New and ? about rude parents | ADHD Information

Hi!  I'm new to the board. My DD was diagnosed 3 years ago as ADHD.  We are currently reinvestigating what to put her on.  Stated on Adderall, she lost a lot of weight, switched to Focalin, but eventually it wasn't working, tried Vyvanse which I thought was wonderful, but now after a year her new teacher says she can't focus in class.  Now, back on Focalin, up to 30 mgs. a day.  Anyway, as I know you can all relate, it's frustrating to know what to do.  I don't want to put her in a zombie state, but that seems to be what the teacher wants.  Yuck.  BTW, I'm one too, and at the same school.  That doesn't help either.  No, she doesn't have an IEP.  She manages fairly well with her grades.

I'm having the most problem now with parents who know my child is ADHD, yet seem to think it's okay for their children to exclude her from their little sleepovers and other events.  They know full well that my child is usually within earshot of them planning these things, but they never seem to make it a point to make their little angels invite my DD.  So....what do you do?  Sit there and let your child (who as we all know probably already suffers from low self esteem because of her impulsivity, etc.) just get ignored or do we speak up and say "Hey, I'm sure if you're little one was excluded YOU wouldn't like it either!!!"  I'm so mad at how parents seem to let their children act.  BTW, these are all fifth grade girls -- a pretty catty little bunch to begin with, but sheesh, is it too much that she can't be included in ANYTHING!?!

Thanks for letting me vent here.  If anyone has advice...please help!

I know how this feels. It sucks majorly and yes, it makes
me really mad too. My DD is almost 10 and has difficulty
finding acceptance for being as she is. She is ADD. She
is currently doing okay in school and her meds seem to be
appropriate. Meaning she has overall good attention
currently, (in the past it was another story...) but low
self esteem and has trouble making/keeping friendships.
Not because she does something inherently wrong, just
because the kids note the difference and well...the rest
I am sure you know. Conversely to your DD, my daughter
gets invites to most parties/activities but rarely has a
regular play date.

Anyway, to your DD - Does your daughter have play dates?
Does she invite kids over for sleepovers and get takers
on the invites? How does she do when she is the one doing
the inviting? How do the kids react to that? What sort of
relationship do you and your husband have to these
parents? Is there anyone person/couple you feel you could
approach with this concern? Saying the above would, as I
know you know, only put them on the defensive but
something milder might get the message across.

If she doesn't do the above then I would try to get that
ball rolling. Invite some kids over for play time. Or
perhaps, just one kid at a time. With the exception of
her impulsivity, is your daughter socially competent most
the time? As you well know, sometimes our kids do things
like getting too close, grabbing, interrupting, bossing
okay just being impulsive, or not sharing that we are
unaware of them doing during play time and these things
make the other kids feel ill at ease. My daughter used to
ask the same question over and over again as to when the
particular activity was going to be over making the
parents and the other kids crazy. Thank goodness she
doesn't do that anymore!

No, I am not saying that it is okay to exclude somebody
because they are a bit impulsive or whatever - that is
awful all the way around. Just perhaps there is something
(from the kids perspective)that makes it difficult to
play with her.

Yeah, I noticed the cattiness - for us it seemed to begin
in kindergarten The girls probably have a catty little bunch of mommies, too

does your daughter have any friends that she is comfortable around? I would see if she does. If not, then get her involved in something away from school where she can meet other childre.

I have a daughter in 5th grade as well. She was diagnosed through school a few months back and is not on any medication.

Her social is based on what she makes it to be. She finds hanging out with older girls who aren't in school with her is best. She also is very good friends with a boy from her class who is adhd. Just friends, They are very H together.

My son was excluded when he was in elementary school, it was horrific.

I alwasys felt that my medicating him later, 2nd grade, instead of kindergarten got him labeled by kids, parents and staff. AND that the Parents where the worst to shake the label because they were so hung up on trying to prove that their child was better, or perfect. The parents are horrible because they can change the child by including others who aren't. I can only wonder what type of child they were when they were growing up.

