You are NOT crazy!
Fletch
I just found out about being ADD at 43. To date I have only been dealing with my wife and children about this. I have not thought alot about the past and at this point do not intend to involve my parents in this issue mainly because my sister is handicapped and I feel like they have enough to deal with.
I know that in coming to terms with this I may uncover some of the feelings that you are expressing here.
I do know that for the last 5 years in leading up to this I was in pain and desperately wanted someone to understand what I was feeling. But in the end I always felt alone and rejected.
Today is a new day and this forum seems to be a good way to read and learn from the range of experiences.
The phrase "Seek first to understand and then be understood" may be the best advice for you at this time.
Learn about your ADD with others like you, come to peace with it, and then revisit the discussions with your family on a better footing.
Finally, you may have to take to heart that they will never truely understand what having ADD is like. But there is awesome power in you having that undertanding and control of your life.
Peace
Stressman
I am very new to this board, as well as being very new to the diagnosed group of people with ADD. I am 39 yrs old, and all of these years I have thought that my issues were just being lazy, being over-scheduled, and being just downright uneducated. I have had issues with focus, concentrating and organization, as well as scheduling and remembering the schedules that I make. I have trouble being able to focus on reading, to the point that I will either read the same line in a book 3 or 4 times and not even realize it, or I will skip over paragraphs, and once again, never realize it, and I find reading very difficult to focus on. I work hard with everything that I do, and the harder I work, the more overwhelmed I feel, and the less that I accomplish. I am currently reading a book called "You Mean I Am NOT Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?", learning about who ADD affects us, and things to do to understand it, work within our limitations and abilities, and utilizing ways to help better stablize my life. I would recommend this book to anyone looking for some answers and some additional help. It is wonderful to be able to go to a place where I can read similar explainations of what others go through, and know that I am not alone. Thank you for being part of my new life and giving me an outlet to share my stories, ask questions, and look for advice.FletchClamhame:
Even though I haven't officially dignosed, I am 100% sure i do have ADHD, and I just found recently after extensive research. I am new to ths board, I spent my lunch hour reading posts today and I can tell you people here understand exactly how you feel
Good advice Jade!Try having 46 years of conflicted emotions to deal with! :) Jade offers sound suggestion. Let it go. You can't undo what has passed. You can only take care of today. If they don't get it now, chances are that they may not want to. Then they would have to look at themselves and what they did and most people can't do that. But what is great is that you are taking steps to improve your quality of life, you are reaching out here to people who DO get it, who DO support you. I like your bus analogy. However, I would say if they can't get on the bus, then leave them at the stop. :) But don't stop being their family just because they can't understand. Just don't share your ADHD experiences with them. Just continue to be yourself. For families that don't understand this disorder, I feel sorry for them and their naivity. FletchClamhamer...I just want to offer you a big cyber (((HUG))). I'm a 51 year old mom at exactly the stage your at.
I think the advice that you've been given is so correct.
Like everyone has said...although others don't believe you or don't want to believe you have ADHD...we all know how you feel.
Take care my friend
I am writing this post to hopefully help someone else who is searching the interwebs the same way I have been.
Like many on this board I have recently just started treatment for my ADHD. At 29 years old I never thought I would be diagnosed with something like this. I also had no idea how thick the fog that I was living in was.
The point of this topic is that my family, and some friends, really don't get this disorder. I talk with them about my childhood and how I am feeling. They look at me like I am speaking gibberish and typically brush it off as 'I am glad the medication is fixing you.'
They don't get how this works and that the medication doesn't 'fix' me. I kept thinking that maybe I was the crazy. That I made this whole mess up. They had to be right, how can I see the world the way I do and they don't even catch a glimpse of it.
The reality is they are the ones who were/are blind. They ignored a little boy who had some terrible troubles growing up. Now, instead of help me through the process they want to make sure no blame comes their way. What would it hurt for just one of them to admit they remember me changing subject 6 times in one conversation or that they remember how I had no attention span.
I know others have families that just don't get it. You are not crazy, do not second guess yourself. Focus on healing, especially since if you are like me, I have 29 years of fragmented memories and conflicted emotions to work through. If they can't get on the bus, I am leaving them in the dust.
Fletch
One of the things that helps me when having to talk to/deal with family members is that ADHD has a strong hereditary factor. I'm fairly convinced that my mother has it and that being a complete #@%&* with selective memory is part of her "coping mechanism."
The only thing you can really do is to ask yourself what you want from them, as far as acknowledging what they did or did not do during your childhood. Then ask yourself why you need that, and what will happen if you don't get it. Then you have to decide to either let it go and just not talk to them about ADHD anymore, or not to let it go and just not talk to them at all anymore.
Either way, it sounds like you need to find your support in regards to ADHD elsewhere. These message boards are a great place to start, and you can always look for a CHADD support group in your area.
I love the last line of stressman's post, "But there is awesome power in your having that understanding (of your ADD) and control of your life." We can't rely on other people about our disability, not very often anyway. I don't know if this will make sense, but I saw that movie "Shutter Island" yesterday, and came to some conclusions. The movie's main character played by Leonardo Dicaprio was struggling with determining what was reality or illusion, or even delusion. There was a psychiatrist played by Ben Kingsley that alternated between seeming a quality doctor or a charletan, or even a criminal.
To make a long story short, I realized that I felt the same way about being diagnosed ADD as when I looked at that psychiatrist. I didn't know who to trust, what to believe. Finally, after a couple years of research and some therapy from an ADD specialist, I accepted my diagnosis. And if it took me that long, I understand why my relatives don't understand. But I think the public and me both have a reality or illusion type feeling about many psychiatric or disability diagnoses. There are so many acronyms of disorders out there, it's easy to be skeptical or even annoyed. There is the same conflict as the movie, with reality and illusion.
To get to the point, I was able to understand how no one in my family of origin or immediate family, not a single one except my adult daughter who also has ADD, believes me. But it's definitely great to read the posts here, and feel a sense of kinship and community. It gets kind of lonely out there. Thanks everyone!
Mig58
" But it's definitely great to read the posts here, and feel a sense of kinship and community. It gets kind of lonely out there. Thanks everyone!"
I agree. Especially since we ADHD people tend to isolate because we try to avoid reliving unpleasant or annoying experiences that we've had in social situations. enter a message to postI agree with stressman. I've accepted that I will always have some differences with my family. Once you do that, you can try to find common ground with them, and find other people to talk to about the ADHD issues.
Sometimes it does more harm that good when family members refuse to accept responsibility their actions.
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