So sad today | ADHD Information
Hi, My son is 8 yrs old but the comment your son made re: better at skating is exactly the sort of comment my son would make too. It's a part of their impulsiveness where they just blurt out words without stopping to think first (or after!). Also as someone else mentioned it's his way of coping with being hurt/being defensive. My son also has no friends and a cousin who lives very closeby almost same age who is not too keen on playing with my son either because of the things my son has said to him (ie: Im not your friend anymore, I want you to go home etc......). We all know how difficult it is and I'm also looking at camp for our next summer holidays as I struggle with the 7 week break (in Australia) and no help. Take care
well, I am frustrated. I believe on some level that my son likes to play the "victim". Case in point.....he got off the bus today and told me that he had been picked on and wanted me to intercede. When I spoke to the other child, turns out, my child strarted it and lied right to my face. I cannot trust anything he says. I was considering taking him off the bus but I am not going to. He dishes it out and cannot take it, doesnt know when to shut up and then whines to me. I told him that I will no longer get involved, he needs to handle it.
And as my mother says, no tennis shoes while in Europe!!
And yes, many things in common, where ever we are from! 
What about aspbergers, just not getting the social part of things? I know it is a far reach, but just wondered.
QUOTE=longsally] We just returned from sunday school and his friend came to the door and my son told him that he was going skateboarding. He asked his friend if he wanted to go and his friend said no to which my son said " well, I skate better than you do anyway". I could not believe my ears. His friend got mad ( rightfully so ) and walked away.
Your son has a mom who adores him, worries about him a lot.
I remember growing up and my mother was inside cleaning while we were outside, alone or with another child. Kids were/are mean. They said and did things but we didn't always tell our parents. We just dealt with it, even if it meant us thinking that kid was mean. We still played at times with that child, but it was just the way things were.
Also, I am glad that your son has a friend. He does and his friend may even treat him the way you heard your son treating him, who knows.
You are absolutely right. He will have to figure it out for himself, and I bet he does, when he is ready and willing. But because you love him so much, you will never give up because you too are very strong, as is your son!!
BETHANN40232.1694907407 [QUOTE=BETHANN]I remember growing up and my mother was inside
cleaning while we were outside, alone or with another
child. Kids were/are mean. They said and did things but
we didn't always tell our parents. We just dealt with it,
even if it meant us thinking that kid was mean. We still
played at times with that child, but it was just the way
things were.
The above reminds me not only how different our
childhood's were in relation to our children's but how we
all seem to be hyper aware of our children's
setbacks/failings/progress. Okay, perhaps I am only
thinking/speaking for myself here but I feel on certain
days, it is ALL I think about. And, you are right, kids
are mean, have always been mean and somehow, part of what
our kids need is knowledge and tools how to deal with
realities life dishes up.
I have been saying since I had my first child, almost 13 years ago, I am the mother I never had. Back then, they cooked, cleaned, took care of the house. They felt it was safe for the children to be outside and for the most part, it was. But they never got involved with their children the way that we do. Things were so different when raising children. They even had some children being raised not to speak unless spoken to. 
Although there was a lot more respect towards adults than there is now.
There is something to be said about that.
euromommy, were you born and raised in Germany?
BETHANN40232.1964814815 [QUOTE=BETHANN]I have been saying since I had my
first child, almost 13 years ago, I am the mother I never
had. Back then, they cooked, cleaned, took care of the
house. They felt it was safe for the children to be
outside and for the most part, it was. But they never got
involved with their children the way that we do. Things
were so different when raising children. They even had
some children being raised not to speak unless spoken to.
Although there was a lot more respect towards adults
than there is now.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, that is so true. My mother worked and when she was
home she did the above. Yes, I also had the "children
will be seen and not heard" upbringing. I hear where you
are coming from concerning respect. In my family at
least, there was a larger amount of fear in that respect
though.
No, I wasn't born and raised in Germany. I moved from the
US to Europe 24 years ago.
oh, I wasn't sure if it was just here in the states or if it was a "generation" thing.
Interesting.
How is it raising your children in Germany? Any difference?
[QUOTE=BETHANN]oh, I wasn't sure if it was just here
in the states or if it was a "generation" thing.
Interesting.
How is it raising your children in Germany? Any
difference?
Both of my daughters (almost 10 and almost 17) were born
in Germany, so I do not have any experience raising kids
in the US. I can tell you that as far as raising them
kids are generally babied longer here, having things done
for them or to them for longer. As far as parallels go
and speaking of respect: respect was in fact something
you saw a lot more of in the past. My husband's
generation, for example.
As far as differences in raising kids with ADHD/ADD and
what goes on in here school, social networks and so on:
There are differences. Some that are currently bothering
me are : I find I am often left alone. We rarely talk
about my daughter's ADD in social circles (I am including
friends here). My daughter's homeroom teacher knows she
has ADD issues and does her best, but the are no IEPs
here. No special goals set, no postural freedom (more
than the other kids), no writing help, It is one come one
serve as far as education goes. The curriculum is harder.