The best thing that ever happened was going to middle school. There are now more kids to hang with and things are changing as they mature.

I had to get my son involved with the rec/Ymca/etc. to find other kids. I just wanted him happy, which he is, but it broke my heart because I knew what they were doing to him.

Hang in there with the rest of us, and please come here and vent whenever needed.

BETHANN40233.4592824074I grew up with all different kinds of people. My mother made sure of it. We often had 'developmentally disabled' people over to our house for holidays, Sunday dinner, etc. Sometimes as a kid I was annoyed that we couldn't just have our family alone for these things. Now as an adult I am so grateful that she gave us those experiences (and still does). It broadened my mind, and allows me to see the potential of my own children. Stereotypes are only overcome through familiarity.

I feel frustrated that there seems to be no room in our culture for differences. None of us really fit into the box, so why do we persist in trying to cram everyone into it anyway? I'm glad that so many of the parents/caregivers on this forum are proactive. It continues to give me hope!!!

Thank you all for responding.  I saw that a lot of people viewed my post, but until you all posted I thought, well here I go again...nobody seems to really care.  Thanks to those of you who "get it".  First of all, I do think the Moms are definitely the kind that just want to push their girls to be the popular ones.  Yes, my DD has made some bad choices -- said and done some things that the Moms have seized upon and I guess have decided that's their reason to exclude my DD; however, what's so funny (I guess only to me) is that their little ones have done some nasty little things as well...maybe they're just a little slicker and appear more mature about it.  Personally, I'm just hoping I'm around to see it all come back around on them.  One advantage is I'm a little older than them and have been around long enough to know that it all does eventually come around.  Oh, these moms are very competitive as well.  Yuck.  Who cares???  If they only knew what we had to deal with on a day to day basis they would kneel down and kiss the good Earth that they don't have to deal with these social issues, medication, temper tantrums, etc.  They are so clueless it bites. 

Thanks for letting me in here and for listening.  I'm sure it won't be the last time I'll need to vent. 

Vent, vent, vent...then vent some more. That's one of the best parts about this board! Nobody pooh-poohs your vents, either! Even the smallest thing can feel like that 'straw' especially when dealing with social issues.

I'm glad you now know that somebody really does care. Us! Keep posting, we'll read and respond.

I get so frustrated at the competitive parents in my community, too. The kids in my community have been groomed for perfection since birth.  I can't tell you how many  one-time-only playdates I had, back when my son was 1 - 2 years old.  I got a clear impression that my son wasn't "good enough" to play with the other children in my moms club.  There's no room for children who are a little behind socially or emotionally when the other moms are raising "the best of the best"  (sarcasm). 

Part of me wonders, though, if my child didn't have developmental/social difficulties, would I be like the rest of the moms? 

 

I feel for you. My son is 8 and diagnosed with ADHD a little while back.  My son is in Yr 3 at school (Australia) and he's had this other boy in his class from kindy, so a few years now and they've been to each other's b'day party 1 x each and had a playdate at each other's house 1 x each. Last year my son would come out of class at the end of day and ask me if this other boy could come over for a playdate and as this boy's mum or dad were there, I would ask (we just live across the road from school and they're only 5 min's away from us).  I got given every excuse under the sun why this boy couldn't come over.  This year  my son and  the  other boy are  in the  same class again and we start all over again with both boy's trying to arrange a playdate and once again I'm getting excuses as to why this boy can't come over. Anyway, on the last occasion of asking they let their son come over and all went well but needless to say, that was 2 weeks ago and no offer in return for my son to go over there. I see this boy's parents all the time and to be quite honest, if something was going on I would rather they have been up front with me instead of the boy's constantly asking about a playdate that these parent's have to come up with any excuse about.   Furthermore, my sister live's very close to me and we are close however, her son who is not even a year older than my son isn't too keen on playing with my son and no encourement is made on his parents part. Again, they arrange playdates, sleepovers etc..... when my son is in earshot and as this dosn;t happen with his cousin, it crushe's him..........and me!  Good luck anyway! 

