Lots of tears...I need advice please | ADHD Information
I'm at a loss, maybe I'm just exhausted? My 11 yr old son is in 6th grade this year and has adhd. First year of middle school (ugh). He rarely gets invited to participate in events with other kids...which has been typical his whole life, no matter how hard I try to get the social thing going, his behavior tends to get in the way of his social relationships. He has very awkward social skills, even though he is clever and bright and normal IQ. In many ways, he tries too hard, in other ways his mouth gets in the way (bragging, inappropriateness, trying to be the clown).
I have had him in social skills classes, counseling, I have tried to help. His stepfather and father are great men who are there for him with good advice...etc we just don't know what to do at this point.
He got invited to a classmate's church function on Saturday. Apparently, my son, in his infinite wisdom, decided to curse at one point saying "Holy S*t" in front of the boy and other kids. I found out through the grapevine (my stepdaughter who heard at school) that this had happened, and now the mom apparently said she won't let her son invite my son to any more events or functions. I am just horrified at his behavior that this would be ok to do. Of course, this was the first time my son had been invited to be around this boy or his family.
We spent most of the night crying last night, because his heart is breaking. He says that kids at school who he is trying to make friends with are calling him "freak" and other names. I know I am preaching to the choir here, but my mommy heart completely broke last night. I am so desparate to fix this and I don't know what to do.
I'm very very down about this. I did the obvious things, I explained that using such words doesn't make you "cool" or make you a "man". That it disrespects who you are as a person etc. I explained that kids are cruel and as far as the name calling, he can't let a few jerks define who he is going to be as a person etc.
I just don't know what to do. I have decided to call the mom, tell her how mortified I am about the situation from Saturday, and ask her if she would accept a call from my son for an apology for his behavior. I believe whole-heartedly that he (we all are) is responsible for his behavior and needs to be accountable.
And before you judge, no, he doesnt' have adults in his life who cuss/curse in front of him, so we have not given him the impression that it is ok to do this.
He looked at me last night, crying so hard he could hardly talk and said "Mom, I just want 'one' friend, but apparently I just keep messing it up."
Please give me your advice, I am desparate and my heart is broken today. It just feels like I must not be doing something right or else he wouldn't be struggling so much.
For starters you need a big hug mom
Also, no one here would ever pass judgement because no one is perfect and all of us have been where you are to some degree.
While I think that socially appropriate behavior is very important, while some may not agree with me because everyone has different value systems, I think everyone's reaction to your son saying a curse word is over the top. No one has perfect children, ADHD or not and had your child violently hit someone or did something sexually inappropriate then such a reaction would be warranted. I also don't think that your son saying a curse word is what should be focused on. What needs to be worked on is finding treatment that will allow this young man to start having some quality of life. All children curse. The emphasis should be put on getting effective treatment for his ADHD to curb the impulsivity. You cant talk a child out of being impulsive as you cant talk him out of an ADHD behavior.. The other parents who were upset with your son must think they have perfect children. I also understand that he cursed at a church function but it certainly wasn't a criminal act. Again, the issue is about curbing the impulsivity.. ADHD is not a behavior problem. Its a problem with impulsivity...acting before thinking
There is no reason your poor son should be struggling like this and he is also entering a very difficult age whereas hormones are changing. My advice to you is to put ignorant parents out of your mind and start working on getting a plan to help your son with his ADHD symptoms. I suggest that you get a referral to a specialist who will explain treatment options. In the absence of effective treatment for ADHD, the outlook is not good. The only way all the interventions you utilize are effective is when they are in combination with medication. Many parents don't believe in medicating their child and that's a very personal choice but going through life with such horrible struggles is far worse.
Please don't cry. There is real hope for your child and don't waste your energy being upset with an ignorant society. Put your energies into providing your son with treatment that will unlock his potential in all areas of life and provide him with an opportunity to have a fulfilling and happy life. We are here for you
My heart is also breaking just reading your post! 
The poor kid! He doesn't deserve to feel that way, no kid does! Kids can be so mean!!!!
I agree with Luvmykids02. These people have OVERREACTED to him cussing! Geez, a cuss word in not the worst thing he could have done! I also agree that there is help out there for your son. Is he on medication? If not, it may be time to explore that option. I wish you the best and you deserve a pat on the back for being such a caring mom!
