Husband is ACTUALLY crying | ADHD Information

Lying, bossiness, and manipulation over here! Uurrrgggg!! For my son (age 6) we have an allowance chart set up to help with the good behavior. As for these negative traits, I follow the 1,2,3 Magic book and let me tell you, IT HELPS! The theory is no reasoning or arguing with the child and just 'counting' the bad behavior and then instantly punishing. After getting to three, a time out in the room with a locked door and no talking while punishing the child. For my son, that is pure torture b/c he hates being alone. It works better than taking away TV, toys, etc. I especially HATE the lying and that was the first thing I started this with. He knows he can't talk his way out of it and it's immediately a punishment. Good luck and I hope you find something that works for your boy! It took me forever!!!!!!  :) Sounds just like my oldest! I agree with Canycane and Coleen Alexander -Roberts:

"She says in her book ADHD children react differently to discipline than the regular child and the more negative and hostile/critical we are in our parenting they will retaliate in the same way back. She says negative feedback for the ADHD child becomes a postive reinforcement."

We adopted my oldest at age 5- she had lived in an orphanage up until we adopted her, and she was not treated well. I am sure it was because of her severe ADHD. It is taking us YEARS (she is now 10) to undo the damage casued by the negative/hostile/critical discipline. We are STILL dealing with this through therapy. Plus, since she is so used to negativity, she tries to elicit it from us and those around her. However, with therapy and a calm approach a child who used to kick, scream, pull hair, throw things at us and/or threaten to kill or hit us everytime she had to pay the consequences for behavior will now, about 90% of the time, take the consquences with minnimal resistance.

We do are best to avoid being negative or critical, but are by no means perfect. The 1,2,3 Magic approach works well. Also, changing up the rewards/consequences every now and them to keep them on their toes can be helpful. Basically when I find myself blwoing my lid and/or thinking I could use an alcoholic beverage, I figure it's time to change things up a bit.

One thing I do not change however, is my stance on agressive behavior. The instant there is aggressive behavior, there is and always will be instant loss of all priveleges for at least the remainder of the day. There are no second chances.

Drake - I'm glad to hear something is working for you.  However, I must say I don't like the term "punishment".  the term "consequence" seems more appropriate because it makes the child more responsible for their behavior rather than having something inflicted upon them by the parent.  Just my opinion but I'm glad it's working.  Stick with it!

Update:  we finished testing and I went back and was told that my child has average to high intelligence and everything else was ruled out.  He is not anxious, depressed, no underlying problems, he is strict adhd.  I guess this is good in a way.

Now, we all sat down at ths table and set "house rules".  We could 1,2 and then 3 and then they lose something.  They got to choose ( with our help) what they wanted to lose from the nintendo and Wii to my sons new cell phone and their computers.  So far, so good.  There are still issues when dealing with other children but he is getting there.

hang in there, with you on his team, he WILL ge there!!

Hi Longsally, With your son's diagnosis of adhd, he is on med's?  Either way, sounds like hyou've noticed an improvement in his behaviour since your original post.  Any advise hyou can offer on what you think has made a difference. Are you using a reward chart or anything as such? I'm glad things are getting better.

Candycane

Trying to make any child with ADHD sit in testing for 3-4 hrs all at once seems like too much anyway!  Is your son already on medication? Good luck with the next appointment and keep us posted! Logan'sMom40165.7122106481

Hi, my son has just recently turned 8 and sounds exactly like your son. Both my husband and myself have had many occasions where we have literally cried and cried out of pure frustration. My son has recently been diagnosed with adhd however, we do not have him on any med's at the moment (will be starting early Jan). My son also displays some ODD (Oppositional defiance disorder) traits which could be part of the adhd. I am reading an interesting book at the moment called AD/HD PARENTING HANDBOOK BY AUTHOR COLLEEN ALEXANDER-ROBERTS. See if you can obtain from a library.

She says in her book ADHD children react differently to discipline than the regular child and the more negative and hostile/critical we are in our parenting they will retaliate in the same way back. She says negative feedback for the ADHD child becomes a postive reinforcement.

My son also cannot keep his hands to himself and is forever poking, patting or banging on people and like your son, he will order others around.

Please have everything written down for your appointment and hopefully they can help you out.

Im fairly new here and I've posted a few posts and have got some won derful feedback. Good luck!

Tarina

Hi Longsally, How'd the appointment go?

we went this am, appt at 830am, therapist comes out at 9am.  Starts testing. Here in SC, this is my sons last day of school before break and they were having a christmas party that started at 1230.  I told the dr, no problem...until they decided to close schools early due to snow and sleet at 1230.  Called my sons teacher at 1045 and she told me that the party was on, to bring him.  I pulled him out of the testing ( he was antsy and not doing well after sitting almost 2 hours).  We are going back 12/22/09 at 130pm and I was told there was another 1-2 hours of testing!!!!!!

After that, he said we would get a report that would give us a diagnoses, IQ, etc....

My DD is 6 and we have major issues with 'bossiness'  It is affecting her relationship with her twin brother and all of her friends.  She has had friends at school they will not play with her any longer b/c of it.  I try to explain over and over, and we role play solutions but I just can't seem to get through to her.

I cannot imagine if I had to start adding lying to her list of issues.  I truly feel for you.

 

Well, this is what happenned today:

My son had a sleepover and was up early which is normal for him.  He couldnt keep his hands to himself, irritating the other child. They were playing the Wii. 

My other child them went in to play and my adhd child was ordering him around and threatening him.  We told him to stop it.  It ended up with m older child having to eat breakfast alone as he was so mean to my younger child and ordering him around.  Every time we try to talk to him about his behavior, he became defensive and screamed at me and my husband and complained that he was the victim.

Hubby tried to talk to him and explain that we have been telling him about this antisocial behavior since he was 4 and now that he is 9, he is no closer to learning.  It ended with HUBBY being in tears and my child in his room. The next thing was his friend went home and my 6 year old came down to watch tv so older son could play the Wii alone.  Well, he came down and changed the channel on the younger one and I sent him to his room

He proceeded to go upstairs to the media room and lie right to my husbands face and said I didnt tell him to go to his room.  Why is it that he steps on everyone's toes and then really thinks that he is a victim?  Why is he blaming everything on everyone else and not taking responsibility?  I mean, we had JUST told him that he needed to be nice, wait his turn ect when he went up the stairs and turned off the Wii in the middle of a game the other 2 were playing.  We are so stressed out.

We do have an appointment this Friday with a child psychologist as I think there is more to him than ADHD.  His own brother asked me why he doesnt respect him and why he is so mean and now doesnt want to play with him.  Anyone?

It's good that you're going to a psychologist.  It's clear that this child needs boundaries.  Parenting is never easy and especially challenging with a child who has ADHD.  It sounds to me like this child is manipulative and is probably scared by his own behavior and in his bullying is really asking for help in controlling himself.  The psychologist should be able to help you and your husband work on these things.  He obviously needs consequences.  If you send him to his room, you probably have to walk with him to make sure he goes.  Follow through with your threats.  Let him know you mean business.  But at the same time, he's only 9.  You can't expect too much responsible behavior from any 9 year old.  Good luck.