The children are screened off for various school
forms/tracks at the tender age of 9/10 (fourth grade). My
daughter's year
. Meaning that for her, it is now
being decided if she will go to college. There are other
ways to get to college however the system is so
different, there is no assuming one needs to go or
whether or not it will be a disadvantage if she goes the
long route.
Interesting, especially how they hold on to the child a little bit longer, nice. I don't like the idea of no iep/504's to help the child with their education, especially since they hold on to them longer and are babied longer.
About the respect, I find it a personal thing. Depending on your family and lifestyle. I am from a "priviledged" family and the respect was enforced, as my parents expect it from my children. My husband was not from a "priviledged" family and they were allowed to speak their mind, which got them, and still does, in to some trouble. I have such respect for my parents, as does my husband, however, he has no respect for his parents!
My husband has the adhd, as well as his siblings, etc. I so see it in them,even in their adult behavior. All untreated.
I will not allow my children to act as such, and my son is being treated.
Yes, I do not like the lack of ieps/504s - I only foundout about them through forums like this. They were not
around when I was in school...
Interesting your comment about privileged and
unprivileged families. I came from a well educated family
and my father and mother insisted on respect. No ifs ands
or buts. It was how they had been raised and it was, as a
consequence, what they thought was important. My husband
came from a less educated family and his parents also
insisted on respect.
I gauge how successful I am raising my girls - especially
the older one, in how she behaves when she is
unattended/on her own. As a teenager in a society where
alcohol is legal at 16 - she knows how to behave. This
for me is key. I have raised her(or rather my husband and
I) so she knows how to behave when we are not around.
My husband's family also has history/signs of childhood
adhd/add. Several late bloomers. But, they did bloom!
One brother has signs to this day. Not overtly
antisocial or disturbing behavior, just if you know the
signs, you notice these things.
So interesting!
Do you speak the language, sorry if that is silly after living there for so long.
My mother finds the women tall and beautiful in germany. And they dress wonderfully. I love the european woman to always carry a beautiful designer bag, such as chanel, louis vuitton, gucci, etc. I so admire that.
So fascinating.
I want to thank all of you for your responses. I did check into an adhd camp, 2300.00 for 10 days!!! We cannot afford it. We did talk about it and my son will go to regular camp for 1 week only for 600.00. He cannot get into too much trouble I hope in 7 days!!! During that time, hubby and I are going to take my other son to the beach for 5 days of rest, relaxation, dinners and fun.
When it comes down to it, my son is going to have to learn to control himself and get it together cause the world wont do it for him. I have also decided that although I want him to talk to me, I am unwilling to hear him complain to me any more about the way he is treated by his peers. 1/2 the time, he lies to me and paints himself as the victim, only to find out that the story is a lie.
We did have him tested recently, btw and he does not have other disorders, no anxiety or depression.
Well, I married a German guy so after a few months ofjust speaking English, my brother-in-law finally refused
to speak any more English with me and then I learned. It
was a good thing though as I have been able to help my
kids with school stuff (great with my younger ADD
daughter) and work in the private industry. I learned
French in high school and college which helped none here.
I so rarely get a chance to speak it.
The younger generations are so tall. But, I think this is
true everywhere. I feel really small (at 5'7") standing
in line at the grocery store next to a teenager.
Europeans dress well, not just the Germans. It is a whole
different mindset. No shorts in the winter and no sweat
suits to just run an errand. I have never seen anyone in
a nightgown/bathrobe or pyjamas quickly grabbing the
newspaper in the early AM. It's just not done.
I am so thankful for forums like this. Contact with
parents who have similar situations. We are thousands of
miles apart yet have so much in common. Dearest longsally,
I know it might seem silly to think of strangers on the internet as friends, but I feel like the others on this board are my friends. I completely understand where you are right now. I'm not going to give any advice or criticism. I just want you to know I am here as a shoulder (for crying or leaning on). I don't think parents of typical children can understand (and those without any children really don't understand) but we do and we are here for you.
I hope your day improves.
I appreciare it more than you know. Now, I am stumped about what to do for the summer. Do I send both kids to camp for one week, about 1300.00 for both. Do I send ds by himself for 2 weeks ( same cost) so hubby and I can spend some quality time with the younger one knowing that within 3 days my ds will be picked on and shunned? Do I send the younger one for 2 weeks because I know he will have a great time and it will be money well spent and keep ds at home and listen to him whine about the fact that he has no friends?
I am at a total loss. I wish I could be like the other parents and just be able to send my kid out the door to play and know he is having a great time and not worry about it. Hubby thinks we should send ds to camp for the entire summer, about 6 weeks ( what my mother used to do to me ) and just enjoy a quiet summer...but in the back of my mind, I know he will be so miserable there because it never takes long for him to be alienated..
Ok, this is more of a rant than anything else. I have done meds and testing....I have taken my child to social skills classes...I have put him in karate and skateboarding to give him confidence and things to do....he will be 10 in August. His behavior is no better now than it was when he was 4. He is bossy, tells other children what to do, screams in their ears, talks over them and interrupts them. We have talked to him until we are blue in the face.