Are their social skills classes in your area for preteens? I know a couple of different friends of mine son's have taken them. They have been really helpful.
I agree, this mother is way over the top. I hope you will update us as to how the phone call went. If this mother is a church going lady, she will forgive as it says in the bible.
We are talking about an 11 yr old child for goodness sake.
He does deserve friends. I honestly hope she accepts your olive branch.
I was told when my son was 5 that adhd'ers curse. And you know what it happened. My son is now 12 and does. I think it is a learned behavior from school, football, etc.
I also think it happens from our adh'ers blurting out. That is just another impulsive move.
Can you contact the school about the children calling him "freak" - that is a form of bullying. I would call them ASAP, if you haven't already. Is this just the stuff your son is going through at school or is it related to the church incident?
The school also needs to help your son. I would also contact your minister in regards to what happened with the family from church. Maybe the minister/priest could help as well.
I have been through this stuff as well. It was different but it was bullying. Mine is one year older and never invited to anything, hasn't since elementary school. Been through all this stuff as well.
there are lots of other things you can do for your son. Do you have a recreation park or YMCA that you can sign him up for things he is interested in? Mine took chess, lego building, robotics, swimming, baseball. We kept him away from those in town where he went to school and allowed him to interact with new friends.
Please come back and update us, we really care!
Seriously, do you live in Wisconsin 'cause my son will be your son's friend! I feel so bad for him. IMO, it's time to hit the eject button and get him to a school where he can have a fresh start. Maybe talk to the school counselor about starting an ADHD support group where you can identify other kids who may be having the same issues and can get together once a week for games and pizza. Does he behave better at your house? Then start inviting kids over A LOT! You do the calling so that you can call on the other parent's sympathies and explain that your son is feeling lost and needs some help, AND if you call and the answer is no, your son won't have to be hurt by it. The more they see him behaving appropriately or at least in an environment where other adults aren't correcting him all the time, the more they'll remember that and their views will change. How large is his school? Do you have a more personal relationship with any of the teachers, where you could ask them to take an interest in your son and be his mentor at school? Is there something that he's really good at that could open some doors for him, like art or band or a sport? What about a pen pal?
My son is in sixth grade also, so I know how vital these social connections are at this time. And I totally agree with the other poster who said that the other mom needs to get some perspective on a cuss word! For heaven's sake, it's not like he kicked a puppy or slapped a baby. When I hear my son's friends use bad language, I say something like,"Woah! We're not going to use that language here. Clean it up." And then it's over.
Please keep us posted about how he's doing.
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Oh mommyistrying.....your post just about made me cry! My son is 7 and I'm seeing the "writing on the wall" for the middle/high school years. I am fortunate that we have a few understanding parents in similar situations. Have you found yourself in any situations with other parents of ADHDers? There is an unspoken understanding with kids like this. Oh, there can be drama and arguments galor but when its good, its really good.I am tryin something new with my son: a secret code word when the normal prompts aren't working. Okay, the word he chose is "pickles"...yeah....pickles. BUT when I go over an say it to him quietly (and with a serious face) he knows he's really outside of acceptable. For me, I have told him that if he is having a hard time making good choices, and he won't listen, then I'll have to make the choice for him which can me leaving the situation for minutes or entirely depending on his behavior.
As far as cursing goes....I think its happened to most parents. The other day, my non-adhd daughter stepped on a box and said, "Oh Sh*t". She's 6 (today as a matter fact!). I am conscience about my language with the kids, but I'm sure I slipped up along the way...and there you go. Not my proudest moment for sure, but a human one.
Do you feel comfortable sharing a bit with this other mom? In reading about the situation, honestly I'd speak to her in a way that would hit home. I'd ask her about her capacity for forgiveness and not passing judgement. Nicely of course, but maybe something like you were hoping that at this event you were confident that he would be in a forgiving, acceptable environment. Although he messed up, you dealt with it and think this mom is a person who can see past a problem and find her charitable side.
good luck, and be well
gee wiz.
holy crap usually onlys cost me a quarter! not a social life!
I get the impression there must be more going on and the bad word just the a big fat reason.
I see in many circles that it's sometimes how well a guest child can listen!
being squirley and only focussed on play action.
as caregiver/parent i cringe when a child completely ignores Me.
im used to being ignored though ...
im saying some kids get so hyped while playing that an adult is like an obstacle on the play ground. "its harder than herding cats" an old friend used to say.
