated until 2nd grade. We should have done it when he was starting kindergarten.
May I ask is he just verbal, angry or is he physical? What do YOU think his problem is?????
My husband grew up in a family of abuse AND adhd. All undiagnosed. There was also depression, a lot. It is totally genetic and I see it.
I was raised in the opposite house and have a hard time. My husband always tells me how lucky I am to have the family I have.
I swear my children will NOT grow up like my husband did. My husband hated his father even until his death. he was sad he died, but the abuse was just too much.
Please keep your children safe. That is our job as mothers.
My husband uses verbal assaults. I have never witnessed and physicalcontact except grabbing kiddo's hands together tightly to keep him from
picking through the recycling (he has PDD-NOS and has object fixations!)
Background: My husband had and still has a good family relationship. BUt
his father was strict and not a big talker. Funny- hubby is not a big talker,
either- and other family members describe him as a "macho man" type.
It gets me in the gut, instantly, when he talks to our son in a negative
way. As soon as our kid says something to him, he just cannot
communicate on a normal level, one to one... everything he says is like
he's reprimanding him!
HUbby also does not look favorably on his job/career right now. And has
not for quite some time. I have addressed this with him, too. I tell him
that he is stressed about work, and that it seems like he is bringing it
home with him and taking it out on us. He denies it.
Excuse me, I feel like crying.
I have often thought of the possibility of HIM having ADHD, yes. He often
times says he's bored. Doesn't sit for long periods. Always feels like he
has to be doing something. He appears zoned out, especially when
watching TV, and I ask him a question, or tell him something. When I tell
him important things, they come up in conversation later on, and he says
he does not remember me telling him that! This happens a lot. He will
say, "yeah, okay"... and then later when I ask him, it's like he is hearing it
for the first time.
I actually feel sick in my stomach when he gets home from work, and I
know he will have contact with our son.... I just don't have a lot to look
forward to. I cringe.
Our son "acts out" at times with him. And he cannot handle it. He does
not model good coping skills for him. I keep telling him that our son will
learn what he learns based on what he sees his parents doing and saying.
SO I tell him to please just stop for a minute and THINK about what you
are going to say before you say it. I will add, there is no name calling, no
vulgarities, no belittling.... it's just his TONE of voice and the fact that it's
coming from a place of negativity. He talks to him in a negative way. I,
however, talk to him in a positive way. And if there is a negative
circumstance, I TURN IT AROUND to a positive so our son will learn the
correct behavior.
All my husband ever does is negative.
is your son medicated? How severe is his pdd/nos?
My son had a PDD diagnosis when he was in early intervention and didn't talk. They used it to get us into children's hospital for an evaluation for autism.
Your son being 6 1/2, has he been evaluated to a specific diagnosis yet? Do you think autism? My son loves to save things but he is truly ADHD.
I am glad you are here. We are with you so you are NOT alone. Remember that. Come here when ever you need us. We all share things in common with one another.
Please keep an eye on your son with him. Have you ever talked with DS about how DH is with him? Does your son notice it??
My son has a medical diagnosis for PDD-NOS which is on the Spectrum.They call it Atypical Autism, cause he does not display enough of any one
disorder on the Spectrum.... so it is Pervasive Developmental Disorder not
otherwise spec. (of course I am sure you knew that).
He began preschool at 4, with an IEP for autism so he could get services
needed. He is now in 1st grade and continues the special services- that
being one on one when needed, SLP, OT and PT.
He is on meds for ADHD- and THAT diagnosis is new to us, cause it's
only been since very end of MAY that we have had to deal with this.
I have never thought of asking our son about Pappa, and how he behaves
with him. Our kiddo has a hard time with words (part of PDD-NOS)- his
expressive and receptive skills are still in training.
That is exactly how we started out. We were in early intervention, son didn't talk, didn't even say momma at age 2. He was also diagnosed with sensory integration and received an OT.
We went to intergrated preschool but they lied and didn't give my non speaking, just starting to jargon, speech delayed son, speech therapy nor OT for sensory. I got wind of their lying and received an IEP for kindergarten in another town.
He received the adhd diagnoses one month shy of 5. Started speech with the school system and OT. BUT I sent him to private speech and OT at health south, they are in a lot of states and cities.
My son is receiving speech and on a 504, but there is conversation of removing it, not in agreement, but in discussion stages. He is doing very well in most of his classes, high A's so the teachers just don't see any adhd ( he is medicated ) nor learing difficulties. My son has expressive language delays, but receptive has never been a worry. I am sorry that your son struggles with both. It is very hard having a language delay.
Do you know that most adhd'ers, not all, have a co-morbid. My son's are speech, sensory, and anxiety.
ow are the meds going?? What is he taking?? Do you believe your son is autistic?? Aspbergers? How is school going for him? How about friends???
My son is now 12, adhhhhd and sensory. He is doing awesome. Teachers love him, A/B student. He does struggles in social settings but has started to come into his own. Has a girl who is adorable and really likes him from a far, he is shy but likes her too.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have received and offered a lot of help here on these boards. Please stick around, you will too. It will absolutely amaze you!!
BETHANN40108.4312152778