We just returned from sunday school and his friend came to the door and my son told him that he was going skateboarding. He asked his friend if he wanted to go and his friend said no to which my son said " well, I skate better than you do anyway". I could not believe my ears. His friend got mad ( rightfully so ) and walked away.
I sat down and my husband asked what was up. I told him what happenned and then I said " I cannot do this anymore. I am tired of listening to ds complain about how people are mean to him ( always he is never in the wrong ) and is unwilling to even try to change his behavior. I am so stressed out all the time about what is happenning to him and I cannot do it anymore."
My entire existance and my families social life revolves around him. We cannot go to dinner with other couples because of him. We cannot go on vacations with other families because of him. We have lost friends because of him. WE are going to have to pay for [private school because there is no way he will survive middle school without being assaulted. We have bought him a computer, wii, playstation and nintendo to keep him occupied as he has so few friends and comes home every day that he tried to play by himself. Even his own brother who is 7 in May has had enough of him. I feel so lost and alone and I know this sounds terrible but I am counting the days until he is 18.
I feel like I could have written your post. I don't post often, but do come often to get support. My son's issues (11 years old) totallycontrol our life. We have moved because of him, send our kids to private school (because public was a disaster for him), our vacations
are dictated by what we think he can handle, I coordinate as many times with other kids but get hurt when they aren't reciprocated.
He is a sweet kid and tries so hard, but just lacks the social skills to be truly successful. He did take 1.5 years of social skills training
and then had one-on-one sessions to continue to improve his chances of success. I shudder to think where he would be if we didn't
do this.
I do get resentful when I see other families go off on vacation together or do fun things that I know that we could never do.
I feel for my other two children because they are exposed to so much negativity. So much of what they do is dictated by their brother.
We can never do anything after 8pm because he gets SOOO hyper and moody after meds wear off. It is exhausting to be around. Our
schedule needs to stay fairly consistent or we "pay" for it for days.
I agree with solsken - If you can send your older child to camp. You need a break. It might give you some much needed perspective to
make some modifications that will not only help you but your other child. I think we get so focused on making the ADHD child
successful (or to just control them) that we lose sight of other important priorities. This may be a great chance for you to get a
breather and readjust.Hi LongSally,
Gosh, how I feel for you. Much of what you have written
above I have felt too. I am new to the forum but not new
to adhd/add. Your son sounds like he was extremely hurt
which is why he said I skate better than you anyhow.
Sure, it's not a socially acceptable reaction but
definitely one that showed how hurt he was.
He knows that kids/his brother/other parents avoid him
and the "I skate better than you anyway" was a ego saver
from hurt. He most likely has awful self esteem. I am
sure you have been doing everything to help him! I would
do as you've been doing but also work on acceptable ways
to deal with rejection (role playing: I have done this a
lot with my daughter and it does help. But, we've worked
on getting socially appropriate by role playing A LOT!!).
Your son surely knows after years of having social
problems and having to work on this or that or try this
or that that others think he is wanting in so many ways.
He believes he is wanting/not good enough. What an awful
legacy these kids sometimes have of not believing that
they are okay as they are. All kids, most especially
adhd/add kids because of their history of failure/needing
to change/improve regardless of how they behave (!!) just
want to have friends/be loved and appreciated/be okay
just as they are.
Even when they get a chance (s) to improve their self-
esteem, doesn't mean it actually happens. I have been
working with my daughter who is almost ten on this for
years. She too is also in many programs designed to help
with exactly that. But, it is a long journey getting them
to believe in themselves consistently. Most especially
because every setback seems to create a devil's circle...
I would also suggest, like others and slosken have
mentioned arrange to have him do an ADHD camp alone and
use the time to regroup/recharge your batteries and spend
time with your other son. Everyone needs a bit of a break
but he should know you are not trying to get rid of him.
Whew! Longsally, I just wanted to say that I can relate
totally. Always worrying, always planning with an eye on
what can and likely does go wrong. 24/7 of worrying and
wishing things would finally get a bit better. They will.
They really will. Sally
I've been right there with you. Honestly, I can relate to everything you are saying. It is lonely and isolating. I have had days where I feel like you. I spent the first several years after our children came crying. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. (we have 3 children with adhd who are adopted) But things are getting better.
I feel like something is missing for your son. Mood disorder? I don't know. Something should be getting better. He sounds really unhappy.
I could go on and on, but wanted to make a suggestion for you about camp. I think your youngest son needs time with you and your husband alone. I think you need a break from your oldest son. I would send him for the two weeks if he wants to go. It could help shift the dynamic and give you all a break from the stress and the tension. Your youngest can go another year. Maybe you can do some special things on those days when your older son is gone.
I do not know where you have lived, but what about a camp focused specifically on adhd. I have seen some of them online. I would think that would be an investment well worth looking into.
Don't give up! He'll come around.