I believe it is common for ADDers to process less of what they hear when thier excited. like putting a funnel over your ears. with the small point out. when in a hyper state i mean.
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thats where having structured games and structured activities plays a big role.
knowing when to listen.and learning body language/ non verbal communication.
theres fun with the kids
and then theres repeating yourself until your blue in the face.
so my question is there may be a difference in the way the adults supervise.
11 yr old son
some expect only two prompts for a child to be told to stop,listen ect...
others go and say "you got five minutes"
these subtle differences can make a big difference on how the adult host feels.
ommas40130.859375I am there with you. My son is 8 and last year in second grade he came home and said I have no friends. No one likes to sit next to me. I would go in at lunch and find him all alone at the lunch table. It breaks my heart to know that socially he will never be accepted. I do remind him as often as possible that it will not always be like this. School is cruel. Even the most popular children feel out of place sometimes.
I love the advice above. I wouldn't make an excuse of his ADHD but rather just ask for forgiveness. We all have had those times in our lives with or without ADHD! She should be able to see past it.
As far as the teasing goes. I thought of it like a fad. Sometimes i would get the attention of the group. They would tease me till someone else messed up. Then they would be at the center of attention getting teased. I just had to learn not to do things to bring attention to myself or be the center of attention.
I think a mom to mom talk is a good thing. This shows the other moms that you care about you're child actions. This would go a long way with my wife. I thought church folk were all about forgiveness?
I think as a group ADHD folk do react strongly to new things. Like a kid in candy store being distracted by a baseball. It's easy to get distracted by something out of place. So I think we also learn that we can get attention by being the new person or saying odd things. We want to be accepted soo bad that we talk too much, make errors, and brag within white lies. Well I can't speak for all ADHD folks. I think regular folks form some kind bond just by following the rules. That folowing the routine and the rules is a way of honoring or respecting the group.
I think ADHD folks also have difficulties seeking these rules and understanding them. They are unsaid rules and they are difficult to notice in a brand new setting. I think it's like that because were so distracted when were new to something. It takes us longer to learn what doesnt bring attention to ourselves.
Paper Boy.....thank you for helping us understand ADHD from the inside out
MamaMelanie,
It makes me cry when I read about our adhd'er having no friends, We too went through this in elementary school. Things changed for my son when he started middle school. but until then we did everything we could. We tried to get help from the school, but it just didn't happen.
Why not reach out to the ymca, recreation department, chess, karate, art, etc. Anthing that interests your son. Mine loved lego classes.
I just find it heartaching when a child comes home and tells us they have no friends. I remember that feeling myself as a child. It is very lonely.
Stand by your child and do everything you can to keep him happy. That is what matters!!
Hugs to you, mommyistrying! You need it. I am in middle school hell right now with my adhd son (grade 7) and my adhd/bipolar daughter (grade 8). All kids struggle to find their place socially at this age- but our poor kids struggle harder and have more obstacles that the agerage tween/teen. Saying a curse word around a bunch of kids is pretty much normal behavior for a 6th grader I think. I wouldn't even worry about that. You talked to him about it- you did all the right things. So this kid and his family were shocked and awed by it- oh well- let them go and move on.
I have a son who acts a lot like yours- and he is "banned" from (or at least won't be invited back to) a few houses of kids he has befriended over the years. The various offending behaviors ranged from pretty bad to pretty darn bad. Never anything violent, never rude to adults... but behavior that was deemed unnacceptable by the hosts. And they have the right to decide that. I was always so embarrassed by these tincidents but I have developed a real thinck skin about this stuff beyond my control. I highly recommend doing that- it is very good for your mental health and allows you to be rational and logical when dealing with behavior issues. (rather than reacting emotionally)
Luckily, my son now, has a few close friends with understanding parents who are not afraid to correct my son and are happy to have him if he follows the rules. I can guarantee you, if they overheard him say %^&* or worse- they wouldn't ban him- they would correct him and maybe tell me about if it was a repeat problem.
Hopefully- soon- your son will find his niche and will be able to be himself around some kids that accept him. It will happen eventually- you just keep loving him and guiding him and soon enough a little matuarity will kick into gear and he will be on his way.
Chin up!