Tarina,

I'm so sorry for you and your son.  It sucks.  There's just no other word.  We've been trying to arrange a play date for my DD w/this one girl who's in her class at school and we too get excuse after excuse.  Guess we're hard headed, but until she can come right out and verbalize that she doesn't want to do anything with my DD, we're gonna keep on asking.  After all, isn't a part of good manners explaining yourself...not just being evasive?????  Today we called around until we found someone who wanted to go to the movies with my DD.  Screw the other little girl...

Hugs,

Amy

ATEACHERNNC,

HOW DID THE MOVIE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND FRIEND GO? HOPE THEY HAD A GOOD TIME. HOPEFULLY AS OUR KIDS GET OLDER IT WILL ALL GET EASIER.

TARINA

ateachernnc,

I agree with you, it does suck. No other word choice.

I find this is the area that breaks my heart for our adhd'ers. No one will give them a chance and they are held accountable for everything.

I mean give me a break, no child is perfect, honestly!! Why do ours have to be??????

Tarina,

Thanks for asking about my DD's movie time.  It went fine.  She found a friend to go with her.  Bethann, you're right.  Ours are held accountable for EVERYTHING.  My DD has a "friend" who wrote her a note back in the fall (this girl, at age 11, is hooked on the Twilight series and swears she's a vampire)...that she was glad she "killed" my DD.  I mean, really!  Her mother just dismissed it.  Yet.....my DD is called to task for every little incident that rubs this little precious darling the wrong way.  EXCUSE ME, but you said you were glad you KILLED my daughter!!!!    Like I said, I can't wait for it to come around.  BTW, it already has a little bit.  This girl's mom (fellow teacher at my school), confided in me last Thurs. that she and her dear hubby are about to split up -- that she's been holding all of this in, etc., etc.  Personally, I find it hard to be too empathetic given she's supported all of this nastiness by her own DD.

As sad as it it, can I just say I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way?!! Do you all live in my neighborhood? LOL!

The playates, the feeling that our kids are held accountable for every flippin' thing when other kids are not or seem to get away with it. Grrrr! When we move here 4 yrs ago my kids were pinched, pushed, and punched by a neighbor boy who's mom thinks he walks on water. I try to stay away from her/them, but the kids want to play sometimes. More recently my dd told me that a girl smacked her arm on purpose after she got her H1N1 shot. No one saw so she got away w/it. Then I have to take a phone call from school because my ds broke school property - a pencil! I had to lol at the person on the phone. Then I taped a smiley face pencil to an envelope and sent in in saying "from Erik".

Way to go Eriksmom!

Right back at them!! I mean a pencil, that is ridiculous!! Is that where are schools are headed, no money for even a pencil? And services for special ed, yeah right!

Schools pick and choice, they always have!

Here in Mass bullying is about to become a law, thank goodness!! It is about time.

Times are a changing!!

ateachernc,

I think that is absolutely horrific!

The mother is in total denial probably due to her personal problems with her husband. But her daughter needs some intervention. Unless she is "taught" that she can't say things like that to others, she will continue to think she is allowed to do.

I hope your daughter isn't "friends" with her anymore. Not worth it!

And I am glad that she found a real friend to go to the movies with. That is awesome!

ateachernc - I found it hard to be empathetic when a similar situation happened among the moms that I know!!  There was a group of moms who excluded me and my son from their playgroup, and - although I'd never admit this in public - it gave me a rush to watch one of the moms' supposedly "perfect" family split. 

Eriksmom - Great response to the pencil!  LOL!

I wonder if the reason our kids get called on the carpet is because they aren't that good at being sneaky?  I know that my son isn't.  He wears his heart on his sleeve; it's out there for everyone to break.